Embarrasing High School Diary

7/17/07 - Wow.

2011-03-23T16:09:00.002-04:00

Reading past entries, it looks like I'm in a much better state mentally than I was just a few months ago. I don't really feel that loneliness right now, and I'm not really worried too much about any kind of social things either.

Right now I'm just anxious as hell, since I have about 6 days before I find out if I'm moving to Hoboken or not. Just looked at an amazing place for $500/month with apparently cheap utilities and in a nice area. Big room, pretty big place. My worry now is that someone else is going to take it first. I really REALLY want this place.

It would just open up a new page in my life, which I've been desperately wanting for a while now. I'd be closer to Jen, near some friends I won't feel weird hanging out with, and close to NYC, where I can hopefully live my dream of getting a job of service and philanthropy there. I long for that kind of life, where the city is close and I can just hop on the PATH and do stuff whenever I feel like it.

But of course with it comes some worries--I need to sublet this place for the month of August or I'm out $450, which I just can't afford right now. Also, I have to tell Courtney and Brian that I'm not gonna stay, but I think they may see that coming. Another thing is that my commute is going to eat up a LOT more gas than I've been using, so that's another problem. My insurance will probably go up.

But what's a reward without some risks? These are all things that can be solved and hopefully by this time next month, or a few months from now, I can relax and say that I don't regret for a second taking these chances. Shit has a way of working out, even if there's a little collateral damage in the end.

This also brings up the question of my job, and what the hell I have to do to get a new one. I keep applying and making the proper follow-up calls. i keep getting voicemails. I try leaving messages, but I realize it's the runaround. If I could just catch a break, I'd be eternally grateful.

What I need to always, always keep in mind is that it's all about the journey. The destination is NEVER as memorable as the trip there. Don't rely on being happy a year from now, or a month from now, or even a week from now. Document your days. Work your ass off. Have something to say. Make the trip itself worth it. Not everyone will understand what you're doing, but they're not living this life--you are. Even if you're not really sure why you're doing it, as long as something is drawing you somewhere, embrace it, and follow it.

No need to grasp at being happy, or to fear being sad. No need to pray you reach fulfillment or that you stay away from anxiety. Just accept that you're feeling what you're feeling, breathe, and try to understand it.

Don't let fear or routine affect what you do. Follow your heart and you will undestand, even if you can't put it into words on paper.

4/16/07 - (One day, I'll put these all in order and get them all online somewhere so I can burn all physical evidence of this)

2011-03-23T16:01:00.002-04:00

Anyway--I feel empty right now. Like, why do I do anything I do? And who do I connect with anymore?

I feel like I abandoned Lucy at her most vulnerable because it was the most convenient thing for me, and I still feel guilty about it to this day. I realize actions have consequences and she did her beset to push me away, but I don't think she had any clue it would really happen. And it's sad that nearly 2 years later this still eats away at me. I don't think I'll ever fully get over her. I wish her nothing but the best in life, but I just don't want to know about it. I just hope I did the right thing.

I do care a lot about Jennifer though, and I'm glad that I make her happy. I just hope I can feel that same fulfillment one day, because I don't know what it is I'm missing. I just don't know if that connection is there 100%.

I don't know if I have any real friends anymore. Eric has become his religious self again, and it's hard to ever talk about anything deep with him without him preaching to me. Dan found Holly and I felt like something I thought I never would when I was over there--a third wheel. Curtis has gone completely Pennsylvanian, and his beliefs and ideals are so far removed from my own that it's hard to reconcile that at this point.

I don't know what I think about Holly. She and I get along, but I can't help but see a certain level of immaturity and tactlessness that bothers me a little bit.

At this point, I really think I'm closest with Craig, Mike, and the sister, even though I see them all maybe twice a month.

It's at times like this I feel like I need to get back in my self-reflective modes, because I'm obviously not at peace with myself if I'm constantly looking for someone ELSE to justify and personally share what I'm feeling. It's stupid and ultimately destructive to think that someone possibly could do that.

Since it's bedtime, I'll run down the list:

-My job is boring, unchallenging, and pays shit. I need to find a change, quickly.
-I'm in a rut in the next-to-college town and want to change my life.
-I feel more alone in this world than I have in a long time. I almost feel reverted back to high school mentality, which makes it doubly depressing because at least back then I had college to look forward to.

I need sleep. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning--not likely though.

This didn't help much.

11/21/06 - Going through some of my "thought books" (as I called them)...

2011-03-16T15:29:00.002-04:00

...from high school always makes me get mixed emotions. Obviously there's the embarrassment of my awkward situations (mostly involving the girls in my life at the time), but I also am intigued at the way I logically worked out my life's problems and how my overall attitude screamed out "FUCK THEM, I'M GONNA DO SHIT THE WAY I WANT TO"

Then I fast forward to today, over six years later and I'm still struggling to get by on my own terms, but seem to have hit a wall as of late.

I never wanted to walk the path everyone else walked. When it came time to choose a college major, I chose something that was ultimately not the most profitable of courses of study, but interested me and allowed me further insight into a topic I had become passionate about. I wasn't thinking of careers and finances, I just wanted to learn about our nation's labor history and all that was connected to it. So I went through, got my diploma, finished my Master's on the subject, and decided to cross the career bridge when I got there.

So now I'm there. I'm currently working a job that isn't particularly interesting or challenging, but pays the bills and doesn't really cause me much stress. It really provides nothing beyond that--financially or personally--so I've decided to look around and check my other options.

I really want to work in the city. I don't know if its the desire to become an anonymous face in the crowd again after becoming well-known in my routine here, but it sort of reminds me of the feelings I had before I left the drudges of high school and the hometown for the chance to explore something bigger and newer here in the greater college town area. What bigger stage is there than NYC and its surrounding areas? I don't have to deal with the petty bullshit that comes with the libraries here, like the cherished middle management role I've found myself in, where I'm responsible for making sure the kids come in on Thursday nights or I hear it week in and out from those above me.

I think its time I break out and shake shit up again. I need to start using my rapid-fire application approach, where I throw a bunch of job opportunities against the wall and hope that one or more sticks. For now, I've got exactly ONE longshot hope, but I'm going to do everything possible to get their attention and hopefully I can make an impression on them.

For now, it's past 11:30, and I'll be content to read some more of my high school thoughts and try to get to sleep before hearing it from S that no students came in on their scheduled time tonight.

Oh boy.

11/17/06 - So I've come to realize recently that I tend to keep my distance from everyone in my life

2011-03-04T15:32:00.003-05:00

I don't think I'm scared of getting too close to them, I think I'm scared of them getting to close to me. I don't like the idea of being able to weigh so heavily in someone's life and affect the way they live their life. I think that's why I'm always attracted to these girls who are seemingly untouchable, and who have their own lives without me.

I don't want to hurt Jennifer like I hurt Lucy. I realize that it's completely different, as with Lucy and I, we were sort of an enabling relationship, but I can't help but think I'm going to want to move somewhere, do something, start fresh again.

I really want to get out of this college town. Ideally, I could move to the city or outside of it, and work at a job I love and enjoy my youth on my own terms while I still have it. I realize this is the problem for pretty much everyone, but I want the freedom of being single without the loneliness. I can't help feeling that way.

The thing is, I really like Jennifer a lot. She's a good person and shares many of my values. But I fear her getting to used to the idea of me in her life. Because I hope she can tell how clueless I am about where I'm going to be in a year, 2 years, 10 years down the road.

I'm going to continue applying for jobs in the city, and continue to hang out with the boys, and I'm not really in any rush to settle my personal life before I figure out where I'm headed professionally. I know I want to help people, and I'd like to make enough to not always be broke, but that's another topic altogether.

For now, I'm talking about my commitment issues. I'm scared to get too close to anybody. And the sad thing is, so many people reach out to me. My mom always wants me to come home, and when I do, I eat dinner with her and then usually jet to Eric's. The sister came clean to me about her problems, and I listened intently and talked to her, but then went into hiding and never brought it up again. Dad tries calling and tried getting me to open up when we went to visit him, but I was much more comfortable playing my DS and staying quiet. I fear talks with Jennifer, because there's still those blocks I put up that I don't want to have to tear down.

Lucy is the only person I've ever completely opened up to, and this was after 2+ years and her constant prodding. I'm so glad she was in my life, because she gave me a vessel to let that all out to. And even with her, I felt like I could hurt her.

I really hate the idea that the decisions I make are going to affect so many people in different ways. I don't want the responsibility or the burden of that. I want to be able to live like nobody cares about me, yet I need that positive love in my life and can't really live without it.

I just wish I knew why I was the way I am, but that's just me. I hate confrontation, I don't like hurting people's feelings, but at the same time, I'm too self-centered to allow myself to compromise any of my life for someone else.

10/31/06 - I hate holidays, in all forms.

2011-03-04T15:31:00.001-05:00

All it does is highlight how miserable I am right now. I need a change of scenery. Unfortunately that takes money, the one thing I am very short on.

6/15/06 - Where I'm From

2011-03-04T15:16:00.002-05:00

I need to come clean. I'm bottling up too much shit inside of me and I'll never function right without some sort of release.

My mother is a lesbian. I've grown up my whole life trying to hide this like it's some dirty secred that would destroy my life if it were to be found out. I've told lies, avoided people, made things up, anything to keep from having to face up to this fact. As a result, it has distanced myself from my mother and my immediate family, and hurt my ability to interact with women on a level basis in my life.

I work in a boring, dead-end job, and I make barely enough to live. I know I'm a smart, talented person, and I know I'd be an asset to anywhere I happen to work. I've got the educational credentials and the personality to fit into the right environment but I don't know how to turn my potential and talent into actually doing something I enjoy and can make decent money at. It's not that I'm lazy, because I can work my ass off if its something I feel is worth working toward, but its a matter of finding that calling.

I broke up with the love of my life, and I can't see myself ever getting back with her. We had a toxic relationship that was crashing and burning for months before we finally ended it. I'll always love her, and its fucking painful to think the last interaction we'll probably ever have is her email telling me she hates me. We were a tragic couple, and its mostly my fault because I let the relationship get to a point where it was either lay down and accept that my life was going to stay like this, or end it and start life over. I decided to move on and as much as it hurts me, I know that its what I needed to do. It's a shame I still think of her pretty much all the time, because she still affects my mood to this day.

I'm currently dating a girl that I'm not that into. She's a really great girl, she's polite, comes from a great family, I get along with all her friends, I enjoy hanging out with her, but she's not what I'm looking for. I haven't even mentioned any of my past with her, nor her me. I don't feel comfortable talking completely honestly with her like I have with others. I think she's cute, but I'm not as attracted to her as I was with others, or am with others. Point blank--I'm not looking to get into a relationship with this girl. Our routine has been--meet up, kiss, kiss more, go to bed, make out, fuck, lay, kiss, kiss, lay, get food, watch TV. Nowhere do we ever really talk about anything of substance, and I can't be wtih a girl like that. I feel like I'm the girl in the relationship sometimes, but after a 3 year relationship, I know what my needs are, and this isn't filling them.

So there it is. The 4 biggest problems in my life--family, money, past love gone by, and problems in current relationship. All great problems to have. I really have to start doing something about them. I guess that's the next step.

5/3/06 - Any time a relationship ends, this term "closure" comes up

2011-03-03T15:48:00.002-05:00

It's a concept that I haven't fully grasped, as I've never really ended a relationship without leaving a vague open-ended "maybe" just hanging there, leaving the two parties no choice but a slow awkward backing away instead of a firm, solid end that pushes us in opposite directions.

It is with this in mind that I feel the need to chronicle in the most honest, raw, and true fashion possible the relationship and the girl that changed my life in more ways than I'll ever be able to list.

Lucy M-- B-- is a girl that I'll always have a soft spot for, no matter how much grief we have been through together. To this day, after nine full months of being broken up and after dating other people and doing things on our own, all it takes is a text message or a phone call to completely alter my mood for the day--be it positively or negatively. This is the final result. As for how it has gotten to this point, I'll have to go back to the beginning.

In the summer after my sophomore year in college, the illustrious University (well, illustrious to out-of-staters, "fallback school" to fellow Jerseyans), I was in a situation where for the first time in my life, I was on my own. At least for 4 days a week. See, I had taken a part-time job over the summer of 2002 at the research library at the school, where I had put in 2-3 hours a week during the semester. Because I was working there Sunday through Wednesday of each week, I had to stay at the apartment which I had signed onto with a friend from my hometown and another U student who he knew. But, being 20 year old tweeners, the majority of kids my age stayed home and worked in their hometowns for the summer, so the normally infested college town, usually swimming with early-20-somethings, was pretty much a ghost town. Add to this the fact that neither of my future roommates were moving in for a couple months and the only furniture I brought was a mattress, a patio chair, a 13-inch TV, and my desk and PC, and you could imagine how quickly the apartment became my personal fortress of solitude.

In those few months, I carved out a steady routine for myself. I'd usually wake up around 8, shower, eat a bowl of cereal, watch some World Cup footage (luckily the old resident never called Cablevision to cancel his plan, so I got to sponge off of that for the time being), walk 10 or so blocks to work, come home and make a bowl of pasta, go for a run, play on the dial-up internet, read, write, and go to sleep. Outside of work, I didn't really say more than a few words or really interact with anyone else, up until Wednesday evening, when I'd finish the day of work, and drive to the hometown for the weekly sleepovers at Eric's house and subsequent diner breakfasts on Thursday mornings. The weekend would be the time to spend with family and friends, then I'd get ready to head back to the college town to start the whole routine over again.

It was simple, and monotonous, but it was comforting. It was comforting to know just what was up ahead the next day, and the next week, and for the next two months before school started back up. I was in the best shape of my life from eating right and working out every day, I had friends I knew I could trust and count on back home, and there was little to no stress in my life on a day-to-day basis.

But it was during this time I also started to want a girl that I could talk to, maybe become interested in or even date.

See, while I was comfortable and content with my life as a between-semester college student taking time to relax and unwind, it had been a while since I had any sort of presence of a girl in my life. For my entire sophomore year, I not so much as held a girl's hand, and the few that I had any sort of interest in somehow made their way to one of my 7 male roommates' beds.

Prime example--Ag Field Day, 2002. A day where the Ag students hold family events in the daytime and get drunk and rowdy at night. It's the end of the semester, and all the boys decide to go out and hit a few parties. By some stroke of luck, I end up in a conversation with a cute trumpet player named Iris. As we get deeper in talking, I introduce hr to my roommates, two of which must've smelled blood in the water, because before I knew it, they'd jumped in and taken over the reigns. Not one to cockblock, even if I were there first, I stepped aside and vented my frustration to a friend of mine. Long story short, her and my ex-roommate ended up dating upwards of half a year, including during this summer, when I'm by myself and at the point of considering calling the girls I was friends with back in freshman year.

This is not the only time something like this happened.

So suffice it to say, I was a bit frustrated and at times I would get this feeling that I could only describe as "melancholy", though at the time I didn't know if that was a positive or negative term. Regardless, I felt like even though I was comfortable, and peaceful, there was something missing and I figured a girl was about as unobtainable as possible, especially since I didn't really interact with anyone aside from my boys and my family at the time.

But like I stated earlier, all this went away on Wednesday nights, where I'd go to the boys' place, stoop it, play some ball, watch TV, get in fights, drive around, and pretty much do random shit.

We were young kids acting young, having fun, and forgetting that there's a stressful path ahead. But even in this group of guys, the inevitable topic of girls would come up.

So with this, I made up my mind that I should start getting serious about girls. My summer of testosterone was fun, but like with everything in life, too much of something is overkill, and I needed some sort of female presence to balance things out.

Coincidentally, or possibly for the same reasons, my friend Matt had these same feelings, as he explained to me one day. When we realized that we were going through the same dilemmas, we made a sort of unofficial pact that 2002 was going to be our year, and we were going to go out and get girlfriends before we went crazy.--

---

2/21/06 - I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

2011-03-03T15:35:00.002-05:00

It's been over 6 months since me and Lucy broke up, and we're STILL fighting on the phone--just like old times.

Why do I want to talk to her still? Most people would be baffled that after the volatile relationship we had, I'd still want to talk to her and tell her that I see us together in the future.

The thing is, she has such potential. We get along great when its just me and her, and that's really what it comes down to as far as building for the long-term. She doesn't care how much money I make, or how talented I am, or what I do for a living--she just likes me and my personality. Deep down, she doesn't care about money, material things, status--she just wants someone who appreciates her and cares for her.

So what went wrong? I'm trying not to have a selective memory here, because I want an archive of EVERYTHING. Was it as simple as her saying that she could appreciate my friends and that's it? If I had a balance and had time to spend with my friends without worrying about checking in to make sure her feelings were in check, would our relationship be smoothed out?

There is more though. There were times when she would come over and we'd be in separate corners of the room not saying a word to each other. I remember sitting in silent frustration many times because she had license to do and say whatever she wanted, and I had to tip toe around things. It got to the point where it felt like she owned me, and I forgot about things that made me happy because I spent my entire life's energy attempting to hold her up.

"I'll always resent you for what you did"

And that says it all. She'll never fully look at me the way she used to, and I can't ever bring that back. And with that, I don't even think I'll be able to look at her the same.

This is the girl that couldn't understand what I needed after being told I wasn't as good as my cousin or Courtney for what they do to their girlfriends. She told me that she never loved me. She told me that she hated me. And I sat there and took it all, because I had to be the bigger man throughout it all. And what did that get me?

I can't face change, and I don't like people hating me. If I were to cut off all contact with Lucy, I'd have to face both of those fears. She'd hate my guts, and I'd have to find another girl who is non-materialistic, who appreciates my sense of humor, who I'm attracted to, who shares similar values, who understands my life's priorities, and everything else. I'm approaching 24 years old. I'm starting to feel like something's going to have to give here, because I can't just sit and beg for something.

I'm going to have to come to terms with the fact that Lucy will look at another man the same way she looked at me. And I have to understand that she is more compatible with other people as well. I am too easily guilt-ridden to ever face what she brings head on. Someone like Matt, who can express himself more clearly and allow her to see things from his perspective better--he's the type of guy that will ultimately find happiness with Lucy. They'll have their problems, but because they can both word things so well and get everything off their plate, their problems will be beatable and won't lead to fights like we had. It's all a matter of me being able to swallow my pride, understand that Lucy will one day look back on me as the guy who fucked up her life, and realize that it is impossible to remain friends with someone after having gone through this.

After all is said and done, I can't sit and worry what she thinks. I have my own memories, and I have written archives of our fights, and that's all I should need to be able to realize that this relationship was not ever going to work. I'm just stringing her along when I tell her that I see us together in the future. I can't take her out of what will most likely be a match made in heaven, just because I can't stand to see her with someone new, and I can't stand that this someone new will never experience the torture that I went through, simply because he puts his foot down and knows exactly what to say in order to put a halt to that type of behavior.

I need to let her go, experience life truly on my own, and wish her the best. Just let the past be the past and let her find true happiness without my interference.

That said, she'll be calling me back sometime tonight, and I won't say a single word of what I just wrote down. Because I just want these problems to go away and that's it. End it. Over. Fuck, I hate my life right now.

2/5/06 - I've spent the last 3 years and change with complete and utter disrespect for myself.

2011-03-03T14:26:00.002-05:00

I've let a girl come into my life, completely change all of my priorities, break my heart again and again, forgive her for everything , allow her to trample over everything that I felt important to me, completely demoralize me, mentally undermine me, turn me into a shell of the proud, outspoken man I once was, and then move on and fall in love with someone else.

It's never been more clear to me than it was tonight. Listening to her make excuse after excuse for why the things he did didn't bother her and why when I would do the exact same things, it would drive her crazy, I saw red. But then I saw clearly.

I never respected myself. My life's priorities were her first, me second. It was never equal footing. I refused to let her ever feel the slightest bit neglected. And she took complete and total control of my every thought and action.

I lost any kind of credibility, because I didn't have self-respect. I presented myself to her as a doormat, then I would be shocked and amazed when she would walk all over me.

I expected blind benevolence from her instead of commanding respect. I put all my own emotion and all my own care into how SHE felt. I wouldn't allow her to ever feel neglected, no matter how ridiculous the reasoning. I'd bend over backwards and wait on her hand and foot to make sure she stayed happy, and when that didn't work and she was still miserable, I would allow myself to be miserable too. I didn't want to be happy if she wasn't. I wanted to show her that I was suffering too, because at least she would know how deeply she could affect my life.

I don't know how I expected things to change. I would go day in and day out expecting some revelation and a whole new lease on life. I just had hope that she would see what she did wrong and see everything I did for her and give me the respect I felt I deserved.

But I didn't ever put my own priorities first. I always put her ahead of me and never pushed my own agenda. I was scared of fighting with her and I spent my entire life's energy trying to avoid it.

And when I got free time? I'd spend it at Eric's, or with the roommates, or somehow distracting myself. I never once actually sat down in silence and tried to figure out how to gain that respect and appreciation I felt I so rightly deserved. My life was spent trying to get from moment to moment walking on eggshells, so that I wouldn't have to go through the absolute hell of arguing about whatever mundane detail of my life was at hand.

This was a learning experience. My eyes are wide open as of 2:30 AM on Monday morning, February 5th, 2006. From this day forward, if I don't get absolute respect from the people I come into contact with day-to-day, then they must be cut from my life.

No more seeking approval. No more groveling at people's feet. No more sacrificing my own happiness for the happiness or acceptance of others. Be it friends, family, or girlfriends, I will never again let someone take my dignity away from me like that.

Because that is exactly what happened. All I needed to hear was how she accepted the way he acted and kept completely quiet about it and made excuses for him. Once I heard that, it all started making sense. She respects him because he respects himself. She saw the fear and cowardice in me, and she exploited it to the fullest. She knew that guilt is my number one weakness and that if she attacked me the right way, she would always win.

But I'm not finished yet. I'm a fighter. I've been fighting my whole life. I've always been the odd man out and the one who plays by his own set of values. And for me to have neglected the thing I value maybe most of all--respect--I'd made a horrible mistake.

I knew I needed to break up with her for a reason. I knew there was something out there that I needed to learn before I could even consider dating again. I had to push her away into the arms of another man before I could see who I was to her and who I was to myself.

I'm 23, nearly 24, and I'm just learning this now. It's kinda sad, because I'm sure people learn this at a much earlier age, and that's why they find these long-lasting, healthy relationships by my age.

I think I'm ready now. I'm ready to finally enter a mature relationship, in which respect is absolutely necessary, and it's not just an option when she feels like it.

Lucy has provided me with immeasurable perspective on life, and she has taught me more than she'll ever know. But it's time to look back fondly and move toward the future. It's time to enter the next phase of relationships. One built on mutual respect and compassion for one another. One in which there are limits and boundaries, but also unlimited potential and opportunities. There will be fighting and more arguments and all that, but it will never be like it was before. You must respect my life and my ability to be happy, and I will always respect yours.

Of course, my first instinct will always be to hope that Lucy comes to this same understanding and we end up together in the future. But after what we have been through, it seems almost obvious that it'll never happen. And I'm going to have to find my long-term love with another girl who has reached the level of maturity that I have discovered tonight.

Everything he does is right

2011-03-01T15:23:00.002-05:00

He's Mr. Perfect. Mr. Personality English major. Shakespeare reader romantic. Life of the party. Everyone's best friend.

And here I am. Disrespected, treated like dirt. No apologies, no understanding.

"Oh, he was with his friends. He didn't remember. He broke a promise but I don't mind. Everything he does is right, and who am I to tell him what I don't like."

He called you "exotic". He's nothing more than a plastic smile and a real good sales pitch. Fucking psycho.

Maybe it's just that he's honest. Right up front. And she can't call him out on anything.

So he's loud, but it's funny. When I'm loud, I'm obnoxious. But it's because that's "him".

I can't fucking take it.

I tell her I smoke, she flips out. "My whole image of you is shattered".

He smokes directly in front of her, AFTER she tells him not to smoke it in front of her. And he's "just being him". She makes excuses for him. Tolerates him. Puts up with him.

Meanwhile she has to tell me all this without even realizing it'll hurt me.

"I'm scared you're going to become a distant memory"

Goodbye to me and you
Goodbye to the life we knew
One last long embrace
Then go and walk on through

Goodbye to me and you
Goodbye to the things we knew
Wipe the tears from your eyes
Then go and walk on through

You didn't ever respect me. And how could I possibly blame you for that, when I didn't even respect myself?

I tried playing the martyr. Tried letting you walk all over me in hopes that you would see the real me, but you never did.

You saw the idealized version of me for nearly 3 years. And it took you only one month to see him for who he really is.

I've learned and I've grown and I realize that "all about you" gets neither of us anywhere.

Without respect for myself I will never find a girl to respect me.

You'll never treat me with respect. Not after the way our relationship was. I'll find respect for myself and you and him can have your mature relationship.

No more tears
No more laughter
No more anger and frustration

Just peace.

I'll always love you for what you taught me. I have to make something of myself before I ever look to a girl for validation.

11/30/05 - I'm glad I've kept a journal for these 5 or so past years

2011-03-01T15:19:00.002-05:00

Because I feel like I'd romanticize my life otherwise and long for the days of my youth. It's sort of comforting to imagine that I really have made progress in my life and don't really cringe at the thought of my day-to-day experiences.

That said, I'm still longing for a future. I'm still waiting on when I'm gonna find the right girl, find a job I love, be able to buy a house, get a dog--all the things that friends and acquaintances have already accomplished. I don't want to be the guy who dreams all the time and never acts, because without action, nothing will get accomplished.

I'm GOING to write a book. Maybe two or three. Maybe a whole series of them. But first I need an idea. I've got access to libraries, B&N, online databases, etc. It's just a matter of finding an angle and exploiting it. Maybe if I read more creative endeavors, I'll get inspired. I've just gotta keep jotting notes down and tease them out, expound on my little thoughts and write as much as I can. Eventually, I'll hit on something that feels like gold, and I'll make something that creatively satisfies me.

In the meantime, build my skills, create new things, keep inspired, and don't settle too much into a routine.

Set a goal, and accomplish it. That's what I need to do.

11/9/05 - It's starting to approach a "shit or get off the pot" time

2011-03-01T15:16:00.002-05:00

I need to make a move soon and deal with the consequences. This weekend is booked solid, with Curtis' house Friday night, Lucy's cousin's party on Saturday, and going out with Craig one of those days. But after all has settled, I'm still stuck with a dilemma.

I can't go back with Lucy, but I still feel guilty about finding someone new. Now, I've been under the delusion that if I somehow got Alicia to talk to Lisa P., that I would be able to work my courage up enough to take her out and see what happens from there. It's funny, but she's the only one giving me hope right now, because without her, I wouldn't know where to turn to find girls.

I can't imagine what it would be like telling Lucy that I'm going out with a girl. I know she'd be crushed and devastated, and I hate seeing her sad, so that's almost why we're going to eventually have to grow apart so we don't hurt each other.

I need to try to sleep now, I'll elaborate on this soon.

10/18/05 - Amazing.

2011-03-01T15:10:00.003-05:00

A little over 2 months ago, I had a steady girlfriend who I thought I was going to be with for a very long time. I had my doubts about how far we could go, but we found a way to keep it together for a while.

But like I've always said, I need to focus on the here and now, and not on the past. Learn from the past and use it for the future. I'm trying to do what's right and whats best for me.

I think I fear change. I don't want to work full-time. I'd rather teach, write, research, etc. Tomorrow is my last day at the library. I'll never have to park at the meter again, never have to feed it every 2 hours, my responsibilities go up, my fucking around time goes down, I start focusing on what I need to do to improve my life.

I turned down a $42,000 job because I feel like I would be using my skills to effectively work against the labor movement. Also, I don't really like the nights and weekends part. I've accepted a job around $30,000--maybe a little more, maybe a little less. Thank God I'll have full benefits and get a steady income, because I can't remember the last time I wasn't scared of the coming months, money-wise.

One thing I need to do--save my money. I won't be making all that much, so I need to really spend sparingly. That other money was my fun money, just spend at will. Now, I need to grocery shop, cook at home, and stay away from material possessions. I have my car, my apartment, and my bills sucking up all my money as it is. No need to spend money on anything else.

What can I afford? Well, I have to budget myself based on my paycheck. Once I get that first paycheck--like a month down the line--I need to work it out from there. And save as much as I possibly can save this first year.

They want me there for 2 years, but if something exciting and better paying comes up, I'm going to say taht one year from the job offer--Septermber, or maybe even August of '06--is long enough. If I really need references, then Y will have to do--maybe S.

And for the girlfriend thing, I still cry here and there, but I just have to learn to put it off. There's too much else going on. Maybe I can try Lisa P, but who knows where that'll head.

Anyways, it's 1:15 AM and I'm wired--maybe it's the Green Tea I had. I really gotta try to get to sleep, because I need to wake up in a little over 6 hours.

10/?/2005 - Lets take this from a more relatable, and maybe even humorous, scenario

2011-02-25T15:36:00.002-05:00

So, I'm recently broken up. Something I noticed about my break-ups, it's a constant back and forth of wanting to get that last word. Some are more blatant, like the girl will scream out "I CHEATED ON YOU", and the guy will respond "I CHEATED ON YOU...WITH YOUR SISTER".

girl: "he had a bigger dick than you!"
guy: "I hope so, because you're so loose you could give birth and not notice till you hear the baby crying"

...and it just gets worse with each response until you've both basically wished death upon everyone you both have ever known. I guess the break-up is official when you've run out of insults. That sucks when you think of one 6 months later though, doesn't it? You almost want to go run into them somewhere just to be like "hey, you shop here too? Huh, whattaya know..by the way, your lazy eye makes you look like Biggie Smalls"

-But my break-up was a lot more subtle than that though. It was more like a series of mixed compliments and slight insults, but we both wanted to be the "bigger person" so much that we couldn't just spit out why we were pissed.

It was more of a contest to see who could make the other person feel worse before we cut off all communication with each other.

Such awkward conversations after a break-up, too. Why the hell does the girl want to keep talking? I'm sitting there, thinking... "ok, it sucks I don't have this girl anymore, but at least I...can go and drink with my friends without constantly having to check my cell phone for calls/texts/etc. At least I can go smoke pot here and there without trying to pretend I'm not high/burnt when I see her next.

"What's so funny?"
"What? Nothing, I'm not laughing"
"Are you okay?"
"Huh?" etc...

I figure the best part of the break-up is the freedom that comes with being single. I mean, of course you have the shitty feelings and all the loneliness, whatever. It's a tradeoff for being able to say an off-color joke without turning around and seeing that look on her face. It's a tradeoff for being able to go home after work and not worry about entertaining her. I can actually cook dinner for myself now! --

--

10/17/05 - So, I"m still feeling pretty bummed out and confused

2011-02-25T15:33:00.002-05:00

...about losing Lucy in my life. I am happy that she is taking it well and not blaming me, and I have faith that she will find love with another man. Maybe it's just pride fucking with me, but I hate to think of her with another man, or forgetting about me, or even badmouthing me. I'll always love her, and I hope that one day in the future, we can be friends again.

I REALLY hope she doesn't forget about me. Because I'll never forget about her. I still love her, and I guess that's what makes this so hard.

Flash Fiction (a writing exercise: 300-1000 words)

2011-02-25T15:22:00.002-05:00

The moment couldn't have lasted more than 5 seconds.

A blank, unapologetic stare appeared, his mouth clamped shut, his button-down humor was nowhere to be found, and he repeated himself.

This was the culmination of the conversation. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She looked at him as if she were trying to will some sort of humanity out of him, but he glared back even more intently as if to resist any potential urge, almost daring her to say something to challenge him. He knew that if he stared hard enough, she would understand that questioning him was a wasted effort, because there's no sense of empathy to appeal to. Keep the conversation pragmatic at all costs, and don't even think about bringing conscience into it.

He didn't get to his position by pandering to abstract theories, and nowhere in his world was such a thing welcomed. Act accordingly within the rules, and leave the consequences for someone else to deal with.

Their eyes remained locked. She had a look of confusion and anticipation on her face, blindly hoping he was going to say something to put her mind at ease. She explored his eyes in hope that they would soften, but instead found something much more revealing. In that moment, it all made sense. Everything he said and did up to this point was consistent with this. She suppressed that empty feeling in her stomach. Her knees buckled and her hands trembled, but she steadied herself that very instant. It felt almost euphoric for her, as her eyes hardened, her chest tightened, and her thoughts clouded. A sheepish smile crept onto her face, as she realized that all that anguish was unnecessary, and she felt embarrassed that she ever questioned him to begin with.

Their stare lingered for one more brief moment, before he turned away and got back to work. She looked at her feet, sat down next to him, and put he TV on, the conversation they just had being the furthest thing from her mind.

10/13/05 - Time to vent, old-fashined style.

2011-02-25T14:38:00.002-05:00

No more bullshit editing in the blog so I don't hurt feelings. Time to get it all out and all down, even if it is 12:30 and I have work tomorrow.

She told me she is going to wait for me. She gives up on dating and has no intentions of being with anyone but me. I'm "the one" for her, and she doesn't want anyone else, even if I've told her that I can't be in a relationship with her.

Ultimately, it looks like I'm the one keeping her around, because I won't date any other girls, and I won't tell her that it's over for good.

I'm trying to be honest with myself here. When she comes over and says "I'm leaving at 6", I start looking at the clock and I start counting down the hours until she leaves. Why? Maybe I don't enjoy the time we spend together anymore. It feels like there's always something better I could be doing than hanging out with her, because I don't feel like I like the person I am when I'm with her. I feel uncomfortable, and sad, and feel like I share nothing in common with her. We went through the hard part already, and now it feels like I have an out and I want to take it.

I still don't feel like I've even had any time to miss her. She's constantly IMing me, telling me to update LJ, texting me, emailing me, calling me--it never ends. So what do I do? What will ultimately make me happy?

I think I'd be happiest with another girl. Someone that understands ALL sides of me, including my fun ("obnoxious") side. I feel like I kept too much bottled up when we dated, and that led to me not really being myself. She fell in love with just a part of me, not the whole thing. When she saw those extra sides, the parts that make me fully rounded, she hated them and started shooting them down, because it didn't fit into her idealized image of me.

I can't go back into it. Like Matt told me, once you've put that much effort and sacrificed that much time into a relationship, and it blows up in your face, you never feel the same way about that girl.

Thing is, beyond her finding individuality, beyond her smothering me, beyond all of that there was a simple truth that is now completely obvious--she never respected my needs. And she still doesn't.

I needed to have the freedom to hang out with friends. She only granted that sometimes, and usually she'd call to put a downer on the night anyways.

I enjoy sports. She made sure that I dreaded Sundays, because it was always about HER. Her day, her happiness, her life. I was just there for the ride.

And I sacrificed so much. While you're in the relationship, you sacrifice and it all seems justified. Don't want to shake shit up too much. Law of inertia, I suppose. Once something starts moving, it keeps moving, and it'll wreck smaller things in its way just to keep moving. But when it's stopped it takes a lot of force to get it moving again. Usually, that force is a mutual attraction, finding things in common, enjoying each others' company, missing each other--the ball starts rolling--then going on dates, getting physical with each other, having deeper conversations--ball rolls faster--meet each others' families, friends, plan things together, act together--ball almost feels like it can't be stopped.

Until, the break-up. Something stupid comes along and all of a sudden it all comes out. What she doesn't like about you, what you don't like about her, why you can't agree on anything--ball slows down--an insult, yelling at each other, putting each other down, feelings of guilt, anger, confusion--ball is nearly stopped--and all this force going the wrong way finally stops the ball and now it needs that force from way back when to get it rolling again.

Lucy's ball never stopped. It might have slowed down, but she still feels like the relationship kept going through the breaking up-hate each other-"friendship"-stages.

Mine's stopped. It's dead. The only way it can possibly be resurrected is if I get those feelings again, which I don't have. I have lingering feelings about Lucy herself, because I still do love and care for her, and I do want the best for her. But as for the relationship? I don't think I can ever get that ball to start rolling again. I'll be going into the relationship with too many doubts and too many questions, and I can't just rely on faith to put me through it.

I think I need to at least experience life with another girl to see if I feel like my ball is rolling or if looking back with fond memories of Lucy would do it.

Right now, it won't budge, and all the guilt trips and all the time of Lucy waiting in the world won't get it to move again.

8/25/05 - At least I can say that I have experienced love in my life

2011-02-25T14:33:00.003-05:00

Nobody can take away the memories of the past 3 years, regardless how it ended. I'll always look fondly on Lucy, regardless how she thinks of me and even if she told me that she hated me and meant it, with fire in her eyes, I could never say the same back to her.

I used to say that love isn't love without reciprocation. You can't just pick who you love, it is more of a mutual thing. I still sort of abide by that, but now I realize that when you love someone, you can't just stop loving them, even if that feeling isn't given back. Once that feeling is there, it's always going to be there, in some way, shape, or form. After brutal arguments, silence between each other, not looking in each others eyes, anything--it doesn't matter, love is still there.

I'll always have a memory of Lucy as the sweet girl who I happened to have class with and crushed on early and hard. All those fond memories I listed will fill me with happiness and never be tainted.

I'm a better man than before for having met her and loved her and been with her for 3 full years of my life. My life would be significantly different if it weren't for her love, guidance, and influence.

Thank you Lucy B. for what you have done for me. Thank you for accepting me into your life for so long, thank you for being honest with me about everything. Thank you for changing my life. I wish you nothing but the best for the rest of your life. I'll always love you.

Moment of truth is haunting you

2011-02-16T16:07:00.003-05:00

I'll draw bath and load gun
You bathe and hunt

The way she gracefully sat down in her seat in class

When she made a joke about taking the money, and I was the only one that "got it"

How she had a quiet confidence about her as she sat down listening to her headphones in the hallway before class

Waiting for her to walk into class, and hoping nobody would take that seat next to me

How we clicked from the beginning with no awkward moments

How she asked for my number while I was contemplating how exactly to go about asking for hers

How she was completely candid and open with me right from that first conversation

Our walks from the class building over to the computer lab even though we weren't in the same recitation

When she agreed to come out to the movies with me and my friends

Her unique sense of humor

Our "study breaks"

Staying over on Thursday nights and leaving early Friday mornings for work

Oct 31, 2002 - the day we made it official

Our early emails and texts to each other

Shutting the kitchen door to talk with her in private

The night she "almost" stayed over

Running to get her at the Alewich

Consoling her after fights with her mom

Meeting her on the bus

The last day of finals -- getting her a Payday and froggy, making out with her before going home

Making her mixtapes of songs that reminded me of her

Her silly moments - arp arp arping; talking gibberish; dancing; doing her little spin

Horror movies

Helping her through driving, school, and finding a job

Head-butt kisses

Our traditional good-byes before she drove off

Biting my shoulder

Our Valentine's Days: Moon next to the old couple, Japanese Restaurant, Vincenzo's

Our first anniversary debacle: and my pictures recapping the night

Our tips - the beach, hiking, the park, feeding the ducks

When she met my family the first time on my birthday

My birthday night

When I first met her family and little cousin

Taking her cousin with us places

Laying down next to her and talking honestly

When I revealed my big family secret - and how supportive she was

Going to the wedding with her and dancing with her

Our trip to AC, kissing before we went to bed

Her laughing fits

How her last name is in mine

How much she loves her mom and cousin

How well my family got along with her

How she would call me her hero

Her livejournal entries about me

8/24/05 - Who Am I?

2011-02-16T16:01:00.002-05:00

Okay, I'm reading that Karma book again and I'm going to see if this does anything for me. It asks to explain to yourself exactly who you are, in no superficial or unemotional terms. Just be honest, share honest feelings -- good or bad.

First, I am the son of a single lesbian mother. This, above all else, has most likely shaped me into who I am. I have lived in shame and secrecy for much ofm y life, which has made me fully appreciative of true, honest friendships that don't judge me for who my family is.

Second, I am someone who relies on people. Friends and family both mean so much that they have become central to my life. I broke up with a girl of 3 years in part because I knew that I would never be able to mend that gap between her and my friends.

Third, I am a man of simple pleasures. I would prefer to spend money going out with friends or hanging out with family than buying material things. Although, I look around at my car, my DVDs, my Playstation, TV, Stereo, Computer, high speed internet, and apartment, and laugh taht I could have possibly just said that.

Fourth, I am afraid of being alone. When something I have become comfortable with ends, I feel empty and don't know what is coming next. I hold onto things familiar to me, because it just feels right. My hometown friends, my job at the library, staying in school an extra year, etc. I fear change and I fear losing what I once had.

Fifth, I hate our culture. We are mostly greedy, individualistic pricks who look out for no one but ourselves. Including me. We have everything in this country, yet we still all want more, even at the expense of the rest of the world. Me even writing this entry is just proof that I have too much time on my hands.

8/14/05 - Now that I've had some time to think

2011-02-15T16:08:00.002-05:00

And talk it over and get feedback and all of that, I think I'm ready to attempt to map out my feelings like I used to do.

I have the whole fight archived on the computer somehwere, so there's no need to get into the details but for memory's sake: Curtis' wedding shower, I'm mingling with old high school acquaintances, Lucy's off on her own mostly talking to my mom. I try to get her to come over with me, she resents the fact that I don't know her well enough if I have to ask her that, a huge fight ensues. Also tacked onto this fight is the fact that I'm not romantic enough to her and I only do the bare minimum that a boyfriend should do.

So, now we're at a crossroads, but it's a little awkward. We've tried talking it over. We've tried figuring out how we can repair this problem. I even told her that I'd help her find somebody if she wanted me to. For the time being we're "best friends", but that's all bullshit because best friends don't make each other feel like shit for having a day where one can't really talk because he's in a sort of depressed mood. Anyways, I guess that's our official title. Best friends who happen to have sex, hang out all the time, and still say "I love you" to each other.

Anyways, what's keeping me close to her? Is it nostalgia? Is it a hope that we will still rekindle our love? Is it because I realize I was wrong, and want to change so that we can work our problems out?

Not really. Mostly, I want her to come to the wedding with me on 9/10. Also, I still promised her little cousin I would take her to the kids amusement park. And we sort of feel sorry for each other, so we console each other even though WE'RE THE ONES WHO PUT OURSELVES IN THIS MESS in the first place.

I want her to go through her test and pass it. I want her to get a job she loves in a hospital with great people and have a successful career. I want her to find self-confidence, in both her looks and her mind. I want her to be happy in her love life.

All these things keep me close to her. I realize that a lot of her self-worth is invested in me, and I know that if I were to just ditch out on her now, that she wouldn't have a leg to stand on, because I'm holding her up right now. If I'm away from her for ONE DAY, let alone the rest of her life, she panics and tells me she feels abandoned.

Lets play a scenario game.

#1 - I go back to her right away

The same problems persist. I ignore them or we fight about them. But, she has somewhere to go, I'm not lonely and full of guilt (at least not completely), and I get to see her cousin and have someone that loves me (or at least wants me around) for holidays, days where I'm by myself, and for things where it's nice to have a girlfriend. It probably won't last, and I'll just get older and we'll have to deal with these problems much later. She'll just be more bitter. She probably passes her test.

#2 - I break if off completely right away

She becomes devastated and can't stand on her own two feet. She absolutely detests me, I never see her or her cousin again, I'm alone at the wedding, I'm riddled with guilt because someone I loved so dearly now hates me and her cousin/her mom both resent me for what I've done. She fails her test, blames me for everything that went wrong the past 3 years and for everything that will go wrong in the future. I feel like the biggest asshole on earth, and it starts to hit me that I'm now regressing to sophomore year of college when I felt like I would be alone forever and could never find someone. I spend a lot of time in my room, since my roommates aren't really friends of mine and all have gfs. I'm even more insecure about not finding a job and all, because girls don't want a bum. I start to bemoan the fact that I gave up on a girl who loves me despite my shortcomings and fear that I'll never find a girl again who would be so excited to see me and make me feel that good about myself when she's around.

#3 - We stay in limbo for a while longer

There's more awkward conversations where she talks about us being friends, but obviously wanting to jump right back into the relationship again, while I sort of push it back even more. She focuses on her test, and we continue having sex at random intervals. She says that she is flirting with guys, but if you came even close to flirting with a girl, she'd flip out. I get to see her cousin more, and there are days where me and Lucy are very good, but in the end it seems like we're just prolonging the inevitable.

So, those are my options. I'm sticking with option #3 for the time being, just because it's comfortable and I don't feel like rocking the boat yet. Unless she really matures during this and really starts to love herself and stay happy with herself, I just can't see us getting back together. We just have too many conflicts, can't coexist peacefully, share very little in common, and are just too volatile. I'm not someone she would want to be friends with if I didn't let her do everything she wanted when she came here, we don't communicate well at all, I make all the sacrifices while she uses me as an escape for her life, and she hasn't quieted her own personal demons yet, so I'm just distracting her from that.

7/25/05 - More and more, I'm starting to care less and less if she thinks I'm an asshole

2011-02-15T15:51:00.002-05:00

...or that I don't treat her right or I don't do enough to make her happy. That sounds awful, but it's the truth. I can't even think of a day where we don't get into even a little argument and I'm stuck wondering what I did wrong. I didn't look at her long enough. I didn't seem interested in her celebrity gossip. I didn't want to sleep with her on the phone. Etc, etc.

I'm trying to keep 2 very basic facts in mind as we enter 2 1/2 years and beyond.

1- I'm not doing anything wrong. Sure, there will be times I say the wrong thing or fail to appreciate something, and I'll apologize when I know I'm wrong. But most of the time, our fights come out of her mood. If she dreads going into work the next day, then anything short of keeping the phone glued to my ear while I sit in solitary in my room is abandonment. If I hang out with my friends, then I'm just refusing to accept that I've grown up and grown beyond them. If I'm going to a bar, I'm going to hit on girls and forget Lucy ever existed. But I have to keep in mind that these are normal things that a 23 year old kid does. He still has friends. He still enjoys going to bars. He likes to get out of the house and have fun every once in a while. And it doesn't mean he loves his girl any less. She's still on his mind the whole time.

So, 2- I have to be happy, too. It's sad that I have to remind myself of this all the time, but I spent so much of the early relationship martyring myself to Lucy in hope that she would see the amount of suffering I was going through and ease up that it backfired on me. Instead of seeing herself as the cause of my suffering, she came to accept that as how it should be. I'm the one that's supposed to be doing all the work, and she's the one that's supposed to be helpless and latch onto me for all her emotional and physical needs. She needs a drink of water, she either starts whining or says "I'm thirsty", as if I'm supposed to jump out of my seat and go grab her a glass of water without hesitation. She'll tell me on the phone "you're going to sleep with me", as if I'm supposed to say "yes ma'am" with no questions asked.

Maybe worst of all, she'll grab my hand and just place it on her shirt over her boob, or she'll just give me a look or place a dead-fish hand over my pants on my crotch as if to say "I'm horny, satisfy me". I will give her credit that she is getting better at that, but she does pick some poor moments to do it. It'll be right after a disturbing movie or in the middle of a TV show I'm into. When that happens I take it less as "I'm horny for you" and more as "I want you to pay attention to ME now". And I don't blame her for being so tight that I can't even fit my finger in her without it hurting, but I'm scared that I'm not gonna be able to get up for it much longer. As much as I love sucking on her nipples and feeling outside her vagina and going down on her (and I DO love those things), the fact is that we can't give each other mutual pleasure that way. It's usually like this: we're doing something completely non-sexual, she'll give me some inane gesture that she wants me to pleasure her (like smacking her lips or one of the above things), I'll kiss her (sometimes she'll say n ot to mess her make-up or that she only wants me to kiss her boobs--a complete turn-off), then I work my way to her nipples, she gets into it (which I like, but she's wholly focused on herself here), she wants to get on top of my and rub up on my belly while I kiss her nipples (which, visually is very sexy, but physically does absolutely NOTHING for me. Actually, a lot of times we do this after we eat, and my stomach is full, so I have to try to suppress the amount of pain it causes me and just hope she comes soon), then she comes, lays there half asleep for a few moments, and relaxes. At this point, any amount of horniness I had has really faded, because even though she is very sexy throughout, now she's done. I mean, she came and it's over. Usually she'll squeak out "I want YOU to feel good too". And to that I reply "okay?". And she'll say it again, almost feels like she's waiting for me to say "no that's okay, go look at celebrity gossip online while I sit here and let my half-erection turn into a flaccid penis". But I don't say that, because at least maybe I can get a brief amount of pleasure over the guilt I feel for making this girl do something she's not really into now since she already came, but feels obligated to do because of what I did for her. So, I ask which way she feels like. BJ, rub up on her ass, or hand job? I tell her whatever is easiest for her. I don't want to inconvenience her. The least amount of work is me rubbing up on her, so that's a popular choice. BJ's are good (she's really good at them too) but if there's a chance we're going anywhere, she won't want her make-up messed up. And HJ's seem to last too long and I feel guilty that her arm is getting tired.

So, basically what it all comes down to is, don't feel so damn guilty all the time. Think of these 2 giant rules, and relax and enjoy your life. Maybe you'll come to a new understanding, and you'll learn to appreciate her all the more for it. Who knows?

6/23/05 - And we were doing so well, too.

2011-02-08T15:45:00.002-05:00

First, I sat behind her and kissed her, and she turned me away for having coffee breath. A little frustrating, but I swallowed it and relaxed. Then, instead of watching the finals, I decide to watch her movie on TV, which apparently got her horny, but I was in no mood after putting it out of my head for the day. I just was content laying there with her and relaxing watching her movie.

Of course, this sparks resentment because she must have felt rejected and instead of communicating to me what she wanted she pats my pants, puts my hand on her boob and wants me to instantly get turned on. Then after I'm not turned on, she pushes me away like a spoiled brat and refuses to talk to me for the rest of the night.

Now, the weekend is of course ruined, I still don't have a job, and my girlfriend hates me because I wasn't in the mood to fool around for the last 10 minutes while she was here.

It's always on HER time. Never on mine. I make sacrifices. I make compromises. I do everything I possibly can to make her feel happy and supported. No matter what's going on in my life, her problems are always more important. I'm not a mind reader. I can't tell when she's feeling a certain way. I can't understand the way she acts sometimes.

We went nearly a month without fighting. It may have been the best month of our relationship since the first few months, when we used to just act like best friends. That's no longer the case. Now, if something in my life doesn't involve her, she's completely against it. She doesn't want to think of my point of view anymore. If she doesn't get her way, she has no problem ruining my weekend. She will maliciously tear down all the things that make me happy--friends, activities, hobbies, interests--anything that doesn't involve her front and center.

She is without a doubt the hardest girl to please that I ever met. And something as simple as me not wanting to go beyond just holding her in my arms and automatically--"I'm nauseous", "get away", "I need to sit by myself", etc...

I think she likes to escape reality--and I'm her quickest route to that escape. She wants instant gratification at the snap of her fingers, almost literally, but she doesn't take my state of mind into account. I try to hug her, kiss her, and just make her feel beautiful and loved. I do my best to just gauge how she's feeling. Her response tonight when I tried it? "I would do it if you didn't have coffee breath".

Immediate turn-off there. Ok, you're obviously not in the mood. It's okay, I'm used to not getting my way. It's not something I base my judgment or you on. Lets move on and you can use the internet and look at your sites, then we can go to eat where you want to go, watch what you want to watch on TV, go study where you want to study, etc. And I don't complain about a single bit of it. All I ask in return is that once in a while, you let me keep in contact with a few of my close friends. I cut my fringe friends off a long time ago, they're completely out of my life. Paul, Fat Mike, any potential new friend--I don't have time for these people. And that's fine. I would much rather have you in my life than a bunch of acquaintances I hang out with here and there. But I would like to keep somewhat of a friendship with the rest of my friends. My real friends. Curtis, Eric, Craig, Matt, Dan, and Courtney. If I can keep a friendship there and still keep you as the dominant relationship in my life, I would be very very happy.

Now her phone is off and I'm probably not talking to her till Saturday. That's just great.

3/25/05 - Is it possible it's over?

2011-02-08T15:35:00.002-05:00

The spark has faded? I find myself itching for the freedoms of single life and maybe I want that loneliness and sense of wonder and confusion again. I find myself at once bored and frustrated with our relationship more often than not.

Her antics used to be amusing, now they are frustrating. It's a constant stream of insecurity that I can't handle. We've been on the phone with each other for about 7 hours now, because she can't live without me being on the phone. I almost can't take it.

I can't just live life avoiding fighting. Maybe we're too different? I like sports, she likes fashion. I like good music, she likes pop radio fluff. I enjoy reading about our world, she reads tabloids. I'm not into really anything she's into. And vice-versa. What could we possibly do together for the next 60-70 years? Fuckit, how about the next 5 years? The next year?

Some more: I'm very loyal to my friends, she has no real friends to speak of besides me.

Is it possible we're doomed to fail?

Will she ever accept me for who I am? That's the real question. Because outside of all of our clashing interests and different personalities, I NEED her to accept me for who I am. Everything about me. She needs to understand me at a deeper level. Realize that I love being with her, but I also need my alone time and time with other friends. Realize that I enjoy some things that have nothing to do with her, and not because I don't love her, but because that was me BEFORE I met her, and who I will continue to be.

I'm not the guy she idealizes me as. If she wants someone out of a movie who acts like a Prince Charming, then she's in for a real disappointment.

I need someone who will give me enough breathing room so that I can still be my own person. I know she needs a lot of support and nearly round-the-clock supervision, and I'm really trying to do that, but I can't ALWAYS be on hand and foot for her. Hell, sometimes *I* need support myself.

The only way we're gonna have a real future is if she realizes who I am and accepts it. Right now, she doesn't realize it. She's still captivated by that idealized image she has of me and she's disappointed/hurt/angry any time I act in a way that betrays that image of me.

...Like now. We find a way to get in a fight for ANY reason. "Eric fell and hurt his shoulder". Her: "That seems like an injury that would happen to someone older". Me: "Well, he fell on it, who knows how he hurt it." Her: Find, defend him all you want" *click*

What the fuck? The whole night, ruined now. Because supposedly I used a "tone" that was inappropriate. Fuck this, I'm so tired of constantly defending myself. It's 3:20 AM and we're fighting over bullshit. It never ends. Once again, two things causing a fight: me having friends outside of Lucy, and her image of me as the type that understands everything she says on first listen shattered. It comes down to the fact that she feels like I put them first. Anything I say that could possibly question what she meant comes off as "defending" them to her.

She WILL realize she was wrong, and she WILL apologize to me. If not tonight, then tomorrow morning, or tomorrow afternoon.

3/2/2005 - ...And there is a lot about me that you have chosen to ignore

2011-02-07T14:09:00.002-05:00

...and turn your back on, and we can't move forward past this stumbling block until we face it head on.

My friends are not in competition with you. They are people I have grown to know well and love in a certain way. You are in a position in my life where you are not just another friend, but something more. My friends will always be a part of my life, and you have chosen to ignore that fact. It's almost as if you don't expect me to see them anymore, because they take me away from paying full attention to you. But they are a PART of me. They were there for me coming up and I refuse to turn my back on them and phase them out of my life.

It would be ideal if I didn't have to live separate lives and bring these two worlds together, but I know that is unlikely, and I want to reach some sort of compromise where you accept the fact that by committing yourself to me, you are committing yourself to ALL of me, including the part of me that respects past friendships enough to keep them alive. This is something I don not take lightly and it is something that I really hope and pray that you come to accept and understand.

If you have noticed, the majority of our fights come from you believing that I am not paying enough attention to you or that I am not committed enough to you. I think you equate my friendships as something juvenile and something I have not grown out of yet, while in my mind, I am waiting for the day you realize that these are people who will be in my life forever.

The same goes for my family. Until you can realize that I can talk to other people and still love you just as much as I do when its just us together, there will always be this conflict.

Why can't I finish entries anymore???

2/14/05 - Well, it's officially our 3rd Valentine's Day as a couple and how are we spending it?

2011-02-07T14:01:00.002-05:00

How we spend 3 days a week every week--not talking to each other.

We spent Saturday together, which was fun aside from me feeling inadequate because I didn't have any grand plans and only included a nice dinner, a heartfelt card, and a DVD that I'm going to watch with her when it arrives.

But today? On the official day? I give her a call, enjoy talking to her for a few minutes, then she gets into her jealous mode where she asks first if my professor hit on me--half-joking since she got real mad at me one time for me talking about how he pretty much controls my future, then she says that the girls in my class are going to fall in love with me--again, fine if it's just a joke, but I can tell that her inadequacy is once again showing and it puts me in a defensive position again, then she has to say something about Raechel, since she's her obsession and will never be out of my life no matter how much I want her to. Then, of all sore subjects, she brings up my mom's vacation, knowing full well that I don't really like talking about things like that.

So we get past all of that. I'm done defending myself for 10 minutes like most of our conversations go, and now that I'm in this defensive mood, she mentions that she is getting me something for Valentine's Day. Feeling at once guilty and defensive, I tell her that she doesn't have to get my anything. It feels like she's just doing it because it's v-day, and I know how she feels about material things as gifts, so I honestly tell her that a gift isn't necessary. I say taht she's not working and that she doesn't have to do that, besides, you...hello? Lucy, are you there?

She calls back.

"Why do you have to mention that I don't have a job?"

Oh. Shit. I wasn't even thinking of your whole job hunt when I said that. I mean, I say that every occasion when you're about to get me something, and I'm so confident you're going to get a job that I don't really think about those things. I didn't mean it in a way where I was alluding to your job hunt. I just meant at this moment in time you don't have a job, and you don't have that much money, so don't worry about getting me anything, because all I ask is taht you are happy and enjoy your time with me.

The heavy feeling passed. I can't write anymore at this time.

12/20/2004 - I'm usually a mix between anger and worry

2011-02-02T17:02:00.002-05:00

But this time, it's more of a numbness. Because I can't blame her for being upset that her mother's not going to be home for xmas and that her family is in the middle of a fight and all the shit surrounding her right now. I can't defend myself when she says that xmas has lost all meaning and implies that I'm sort of a part of all of that. I have to just sit and reflect on my life and what is meaningful to me, and hope that those are the same values that are meaningful to Lucy.

My family is important. I know that the traditions we uphold on xmas are very materialistic and consumer-driven, and that's why there's such an empty feeling when the day is over and all the new crap we just bought is put away. I don't need any of that, personally. It is nice to get things and to play with new stuff and wear new clothes and all of that, but ultimately, I just want to spend time with the people I love. It's not a long list. Basically, it consists of all of the people with which I've gotten to know and made some sort of deeper connection. My mom, sister, uncle, aunt, cousins, grandma, and god bless his soul, my grandpa. That's it as far as family. I mean, I like my more extended family--the A's, the McD's, etc., but I don't love them.

Lucy is someone I love, because she has gotten closer to me than anyone else in my life. She's the only person I've ever told my little secret to, although I'm sure she's not the only one that knows. She's someone that I see myself marrying, but only after we both mature into competent and understanding adults. We're still kids right now, because we still don't know exactly how to make things run smoothly. Hell, we haven't even stepped into the real world yet. We have a lot of life to still experience and a lot of growing up to do before we decide to settle down and become one in the eyes of God.

Finally, there's my friends. I can only say that I love 4 people out of all the friends I have. Curtis, Eric, Matt, and Craig. Everyone else is cool, but I don't see myself ever being as open with them as I am with these 4. I don't know if love is the proper word, because it's a different feeling than with Lucy, but then again my love for Lucy is obviously different than my love for my family, so the word to me just means a deeper closeness and understanding, which can vary depending on who it's with.

Anyways, back to xmas. I'm sure it's been said a million times before, but the consumer mentality is at an all-time high during this season. From outdoing the neighbors xmas lights to having the nicest tree to buying the best gifts--it doesn't end. I enjoy giving gifts, and I'm glad xmas allows me to buy things for people, but its that obligation that's disturbing. When I go to the uncle's for that day, and the cousins are just all over the place with all their freshly bought stuff, still with the stickers and tags on them, surrounding the house, I can't help but feel like I'm betraying my own beliefs. Deep down, I hate capitalism in all its forms, and the competition and materialism it breeds during the xmas season should be tops on my list for what I'm against, but instead its all-encompassing reach grabs me and turns me into the ultra-capitalist for the weeks, constantly thinking and feeling like I must buy things for people or else I'm not a true friend, or true loving family member, or true boyfriend. In the end, I'm sort of satisfied with getting presents that reflect what I know about the people I love and what I share in common with them. I just wish I could do this more often and without being forced to spend certain quotas of money. I can't believe I was talking about how I got my "base shopping" out of the way and strategizing on what I need to get and for who, etc.

Why should a storebought gift be worth all that much more than a visit home, or an hour spent together talking, or hanging out together, or cooking dinner, or making a gesture that you recognize what I'm feeling and you're making an attempt to empathize. All these things are worth so much more than some object that's going to collect dust in my room for the next year. But they're not valued, because they don't have a price tag on them.

I'll say this. My soul feels like it's satisfied when I can just sit and talk from the heart with someone without all the bullshit posturing that's usually involved. That's a gift. That's the best gift I could ever receive. Being able to talk throughout the night and reach certain levels of deepness without resorting to bullshit distractions like the internet or TV to fill our surface desires and keep us from thinking at all.

All I want for xmas is to be able to find new levels of understanding and for my soul to be filled. All the toys and clothes in the world aren't going to fill this void. It takes a little more effort. Not just putting out fires here and there and hoping everyone likes me. I mean deep spiritual understanding and acceptance of my life.

But I guess it's a lot easier to buy each other shit and never say a meaningful word to each other.

11/10/04 - I'm leaving for AZ on Saturday morning

2011-02-02T16:41:00.002-05:00

Today is Wednesday. Lucy has been really sad. I'm going to be gone all weekend and she has a test next Wednesday. She's going to be sad from the minute I leave until the minute I get back, and maybe even after I get back. I hate the fact that I can do this to her. I hate the fact that I can make her so sad.

Now she's not going to think about me anymore, and she doesn't know who I am anymore. She doesn't even want to talk to me until I get back on Tuesday, or if I'm lucky, late Monday night. I don't even know. I just feel miserable and this confirms that I will never again in my entire life plan another trip away from Lucy for as long as I live.

10/18/2004 - Why do I get such clarity of mind at 2:30 AM when I have to wake up early the next day?

2011-02-02T16:38:00.003-05:00

I always have to keep in mind that Lucy suffers from a crippling illness called depression. I accepted the fact that I am going to go through a lot of shit due to this, and it may never get better, but I need to be by her side throughout all of this. I have to understand that her insecurity is related to her depression. And that her attachment to me and wanting to always be in contact with me in some way, shape, or form is related to it as well. I am going to have to make sacrifices. I will have to give up some things I enjoy. I'll have to lose touch with friends and maybe even family.

I don't know. I'm tired and want to go to sleep, but at the same time I want to write while I'm in this state of mind. Fuck it. Hopefully I'll be able to put my thoughts together tomorrow. Good night.

9/30/04 - I really wish I could get some balance in my life...

2011-02-02T16:35:00.001-05:00

...without offending my friends, pissing Lucy off, or failing my classes. I've come to dread weekends almost as much as I dread the school week. Everybody wants to know where I'm going and what I'm doing over the weekend and I'm propositioned with about fifty different things to do.

I think I know why Lucy's pissed at me now. It's because I told Curtis that he could come for the game on Sunday, and now that Lucy is working on Saturday, she wants to spend the day with me. I talked to Lucy about it first, and she seemed okay with it, so I texted Curtis and told him he could come. But now that Lucy wants me for that day, I'm just going to give in and tell him not to. I can't fight anymore. I don't have--

--

9/9/04 - I'm sitting in my room waiting for Lucy to call me

2011-02-01T15:17:00.002-05:00

It's useless to hold my breath, though, because I know she isn't calling me back tonight. I had planned on relaxing tonight, considering I read and did work before class today. But Lucy wanted my schedule to fit hers, and because I wasn't completely enthusiastic about staying on the phone and studying for the next few hours, she hung up on me and now she won't talk to me.

It wasn't too long ago when Lucy told me that she wanted us to really limit our time on the phone together. When we came to that agreement, I immediately told her that I was going to put my foot down and it was going to lead to fights. I saw this coming a long time ago.

I wanted to watch the game tonight, after she reminded me of it, but after she mentioned it a few times that she wants me to study, I told her that I would talk to her instead. I fucking hate fighting more than anything. I hate being the cause of Lucy's unhappiness, and I hate not knowing how she's feeling because she won't talk to me.--

--

Well she called in tears and wouldn't stay on the line with me. She just said good night and hung up.

8/20/04 - Well, like I said in my text, I want to apologize to you

2011-02-01T15:07:00.002-05:00

Sometimes when I have too much to balance out, I schedule things like they are jobs, even if I enjoy doing them. Looking back on my old journals from high school, I did that even back then because it was the only way to keep my mind organized and not forget about the things I'd rather not be doing (like moving). I like to get the shit I don't like out of the way so I can enjoy the things I like to do.

Whether it's an exam or paper, or if it's moving all the shit out of my house, until that job is done it just weighs on my mind and I can't fully enjoy anything else.

The mistake I made was making it seem like the work we did together, helping you study and shopping for your skirt, was enough and that the REALLY important stuff now had to be done. That is not the case.

I wanted to hang out with you and relax more than anything else, but as you could probably tell while we were shopping, that burden of having to go home and move all my shit was weighing on my mind and knowing my other roommates were getting it done without my help just made me feel worse. I wish that I could just turn off that feeling, but I couldn't, and the fact that I was going to be able to hang out with you all day today and after work on Saturday made me feel like I had a reward for all the hard work I had to do.

If you know me, you know I'm always trying to plan for the future. When I have a big paper to write, I always say the same thing to myself to help me get through it-- "after tomorrow, I'll be able to relax and enjoy myself". That thought that no matter what happens right now, it will all be over by a certain time is the only thing that keeps me going.

But this time it involved you. And instead of explaining to you everything that was going through my head, I just assumed you understood and I was very cold and harsh in how I put things. I didn't take into account the fact that you had just come from a horrible week of finals and clinicals and that you just wanted to relax right then, and right there.

I know that you live more for the present and I live more for the future, and that difference is what the main cause of this argument was. I consoled myself by saying that tomorrow and Saturday is going to more than make up for all the shit I have to do now. The way I acted it out, though, is that I just brushed you aside because I put in my hours with you, and now it's time for more important things. I know you're all about the here and now, and I don't blame you for that, it's just how you are.

You were right to get mad at me for acting that way, because I wasn't making an effort to see your side of the story. I couldn't possibly understand why you were getting mad, because I felt like I had done the right thing and didn't realize that you needed me at that very moment to help you wind down and make the transition to relax for the next few days. I thought of your life through my eyes, and I knew that if I had just finished finals and were to have the next 2 weeks off, and I could sleep over your house tomorrow and see you--

--

Is it possible it's over?

2011-02-01T14:58:00.002-05:00

The spark has faded? I find myself itching for the freedoms of bachelor life, and maybe I want that loneliness and sense of wonder again. I find myself at once bored and frustrated with our relationship more often than not.

Lucy, I love you and from the heart I expect to in reality spend the rest of my life with you. But I want to make sure that we are ready to accept each other, faults and all, which I don't think we have gotten to yet. I always pictured marriage as a natural progression of a relationship and only after going through the struggles and being able to talk through them will we ever reach that point.

I am madly in love with you. That is not in question. But at 22 years old, still a college student, and still considering myself a kid, I know that I couldn't make a lifelong official commitment at this point in my life. We still go through fights where our very relationship gets put into question, and if we're still shaky at times, then we are nowhere near--

--

-you have different short-term plans than me

-? our relationship

-you must wait a few years, at least

-if you're not willing to wait, I understand

-"what if?" I got sick? Can't be bullied into marriage.

-2 years is a big difference

-love to spoil you. Love to make you happy. But this is one thing I can't do. Must do on my own time, when I'm ready

-still try to avoid fights instead of being comfortable

-don't love yourself. Need to look inside before attaching yourself to someone

-WANT me, not NEED me

-understand your need for kids. Me too. -- but can't rush into this for that reason

-I pray to God you understand. If not, I don't want to hurt you.

-Obsession with Raechel. Need to accept the fact that I love you. She's out of my life, as much as you want to bring her back in.

-Must accept that Craig, Eric, Matt, Curtis, Sharon WILL be in my life. If you can accept that, we're closer

-Marriage is going to be different than our relationship now.

-We're compromising more

-Not "all about you" anymore

-My movies, music, sports. Things that make me happy JUST AS IMPORTANT as you, maybe to learn more about me

8/19/04 - What's left?

2011-02-01T14:09:00.003-05:00

I suffered my first panic attack of my life tonight when Lucy told me that she had been lying to me for the past two years and that she didn't love me and doesn't even care about me. She then later took it back and said that she was just saying those things to intentionally hurt me, which might just confirm it even more.

She really is selfish. It's not enough that I spend every waking moment worry about her and hoping she won't be mad at me for one reason or another, but she wants me to take every moment she's there and ignore every other thing going on in my life. The incredibly scary part of all this is that I saw elements of Kelly in her tonight. And I don't know if that's something I can change. This is what happens when she doesn't get her way. If she sees it doesn't hurt me, she goes for the jugular and says or does anything possible to break me down.

After tonight's display, I really have to think to myself -- is this the girl I see myself spending the rest of my life with? Can someone really love me if they don't ever want me to be happy outside of things only we do together? I go out of my way to take her out to eat, go to the mall, help her study, get out of work early, lock ourselves like hermits in my room, be as antisocial as possible, and keep no more than a basic acquaintance relationship with my friends and family just so she knows she's front and center in my life and that she comes before anything else. Nothing is good enough for her when it comes to me having to take care of certain things.

The first time we broke up, it was because I had to study and couldn't talk very long that night. The second time we broke up, it was because I didn't talk to her that night and was talking to my uncle, aunt, grandma, and cousins, who I hadn't seen in some time. The third time we (unofficially) broke up, it was--fuck, I don't even really remember why, but it was something similar, because our solution was to back up a little bit and give each other space.

I don't even know what to write about or what to focus on. My mind is such a fucking mess right now, and once again all plans are ruined because of this. I was really looking forward to being able to finally spend the night with her tomorrow. Now that's shot. I was excited about going to this wedding with her on Sept 4th. That looks bleak now. She was supposed to go to a Bachelorette party tomorrow night. That most likely won't happen.

All because I wanted to see if my roommates needed help moving anything. She flipped the fuck out. Stopped talking to me. Insisted I get out at my house so she could drive home. Told me she didn't want to come over tomorrow. And, eventually, her telling me that she never loved me and that our whole relationship was a lie.

My one dictum I love by is that you don't TRULY know somebody until you've been through a moment of crisis with them. And I think I really saw the true Lucy today. Selfish, bitter, and willing to do anything possible to hurt me. Is this the girl who I want to one day be the mother of my children? Someone who brings me down to the point where I'll have a panic attack just because I choose to see if my roommates need help moving instead of hide away with her for the rest of the night?

She told me she needed me tonight. But why? Why couldn't she sit there like an adult and tell me what we needed to talk about?Why does everything come out during fights?

We have zero communication about why she acts the way she does or feels the way she feels. I just have to brace myself for the backlash when shit goes down, because I can never predict it. How can someone who is laid back about just about everything else in my life go on to one day have a panic attack? I handled so much shit up to this point in my life, but Lucy has broken me down to a weak, [illegible] nub. She is manipulative and out to hurt me, and I just keep going back for more.

I just wanted to get through this wedding. We had our ups and downs this summer, but I always thought that we'd be okay come September. But when she goes out of her way to blatantly hurt me, how am I supposed to react? Should I forgive and forget without a second guess? Do I ask her if we can talk about it?

I think we have to talk and be clear that something like what happened tonight can NEVER take place again. Ever. She has got to realize what our limits are and never cross certain lines. You NEVER tell someone you're supposed to love that you don't love them just to break them down and make them cry. This was an argument over me not being there when she needs me, even though I spent all of Sunday and all of Wednesday night helping her study for her finals, and from 4:45 to 9:30 spending time with her after work and helping her pick out a skirt for tomorrow's party.

There are far deeper issues that I can't resolve here. I don't know the healthiest way to deal with them, outside of therapy, because it is blatantly obvious that she has a mental illness. Something is wrong with her if we can't share an honest, open relationship. Instead, this relationship is based on her leaning all her body weight on me and me doing everything I can to keep her standing while with the other hand balancing school, work, friends, family, roommates, etc... Sometimes I need to use my other hand to balance these things, and Lucy falls down.

The key to this is not to keep my hand on her at all times, but for her to learn to stand on her own. At that point, she can choose whether or not she wants to be a part of my life, or walk on her own and choose someone else.

Only when she WANTS to be with me (as opposed to NEEDING to be with me) can this relationship truly grow beyond the very little progress we've made so far.

7/27/04 - So apparently we've lost what we once had.

2011-01-31T16:52:00.002-05:00

Strange, because I'm still the same person. Has she changed? I don't think so. So it must be the way we perceive the relationship or something.

If I wrote something down every single time we fought, I'd have a book longer than the bible in a month.

Last Tuesday, she says "Don't say you'll do anything for me ever again". This came after I decided to buzz my head because it was hot and uncomfortable the way it was. Yesterday, it was silence for a long while, making me damn near have a panic attack just wondering why the hell she could possibly be mad. Then she calls me and tells me she's just angry about school.

Today, because I couldn't think of an embarrassing story from high school, and I refused to get in the whole "what if I had a..." discussion again, all of a sudden I'm "boring", I "never tell her anything", and we "don't click anymore". Here's the random thoughts that entered my mind during this conversation:

First of all, I only called to say good night, hear her voice, and let her hear mine before we both drifted off to sleep. Of course if I said this to her she'd say something along the lines of me never wanting to talk to her and we'd fight. (lets see how many of these paths lead to a fight)

I also wanted to tell her that I don't talk to her as much because I honestly CAN'T be candid with her (at least not completely) because that always tends to lead to us fighting, or to her cutting me off. She can tell me about a book she's been reading for an hour, or talk to me about the entire premise of Dawson's Creek or One Tree Hill, and I'll sit there and listen to every damn word she says. She asks me to just sit on the phone with her in silence while she studies, and I oblige without hesitation. But the second I bring up an episode of Sopranos or a movie that I want to see, she immediately cuts me off on some "lets not talk about that". Do you know how hard it is to be expected to sing and dance for you when you keep stopping me from doing that?

There are also certain things I just can't say around her in general. I could never admit that I was ever attracted to any other female ever in my life, because she is at heart a very jealous human being. She's become obsessed with a girl that I dated and slept with FIVE YEARS AGO and she won't let me live down the fact that I didn't save myself for her even though I wasn't to meet her until two years later! She wants me to be someone that I'm not sometimes, and sometimes I find myself taking on that role just to please her.

Maybe we have nothing interesting to talk about because we talk for hours on end EVERY FUCKING DAY of the week! I want to go a day where I can send her a text message in the morning, get one back, maybe send a few more back and forth during the day, live our own lives otherwise, then talk for a brief 10-20 minutes at night to say good night. Then, when we actually hang out later that week, we'll have plenty to talk about because it will actually be refreshing to see one another instead of just fulfilling our duties.

I genuinely missed her today, which is a feeling I don't get very often anymore. I CAN'T miss her, because every time I get a second to myself, I know that she's out there waiting for me to call/text/IM/email her. Maybe if we actually had separate lives, I might be inclined to miss her, and maybe our conversations would be a little better than the pattern that we go through now, which is usually:

sweet talking -- discussing our days -- cute banter -- her accusing me of something --me backed into a corner trying to defend myself -- her being silent and difficult -- ending the conversation on a bad note

Plus it almost ALWAYS ends with me saying "I love you" and her either saying "ok", "good night", "good bye", or just plain hanging up on me.

Apparently I've been a terrible boyfriend throughout this relationship. I've committed the following atrocities that have led to fights: made fun of a kid I used to hang out with (Steven) to Craig at dinner, cut my hair, played a game of Scattergories with my roommates, told her I'd be less attracted to her if she had a penis, had sex with another girl 2 years before I even met Lucy, played cards with my uncle and my cousins, and now, couldn't think of an amusing anecdote about my awkward high school years.

I'm "boring" to talk to. Oh, she apologized and took it back, but then said it about 10 more times in other ways right after that. Apparently, we don't click anymore. I guess I just don't understand her.

I really don't want this to fall in the wrong hands, because its just me venting and I might not even mean half the shit I say, but it feels good to say it anyway. Were it not for this wedding in September, I might be a lot more confrontational about all of this. I want to be able to tell her when something is bothering me, because that's the only way I'M ever going to truly be happy. I sometimes think to myself that maybe she is too immature for me, and by breaking up with her, she will gain that perspective and maturity by realizing that there are consequences for your actions, and I'm not going to sit back and take this mental abuse much longer.

Honestly, how much more berating and humiliation can I take before I snap? How many times can I be called boring, or ugly, or a chauvinist, even if said in jest, before I start believing it myself? Just because I'm giving you the opportunity to say wahtever you want and act however the fuck you want to doesn't mean you have to take full advantage of it! Maybe you can actually take my feelings into account every once in a while and realize that lashing out at me time and time again DOES affect me and DOES take its toll on me after a while.

I started going out with you because you were someone I cared about--someone who I could see some of myself in. A humble, self-deprecating at times, girl that is open with me and also makes me feel good about myself. Now, it seems like at least 3 days of every week, you go out of your way to make me feel like absolute shit about myself, and not believe that I'm the same person I was.

Maybe I AM boring. Maybe I AM ugly. Maybe I DON'T know what the fuck I'm talking about. And the less I think of myself, the more I want to become that proud man who I once was. And if the only way for me to find that self-love and happiness is to go my separate way, then maybe that's what I have to do.

12/14/03 - Well, it's all over.

2011-01-31T13:13:00.002-05:00

At least for now. Me and Lucy said our final words, we officially broke up, and now, a yaer and a few months later, I'm once again a single man.

For memory's sake, I'll get it on paper. I've been studying like crazy the past 3 days, and my stress level is through hte roof. My 2 exams seem to be all I can talk to anyone about, whether they want to hear it or not. After writing a paper and studying until about 8:20, I call Lucy. I have to hang up when Sharon picks me up. I call back, talk for about 10 mins, and tell her I have to study. She says "bye". I call back, leave a voice mail asking why she's making me feel guilty for studying. She breaks up with me.

I honestly didn't see that coming. Never did I expect her to end our relationship. She thinks that I don't trust her intentions. She thinks we're on shaky ground if I truly believe she was trying to make me feel guilty.

I don't believe that. I know she was pissed, which I suppose has to do with the fact that I didn't sacrifice my grade in the class to talk to her. I didn't think, and I said something hurtful on her voicemail. I apologized. I don't expect to be forgiven right away, but I didn't think that was grounds to break up with me after a year-plus.

It seems like no matter what I do in this relationship, I can NEVER convince this girl that I love her. I can NEVER convince her that she makes my life better, or that I do miss her when she's away. And it's finally caught up to me. I'm so frustrated with my life right now. Aside from all this short-term shit going on, I just don't know where I'm headed.

Even though I probably shouldn't, I'm going to call her in a few days. I 'll let her settle tomorrow. I have to finish my shit anyways. She's still my best friend, and we're going to remain close friends even after this is all over. That keeps me comforted. The last thing I want is animosity. Even if we can't cut it as boyfriend and girlfriend, that doesn't mean we can't remain friends. I'm going to get her those tickets for the Billy Joel musical. If she wants to go with someone else, that's fine. If she wants to go with me AS A FRIEND, that's fine. Now I really have to study.

Man, I hate the fact taht the only time I write is when my head is in disarray

2011-01-31T11:55:00.002-05:00

...and there's shit going on in my life. Because when I look back on the things I write about, it'll seem like my life was awful, my relationship with Lucy was a train wreck, and I never had a single happy moment.

The truth is, though, that with Lucy, I am usually so much happier than before I met her. It's just times like these when I question how much longer my happiness is going to last with her.

I don't know why she asks me questions like these. I'm not going to lie to her in my answers either. Ugh, I wonder if anyone else in the world puts up with this much mental testing without having a nervous breakdown, because I feel like I can run outside and get hit by a car and I'd have a smirk on my face because at least I'd get a minute's peace.

HOW THE FUCK am I supposed to answer questions like that? "Would you still love me if I happened to grow a penis?" "Would you still be IN love with me?" And this isn't just a friendly "what if" game either! She's basing how she thinks of me on the answer I give to this question!! AND I'M NOT GOING TO LIE! I thought she was fucking kidding about that shit. Are you fucking serious? You want me to think about what ti would be like if you had a penis? WHY? What the FUCK are you accomplishing by having this conversation with me? Are you so insecure in my love for you that you now have to make up ridiculous scenarios just so you know that there could potentially be a problem in some alternate universe?

If you don't like the honest, genuine answer I gave you to your question, then you are allowed to be upset, you're allowed to question my love for you, you're allowed to be mad at me, and you're even allowed to break up with me. I'm not going to stop you this time. You're always looking for something wrong with me, and now you've found it. There. I'm not gay. Damn, what a shitty person I am. Even though I'd still feel the same way about you as a person, Im--

--

I'm exhausted, Lucy

2011-01-31T11:39:00.002-05:00

We've been through this same fight way too many times, and I don't think I can go through this anymore.

You're about to hear me at my most candid.

It's been the same fight over and over. I give and I give, but no matter what I do, I can't make up for the distance between us. You can't accept the fact that we're 40 minutes away and that your mother won't allow you to stay here any longer than 12 hours. You can't accept the fact that when I send you an email or a text or give you a call, that I'm not doing it to keep you from bitching, but I'm doing it as an expression of my love for you.

I was hesitant to take you back a few weeks ago, because I didn't want to go through this pain again, but you've once again backed me into a corner, and I have no choice but to end our relationship--this time, for good.

You took an honest mistake by me--albeit one I make frequently--and you turned it into a situation where we can't even perform a simple form of communication anymore without you calling into question my intentions.

Every helpful gesture I make could now be potentially seen as "making up for" some inadequacy of the past. I can't simply say "I love you" anymore without some part of you wondering why I'm saying it. And when you thought I was blatantly lying to you about sending the text wrong, that showed me how much you really think of me as a person.

If I can't trust my girlfriend, the girl who I believed to be my best friend in the world, to believe me when I tell her something, then who can I trust?

By this point in our relationship, I would have hoped that you genuinely knew me well enough to know that at the very least, I'm not a liar. I know you like to look at life cynically, but to have such a negative view of me after all we've been through and all we've done for each other, that honestly breaks my heart.

You've broken my heart so many times, because I've put all my faith in you to be the girl that trusts me and loves me and accepts me for who I am, because that has been the way I've felt about you for so long. And I thought that maybe that break-up changed things and allowed you to step back and understand what we do mean to each other when we are together, but it seems like nothing can fix the insecurity that arises between us.

To just up and say that texting is ruined now, and that we can't do it anymore is no small thing to say, Lucy. Since I can't email you every day, and I can't call you every day, texts are our only form of day-to-day communication. Because you happen to initiate them takes nothing away from the fact that I use them to brighten your day when I know you're going to get one. At least it shouldn't. Do you think I keep track of who emails who a day or who makes the initial phone call or who is on IM the most? Last time I checked, our relationship wasn't a contest, and I have never attempted to do something and later rub it in you face that I did more for you than vice-versa. Something is very wrong if you need to sink to that level. I understand that it upsets you, but don't attempt to make it look like I'm not putting effort in this relationship, because I would give the world to you if I had it. I went out of my way to tend to your every need, and all I'd ever asked for it was a smile.

Have you ever asked me to do something that I had blatantly turned down without a reasonable explanation? Did I ever ignore something that was bothering you, no matter how small and insignificant it may have seemed to an outside observer?

I sacrificed so much just for the far better reward of being able to call you my girlfriend. I treated you like a treasure, because that's what, in all honesty, I felt you were to me. I REQUESTED you to start fights with me, because I wanted this relationship to be long-lasting and meaningful, and I knew it would take fights to do that.--

---

This was my fault, as usual

2011-01-31T11:30:00.002-05:00

We were going so well, and I had to ruin it by getting defensive. You're right, it is always when my friends are brought up when I get sensitive. But I never mean to hurt YOU or to blame you. I just don't know if I'm drifting apart or not. And the thing is, I think you're right when you say it. That's why it hurts. You know you've become the #1 priority in my life, and I guess I feel a little guilty about that. Because if the gauntlets were thrown down, and I had to choose to have you for the rest of my life or be tight with them the rest of my life, I would choose you, and I've never felt that way about someone before.

And when you brought up the fact that I'm an outsider to my friends, I guess that fact kind of slapped me in the face. I know you said you don't want to fight all the time anymore, but there are still obviously issues we have to work out. I have to get over my insecurities about my failing friendships and accept the fact that we're going to grow apart, as we grow up. If I can't do that, I'll continue to bring this baggage into our relationship. But the one thing that makes me stop breathing, and makes me feel like my heart is going to stop, is when you refuse to talk to me about it.

I'm telling you my weakness right now. As much as I hate fighting with you, I'd much rather that than to have you refuse to talk to me. I just want you to know that I feel awful about what happened. I have to face facts, but I guess it was kind of the way that you were patronizing me that upset me the most. When I was trying to interpret what you said, and you started saying things like "sure you are" and the like, I felt almost like you were attacking me.

You have to understand my situation, Lucy. I've never in my life been happier and felt more satisfied with my life than I have in these past 8 1/2 months. And when I see my friends going through tough times, I feel guilty with the knowledge that they don't affect me as directly anymore. I mean, I will still be there for them, and feel for them, but I'm just not as empathetic as I once was with them. I mean, I actually found myself resenting Craig after he broke up with Jessica just because--not even giving a real explanation. My first thoughts were, if he loved her, he would be willing to deal with whatever problems came into the relationship to make it work, just as long as she wanted it. But he took the coward's way out and --

[the rest of this diary entry was lost]

9/3/03 - It feels like at this point in my life, I have a major decision to make

2011-01-25T15:10:00.005-05:00

Craig, Matt, Bubba and even Eric have found their new habit, and I'm not mad about it. In fact, I've found that it's fun to do every once in a while. But when they break in a new tradition, they stick with the same routine. Craig and Eric's new routine is now to work out during the day, then get high at night. And I can't say I blame them.

At this point in their lives, things have gotten monotonous, and this is their way of escaping their life, even if only for a few brief hours, as well as having something to look forward to throughout the day.

But I hope they realize that I can't do this while I'm in the middle of (1) a great relationship built on trust, (2) my senior year in college and (3) a life that offers enough challenges and opportunities that losing control of my thoughts and coherence is something that I can't afford. And I think that is the biggest difference. If your future is going to consist of routine tasks, where the mind isn't going to have to develop, and smoking won't change the course of your future, but instead ease your way into accepting it, then that's fine. But in my life, I feel like I am far from reaching my mental peak, and smoking as much as they do, or even drinking excessively too often, will only stand in the way of what I can accomplish.

I'm not trying to throw down an ultimatum of me or pot, because I know for a fact that I could never win that battle, but I think as they get closer to Bubba's consistency of smoking, I'm only going to lose interest in going over there and hanging out. And that's what is kind of getting to me. I'd hate to lose some of my best friends from the past 3 or 4 years over something like this, but the fact is that I still love them as people, but our interests seem to be slowly moving in separate directions.

Missing sadness

2011-01-25T15:10:00.002-05:00

has become a habit
Like chasing disease, then breaking down when you have it.
Art is nothing more than the expression of human suffering
Reaching for a greater something
Hoping that it comes from nothing

7/16/03 - Seems like the only constant through my college living arrangements is that there's some connection with Curtis

2011-01-25T15:07:00.002-05:00

Lived with him in the dorm, at 40, same street, and now at 25. Makes me feel stable knowing all the changing shit around me. Ronnie leaves after 1st semester. No one really after 2nd. Then Aziz and Aaron gone. Then I leave, to 25. Then, just when it seems stable, Fat Mike leaves. I shoulda saw it coming. I knew he was fucking himself, but I didn't realize he would be forced to leave.

7/15/03 - "You're my hero"

2011-01-25T15:05:00.004-05:00

The single greatest compliment I've ever received in my life. When Lucy told me that she was so much different before she met me, and that she acts a lot more like me now, and now that she met someone she is so comfortable with that she can tell me anything and be herself around me...it just gave me a sense of warmth.

I still have to take this all in. I am loved. I am appreciated. I am respected. And it comes from a girl I love, I appreciate, and I respect. How can I ask for anything else?

7/6/03- To just sit back and reflect on the past 3 or so years of my life.

2011-01-25T15:05:00.001-05:00

6/25/03 - Well the day I met her mother, I never felt more secure about our relationship

2011-01-25T15:01:00.003-05:00

Then, 2 days later, I fuck it all up again somehow.

It's funny that I was just about to write in here a couple days ago about how great things are going, and how I think we're over the hump and finally ready to enjoy this relationship on an equal level. I decided not to write for whatever reason, and now, 2 days later, who knows where this relationship will end up.

It's really up to Lucy to decide where it ends. I just want her to do what is best for her, because I love her with all of my heart. Of course I would prefer to stay together, but not at the expense of her happiness. But the fact that she is upset over the fact that she is attached to me leads me to believe this might not work.

After nearly 8 months of being together, she still wonders if I care about her, despite me saying it and doing any possible act for her. These are things that should have been apparent to her after the first couple of weeks.

She's just fighting it and fighting it, and sometimes it feels like she wants me to break up with her. I know I would regret it though, because how do I initiate the break-up with the woman I love? I won't do it. I'm going nuts over this girl.

I have to stop.

5/8/03- Funny how not much has changed in the past couple weeks.

2011-01-21T16:04:00.002-05:00

Me and Lucy are still shaky, and I'm about to get the first C (or worse) of my college career. The exact same things I was writing about a month ago.

It seems like no matter what I do or say for Lucy, it is not going to make her happy. And I can tell that it's starting to take its toll on me. I do love her, because I want to do whatever possible to help her. And I'm pretty sure she loves me, because of the way she is around me. The only problem is, I don't feel that closeness we used to have when we're not together. On the phone or on IM, she just seems distant and it feels like there's something else on her mind. And it always takes such great pains for me to get it out of her. Then the worst part is, once it IS out, she starts crying, and tells me there's nothing I can do to help. This only serves to make me feel like shit, because I feel like I'm causing my girlfriend to sink into depression.

And now we've got these changes, with Brianne moving out, not allowing Lucy to sleep over here anymore, with me getting a full-time job, and Lucy going back to school in September, her mom coming back soon, etc...

I think that might be the reason for the tightness in my chest and all. I never even considered this to be stress, but I have to face it--all this shit IS stressing me out, and I can't even think about escaping from it. This fucking 6 page paper is going to suck so bad. I'm going to get a C if I'm lucky, considering he didn't once teach in the class and he hands out grades like nothing.

I seriously can't take it. I have work tomorrow morning, an exam tomorrow evening, then I have to call that motherfucker and try to figure something out or else fail his class. And all the while Lucy won't tell me what's bothering her, so I'm just assuming the worst. I can feel my heart beat faster when I think about it. Feels like it's gonna beat right out of my chest.

I always say the wrong thing to her. Nothing I say is right anymore. But "psych major"'s words are golden. It's not jealousy at all, because I know if the roles were reversed and he was her bf, and I was the random stranger, that she would agree w/ me. I can only be me. I'm not trying to change for anybody. Not Eric and the crew, not Lucy, nobody. I will accommodate Lucy's needs, because I love her, and I will change some of my mannerisms for her sake, but I can't change my beliefs. They stay rock solid.

4/16/03- My mind is boggled and deadened at the same time

2011-01-21T15:54:00.003-05:00

I haven't really put much effort into my schoolwork the past few weeks, most likely because that race relations paper burnt me on school. But without my mind on school, I've been thinking about other things--me and Lucy, Eric and Kelly, my future, and a lot of it scares me.

We apologized and made up after our fight a couple weeks ago, and I feel like it made us closer, so I'm happy about that. Also, we had some really good days when she came up for the weekends, which makes me feel like this is going to work. Aside from superficial shit like not being able to fit in her and stuff like that, I feel like our relationship is strong. But I have to still experience more with her and see what she and I both think. Thinking about Eric and Kelly makes me love Lucy even more. Eric is telling me how he's starting to miss Kelly and tell me about how good she was to him. (?!) What the hell relationship is he talking about?

I have to explain to him that anything me, Matt, or Craig says is out of concern for HIS happiness, HIS mental and physical health, and HIS social well-being. He's already starting to take her side as the innocent victim that nobody liked, even though she liked us. I have to tell him that I saw her true colors. People's true selves come out in times of crisis, and she revealed time and time again that she was not a good person.

After what she did to Matt that night, I never looked at her the same again. When she yelled at me for protecting him, I knew that it was not something she didn't mean, and just let her emotions take over. Instead that was what she felt all along, and she finally got a chance to say it. If only I was given that opportunity. He can't get mad at Matt for not talking to her, he can't get mad at me for giving him advice to stop hooking up with her, and he can't get mad at Craig for talking shit to her. She should be cut off from him in every way possible, because she brings out the worst in him.

3/31/03 - I'm feeling like I'm living a double life, and I'm going to have to pick the right path soon or I'll lose them both

2011-01-21T15:45:00.002-05:00

I love Lucy. And I hope she feels the same about me. But I might not be the right one for her. I mean, I'm always willing to be there for her, and she does make me happy by being there for me, but it almost feels like I don't deserve her.

She wears her heart on her sleeve and shows her emotions in every situation. And she really is a good-hearted person. The problem is that I've become very cynical and bitter and grown somewhat of a thick skin to the people around me. Things don't get to me like they used to. I don't feel as insulted if someone laughs at me. I don't curl up and hide away if I'm being attacked anymore. I've built a defense mechanism for it. I haven't cried since my Grampa's funeral in 11th Grade, and before that I can't remember when. I've become much more secluded and cold. I DO feel for people, but I don't personally get as affected as I used to.

Lucy has never gone through that change. She is as caring and empathetic as she most likely always was. She never went through the dramatic changes I did, by meeting up with the crew and changing my perspective on things.

What kind of an unfeeling bastard am I, when Lucy is crying and I can't even figure out what to say? I'm dead silent on the other line, and I'm just waiting for her to say something. I don't know how to comfort her, I don't know why exactly she's crying, all I know to do is defend myself. So I ask: "Is there anything else you want to say?" and she says "Yeah I guess you better go watch The Simpsons now"

Then I blow up.

I don't know why it feels good to yell at somebody, but sometimes all that frustration has to get released. But once it's over, I'm quick to apologize.

Who the hell knows.

I don't know what she's thinking, and I don't know how to fix our dilemma. Because its not something we can really work on. She has her opinion, based on her life experiences, and I have mine, based on the way I was brought up and the experiences I've been through.

Maybe this isn't going to work. It's not something I can really work on. And I can't stop hanging out with the crew. It all comes down to whether she's going to accept me for who I am. And I have to be prepared to deal with the consequences if not. If---

11/9/02 - Jackson,

2011-01-21T14:40:00.002-05:00

I'm writing this letter to let you know that we still care about you, despite anything you may have done to land you where you are now.

It's funny, because I didn't even know you all that long before all this shit went down, but from the little I did know of you, I know you're a good hearted person with a good head on your shoulders. And I have complete faith that given this chance, you're gonna turn it around and give up that other life. And you might think that to give that up softens you, but actually it makes you ten times stronger. To resist that takes an incredible amount of strength that not everyone possesses, but I know for a fact that you do. And I won't even pretend to understand all the shit you've been through, because I know how that can really fuck you up, but I want you to realize that everybody in the crew is affected by what happens to you. We constantly talk about you, hope for you, and pray for you, and I want you do know that so you know you're not alone in this.

11/6/02- I think I'm playing myself

2011-01-21T14:24:00.002-05:00

She's not coming into this 100%, and I think I'm trying to grasp at something that isn't there...

And now it's funny that there has been 2 interruptions of me writing about this. Almost as if its a sign not to really analyze this one too much because I may discover something I really don't want to know.

Why am I keeping with this? I like Lucy a lot. She's one of the few girls without a real agenda that I have met here at school, and I feel so damn comfortable with her that its like I've known her for years. I don't really get butterflies when I'm around her, or feel nervous at all talking to her like I sometimes get with other girls. But sometimes I feel like she's not as willing to dive into it as much as I am. She tells me she sees me as a really good friend, and when we hook up, she doesn't really seem as much into it.

I told her myself that I felt like something was missing. When she asked what was missing, I couldn't say. I guess it's just the feeling that she really does want this. With Heidi and with Raechel, I knew without a doubt that they wanted something to do with me, and that made it seem real. Like there was some kind of excitement because we could make each other happy. Of course I screwed those up with my own stupidity and inexperience, but I know what that feeling is, and I'm not getting that from Lucy this time around. I have to push and push and she sort of goes along with it, but doesn't really seem like its anything out of the ordinary.

I'm her boyfriend because that is the way to keep me as a friend. We hook up because she knows I enjoy it, and that keeps me entertained. She stops by my house because I've done it for her, and she feels obligated to return the favor. This is the way I'm perceiving the things we do together, and she doesn't say all that much to change my perception.

Yet, I know she's the one that is more vulnerable in this relationship. That's the weird part. The way I described it, it would seem like I'M the insecure one. But it's her that fears getting hurt, and losing me. I mean, if I lost her down the line, yes, I would be hurt, but the fact that she's not giving me much reason to believe she's into me to begin with makes it a lot easier to prepare for it. It's like, okay, this just confirms my suspicion as opposed to her being into it and then sometime down the line shocking me by leaving.

My only hope is that she will warm up to the idea and I can actually enjoy a relationship without insecurity or that she comes to grips with what she really wants. Because I can't tell her this, but after even beginning a relationship, we could never go back. It's a line that can be crossed, but can't be stepped back over. I know it would scare her to hear that, because that is the reason she was hesitant to start this in the first place, but its either all or nothing.

The difference is I've been through being alone. It's not fun, but I know it and understand it. And I've been through friendships with girls that have no idea how much I'm hurting on the other end, and that's no fun either. So from that, when I have to choose between torture or solitude, I choose solitude every time. At least, I would in an ideal world.

The thing is, this girl is so hard to figure out, despite the fact that she is so candid and open about her intentions and feelings. She tells me that she likes me as her closest friend, but then acts as if I'm only another distraction for her. She'll tell me she misses me all the time, but then will say that she could be doing the same thing with her roommates. I guess it's just a curse of a fragile ego on my part, but sometimes I want to feel like she actually enjoys spending time with me, as opposed to me being someone she can just dump her feelings onto and not feel a similar care about where I'm coming from. Like I once described much earlier, I don't want to be like this journal to her. Somewhere to get rid of whatever's on your chest and feel better and that's it. If that's actually the case, then maybe it's better off we don't pursue anything more complicated.

I seriously could write probably ten more pages about how bugged out she has gotten me, but I think I'll save it for another time. For now, I'm going to try to enjoy her company, and hope she enjoys mine, and just hope it works out the way I want it to, for both our sakes.

7/16/02 - My arms are killing me.

2011-01-21T14:13:00.001-05:00

And that may possibly be the reason for my recent insomnia. The discomfort plus the disturbing thoughts I'm having on account of it tie together to keep me awake at night.

I'm just trying to figure out what the hell could have caused this. Is it just achiness from working out a little too hard? Or did I pull it the wrong way while working out? Maybe it's something I'd eaten, or something I haven't been eating. Could it be Lyme's Disease? Am I moving it too much? Or not enough?

The aching only seems to get worse, but that's probably because I keep forcing myself to move my arms in positions that hurt the most.

I guess the only way to find out is to just reset and pray to god that the pain and discomfort goes away. I just really hope that its temporary, and that I'll be back to my normal healthy active self again soon.

If it does keep up, I'll have to go to the doctor to see what's wrong with me. I just hope it doesn't get to that point, and that I can rest easy for the next couple of days.

It's the end.

2011-01-21T14:08:00.002-05:00

Time to put the past behind me and stay fine tuned for what stands before me.

One by one they dropped. I stay myself and quote Nas to feel strong.

"I sit and think of all the hatred against me--fuck all of them"

I'm here to reclaim what I once had and will continue to hold. And no one will stand in my way. Yeah, I have a crew like most, but I'll remain individualistic because I'm my own man.

"Bitches left me cuz they thought I was finished--shoulda knew she wasn't true"

Let sleeping dogs lie. Let the past be the past. One lesson learned--never leave a situation without getting closure. Don't make mistakes without learning from them. And don't leave a situation only to inch back closer. Finalize it and move on, good-bye means good-bye. No more "laters" and ambiguity.

Heidi still lingers, as does Alicia. One should be cut off, one embraced. No more half-assed empty threats to yourself or anyone else.

This is the year I come into my own.

Because I see through your eyes and smile down to your black heart. Smoke and mirrors appear clearer to me and I see fear and please believe that I'll steer clear of it peacefully.

Just to map it out, I could easily:
Amy#1, Von, Sue (stpcsm), Heidi from Sussex, Meg

It started awkwardly, but taht don't mean that it can't turn out great.

I wish I could just say it once

2011-01-19T17:40:00.002-05:00

I'm free of all the demons infested in me at one time
Earlier in my lifetime
The right time The nighttime they would come out
And I would cower in fear
I'd be laying and thinking so hard, I could almost hear
My thoughts echo
I can't see but it's so damn real
But it's just me in a room by myself
Losing air,
No fear
My life boils on a hot stove
I need to calm down
But I don't know how to get there
Words can't even describe
But sometimes my mind lies and gets weird
It's like too much is running through it
Too much for one druid
Lose it
Set it to music and spew it
The only way to set it free
Expel its seed
Cut from the root, shoot for the heart
Lose it in March
When I become older and wiser
Silence my earlier cries up
Why do they constantly rise up
To remind me of earlier times
What did I do in the days of my youth
To dilute the delusion of truth

1/10/03 - Well, since my last entry, I really feel I've had a breakthrough with Lucy

2011-01-19T16:49:00.002-05:00

She actually feels like a girlfriend now. There's a feeling that she is into me as much as I'm into her, and finally I feel at peace.

I have normal problems that I'm not embarrassed to talk about with my friends, so even mentioning them here would just be redundant and unnecessary. And it feels so damn good to not have to figure this shit out on my own. Yeah, her mother is a huge obstacle in our relationship, but it's something that people experience often. It's a problem that I can deal with because other people can relate.

It's scary how fast we're growing up though. Just the crew in general all getting their shit together. Matt and Bubba both going to get their permits and licenses soon, Craig graduating in June and getting a real job, Eric probably moving out this summer, Matt going back to school for his nursing program, it's all going to change really quickly. Our planned Canada trip will probably never happen because when will 7 or 8 of us all get to spend a full week away with no other attachment?

Just seeing everyone get focused and setting goals makes me think about what I'm going to be doing in the near future. My ultimate goal isn't anything too lofty. I just want to be independent right after graduation, move out, find a job that allows me to live modestly, with no need for real luxuries, and continue my education as far as possible throughout. Prestige is important to a point, I suppose. If possible, I'd like to get my doctorate, probably in my major, before I hit 30, but maybe I'm asking too much.

Thing is, I want a job that constantly challenges me, but doesn't cause me so much stress that I can't enjoy the job. I think earning my Ph.D. and becoming a professor would be the ultimate for that. And I know I can accomplish it if that is what I truly aim to do. Because graduating with a degree in my majors won't really provide for much job opportunity.

Working with an HR firm would really be selling my soul, because it goes against everything I believe in. I want to work toward the advancement and the improvement and expansion of unions, but many of these jobs are for non-profit organizations, and I"m not going to be able to live off such small funds forever.

So, my ultimate goal is to first move out in 2004 after I graduate to a small, affordable place outside of the college town, where I will find some job, hopefully pertaining to my major, and at the same time attend graduate school. After getting my masters, hopefully more jobs open when added to the experience I have acquired by that time in the field. Maybe I can live on my own or with my girlfriend (if we're still together) and be able to live a little better. At this point, I hope to earn my Ph.D. at some point, and return to the education field as a professor. Also, I will have to TA during my grad years and all the while, I will be paying off loans.

Whew, there it is. Now time to collapse in my bed. 3:45 AM...damn.

MENTAL : PHYSICAL : SOCIAL

2011-01-19T16:38:00.002-05:00

My Goals:

1. Earn my Bachelors' Degree
2. Get into a graduate school of some type
- do well on the GRE's
-Talk to advisors/professors/TA's in my department
3. Learn an instrument, or two, or three
4. Stay healthy
-Improve my heart rate by running
-Improve my skills in basketball by playing when I have the opportunity
-Keep up with my calisthenics (push-ups, sit-ups) and curls
-Get check-ups periodically if I find something wrong with myself
-Eat healthier
+Lots of protein (chicken mostly, and eggs)
+Balance out with carbs, and burn them with the above
5. Learn a martial art
-Such as Jiu-Jitsu or Muay Thai
6. Improve in arts beside music
-Drawing
-Cooking
-Anything creative that can appeal to me
7. Keep my social life active by not obsessing over any of these goals

8/21/02- Fate is a funny thing

2011-01-19T16:26:00.003-05:00

It's not so much a life that is given to you, and you just go through the motions, live your life, and then die. Instead, it's more of a series of "tests", or experiences to build character in one way or another, and prepare you for the greater tests and the greater experiences you will meet later in life.

However the results of tomorrow's test eventually turn out, I will be a changed man inside.

My gut, and my logic say there is about an 80% chance it will be positive. All the signs are there, and I have read nothing to discourage my belief that I do have it. Either way, I am looking toward God for guidance, support, and gratitude. I will be grateful that it isn't something life-threatening. I am above the level where petty inconveniences affect me as much as they may other people. This is also not just black or white. There are levels that I can hope/pray for.

It isn't weighing as much as other things have. I must be strong. I must help myself. I must trust Lucy fully. I must NOT fall into old habits, or fall victim to immature views on life and living.

7/11/02 - Maybe I'm just a hypochondriac

2011-01-19T16:22:00.003-05:00

Who knows, but I'm starting to worry about my health. The soreness in my shoulders, along with the swelling and tenderness of my right middle finger, plus the tenderness and stiff feeling in my left ring finger has got me worried. What if it were more than a mere coincidental series of pains. What if it were something that connects them all? Something that could drastically change my lifestyle?

As usual, I expect the worst, but hope to God for the best possible scenario. Either way, just thinking and dwelling in the realm of that worst case scenario opens my mind up a little. I always have a sense of what is and what is not truly important, but these little moments of crisis I put myself through seem to illuminate them that much more.

I'm going to just try and sleep right now, and I'll pick up on this when my thinking patterns are a little clearer.

7/9/02 - Is melancholy a good calm or a bad calm?

2011-01-19T16:21:00.002-05:00

Despite not knowing the definition of the word, that's how I would describe myself.

It's as if I"m numb to any thought or feeling.

It takes a big fucking effort to even put words down on paper.

Can't be explained, I guess. Just dwelled upon.

Shame dwelling isn't considered an art form.

7/1/02 - Funny that the day I decide to pick this book up again

2011-01-18T16:21:00.003-05:00

...is after seeing Doug and Irene driving off and feeling disgusted with my life. Funny because the last thing I wrote in this dealt with the night he took her.

I wrote that night out of jealousy and confusion. But that's how I felt then, and I guess it's how I feel now. I just don't know if it's in my being to ever be in a position like they are. I always second guess anything I do, and that hesitation usually leads to regret in some way or another. I've got to stop focusing on what's wrong with me, because by my judgment, I'm the most normal person in the world.

I think I'm just cursed with a gift of extreme empathy. I see things through the eyes of other people better than the average person, which makes it really hard to form my own self-image. I'm so many different people to everyone in my life, and I take on those images, and try my best to turn them into a coherent human being. But that's impossible. It's impossible to unite contradictions, because of their very nature. Instead I'm forced to live as an infinite number of people, because I know what people expect from me, and I give it to them. I honestly don't know which of them is most genuine, or if they're all just as genuine as one another. They can't be united into a simpler laid out formula, but that's probably what can be said about anyone.

I do know that I'm tortured. The simplest thing in the world, like holding a conversation, is such a monumental task to me. I simply don't have the skill, or the confidence, to just up and flow with anything I come into contact with. And that'll always be my greatest barrier.

I see people in terms of genuine or fake. People can be nice to me, but I just can't trust anyone. Like I was thinking before, unless they give me no other choice but to like them, I am going to always have my doubts. It's why it took me so long to become friends with Eric, or Craig, or Bubba. I always keep in mind scenarios in which they would ditch me, or talk bad about me. There's no doubt in my mind that Courtney, Doug, Josh, and them would turn their back on me in a second if it meant a bettering of themselves.

On the other hand, Matt, Eric, Craig, Bubba, and Fat Mike would not ever conceivably do something like that. Shit, it's ALREADY HAPPENED with Doug, so speculation is over with him. He's now an enemy, I don't care how dramatic that sounds. When I look at him, I see a rat. Someone that doesn't care who he has to step on to fulfill his own interests. He's just a typical spoiled whiny rich kid who wants everything and will do whatever it takes to get it.

I didn't sense that trait in Aaron or Aziz. And of course I don't sense it in Curtis. Those three were some of the most genuine people I've ever lived with, because they were true, and they didn't care who saw their inconsistencies. And that is what I strive to be, above all else. I strive to be a genuine person, with a genuine soul.

When others look at me, I never want to be spited, and I never want to look as if I'm a rat. This comes above all else, which brings me back to a quiet night by myself. Feeling lonely and isolated. Does one tie into the other? Am I just too damn nice for my own good? Or should everything I do be methodical, attempting to push an agenda and fulfill my interests above anything else.

My conscience won't let me live that way. I never want to be viewed by another person the way I look at Doug. I never want someone to consider me that low of a form of life. And this isn't even a conscious decision I've made. It's just a part of who I am. And that thread holds together every contradictory, inconsistent part of my personality.

4/27/02- Empty

2011-01-18T16:12:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm writing in here again, which means there must be something going on in my life that I need to get off my chest, right? Wrong. Just the opposite, actually. I have nothing going for me right now, and I'm beginning to feel really empty.

Between not having a place for next year, not knowing when the hell I'll ever get a girl, and thinking about the few real friends I've made in my life to this point, things seem out of place.

But maybe I'm over-dramatizing everything to explain the lack of energy I have right now. I don't know, I really don't ask for much in life, I don't think, just to feel happy, really. But I guess it takes a lot to get to that point, so maybe I am.

It's funny, that the stupid thing on the internet that's designed to put a scare into you, I actually enjoyed. It actually made me feel something, which is more than I can say about a lot of other things in my life. And maybe I'm wallowing in it more than I should, but it's almost as if I'm comfortable when I'm sad and lonely. I don't have to explain myself, and I can use it as a crutch when it comes to actual interaction.

But everything feels empty recently. Go to a party on the ag campus on field day, a bunch of phony smiles, no one wants real emotion. I met a girl, her name was Irene. She seemed cool; smart, good sense of humor, into music, down to earth. So we talked for a little bit, but all of a sudden, she is attracted to Josh and Doug. All they really have to do is show up, and it's instant attraction. It makes me wonder if I just don't realize my ugliness, because honestly, I don't see it. Not to sound conceited, but I always considered myself a good-looking guy, and I thought I was right, but I guess there's something about me that repels people.

So anyway, she walks off with Doug, takes his number, and that's that. She's now Doug's situation, not mine. And I guess I can't hate on Doug for it, because he's just trying to find a girl like myself, but the whole situation kinda got me down. I thought a second chance was in store for me through Alicia's friend Elsie, but turns out they left the party they were at early, and she took off.

So it's just me again. And I guess I'm okay and everything. Not any big problems in my life. But there just seems to be something missing. I hope I can fulfill that emptiness.

4/1/02 - Yeah, I read Amy#2's shit

2011-01-18T16:06:00.002-05:00

And it made me feel glad to be me, to be up north in Jersey, and to be able to laugh at those other motherfuckers.

Damn, if that were ME in the south? Those bastards wouldn't know what hit them. Cuz I have support. But I guess this isn't why I'm writing.

I decided against the whole hook-up, mostly because I don't feel like driving all the way down there and coming back for work tonight. Just too out of the normal day for me. Yeah, I guess I'm still pretty tame and conventional.

Just time to go through some thought bytes, the off-the-top-of-the-head shit that clears me out a little bit:

-Talked to Heidi again on IM. Every time I think I've talked to that girl for the last time, she surprises me. And I can't lie and say I don't like it, because I actually think deep down, that she's a good-hearted person and someone I might like to know better. But at the same time, I think of all the negatives surrounding the girl. She doesn't get along with people, pretty much as a rule, she's starved for attention, she's a groupie, etc etc.

But on the other hand, she's really a beautiful girl, she can be cute and fun to hang out with at times, and she really can be the sweetest thing on two legs when she wants to be. And I'm sure if I could get her to apologize to Eric, Kelly, Matt, etc, things would be cool. Or maybe I just want that ass. Who knows?

-Speaking of girls, Toni talks to me all the damn time now, too. What is it about girls that talk to you so much more after you ignore them?

Anyways, I'm down with getting down with Toni if she came up to school. I'm just in it for a piece. Damn, emotions took over again. I'm out.

3/5/02 - Need Some Inspiration

2011-01-18T16:03:00.003-05:00

I gotta fond some music that's gonna inspire me. Some movie that'll get me off my ass and doing something with my talents. A writer that opens my eyes like RetroZine used to.

I'm at a lull right now. The things I listen to, read, watch, etc seem all prepackaged and stale. Where are the artists that keep it consistently fresh? That never fail to disappoint? That keep me begging for more?

Maybe this is just a cry for myself to get motivated again. But I realized something. In order to truly express yourself, you need money. I need to get an instrument if I want to play something, for example.

Blah, I'm spent. Fuck it.

3/5/02 - Here and Gone

2011-01-18T15:59:00.003-05:00

It's amazing how when someone exits my life, I don't really think much about it until much later. I don't usually get that sense of departure and loss, mostly because I never think of it as really losing someone, just moving a little further from them, or making the next time I see them seem a little further away.

The last time I really remember feeling the impact of seeing someone leave was back when I was young, maybe 10, when dad would visit for a week or so. I just remember that genuinely affecting me, nearly to the point of crying, because I had no idea when I would ever see him again. But even that never affects me anymore. I don't feel anything toward my dad now. In fact, it is very rare he even enters my thoughts at this point in my life.

I'm much more preoccupied with missing everyone else that I most likely will never see again. Some of the people I met at school really meant something to me, whether they know it or not. They held something beyond the bullshit posturing we go through at the house here. I actually felt something real with them, instead of trying my hardest to act like the others so they'll accept me more. I'm mainly thinking about Ronnie, Ruchi, and Aaron, because all of them didn't put on a front and were very real to me. --

--

I guess I'll pick up on this later. I hate this shit, I can't develop my own thoughts.

2/22/02 - Alone, rare

2011-01-18T14:18:00.002-05:00

It's not often I feel this way. Like I'm on my own again. No crew, no girl, no best friend. I mean, I do have 2 of those things at home waiting for me, but as of this moment I'm pretty comfortable being isolated. In my own little world.

I'm not as insecure as I used to be, which means I have less questions about my internal being, like what I want, what's best for me, and all that. Now it's more a question of when and how. I'm not real passionate about it anymore either, more like impatient. Seems like I'm mroe socially driven than anything else, although I can't deny that I do feel it internally too.

There's also no ONE that I'm striving for. I've gone through a good number of them: Rebecca, Alicia, Amy#2, Christina, Heidi, etc, but nothing good ever came out of it. Just being that insecure boy with a stupid crush that they all laugh at.

Insecurity is a powerful force. It can make a man do outright stupid shit. But I can't wait until I make it to the top of my game, and shit on all those that laughed. I don't sever ties, cuz I still like to grasp at straws till I find something else secure. One day, I'll look back and smile. Not cuz I realized how silly this all is, but cuz I''ll realize how much better I will have been.

2/17/02 - Juices

2011-01-18T14:14:00.002-05:00

Again, my juices are flowing. When I feel something from a work of art, whether it be music, pictures, or writing, my juices flow. They flow in my brain, past my mouth, down to my hands, and through the ink of this pen.

It's like a last ditch effort to get something out there. I honestly don't know what else I'm talented in other than expressing as best I can through paper and pen how I feel. If I try to rhyme, there's a lot of filler and a lot is said just to keep an average flow. It just comes so forced, I feel too boxed in. I don't write poetry, because then I feel like it's gotta be artsy for arts' sake. So, at best, sometimes my writing is a watered-down prose mixed with boring sometimes unnecessary detail.

But fuck it. It's not for anyone but me anyways. It's when I start to think about what others would think about me when my flow gets stopped.

1/30/02 - Death, Departure and Friendship

2011-01-18T14:04:00.002-05:00

I almost don't know what to write. In a span of a little over a week, 2 people in the house have left, and Doug's grandmother passed away.

As for Aziz, I really didn't think too much of it. He left, along with his attitude, and his space here. It was a matter of convenience to us. With Aaron, though, things are going to change so much more. He pretty much kept the house in order, no matter how little I want to admit it. Also, he was maybe the only one in the house I respected as much as I respect myself, which says a lot, because most people I run into in my life don't earn that. Curtis is borderline. Actually, he's probably got my respect too, but if he does, that's it.

I can tolerate Josh, Doug, Courtney, Ian, and Aziz, but I never fully respected them. Aaron was different though. He was genuine. He had nothing to prove to anybody, and I always respected that. Also, if something was bothering him, he'd out and say it. And he usually made a whole lot of sense.

It's just been a dreary, rainy night. Dreary outside, and dreary inside. I can just feel that things are going to be a lot different now, in the house. My thoughts are so jumbled, I can't even really get them out coherently.

Seems like all my friends and acquaintances are going through some life-changing experience. Aaron and Aziz are going back home, Doug lost his grandmother, Eric lost his job, his girlfriend, and not to mention his uncle a couple weeks ago, Jackson's about to get sent back to prison, hell, even Bubba got suspended and signed out of high school.

It makes me think of why people would want to sacrifice something that is so good for them. After all these turns of events, it makes me appreciate the things I do have so much more. It also makes me want to hold onto them tighter than I ever have before. Eric, Matt, and Craig are the best thing I've ever had going for me in my life. Not because they're popular kids I can show off to show how cool I am, but because they're my rock. They will always be there for me despite what I say or do. They are always willing to listen to me, and will never ditch me for anything.

And this all brings me to next year. Can I really live in a household with more phoniness than now? I really don't think it's possible. And for the $400-plus I"m paying every month to live here, I could put towards an apartment with Eric, Matt, and Craig. I could move somewhere between here and the home town and just commute every day, living with my boys and away from all this shit I'm feeling.

But I really have to get to sleep. I'll most likely write more, since so much shit has happened, but I need at least 4 hours sleep tonight.

11/1/02 - Got some simple short-termstuff on my mind

2011-01-18T13:53:00.003-05:00

...as well as some longer-term stuff. First and foremost, I want to get to Wal-Mart before the sister wakes up and get her a few birthday gifts before the party begins. That shouldn't be too big a deal, as I'll try to get mom to drive me.

That brings me to the next thing--a car. I was supposed to hold it for Jackson until he gets out, but now since the paperwork seems like it'll be a pain in the ass, and it's a marked car as it is, maybe it's not such a good idea as it seemed at the time.

I'll have to bum rides off of people, and it's inconvenient for me as well as them, but I'll end up saving a lot of money in insurance, and won't have to deal with the harassment I would have likely faced. Only problem is that I hope this doesn't fuck Jackson too badly, and he's able to get his car back when he gets out.

The other thing on my mind is Lucy. I've been trying not to sweat this girl too much and not think about her or fall for her, and, honestly, that approach seemed to work. I guess she's my girlfriend, according to the talk we had yesterday after messing around. My take is still a little fuzzy, though. I like her a lot: she has no pretenses or attitudes of superiority about her, she's still a virgin, and she makes me laugh and smile, which are all good things. But I'm not 100% on her. I guess it's impossible to be 100%, but it seems like I didn't even get a chance to feel it out or come up with my own thoughts on it, because I was too worried about whether or not she would come around. And now that she has, I have to think that I've made a commitment to be exclusive to her, and not to hurt her in any way. And now my doubts come rushing in: Will she be able to accept my friends? Will they accept her? Will she be willing to hang out with my friends? The ones at school AND the ones in the hometown? Will she understand why I'm friends with them, and accept me as friends of theirs fully? Also, the sexual element is in my head too. Am I always going to be the one to do all the work? Will she break out of her shell? Am I going to get bored with it?

These are the questions that spin in my head all the time. And I haven't even gotten to the fact that she graduates and will probably go back to her mom's house next semester while I stay in the college town.

But I can't think like that. She's a good girl, which is a rarity out there, and I really don't want to fuck this up. So I'll just try to enjoy it for the moment, and let the future unfold however.

6/6/02 - I'm alone in a couple senses of the word

2011-01-18T11:37:00.003-05:00

I'm starting to live by myself for the summer for 4 days out of the week in the college town, and I live as isolated as possible from people in the basement here, but what I'm referring to most is that I'm 20 years old and I honestly don't know if or when I'll ever find a girl.

Surprisingly in light of this fact, I'm not really depressed or incredibly lonely. It's more embarrassment, and the feeling that I'm missing out. I guess I feel that because it's never really happened for me, and I don't really fully know what I'm missing.

It used to be a single girl that I would focus on. I would mildly obsess over her, try my hardest to figure out what to do to get her, and then lament over the impossibility of that dream. Sadly, it seems that things have gotten worse. At the very least, I knew what it was I wanted back then. Today, I don't even have that luxury. I went from unattainable goal to nonexistent goal, or at least not one I'm fully conscious of.

What I wouldn't give to be in a situation like I was in freshman year, with Raechel. Had I known that in one year, all those people I made sure weren't offended would go on to turn their backs on me, I would have done what I felt like doing and gone for her. Yes, I regret the way I handled the situation. I chose, quite naively, what I perceived to be potential long-term friendships over what could have been anything from a really good time while it lasted, or even a long-term relationship with a girl I could stand. So as not to piss off my "friends", I ended it. I thought Ronnie, Grace, and Melody would be so proud of me. I dropped the weird quiet girl.

Little did I realize that maybe I'm the weird, quiet boy to certain people. Those three never returned the favor. It had nothing to do with romance, but I had an attachment to them. I felt comfortable with them. I could really talk to them. But, it's all relative, I guess. Perceptions are a bitch. So, yeah, again, I regret it, but I've learned from it. I'll never let it happen again, as far as I consciously can.

But when the hell am I going to get the opportunity? I mean, I love that I have friends that genuinely care about me. Without them, I don't know what I would do. The problem is, I want more. Everyone seems to be finding their place and finding someone to compliment them nicely. Craig's found Jessica, who I have told him is like a perfect compliment to his personality. Matt and Mandie is a little shakier (or I guess a lot shakier) but at least there's something there. Doug's found Irene, which honestly angers me to no end, since he met her by interrupting our conversation at that party. If only I had gotten her number that night, who knows what could have happened. But anyways--

--

Even last summer, I thought Christina or Heidi were potentials. Of course it was misguided, but at least it gave me some semblance of hope. I had a name and a face to strive for. Not it's just an abstraction. They're off doing their thing at Seaside, and they have more than likely wiped me out of their minds for good. I'm done talking to them or thinking about any potential what ifs, but those three won't ever be wiped clear, I don't think. Just like Rebecca, just like Alicia, and just like Mary. Foul women that didn't even know what they meant to me at the time, and never will. It's the same with Christina and Amy#2, and almost even with Heidi, although with her, things did go at least SOMEWHERE.

But the past is the past. Yes, I regret mistakes I make. Everyone does, despite what they might say. But I learn from these mistakes. I have so many regrets, it almost pains me to rethink them. All in all, I can only hope they shape me as an individual, strengthen and build my character, and make me more well-rounded in the future.

I guess I just have to remain patient and await opportunities to come to me. Seems like a pretty simple plan.

5/19 - Man, I never seem to grow out of my insecurity

2011-01-18T11:36:00.002-05:00

3/24 - Well, tomorrow it's back to the college house

2011-01-18T11:18:00.002-05:00

Back to school. Back to all the shit I've been ignoring and avoiding for the past week.

I hate to dramatize it so much, but I know I'm going to be overwhelmed by the amount of work I am gonna be forced into submerging myself into right away. That's pretty much all I'm dreading. Personally, I can handle the living arrangement another 2 months. I can handle the stagnant relationship that has become of my once tight friendship. I can tolerate feeling like an outcast while I'm with my housemates. That stuff's all petty shit, and I'm above it all. As long as I know I have real friends back home, and the feelings I'll be experiencing will only be temporary, I can just smile and just rise above all that negative shit.

The real hard part is the actual time and effort I'm gonna have to sacrifice. And it all starts tomorrow night with the paper I've been putting off. Then, right away, I have to worry about that stupid fucking assignment where we have to sit around and dickride members of the activist organizations. I'm clearly working with 2 fucking idiots, and I'm gonna have to take control, because sitting back and hoping they get something done has produced shit. Luckily, I got the big exams out of the way, so at least I don't have to worry about them for a couple of weeks.

I just hate the fact that I can never have free time to relax and forget about everything. This week was perfect, and just thinking about going back to that kind of makes my head spin. But I guess it's the sacrifice I make for an education. Or to just have that piece of paper that might get me a job easier.

Either way, I'm still grateful for this week. I got to hang with my crew, laugh harder than I have in a long-ass time, and spend about $150 on absolutely nothing. And I would rather have a bunch of those nights with my birthday money and tax return than some material bullshit that would just further individualize and isolate me.

But, I guess it's time I get back to the real world.

3/22/02 - It's time to write again, just for the sake of writing

2011-01-18T11:01:00.002-05:00

It seems I've lost the ability to sit here and articulate life so deeply so as to actually make it clearer to myself and have a better understanding of where I'm coming from.

I want that back.

Maybe it's because of the severe structure I'm under that comes with college. Maybe it's because I get so much more emotion and all out when I'm with my friends. Maybe I've become that much more secure in myself, and I have to direct my writing away from the introspective focus it once had, and start articulating things I don't know as well as myself.

That seems to be the best explanation for this writer's block I've been experiencing. It's the easiest thing in the world to write about yourself and any emotional/physical/financial/social/etc problems you're facing. All your energy is in you, and you seem to come up with sort of an internal dialogue that when written on paper, becomes much clearer and your arguments take more of a tangible form.

I still go through those dialogues in my head, as does every human being with a given problem to work out. So why can't I get them on paper in a coherent manner anymore?

I'm far from completely secure in myself. I still suffer from an unexplainable lack of female companionship. That, in addition to some other social ills, is my main problem.

The thing is, I find myself hesitating when I begin to write about this topic, which means I'm hesitating to really think about it.

What exactly am I looking for? I know a quick fuck won't give me any long-term satisfaction, but maybe it will LEAD to long-term satisfaction, if that makes any sense. Let me explain.

I get my rock off, which leads to a change in demeanor, at least for a short while. In this limited time, maybe my confidence is boosted and I find it easier to talk to certain girls in ways I was prevented from doing earlier. With the ice broken, even after that limited time has passed, maybe those girls become potentials to get back in that zone, keeping the cycle alive. And possibly in those hook-ups, I find a girl I connect with on a higher level and I'm at long-term satisfaction.

I dunno. It's just a theory. And it begins with Amy#1. I have every opportunity to test this theory if I want to, but the problem with that is there are also a couple conflicting theories floating around my head regarding outcomes of that.

The scariest of these is if she's not clean. And that is probably the number one reason that is preventing me from doing this. Both Eric and Craig have had her, and Eric swears she's clean, but how can I be sure? No doubt I'll wear a rubber either way, but even if she IS clean, how will I know?

This leads me to another factor--the backfire. Instead of boosting my confidence and increasing my chances of all that, maybe I'll get paranoid and back out of future opportunities. (note-I always find myself re-phrasing things over and over , and can never really find the words for a lot of what I'm writing about when this topic comes up. That could be pointing to an unhealthy outlook on it.)

Anyways, for such a stupid, meaningless decision, a lot is sure riding on it. And that's what makes me so frustrated with the whole thing.

Now, I'm starting to drift into the whole aesthetics of it all, and losing focus of what I'm writing about, which is another difficulty in writing about this topic. It can't be purely logical, because there seems to be this unexplainable aura that also pulls me apart.

So, I guess I'll just jump in and explore without using words and reason, from here on out. I'm done.

1/26/02 - Regretful Pride

2011-01-14T14:46:00.002-05:00

I don't even know what bothers me about it.

Is it that the double standard of Craig's racism and Eric's racism was exposed? Was it that he exposed that I really was giving an empty threat? Was it that he was pissed that I usually take Eric's side? Or is it the lack of respect I got back?

I don't know, it's probably nothing to even get concerned over, but I did make a mistake by taking offense to something because society tells me to.

Truth is, I wasn't offended, but for some reason, my pride made me open my mouth and defend the one half of my blood that I never really even considered myself before around last year.

I'm sure this will do absolutely nothing to change anything in our friendship, but I'm sure he has this thought somewhere in his mind, and that's what bothers me. It's not about who can kick who's ass, nor is it about who can make fun of the other one more, but it's more about who's truer, who's realer, which one is fronting more. And I think that's why I'm bothered so much by it. Because he exposed my front, and I didn't really do anything to his, except for the whole tanning thing.

I'm gonna end this little thing though, because I have reading to do. Best course of action is to be as real as you are, and don't put on fronts. No tough guy fronts, no ghetto fronts, just me as me. Because I've defined my feeling. My front was smashed, and this is the after effect. My bluff called. My poker face read. The end.

1/07/02 - Losing My Grip

2011-01-14T12:42:00.003-05:00

I don't even know what exactly to write in here. I hate to keep writing just as an update, or simply to clear my mind before bed, but that's usually what I've done, and I guess that's what I'll continue to do.

It's just such shitty writing to say "I'm fine in this area of my life still, but this and so-and-so is giving me trouble, so here's what I plan to do". Problem is, I don't know how else to do it.

If I could turn my problems into something creative, like artwork, or athletics, or even creative writing, at least I'd have something of use, but I'm just too literal for that type of thing. One thing I do try to do is use humor whenever possible to ease my pain. Also, I sometimes tend to have a flair for the dramatic, so that seems to show in my writing as well, so hopefully these little buds of creativity can develop into something more fruitful as I continue to write.

Another problem I have is that my classes at school mostly involve writing about the subject at hand, burning me out on the activity. On the other hand, it does increase my vocabulary, and help with my writing skill, so maybe it's more of a help than a hindrance after all.

Anyways, I'm just trying to clear my mind and get some stuff I've been thinking about on paper.

First thing is my physical shape. I've been doing my upper body regimen for some 7 months now, but have been falling off over winter break, mostly because I'm hardly home, and when I am, I'm usually too lazy to do it. This might be a problem because our Backyard Fighting III takes place on the 18th, and I'm taking on Al. Starting tomorrow (if I'm healthy enough), every night I'm home, I do it.

Another concern I have is with basketball. My asthma was really acting up after that first game, and my legs and lower body was exhausted and sluggish. It really showed that I was not in shape in that regard, but again, if I'm healthy, I have to play any chance I get. This will hopefully bring my wind back to a little better than now and prepare me for the 18th.

Okay, there it is, my attempt to get everything in my head on paper. There's so much going on in my head that I don't have time to write creatively or use metaphors or focus on any one specific area. It's just a bland description of stuff in my life. Little insignificant stuff. Yet important to me nonetheless.

I'm not even going to start on Lauren, cuz I'm not in a writing mood, so I'll save that for later.

Good night.

1/01/02 - On Edge

2011-01-14T12:37:00.002-05:00

Man, I'm just not used to being so on edge all the time. It's kinda funny, because when I'm home from school, I am at my happiest and at my saddest and most angry.

I guess I'm just frustrated. I mean, what can one possibly do about a problem in life that is explicit and preventable, yet just won't go away. This is the ongoing problem of my life, and I've about had it. I'm nearly 20 goddamned years old, and I'm still moping about shit I should have left in my teen years. But this isn't simply a problem that goes away when I get older. It's not something I grow out of. It's the everyday misery of my reality. Nothing epic, but just all the little things in my daily life. A constant reminder of my place in the house, in the family, and in life. And I seriously need to start thinking of ways to end it.

No, not end my life--I love myself too much for that--but end my life as I know it. I know my family can sense that I am slowly drifting away from it, and they have good reason to believe that. Of course, it's not all bad here. As far as my real family goes, from my perspective, it's hunky-fucking-dorie. But that tangible tension, that sentient resentment that lingers in my life prevents me from moving on and instead is pushing me to start moving OUT. Out of this area, to a place where I can worry about shit I'm supposed to worry about, not this bullshit about material possessions, or if my room is clean enough, or how to put a front on that shows how normal everyone here is.

Yeah, this is probably selfish, and I should take all other points of view into consideration, but this isn't about the context of everyone else's life, it's about the context of mine.

I wouldn't curse my worst enemy with this.

12/29/01

2011-01-13T17:04:00.002-05:00

Yeah. That's the date. It's about time I start dating my entries for future reference. Guess it starts here.

I'm finally really feeling a need to get my creative juices flowing again. It's been probably about 2 months since I just sat and wrote something. It's been even longer since I've attempted to sketch anything, or even doodle. The past month or so has been dedicated to finals, Christmas shopping, and hanging out. Not to mention playing PS2.

But I'm aching to see if I've lost it. Have I lost my passions? I remember how I used to love nothing more than shooting hoops in my backyard, or just dribbling the ball, inventing my own moves, experimenting with anything I thought might work. But that died. It died for a number of reasons.

First of all, the music I listened to, and the culture I chose to surround myself with was anti-athlete. Come to think of it, punk rock is anti-everything. It doesn't help youth, it discourages it. Unless you strive to play a musical instrument really badly for your friends and basically do anything to piss people off, punk doesn't promote it. It's so much about fashion that there's no room for anyone to grow into a creative individual. That's one big difference between the punk and hip-hop scenes. At the very least, hip-hop rewards talent--balling ability, rhyming ability, etc. Not that it doesn't have its problems, but it doesn't seem as image-intensive.

Anyways, that's got nothing to do with what I'm trying to say. Fact is, I watched that And1 mix tape, and I read about street ballers, and white vs. black athletes, and it just got me thinking what I could be right now if I devoted more time into caring about things and less time into NOT caring.

I think I had, and still have, a decent amount of natural talent. It was always brought out when I would play with the cousins and my uncle. Of course, I was always older, but my uncle always seemed impressed, the cousins always seemed impressed, and even their friends seemed impressed. I always had the highest confidence when playing with them, and that's where I think my talent really shined.

At school, or at home, through, was another story. I always felt intimidated by the more popular kids. I always had the thought in the back of my mind that there was a reason they were more popular, and I just couldn't picture myself being better than them in anything. I did consider myself marginal to that group, so I still felt I could hang with them at ball, but it never occurred to me that the kid that was impressing everybody at my cousin's house was the same kid who was trying out for the school team in middle school and high school. Maybe if I had grown up knowing only that confidence, I wouldn't be able to see it any other way. Maybe my skills could have truly shined, then.

Of course, there are physical attributes that prevent me from quickly mastering certain things in the game. I'm only about 5'4"-5'5", first of all. Also, I have pretty small hands and small feet--not b'ball traits. And also, I never was as in good of shape as I am now, and even now a lot of kids are in better shape than me. So, if you were to look at me, you would not see a ball player. I was short, chubby, had small hands and feet, and lacked self-confidence.

The good thing about that is that I've toned down, and I've gained my self-confidence, mostly through hanging out with my crew. That did wonders for me as a person. And also, I did have good attributes that hopefully carry over to me as a 19 year old that were part of me as a 14-15 year old. The aforementioned talent, my ball-handling skills, my first step that has yet to consistently fail me, my aggressiveness around the rim and even in post-up situations, and my awareness of the court and what's going on. I honestly feel that I possess these skills from the amount of time I did put into the game when I was younger. I just hope they didn't fade over time. I mean, I can now visualize beating someone off the dribble, but do I have the experience and practice to back it up?

If John Smith or Ryan J. or Kyle R. kept their practicing and are as progressively good now as then, would I be able to beat them?

Basically what this is asking is: was confidence the only thing missing? Was that lack of confidence the only reason I couldn't run with them? Or was there a talent or harder work ethic that went into it?

Call it false confidence, but I feel I can run with anybody now that I'm semi-in-shape and don't back down mentally. I'm glad I'll get the opportunity to attempt to show it first-hand next Tuesday at that school thing. This means a lot more to me than I thought it would. It's not just a way to kill time and get in shape for our Backyard Fighting on January 11, but it's a second-chance, a way to prove to myself that I do have the skill and mental capacity to be what I want to be.

Return to Normalcy?

2011-01-13T16:35:00.003-05:00

Well, since my last entry, a lot of time has passed. About a month or so. And in this time, I once again realized that words and action, theory and practice, are 2 very separate things. They each have their effects on one another, but they retain some level of autonomy at the same time.

Of course, I'm talking about the "change" Eric has gone through. He has begun going back to church, reading the bible, and changing some of his believs, but on the other hand, he is back to cursing, sex, and just being back to being Eric.

I've pretty much got my life boiled down to my practical needs right now. Some things that are weighing on my mind are money, the crew, sex, and school.

As far as money goes, I'm still pretty strapped, since $100 every 2 weeks or so isn't really a living wage. I have to use that money for gas, utilities, and to cover the rent that my refund check doesn't pay. Not to mention giving at least $50 for car insurance and attempting to pay off my debt from last year. Also, Christmas is coming up, which is always hard on me since I'm so damn strapped around this time. Needless to say, I won't be buying myself anything for a long damn time, so while I do feel some guilt in the fact that I'm getting so much help, at least I can take comfort in the fact that I'm not getting greedy.

In regard to the crew, some of us are tighter than ever and others are just hanging on, at this point. I like the way Eric has put it, calling Bubba, Steve, and Fat Mike, the "B-team" at this point.

It's definitely true that some of them have to prove themselves true if they want respect. But I'm just glad I have them in my life, because if I didn't have that--someone that appreciates and respects my friendship as much as I do theirs, someone that will drop plans, sacrifice their lives, and always have my back no matter what--if I didn't have that, I'd just be another lost soul not knowing my place in the world. Thank god for Eric and Matt. And, to a slightly lesser extent, but still my boy, Craig.

Jackson, I'm going to have to see about. We're cool when we're down, but I have to make sure we can chill with no phoniness. He's definitely someone good to know, though, with his experience and subsequent knowledge, and yeah--he's a good guy to have on your side, too. Fat Mike is cool with me, and we can always chill without awkwardness, but it seems like he suffers from that same lack of bullshit-detector that affects Curtis, which is definitely an obstacle for me in any relationship.

I've realized that through experience. They kind of subconsciously tell that I am truer than these other kids around them that are just entertained by them or whatever, but they can't ever make it explicit. And to equate me as the same level as, say, Courtney or Josh, is to shit on the friendship we've built over the years. But I've gotten off track. This isn't about Curtis, it's about the crew. Bubba is simply too young, mentally, to be considered anywhere within the crew, in my standards. I'll be down with him when I'm around him, but he's the last person that's gonna give me shit, because he, in all actuality, means nothing to me. And if we have to trim the fat, nothing against the kid, but it wouldn't really affect my life if he were gone. Steve I won't even give the dignity of telling why he doesn't belong. It's just too easy.

Now about sex, I'm mentally and physically aching for some. It's been an incredibly long dry spell, and I'm really ready to do something about it. Jackson's advice is always golden, as is Eric's, so I'm gonna follow it. In my own words, it more or less comes down to showing a girl you have interest, but also showing her that at the same time, you have more options in your life than just her. Don't make it seem like she's all or nothing for you. Can't let her see you get torn apart over her. Always have to let her know that you're not gonna be waiting around and if she screws up too much, then she could lose you for good. Emotions don't come into play on your part. It's simply a matter of practicality. Remember, I have enough friends at this point in my life. I'm fully satisfied with the friends, male and female, that I have, which is something I couldn't always say. So, from here on out, friends are not my matter of concern. I'm going to play the game with my extremely limited experience and with the advice I get from the experience of other people. And only by doing it, trying and failing, and figuring out what I did wrong and correcting it. Over and over, with maybe some successes along the way. It's time to get serious about this. No more hoping it'll fall in my lap like last year. That was a rare exception, not the rule. Time to start using your own skills and own game as much as possible.

Finally, as for school, I have mixed feelings. Living there for over 2 months now, I've gotta say I feel out of place. Thank god for me having my own room, though. Alicia is still there, which I've been thinking about. It just recently occurred to me that between her and Melody, I'm a bitch. I do them both favors, whether it's driving Alicia to East Brunswick or walking at 11 PM to Melody's to console her. But when I ask for something back--in Alicia's case, to get a book for me from the library and in Melody's case, just to acknowledge that I'm at the fucking house--I get shit on. So, unless they can prove their friendship, which I have more than done for them, I'm going to either call them on it, which will no doubt lead to a fight, or just cut them out, just push them out of my life, because it's just added stress. If If they can tell that their FRIEND is getting pissed off on account of them, and they make no effort to repair that breach, then they're not worth having in your life. And if it's just a matter of them being thickheaded and not realizing it, then I'll make it blatantly obvious.

So, it goes 1- get pissed 2-let them know you're pissed, and why, and 3- if they don't do anything about it, or don't care, then walk. It will probably be the hardest thing in the world to do, but it will end up saving you stress instead of causing you stress. The benefits will far outweigh the negatives.

As for the rest of school--I'm behind in Soc, Poli-Sci, and Lal;, plus I don't know if I'm gonna get a good schedule next year and I pray to god I do well in my classes. But I'll save all this shit for another entry. Probably in another 2 weeks.

"The rich kids never understood

2011-01-13T16:03:00.002-05:00

But I don't care, I can fade away to anywhere
don't stop, cuz you might get dropped,
And if you do, who's gonna pick you up
well I won't, well I won't
They always played a slow song"

Damn, things done changed. Going away to college and leaving my true friends for the first time in my life. I was kind of afraid I'D be the one going through changes, growing up, and eventually growing apart.

But right now I'm sitting idly by and watching Eric become born-again. And it's scary.

Just 2 weeks ago, when I came home, Eric was his usual jokey, uncensored, self. We had a good serious talk with me and him, and Craig in the backyard, where Eric admitted that he acts the way he does because he feels that if he isn't "on" and entertaining us all the time, he's scared we wouldn't hang out with him anymore. And I had an inkling of that. Despite the crazy shit he said and did, whether making racist jokes, yelling out his car at people, or acting like an asshole to random strangers for our amusement, I always knew his heart was in the right place. So, I had expected him to kind of gradually settle down to the point where we would grow up to be somewhat mellow. All of us. Me, Eric, Craig, Jackson, Fat Mike, and Matt.

But what I saw yesterday was something I NEVER expected to see. He had completely dropped every aspect of his personality that could be considered "sinful". Here he was, the kid that could talk the best game I've ever heard, the kid that single-handedly "corrupted" me, the kid with the filthiest mouth I had ever heard, saying things like "long as heck" or "OMG". He had given up swearing. He's stopped having sex. He won't flip the middle finger. He's giving away all his porn.

Damn, this hit like a ton of bricks.

I think a lot of this has to do with the Trade Center bombings from the 11th. It may have put a lot into perspective for him. His mother always pushes for him to go to church anyways, so with that motivation, plus the friendship of Fat Mike, it finally pushed him over the edge and he did it.

And I'm not sure about how I feel about it. Somehow I fear that this could provide just enough distance between the two of us to push us apart. I kinda fear that the way I act, which, by the way, is heavily influenced by him, will ironically be clashing with his new way of life. That somehow, even if he doesn't consciously realize it, he'll be judging me. Every time I say the word "fuck", I know he'll internally cringe, and he'll look at me, in the black-and-white world much of organized religion teaches, as a sinner.

I can't help but wonder how much this is going to change things. Will we be able to hang out like we used to? Just me and him, and maybe Craig, just watching TV and talking about chicks, or going on the internet grossing each other out, or cracking on each other with big smiles on our faces. I don't know, honestly And I know it sounds incredibly selfish, but I don't want to lose those parts of our friendship.

Even if we still kinda do these things, I won't be able to help but wonder just how much of what he says or does is contrived, and not just a natural instinct. Because I don't want him to phony out for me, either. I love this kid, and while it's good to see him growing up, I don't think I like how changed he's becoming.

I'm in an emotional time in my life. I've almost cried twice in the past week. Once when I was laying in bed, at school, mentally going over a fantasy conversation with my mother about how her lifestyle has so restricted a lot of aspects of my life, and again driving home from the college town, listening to "As the Footsteps Die Out Forever" by Catch 22 about his mother dying, but telling her son not to worry about her even as she suffers in her last days.

It's funny how in both instances, I thought about what it would be like if I were separated from my mother, and I didn't like how I felt. I know now that I truly do love my mother. She's not only a source of income or a person to help me out through practical problems. She brought me to this earth and raised me properly without the luxuries of a husband, adequate money, or a socially accepted lifestyle. I realize now how much she has sacrificed for me and the sister, and for that, I am forever grateful. But I guess I'm just perpetually frustrated that I can't live the same life that all other kids do around me. I always think, despite any problems these kids may have, at least they can escape them or talk about them or fight them in some way. The overall problem I have is one in which there is no set course of action. There are no easy answers. I can't hide it for the rest of my life, obviously. I also can't go the rest of my life scared to bring friends and potential girlfriends home in fear that they may find out. I've got to instead face my fears and risk hitting rock bottom. I think if I can grow the balls to risk it, then I'll be man enough to accept the consequences despite what they might be.

On any rate though, I'm just thinking that at this point in my life, my boys are the best thing I've got going for me. I'll continue to work my ass off at school, I'll continue to remain friendly with Aaron, Derrick, Curtis, Josh, Aziz, Courtney, and Ian at college, I'll try and make the best of my current situation, but I know that I've got true happiness out there. I know that there's ALWAYS a place to turn where I can vent, ALWAYS an ear to listen, and that makes me happy.

I guess that's why I'm so disturbed by Eric's change. I just don't want to lose him as a friend. He's my best friend in the world, and I don't want shit getting ruined by our different views on religion or the way we should behave or anything like that. I hope that when he prays at night, that he's praying for us to all be accepted, and not for us "misguided souls" to "see the light".

Things done changed.

Tension

2011-01-13T15:58:00.002-05:00

I think it's some sort of coping mechanism I have that forces me into blowing things way out of proportion in my mind so that when shit finally goes down, it's not as bad as I imagined it would be.

Going right along with that, I'm always thinking in Worst Case Scenario terms. I think of a way to deal in the worst possible cases, so that I'll be able to deal with anything a shade better.

A good example is what happened tonight. Eric and Matt fought because of a bonehead move by Matt in which he inadvertently hurt his mother by buying his father something from Dairy Queen and not even asking her. But it wasn't just that simple, at least not in my worst case mind. The way I saw it, Eric was pissed that me and Craig were there in the first place. We weren't invited there, and we didn't hang out with him tonight. Instead, we picked up Matt and hung out with him while Eric worked. So, something just wasn't sitting right with that to him, especially because Kelly was over.

Couple this with the fact that I lost the CD player he gave me, and I have every reason to believe, in my overblown worrying, that Eric is genuinely fed up with me. And that makes me feel like shit. The tension in that room and in that house were off the chart, and I couldn't wait to get out of there.

But I don't want to get too hung up on it. Hopefully, this will all blow over, and we can have a tension-free friendship like we used to.

Grow Up

2011-01-13T15:54:00.002-05:00

Well, summer's almost over, so you know what that means--obligatory bitching from every single high school graduate about how their life is ending and all the people they're "leaving behind" will never be seen again.

Specifically, I'm talking about Heidi, the whiniest, bitchiest, most spoiled girl I think I've ever met in my life. She's the type of girl that's not content unless she's got an epic problem in her life. Either she's not talking to you, or if she is, it's whining about the pettiest shit imaginable. I remember one time she complained to me that her friend Christina visits her too much at work, and deduced that she had to be trying to "take over her life".

That's the big thing with girls like Heidi. Everything remotely important is an epic turning point in life, and is going to change the way life is lived from that point on. They don't realize that their life, or anyone's life really, is just a mere thought to so many people. Trust me, when you wear your hospital bracelet from 2 months ago, no one is giving it a second thought, unless that thought is, "Jesus, this girl's fucking starved for attention". But one thing's for sure, they're not getting the same reaction you're expecting--

--

Rejection

2011-01-13T14:25:00.002-05:00

Well, I can now add a bunch more money onto my already looming debt. My car got rejected at the inspection station today because of brakes, back lights, sharp edges on the body, and water in the tail light. I don't even want to know how much this is going to cost me in repairs.

I'm disappointed in the Minibus. When I saw it coming down the line behind a Jeep and in front of some luxury sedan, I felt like the father at a little league game of the kid who pisses himself when he's about to go into the game. I could just tell he was gonna fail by looking at him. Well, that's a pretty shitty feeling, so rest assured when I have a kid, he's gonna make up for the embarrassment I went through today. He's gonna live the life the Minibus couldn't, if I have to beat it into him.

Ok, I'm getting off topic here. The point is, even after spending $61 at the Lube Plus earlier today, the Minibus still couldn't thank me by passing a simple test. No, instead, I have to go out and pamper him with a brake re-alignment, fix its tail lights and back lights, and cover up his sharp edges. I spoil that thing way too much.

There might be an alternative, though. I could cheat for him. I can pay Texaco $35 to do an inspection, which are notorious for its lower standards and maybe, just maybe, they'll be low enough to pass the Minibus. Now, of course this is seedy, and underhanded, but I have to think rationally and financially. Do I really have the money to make all of these repairs? NO. Am I willing to gamble 35 bucks on the hope that Texaco will overlook the couple things that the Inspection Station found weren't of a high enough quality to merely pass? Yeah. This definitely seems like the best option for the amount of money I can claim to my name.

There may be a problem though. While Texaco is not afraid to admit that they're whores of the inspection service in the most subtle ways (such as charging money--why charge unless there's some OBVIOUS benefit we'll get?), will they go so far as to take a car that has already been rejected? Further, do they even have that power to reverse the decision of another, free, more professional, better organized, and highly more credible inspection station? This might be my downfall. By not gambling on my car, I may have just forced myself to get at LEAST some of these things repaired, if not all.

This damn car costs me more money than if I had a bastard son. At least if I had a kid, I could just feed him and clothe him without the government making me bring him to an inspection and forcing me to fix anything wrong with him. So far this car cost me $900 itself, 15 to 20 dollars every time I fill it up, $61 for the oil change, filter, and wipers, $50 for a new battery, and now who knows how much for all these repairs coming up. Not to mention that it has no heat or defroster and no cig lighter, which I have to have installed by winter.

I think after I graduate, I'm going to at least try to live in a city populated enough where I don't need a car, because these things are definitely more trouble, frustration, aggravation, and most importantly, money, than they're worth.

Reveling in Misery

2011-01-13T13:37:00.002-05:00

I just realized something while talking on the phone with Grace before. Something not really provocative enough to warrant a whole article, (or an interesting one, at that) but something that doesn't seem like something I should be very proud of.

It seems I'm happiest when those around me are miserable. Well, not *happiest* exactly, but at least reassured. That's it. I like to feed off of the insecurity of other people. I want to be the secure one. This gives me that luxury.

I get to hear how fucked up everyone ELSE'S life is, so in comparison, it shows that my life's either only equally fucked up or less fucked up--

--

It's pretty strange then, that one of my closest friends for at least 5 years is the epitome of all things "normal". Curtis looks like the guy you see when you're waiting at a bus stop, stuck in traffic, in line at Shop Rite, or doing any other generic daily activity. He's the typical generic guy. Average height, average weight, short brown hair, and typical face. He's the guy you begin talking to before realizing you've mistaken him for someone else. People come up to this kid and ask "you know who you look like? Everybody!"

He also acts normally. Socially anyways. Okay, he does go into laughing fits over things not in the least bit funny. And he does make strange noises or contort his face to save an awkward moment. And he'll analyze something during a conversation to the point where you don't want to talk about it anymore. Okay, okay, he doesn't act normally at all.

But there's something in the midst of all that weirdness that is downright tame. For example, he would never consider in any way breaking the law for any reason, it seems.

But I'm getting too hung up on details. The point is, me and this kid click, even though he doesn't have that fucked-upedness that I seem to feed off of my other friends (Eric, Fat Mike, Matt, Melody, etc)

At least, he doesn't have it on the surface. Now, I could try and find some remote thing in some deep interpretation of his personality to try and solve why we click so well, but it'll probably be all bullshit. So, I'll simplify. In my simple answer, I see Curtis as a little vulnerable to the outside world given that he hasn't been hardened by life as I have. So I take his smiling attitude as slightly weaker than mine, and I tend to take an "older brother" role to him at certain points. I just like to drop reality in his life, where he doesn't quite see it. I show him that instead of taking everything with a smile, it's okay to get pissed off and do something about certain situations.

But it doesn't just work one way. He's there for me, too. He's usually the antithesis of my raging. Like, when he laughs in amusement when something pisses me off, he lets me find the humor in the situation. So, I don't get *too* pissed about things, while he doesn't back down *too* much in certain situations.

This gives me that same reassurance I was talking about, so even though he's "normal", he's not perfect, and he's not too stubborn to let me help him.

T Minus 9

2011-01-13T13:28:00.002-05:00

Time for the obligatory writing on the change I'm about to go through in 9 or 10 more days. On the 20th, I'm out of the hometown. It might be temporary, if we were to find a place in the hometown, but it might be for good if we life somewhere else. I'll most likely move into my college town house and live by myself for a week or so. Only problem there is meals and entertainment. My meal plan won't be in effect for a good 2 weeks after I move in, so I'm gonna have to rely on myself, I guess.

I might ask to crash at Eric's one day, or stay at Cathy's with mom or something, but eventually, I'll be in the college town, most likely by myself or alone with Ian, which will be a pain in the ass.

Either way, my days of responsibility-free hanging out with my boys are almost over. Soon, I'm gonna have to devote my time to going to classes, working, studying, and keeping up the house. All my time's gonna be taken up soon. My weekends, when not loaded with studying and homework and housework, will be my only saving grace.

Worst of all, I have to live in a house with Courtney, which I am not going to enjoy one bit. I'm going to try to keep myself from hating this kid, but it's gonna take a real effort. If he starts bitching, I'm not going to sit and take it. I'll be friendly, but I'm not going to be his friend.

Anyways, in keeping with the apparent theme of my life nowadays, I'm going to focus on the positive. I'm gonna see all my old friends from school again soon. Melody, Grace, Rachel, the rowers, Darrel, Alan, Aziz, and hopefully a little of Ronnie. Personally, I could give two fucks about Dana, Dan C., Courtney, or any of the high school grads that'll be there, although I'm sure I'll see a lot more of them. It's funny how I feel closer to people I've only known about 8 months out of my life than I do some people I've known like 10 times that. I guess living with people does that to you.

I really think I'm gonna miss the dorms, though. The reasons are pretty obvious, really. I liked having chicks around at times, while other times, it was fucking difficult. It'll give me somewhere to go to get away at least, this year. If I'm getting cabin fever, or Courtney's bothering me, or I just need to get out, I can always hop on a bus to the other campus or walk over to Melody's house.

I'm thinking really choppy, though, because every time I think of a bad thing, I think of something positive, and vice-versa. There's just so much that's going into this move that I can't think coherently and thoroughly on one aspect.

Let me take the double move itself. It's a pain in the ass moving twice. Not so much MY stuff because I don't have all that much stuff, but all the crap in the house is a pain. On the other hand, it is kind of exciting that I'm going to be living in 2 completely new places, and they're going to be my homes. Maybe the new place will offer more privacy. Or a bigger room. Or friendlier neighbors. Who knows what can happen with that.

I'm getting very tired though, and can't exactly think straight, so I'm gonna end this here. I'll probably pick up on the same topic again, since this is so big and important.

Icebreaker

2011-01-10T16:58:00.003-05:00

I always hesitate to start writing in this book when I start to feel something. I guess it's because I can't really pinpoint what is bothering me, so that will lead to sub-par and unfocused writing. Who do I care?

No one else is reading this. It's not getting published. Embarrassing writing should be the same as embarrassing masturbation--completely personal. I can always skip over the shit if I leaf back one day. I can always burn and send to hell the stuff I don't want to remember. So, I'm gonna break the ice of shitty writing now.

It occurred to me that this was the summer I found my true friends. I found that sense of fulfillment I always write and think about. And I don't know how I ever lived without them. Seriously.

I guess trial and error's the only way to figure out if people are right for you. Pre-judgment doesn't work. Hearsay doesn't work. There aren't stat cards on people because nothing is that cut and dry. I wrote a long time ago about how I feel a connection with nerds and the like. Not necessarily the Pauls and Steve F's, who change their identities to try to fit in (and fail miserably), but the true legitimate outcasts.

And another thing. When I say outcast, I don't mean rich snobs that act like assholes in order to cut themselves from potential friendships so they can remain in one scene. I mean almost the opposite of that--those who are the ones cut. People whose personalities are far too soft-edged and easygoing to sit at the big table. If someone has criteria set before he/she talks to someone, be it looks, how much they can drink, who their OTHER friends are, etc, etc, I can't ever regard them as being a true friend.

So my friends don't pre-judge. We, out of human nature, remain skeptical sometimes, we might get defensive, or our societally-driven prejudices might inflate a little, but we don't seem to let them get the best of us.

So, pretty much, I am closer to Eric than I am with my family. I don't *hate* anyone in my family, but there are people I just don't feel that closeness with. And I'm not being vague for the sake of being vague, either. I don't know who EXACTLY I'm talking about or what exactly I feel for anyone, but generally, I'm happy when I'm with my friends. And I'm generally unhappy at home. So that's gotta mean something.

It's all very choppy and confusing, but I'll continue to stick with my friends throughout the school year and I'm going to hold them in the highest regard as long as they return the favor.

More specifically...

I feel kinda bad going to Eric's pretty much every night, while leaving the sister at home by herself. I enjoy it here, with just me and her, but on the other hand, I would feel just as badly calling off going to Eric's for no particular reason. So I'll hang out a little with the sister, maybe watch Family Guy or at least tape it, and sleep at Eric's for our weekly breakfast.

Also, financial problems are still getting to me. I'm gonna have to pay $50 extra on next month's rent, because the landlord got it late, also, I'm gonna have to buy those CD's soon from Josh, which is going to cost me another $35, and I pray to god I don't get a ticket for driving an uninspected car, which I'm going to be doing until next Tuesday, because that's like a $120 ticket, and would completely fuck up my money situation.

So, once school starts, I'll be getting about $60/week. Or $120 every 2 weeks, to be more accurate. Of that, I'll probably give mom $50 and put $20 away in the bank, giving me $50 to spend. This should add up to $100/month for 9 months to mom, thus paying off my debt by the end of the year--

Of course, there will be other things costing me money, and mom might have to cover me, so this is just an ideal situation. I have to put heat/A/C in my car, I might have to get my computer professionally fixed, and who knows what else will cost me money, so that could be where the other $50 and $20 go instead of to me.

Either way, a lot of changes are going to take place soon, but change is fluid. It doesn't come in chapters that can be closed so easily. Just new opportunities on a different given day. Gotta make the best out of them.

"Ease back, relax your mind..."

2011-01-10T16:52:00.002-05:00

There's just so--

Ha. Okay, lets start over. Breathe. Relax.

There is so much I have a right to be pissed about. The "situation", my car about to cost me another $200, being pestered throughout the day without hesitation by my mother, being forced to work now since I desperately need money. All these stressors in my lief have the potential to really get me hot and genuinely piss me off. But I can't let this happen to me. Even though the relief of one stressor is being hindered by other stressors, I have to try and lessen the stress.

I've got to reject this bad energy that comes from my life, because there is so much good out there that I can revel in.

Okay, my car is a piece of shit and is either going to cost me a lot of money, or is going to die, which will cost me even more money. This is a bad thing. To obtain the money, I'm going to have to work at L' shop for 8 hours tomorrow, Sunday, and probably many other days. This is a bad thing. Not so much that the actual working part is going to be a pain in the ass (and it IS), but more that I'm going to have to sacrifice the happiness I was feeling staying home and going wherever whenever I wanted.

But I've got to focus on the positive. Just break everything down to practicality and get the best out of the situation. When I get the estimate, I pick the days I work and the days I don't. It's a sacrifice to keep my car. Give some, get some. Life's shitting on me, but I have an escape. In a month, school starts back up, so I can live there (as my home), and meet people hopefully. But I'll still hang out with my crew in the hometown. Try and get the best of both worlds.

Jesus, I can't even write anymore. I'm just going to stop now, and pick up when I feel more coherent.

"I only keep the sunny hours"

2011-01-10T15:57:00.002-05:00

I am more content than I have been in a very, very long time. And it's because after so many years of feeling like the odd moan our, the third wheel, the spare tire, I finally feel a sense of belonging. I'm not on my own any longer. It's not Brian vs. the World, like it used to be.

I've found people that accept and respect the real me. Eric, Matt, Craig, Jackson, and Fat Mike truly understand me and accept me, and I accept them. It's like I don't have to put on a show for them. Back when I hung out with the Cliq, I never felt this fulfillment. Because Jason went with Alexis, Curtis went with Sharon, and Brendan went with Rebecca, leaving me the only guy without a chick there. Burns and Courtney always were peripheral with the cliq, and Crystal was with Dave and no one really gave two shits about me. They all had different agendas. They wouldn't think twice about talking behind each others' backs any chance they got, and as a result, everyone had to be two-faced and extra nice and phony to one another. The couples became virtually married, since it was obvious spending time with each other far outweighed spending time with "friends". Spending time with "friends" became a chore they had to schedule around the time they spend with each other. So I never really took them seriously as friends.

Curtis is the only real friend I got out of that group. Although, Sharon tries to make him into her husband by pulling him aside and talking shit about people behind their backs. And that's one thing keeping me from really getting close with him. Sharon. She keeps pulling him away every time he explores any kind of new territory. When I hang out with the two of them together, I find myself biting my lip so hard because I have to physically fight the urge to fucking yell at her and free my friend from her fucking grip. She has turned him from my best friend into a close acquaintance. Any time I stop by at his house, her car is there. If I ever try and make plans with him, he's usually not home because he's out with her. He took her to the lake for the full week instead of me.

But I didn't get mad. Instead, I found friends that won't be corrupted by chicks like that. Eric values our friendship well over that of him and Kelly. He'll drop plans with her to hang out with me. He'll tell me shit he won't tell her. He'll do things with his boys, fully knowing that it's going to piss Kelly off. And that sacrifice that he gives fully makes him a true friend of mine. And with Jackson, Fat Mike, Matt, and Craig, I finally have friends that go by that same rule. Cherish your long-term friendships before any heady chick-bullshit tries to disrupt it. So I return the favor. I stayed at Eric's instead of going to Heidi's party. I hung out with Eric on the weekends when I went home instead of seeing Heidi or Amy#2 or them. And the little things like that strengthened our bond and made us tight.

So, I finally feel relaxed and happy with my social life. My outlook: keep your friends close, and there is no pressure on finding a girl. You can easily find simple ass, but you have all the time in the world to have "relationships". I'm not ready to grow up that much yet.

The Power of Convenience

2011-01-10T15:52:00.002-05:00

Well, I guess it's not just convenience, but I'm kind of not looking forward to moving. It's mostly because I don't want to have to spend weeks and weeks packing my shit up while not even having a clue where I'm packing it to, but also, I kind of have grown somewhat attached to the hometown.

Sure, there's nothing to do here. And most of it is either wiggers or rednecks or white trash. And my street is kinda loud and trashy. But this is where I've grown up. This is what I know. This is my hometown. And when I leave it, a lot of shit will change. I won't be able to go to Eric's every day to just hang out. The Shop Rite will no longer be my store. I can't go into Quick Chek for a sub when I get hungry. I'll no longer share a town with Curtis, Eric, Mike, Craig, Alicia, and even Heidi, Amy#2, Christina. I won't be able to lay in the back yard pool and take the dog for a walk in the grass by the parking lot. Things will just be a lot different.

And I never considered all this stuff before it was a done deal. Now, the reality hits me. I'm gonna have new neighbors, new surroundings, and a new room in a new house. I'm not quite sure how far we're moving away, but I really hope it's not too far. Because something tells me I'm gonna be spending a lot of time here when I move away.

I don't know, though. I'm just gonna hope this falls through and I'm at school before anything happens.

NOW I'm Living...

2011-01-07T14:49:00.002-05:00

Okay, well it's the 7th of July and there's a couple things stirring.

My main concern is my friendship with Curtis. I left his house early because I promised I would spend time at Eric's to watch the fireworks and the parade and all. This is kind of a problem because I think he was expecting me to sleep over or at least stay until it got dark there.

But instead, I opted for Eric's. Why did I do it? Probably because the people at Eric's are just so much more real than Dave R., Courtney, Christian, and Paul. Curtis and Kyle to me are genuine, and aren't really looking to prove anything to anyone, so I get along great with them, but I really didn't want to hang out with those other guys. People like Eric, Matt, Fat Mike, and Craig are just so much more real to me. I feel more on their level and more like a part of them when I'm with them. Like I belong. Because I definitely felt like an outsider at Curtis' house.

Everyone there is richer than me, was more popular than me, and would have no problem with excluding me if they felt it would benefit them. Everyone except Curtis and Kyle, that is. So that's my reason for ditching my best friend for my other close friend.

I just don't want Curtis to feel like I like Eric better than him or something. It's not a competition. They're both my friends, and I would spend equal time with both of them if I could. So that's that. Another big deal is the fact that I'm going to North Carolina with Eric and Craig on Monday. This came out of nowhere. I was asked today (Saturday) and all of a sudden I have 2 days to get ready. We have no set place to eat or sleep and we're gonna drive at like 11 at night to probably 8 in the morning the next day. This really ought to be fun, since we're gonna be tired as hell once we arrive and won't be able to get in a bed right away, because we'll have to search for a run-down motel that has a vacant room. Oh, boy.

Plus that's $200 out of my very limited funds, meaning if I want to get a CD player or something, I'd better start working for L and start selling my life on eBay.

But I definitely want to do this. If I don't spend my money on this, what would I spend it on? no, this is definitely something I want to do. I want a chance to create some memories and take some pictures and enjoy some moments, no matter what the cost.

So that covers my life up to Wednesday. Which brings me to Thursday.--

--

Thursday, Raechel invited me to go to Philly to see BSF play. being the thick-headed, submissive, think-with-your-penis type of individual I am, I accepted. Now, I'm hoping for something to happen, if only to gain experience, but I'm not sure anything will. She invited me to sleep at her house afterwards, since we probably wouldn't be getting home till late, but I'm guessing it was only a courtesy thing, because she immediately said she has to get up early for work the next morning. Either way my plan is not to initiate a thing, and imply meet her, enjoy BSF, and go back to her house and plop on the couch. If she sits with me, or lays with me, or simply ignores me and heads to her room, I'm fine with it, because I'm going into it not expecting anything. I'll take everything at face value and not read into anything or give any signs myself. Disinterest is the game plan.

But how do I explain this to my mother? I really hate always having someone to answer to, I've gotta say. I mean, I appreciate that she worries about me, but this should be the ultimate compliment to her. She's raised me well enough where I can head to North Carolina and go to Philly with confidence. I no longer ask questions like what if I get hurt or what if I get mugged, etc, etc, because anything could happen at any time. Sure, I'm increasing the risk of it happening by living life like this, but sometimes that risk is worth the satisfaction that comes with it. So, I'll probably tell my mother that I'm staying an extra day in NC or that I'm gonna sleep at the house at college on Thursday or make up SOMETHING other than actually going to Philly. Not that I enjoy lying to my mother, but sometimes I have to in order to ease her worrying and protect her from sleepless nights. So, I guess that's what I'll do on Thursday.

But let me back up. Back up to tomorrow. Tomorrow, I also have a few solid options. First of all, Heidi's graduation party, where I promised I'd show up, is tomorrow. Now, I don't really have any desire to go, because a) me and Heidi haven't really hung out or even talked in the past month, b) Amy#2 and Christina will both be in Italy, c) Craig's probably not going, so I'll have no one to talk to, and d) I hate most of her friends. On the plus side, Walker and Mike Jones will probably show up, so that might be kinda fun to hang out with them. So that's one option. Also, Eric and Craig asked me to go to Eric's to play Goldeneye for a while. Now, this is always fun, just bsing with thems, so that's another solid option.

And then, I could ditch both of them and hang out with Curtis. I mean, I'll be spending Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday with Eric and Craig. And Heidi doesn't ever seem to mind ditching MY ass at her convenience, so I could easily ditch hers. But, then again, this just alienates more people. Trying to juggle groups of friends that aren't necessarily friends with one another is one of the hardest things to do. It kind of forces you to focus on a set group of people and ignore or cut out a lot of acquaintances and old friends. Josh B., Jeff, Smith, etc, are people I used to talk to that I VERY rarely talk to now. Because I can only focus on my left friends and right friends, and everyone else seems to get cut out of the picture--
--

No, I'd better stick with one of the 2 previously scheduled things, so as not to alienate more people than I need to. But I'll call Curtis and we'll set up a day to go to Great Adventure. Then all will be right.

Yeah, well I guess that's pretty much it for the week. Besides being coerced into working the cart with my mother next Saturday, and maybe going to Great Adventure next Sunday (just occurred to me), the week following will be a return to normalcy and hopefully between working to pay for my NC trip and a CD player/heater for my car and balancing time with friends, and my ongoing quest to just get laid, I can stop---and breathe...

Random ramblings

2011-01-07T14:42:00.002-05:00

Okay, I refuse to dramatize my life more than what it really is. Right now, life is pretty good. I'm pretty content with most shit going on.

But, there are complications. There are always complications that keep me from being able to just lay in the sun with my dog or just bullshit with my friends.

And, as usual, the main source of these complications is money. It's surprising how much bullshitting costs when you don't keep it reasonable. Last summer, I went through the 50 bucks I earned every week like it was nothing. A burger here, a movie there, some useless product I didn't need, and I was out of money until next week. I can't afford to do that this summer. For one, I don't have a job. i swore I was gonna get one, I thought maybe last summer was just me trying to live life as enjoyable as possible. But no, it turns out I really hate commitment to anything. I don't like guaranteeing plans with anybody. I don't like restricting myself to one person, and I don't like having to be at a certain place at a certain time.

Spontaneity? Yeah, I'm fine with that. I'm not doing anything NOW, so let's do something. Who knows what I'll be doing later on? I don't want to commit myself to any certain place at any certain time. And that is the sole reason I HATE jobs. Why should I spend my time putting kids on rides for the majority of my summer, my free time? Why should I put up food in a grocery store I don't care about or take orders from people I don't even know in an attempt to get money?

I can find alternatives. I'll sell shit on eBay. I'll work at the shop on random do-nothing days. I'll dog-sit for the neighbors' friends. Just going freelance while I still can so as to keep my time just that--MY time.

It doesn't matter how I spend my time. If I want to enjoy the day and walk my dog or swim in the pool or bs with my friends, then it's my choice. Because it's my time.

Of course, on the other hand, I could be making a lot more money to pay off my debt, buy DVDs, or save in the bank this summer, but this is my decision. The rent will be paid for the summer. The debt still hangs over my head, but I can tide mom over by just giving her a little at a time.

Well, this was a really shitty entry, because I just ranted constantly. So, I'll end it now, because I have nothing left to say on the subject.

Woulda been huge a year ago...

2011-01-07T13:52:00.003-05:00

So I'm hearing rumors that Alicia and Dan broke up. Sandi saw him making out with another chick and Eric says he sees Dan by himself all the time at Shop Rite. So, what does all this mean to me?

I'm not really sure.

Of course, last year, I would have gone nuts with excitement, confusion, and strategy to try and get with her, but a year later, I hesitate to call.

Maybe it's because I saw too much of her over the course of the year and slowly grew disinterested. Maybe it's because I'm not really big into the punk rock lifestyle anymore, and that was the reason she was so high on my infatuation gauge before. Or maybe I started to become embarrassed around her, which was epitomized when she wore the colonial dress to lunch. It also could be the "wan what I can't have" mentality that seems to be the story of my life so far.

But despite the reason behind it, I still do kind of miss her. I mean, my feelings for her have faded a LOT, but I still appreciate her natural beauty which doesn't need make-up, her open and genuine personality, and her giving nature. These were the things that drew me to her and made me mildly obsessed with her. All of senior year, my infatuation turned me into a bumbling idiot, and kept me from being interested in any other girls. She consumed my thoughts and was at the center of my life for those months. And the fact that she was taken and in a very long term relationship only left me frustrated with life and jaded on girls.

But oh, how I've grown. Despite the fact that I now have a chance with her, and should probably seize that opportunity toot-sweet, I won't. Actually, let me rephrase that. I'm going to call her next opportunity and just talk to talk. If she mentions her and Dan's break-up (if it actually happened in the first place), be sympathetic to her and show disappointment. But I can't let myself fall like a brick again. I don't want to get hurt anymore. Because I had so much pent up frustration that I was beginning to feel very bitter and alone. And that's a terrible feeling.

I want to instead continue feeling love and live my life the way I want. I'm bound to get hurt at times, I'll accept that fact, but I won't let it consume my every aspect of life the way it did a year ago.

I mean, I have a lot of loosely defined, barely stronger than hanging-from-a-thread relationships right now with the opposite sex. Heidi's a friend, or maybe even an acquaintance, right now. She's got a guy she doesn't even like and another she wants to be with. Yet, she still shows an effort to want to see me or talk to me once in a while. Christina's busy trying to live up her summer, which I guess means not really being comfortable with any set group of friends, but going out and always meeting new people. She also is still very closely attached to her ex-boyfriend, which is understandable. I think she's where I was a year ago, trying to hang out with as many people and do as many things as possible in the summer before college. But I think she'll soon be where I am now, seeking comfort to achieve satisfaction instead of always being on the move. Quantity isn't any substitute for quality, especially with friends and relationships. I'll definitely take 1 night hanging with Eric, Matt, Craig, and Jackson over a week of Courtneys, Murphy's and random parties. Sure, it may sound a lot less exciting, but it makes me happy, and that's all I really care about.

Also, I think I've got Afton on my jock, so maybe I'll hang out with her after I'm done working.

But back to my point. Alicia, as much of a goddess I once saw her as, is simply another option for me now. If I choose to pursue something, I won't go in with all my heart, because that's when I get hurt. I'm jut going to befriend her once again, and if anything seems to happen, I'll just ake it slowly as it comes.

No fuss, no muss.

"Contemporize, man"

2011-01-07T13:42:00.002-05:00

Well, I just talked to Raechel for about an hour on IM. I'm not really feeling much, though, because the internet kind of bastardizes conversation. All the shivering, butterflies, and nervousness go out the window. There's no body language or any gauge to tell how the other person is really feeling or what they're really thinking. These things speak louder than the actual words that come out of someone's mouth. That's just the final version of what they're "saying". The censored, carefully considered version. The cool thing about face-to-face personal conversation is that you can watch the whole process and make your own interpretation of what you're really saying to one another.

That is all lost on the internet. And that's what makes it so easy to talk to strangers, people you are intimidated by, and people you feel awkward around. Because conversation is always the same. It always takes place in that little box, it always goes on in order of "you talk, then I talk", and it usually ends with someone saying "I gotta go" and leaving just like that.

Raechel and I just had the best conversation we've ever had, because of that one reason: no sexual tension. In all of our face to face conversations, one of us was always hoping to get with the other, which led to empty conversation and physically getting progressively closer. It was her pushing the agenda in the beginning, but eventually I was the one begging for it, I'll admit it. But without any chance of this happening, we could actually just talk to talk. And I realized that we are very clickable when that happens.

But I guess I'm exaggerating a little bit. There's still some room for interpretation when talking on the internet. And there's still a modicum of sexual tension between us even when speaking 45 minutes away over the internet. And again, I was probably the instigator. But that whole "would you let me save you?" thing seemed to be a disguised attempt. Who knows, though.

Alls I know is that I'm glad to have talked to her again. And whatever that may mean, that I like her again, taht I want to go back and have stringless hook-ups again, or that I'm just lonely and looking for someone to talk to--all I know is that I don't regret it and I'm looking forward to talking to her again.

Yeah, I'm fucking crazy and like to live in my past. The end.

"Living with Louie Dog's the only way to stay sane"

2011-01-07T12:18:00.002-05:00

I've just thought of something that should really help me out. I've got to stop competing. Because it just occurred to me that that is where all my stress comes from. Competition to have a better life than everyone else I know. I can't treat life like this anymore. And I've begun to let go a little more regarding competition without even realizing it.

My head's just kinda jumbled though. I'm thinking that I haven't hung out with Eric in a while. And I felt like he's kinda winning, because he still has his brother, Craig, Kelly, and Jackson to hang out with while I have fucking Courtney. But I can't think of it like that anymore. I'm also thinking about how this Pip kid is hanging out with Heidi and Amy#2 more than I am, which makes it seem as if he's winning compared to the time I spend with them. But I can't look at it that way. I'm also thinking about how Craig has Heidi and I think Christina wet over him and how I'm sort of a lesser man in their eyes. But I CAN'T LOOK AT IT LIKE THAT.

No, I can't view this as a competition with everyone else, because it turns them into my enemies. And if they're my enemies, then where do I find friends? No one is intentionally disregarding me or shutting me out of their lives. No one is purposefully forgetting about me either, because there are still a lot of people I talk to. I think if I show love, it will come back to me.

If Eric has a good time without you, don't feel resentment, instead be happy that one of your friends was happy for a little while. If Craig bags Christina, don't get jealous, just congratulate him and start looking elsewhere. When Melody and Matt get back together, be happy that your close friend Melody is happy again. This is not a life of convenience. You can't expect to take happiness from others and not feel the Karma come back at you. It's not a contest. There's plenty of happiness in anything you do, but you have to have the right mindset for it.

This thought process has totally got me believing in Karma. Whether it's God's will, or it's just how human's action-response system works, I am really starting to feel it. When I dish out bitter hate, I get it right back at me. But when I show genuine love, I feel it inside me as much as I express it outside of me. To borrow a BEP quote--"this is cause and effect, the domino effect, the what-goes-up-must-come-down effect".

So basically, I just have to show love and genuinely feel for others. I want to wish for the happiness of others and hopefully I get it in return.

To close with a quote from

"let the lovin' oh let the lovin' come back to me"

Borderlines

2011-01-07T12:03:00.003-05:00

I don't even know what to think anymore. As far as I'm concerned, Amy#2 was date raped even though there was no penetration. He used physical force to give her head then used more physical force for her to return the favor. Now, in my heart, I want to be there for her to help her through this. But I also feel for Craig, who won't be able to begin to understand her side of the story, because he'll take that as a sign of weakness. To him, it's cut and dry. She wouldn't blow him but she would blow wigger Anthony while the two of them still had a thing going on, so he's gotta drop her to save face.

I just went through so many thoughts while writing that last sentence and they all pretty much emptied without me writing about them.

As usual, being the selfish fuck that I am, I only think how this affects me. Being friends with both Amy#2 and Craig, it seems like I'm gonna have to choose between going with my gut instinct and fully 100% forgiving Amy#2 or sticking with Craig and saying "fuck her", which would kill my conscience and lose a pretty good friendship with her. Now, of course, is when Amy#2 starts talking to me again, though. As I said earlier, she has a one-dick limit, and I guess she was reset back to zero. So she IMs me when I'm online now and she actually initiates conversation instead of only being online to "wait for Craig" and giving me one-word responses. But despite my personal qualms about how she handles friendships and relationships, I guess this isn't really a good time or a good situation to teach her a lesson. I know in my heart that the right thing to do here is to understand her feelings, because to me, she was borderline raped and that's a touchy subject that takes a lot of balls to address.

This might, however, fuck a lot of shit up between me and Craig, or Eric, or Jackson, or any of them. Even Heidi and Christina will probably take his side because they both want to fuck him. And I'm not doing this to oppose Craig. I think he's been put through a lot of shit too, and he has every right to be pissed off and he has a very good reason never to want to talk to Amy#2 again. Not just because she did all that shit with that kid, but because she left with him in the first place. The fact that she didn't even fucking speak to Craig the whole night is reason enough for him to be heated. This whole blowjob thing, while fuzzy and not loko at the same way by everyone, just gave him a final reason to end it. Plus, now Heidi and Christina are on his jock, probalby because they feel sorry for him and want to help him through it. And Craig's only a man. I'm sure he'll take what he can get and I can't blame him one bit for that.

So, basically, I don't want o be forced to choose. I just want to stay out of the picture and let them handle it the way they're gonna handle it and I don't want them asking my opinion. Because if it does come up, I'm not going to be able to lie about it. I'll tell whoever asks that neither of them are wrong. Craig's justified in being pissed off, Amy#2 is justified in that she was frightened and violated, and Heidi and Christina are justified in being wet over Craig. In the end, I can't hate any of them, and I can't be frustrated by any of them. They're all just living their lives, looking for satisfaction when they can get it. Just like me.

But FUCK Anthony, that little cocksucking date rapist. He'll get his.

Some people I just feel sorry for

2011-01-07T11:38:00.002-05:00

I went down to the hotel Heidi and Christina are renting out today with Craig, and I realized something. It must suck to be beautiful.

I mean, of course it has its benefits. In fact the benefits probably far outnumber the hindrances, but what I witnessed there kind of opened my eyes. Heidi and Christina don't really have all that many friends. I mean, real friends. All the guys (including me and Craig) that were there were only there because Heidi and Christina are hot. I try to feel as though I'm truly interested in what they've got to say and how they feel, but the whole time I'm only trying to act how they want me to act, and react the way that would best get me on better terms with them. In short, I'm not really being real with them. And I just realized that that's how everyone there was acting. Just bullshit posturing to get in their pants.

And that's why this Anthony kid and kids like him, piss me off so much. After orally date raping Amy#2, he goes ahead and fucks Christina. Wow. Two thirds of the private school chicks I used to sweat, who were cold as ice a short year ago, this kid pops then drops.

But back to the point. No matter how interesting a beautiful person is, the reactions coming back to them aren't going to be genuine because they simply want to offer up this palatable pre-chewed response and hope the bullshit they give seems real. So as a result, people like Heidi have no real genuine friends. All the guys were gunning for her and all the girls were either there with boyfriends or to meet guys.

On another topic, me and Craig are getting a lot closer. He's really chill, which is a nice change of pace from a lot of the people I deal with daily. It's cool because he can talk about anything and we can just offer up our very limited experience on whatever we're talking about. Him and Eric are about the only two people I'm friends with that can do that with me. I mean, I love Curtis and all, but he isn't always saying what he thinks. Instead, he only says what he thinks he should say. Courtney really annoys the shit out of me. He talks such bullshit that he's got it down to an art form.

[I should really get some sleep, though. I'll pick up on this later]--

Of Confused Times When Wishes Are Granted Yet Satisfaction is Not Achieved

2011-01-07T10:48:00.002-05:00

It's funny how a stupid mistake from a girl I am loosely connected with can have such an impact on my life. The private school situation is in a shambles. I really don't think I should pursue anything with Christina now because of the whole Amy#2 cheating on Craig thing. I'm still kind of in disbelief and don't know exactly what to think of that. Was she raped? I don't think so. I think she was just manipulated and used. She said that she wanted to stop, but she didn't, because she was probably scared. It's just sad that her next step of a relationship (sexually) had to come in a situation like that.

So it's completely over now between Craig and Amy#2. And me and Craig are starting to become good friends in the aftermath. On account of this, I don't think it would be right to be affiliated with Amy#2 in any way. So, my plans to try to get with Christina are subsequently dropped then, because I would end up seeing a lot more of Amy#2, and I wouldn't know how to act. I honestly can sort of understand her position. She wanted someone to love her and she thought Craig wasn't affectionate enough, so this Anthony kid steps in and pours his heart out to her. I wonder if Amy#2 realizes it was all bullshit to get her to chug his dick? That's about as low as you can get right there. Giving false emotion like that, saying you "love" someone just to get a blowjob is on the borderline of date rape, especially if the next day you go out looking for chicks.

So Amy#2 was kind of manipulated, but in the end, it still was her decision, and to me, that's selfish. Of course she regrets it, but that doesn't make up for anything. Some people can't appreciate what they have, so they go and fuck it up because they want more. They want it all. But people have to realize that you can't have it all. Try to genuinely appreciate what you have, because you might not always have that privilege.

But still, in the back of my head, I want to pursue something with Christina. Then a thought pops into my head that says I have no shot with her anyways. Then I think "I can get her, I just have to be me". And then it comes full circle and I say to myself that I shouldn't even try in the first place. I don't know. I'm just lonely. I'm a lonely guy just looking for a little excitement and some love. I try not to be so jaded, following Noel's example...and it truly helps.

I just have to live like that. Free and easy. Like a tantric dream. I control my destiny, but I can't let it interfere with my euphoria. Decisions like these don't change anything. I don't live a "sliding doors" type life, where a decision I make makes my life better or worse. Instead it just changes things. I have moments in my life where it's hard and moments where it's great. I just have to let my spirit strengthen with each passing moment and try to love. I was such an angry kid, and I guess I still am. It is tough living in this house, but I have to learn to deal with it.

Tomorrow is my catch-up day. I want to call Grace, Ronnie, Melody, and anyone else I feel like talking to and share myself with them.

Okay, I'm done. This didn't really go anywhere, but I'll continue to write nonsense at 2:30 AM because I feel that little flame in me start to burn.

"And it isn't really showing any sign of slowing"

2011-01-07T10:18:00.002-05:00

Well, it's part II of my hectic-as-fuck slash boring-as-fuck life. I don't even know where to begin. Let's see, tomorrow I have off and everyone else (except L) is working, so I'll be able to breathe for a little while. I was also invited to go down to the hotel at Seaside that's being rented out by Heidi and Christina. I also made plans to hang out with Curtis tomorrow after 5. I also work the next morning at 9 at the Kids Amusement Park, who just happen to be Nazis about hours. So this is the dilemma right now. Do I go to Seaside tomorrow night or not? There's a lot of factors going into this seemingly insignificant decision.

Lets say I go. First of all, I'll either have to rush the time spent with Curtis or invite him up with me, both of which would not work out well at all. I can't just ignore him like I kinda did on Friday, because that would make me an asshole, and I don't like assholes. So, my first rule is to not rush hanging out, just play it by ear. Now, if I'm done hanging out at a reasonable time, then I have to make the choice whether to go down to the hotel or not. The main problem here is driving by myself late at night to the beach, which would be hell on mom. I won't lie to her, I'll just tell her that they invited me down there and I wanted to hang with Curtis first.

Oh, man, so much goes into this that it's hard to stay focused. Whenever I feel like going in depth about one thing, all the other things clog my thought process, leading to choppy thinking and choppy writing.

Breaking it down, there are several factors: my plans with Curtis, my commitment to my job, my mom and sister being against me having a life, trying to further my relationship with Christina, trying to live out my youth at every opportunity, not wanting to get sick again, not wanting to drive by myself to the shore late at night, wanting to break routine, etc, etc.

It goes deeper than simply wanting to go or not. There are so many factors which bring up a lot of pressing issues in my life at this point. I want to have some type of relationship with a girl right now. It's not just "I'm horny", but I feel a real desire to get closer to Christina. And I'm playing the game pretty well. I got her to call my house back today, which is pretty efficient. But anyways, going down there would be the perfect opportunity to further our relationship.

This is such a shitty entry, though, because the past hour or so was fucking hectic. I talked to Curtis, Craig, Amy#2, Christina, the rowers all at the same time. And it was all half-assed and rushed because I was in like 20 different conversations. Not to mention the sister constantly walking in asking to check her email while I'm trying to keep up with everybody. My head is spinning trying to figure out where I stand and what I should do from here.

So back to the situation, I already established that I will hang out with Curtis for as long as he wants. If it means hanging out until midnight then so be it. For structure's sake, I'll say that if we hang out until anytime after 10 PM, then the shore is off indefinitely. Before that, though, and I'll have to weigh other options. The sister works the next day, so she does not factor in. Mom will be against it for a few reasons. She needs me to work to pay off my debt to her, she doesn't like me driving late at night or by myself, she doesn't know the people that are staying there, and she doesn't like the idea of me being at a party in the first place. So by going I will anger her, scare her, and disappoint her in one fell swoop. Man, that makes it very difficult to go.

As far as work is concerned, I could easily call out from a cell phone or something in the morning, so that pretty much doesn't affect me as much as I thought it would.

So I guess it comes down to practicality vs. desire. It is much more practical to just stay put, hang out in the hometown, and envy everyone having a good time there than it is to go there, defy everyone back home, and enjoy myself while others worry, get pissed, or get disappointed. Dammit, why do I have so many connections? I am truly a creature of my surroundings. And there's so much on my plate, I can't even pick at all of it. I tried that tonight, and it turned me into a wreck and fucked up my smooth thinking that blends intellect and humor and introversion into half decent writing. Instead I'm just blabbering about stupid shit that doesn't even really have a huge impact on my life, but affects everything a little bit, I mean EVERYTHING, so it beings up so much crap that I don't know where to begin. So, I guess my final answer is that I'll stay home and maybe go during the day or something.

I don't know. This entry sucked. Everything's spinning. I'll figure this out tomorrow.

META POST: Ordo Abchao (Order Out of Chaos)

2011-01-07T09:38:00.005-05:00

Above link: Ras Kass' song of the same name as the title of this post

Hi EHSD fans,

To this point, the chronology of this blog has been fairly easy to follow, since all of my old notebooks/journals/diaries were pretty much kept in order. Every post here tagged Volume 1 was from the first book I used (a fat, little notebook like this), and coincidentally that book filled up just as I was graduating high school.

(Volume 1.5 was some of the loose-leaf entries I would write when I didn't have access to my notebook but needed to get something down)

Volume 2 was from my second notebook, and roughly covers everything from high school graduation through the summer before freshman year of college. (Volume 2.5 is similar to 1.5, but for this era)

Volume 3 was all of the scraps of looseleaf writings that I scribbled together during my freshman year of college. These were fairly organized because I kept them in a folder.

And Volume 4 took place after freshman year, but before my sophomore year of college. I used a red spiral-bound notebook again, and things were once again organized.

After that, things start getting a little more complex. I recently unloaded several notebooks and folders of writings that I was keeping in a box in my trunk out of fear that someone would find them and attribute them to me. Considering only half of these writings have dates on them, I'm going to do my best to keep them in the closest order possible, but since I don't read these entries in full until I transcribe them for this here blog, the order might not be entirely precise.

I'm working on an ordering system for these, and I'll probably re-organize them once they've all been transcribed, and possibly start a whole new blog in which I dole them out one day at a time instead of dumping them all out like this, but for now--courage.

Thanks for your continued interest in my life from a decade ago. Your feedback is invaluable to me. Always feel free to shoot me an email at embarrassinghighschooldiary@gmail.com

-EHSD

This is what it's like when worlds collide

2011-01-06T16:24:00.002-05:00

Well, my family life, my right-handed social life (Curtis, Courtney, high school crew), and my left-handed social life are on a nearly inevitable course toward one another. My left-handed social life consists of Eric, Mike, Heidi, Jackson, Craig, etc--or the Shop Rite crew. I thought I was going to be going camping this friday with the leftys but now it turns out Eric's staying home and probably with Craig because they both have to work Saturday morning. So instead, Mike invites me to Kelly's parents or grandparents summer home in Shawnee for Friday to hang with him, Kelly, and Jackson and Ashley. So, I'm all for that.

Then, my cousin has a birthday party at 5pm on Saturday, so I've got to stay a couple hours for that. With this all planned, Curtis calls me from Courtney's house and invites me over for Drunk Survivor II on Saturday with about 16 people or so participating, although I doubt we'll get that many participants.

So, in a few short hours, my weekend is set and I'm ready to start. So why do I still feel so lonely? Maybe it's a lack of female companionship. I can't bring Christina to my family for obvious reasons. I can't take her to a righty party because it's embarrassing lpus I don't think she'd enjoy herself. And I can't take her to a lefty party because Kelly hates her and it's Kelly's house, so that wouldn't be right. So, I'll have to wait. Either way, I should really just call her to show I do have interest. Even if only to talk.

My main fear is that I won't ever get a chance to get to know her better because I'll hesitate and she'll get a boyfriend or something. But if I seem too anxious to hang out or whatever, I might scare her away. Fortunately, we have a pretty healthy relationship with one another and can just talk, so hopefully if I call her, random chit-chat bullshit can turn into making plans for meeting up and hanging out. She was always my consolation for when other girls didn't show interest or pissed me off. Now she's the focus. Either way, I'll still have my friends.

There's something I've picked up over the last couple months. Making friends, or getting girls interested, relies on not putting too much pressure on the other person. This is mistaken as girls only liking "assholes" because assholes really don't care what the girl thinks of them and the girl spends all her time dealing with that. But it's not only assholes. Obviously, decent people are getting girlfriends. In fact, assholes lose their long-term chances because it's more complicated than simply not caring.

It's all about pressure. As I said, assholes put no pressure on a girl in regard to how her decision will make him feel, so she can go ahead and do stuff with him fully knowing that she can back out at any time and he won't be affected (this may not necessarily be true, but it's what the girl thinks). This is why assholes get a LOT of play, but aren't as good at holding long-term relationships.

The big part of it all is confidence. Not only confidence that the girl will agree to go out with you, but confidence in yourself in general. You can't make it seem as though her decision will make or break you. You can't make it seem as though she'll be doing you a favor by going out with you. On the contrary, she should feel somewhat grateful you're taking her out. And that's not a sexist remark. The same could be said going the other way, but since I'm focusing on a guy liking a girl, that's what I'm going to stick to.

So, in the end, it's all about making it seem like something she would want to do not to satisfy you, but out of her own accord. A pity date is worthless. If it seems like she's starting to do it because she feels sorry for you, you're better off staying home and cancelling plans. This'll show that you have a life outside of her and can enjoy yourself without her, which will make her more apt to go on a quality date with you.

It sounds like this is a fear tactic, like you're making her jealous or playing hard to get. But it's not. These tactics are simply misplaced attempts to show they have a life away from her and take the burden of being a source of either bliss or misery away from her. They are ways of taking the pressure off, but with all this other stuff that hurts things. No matter what, always show that you enjoy yourself with her (only if this is true!) but that you don't NEED her. Not yet anyways.

In short, you don't love them hoes. It's blunt, but it's honest. How can someone say "I love you" without really knowing the person. Can you fall in love with a face and a body? No. Can you fall in love with another human being? With a sense of humor and depth and emotion and companionship? Hells yeah. So it's not until you've been in a relationship long enough to really know the other person, and their motives for their actions and everything that goes into them that you can truly mean it when you say "I love you"

There. A healthy look on relationships. I could have used this advice last year BADLY.

Hard work good, and hard work fine, but first take care of head

2011-01-06T16:13:00.002-05:00

Sure, that lyric refers to smoking weed, but it applies nonetheless. Just enjoy yourself. I'm not going to say "enjoy life", because that's treating "life" like it's a theme part ride you can just get on or off whenever you feel like it.

You can't treat it like it's something you just voluntarily jump on and can exit whenever, but to just smile and enjoy it for now. No, I've experienced my own bouts of depression, my own inadequacies, lost friends, tried to define myself with stereotyped cliques, and did things I didn't even enjoy so I could feel wanted, and alienated myself voluntarily because of my stupid stubbornness.

And I don't regret any of it.

I don't regret being so clingy with Heidi, because I won't make that mistake now with someone I actually enjoy spending time with. I don't wish to take back Hell Rut back in senior year, because my current state of satisfaction and happiness is that much better after having gone through that shit. I don't regret being a pussy and succumbing to the bosses at Shop Rite because that won't happen again. This is shit that can't be taught. I just have to find myself through experience, which seems to be working bettr. I still feel I have al ong way to go even though I've come so far.

But right now--as of this moment, anyway--I'm happy. I'm content. And I'm comfortable. And whoever gave me the idea that constantly being out there and not quite being totally at peace is the way to become happy is a bullshit artist. I'm happy when I'm comfortable and relaxed. When I've "taken care of head". Then, from this position, I feel more confident in life. And I do things that would have filled me with vomiting butterflies not too long ago with complete ease and confidence.

Like getting Christina's number today. I happened to bump into her and I took advantage. And while I still think a lot about her, she's not the ONLY thing on my mind, as Alicia, Mary, or (even further back) Rebecca was. I remember working and just feeling so disturbed and disgusted with life because they weren't as big a part of my life as I had hoped for. I was so desperate to always be doing something with somebody not just because I felt lonely and wanted companionship, but because that's what I thought I "should" be doing. I didn't allow myself to be comfortable in my life.

No, instead I had to get into adventures so I could have stories for myself to amuse me and others. And I see this trend in a lot of bored white middle class kids. Instead of being comfortable with one another, they have pissing contests over who can lead the craziest life. Who does more drugs, who fucks more people, who's been arrested more times, etc, etc...

But these adventures are phony because they're not genuine. No one ever gets in any serious problems because of the situation they are in. They bring these problems on themselves. Look at a poor or lower or working class kid and see how he or she lives life. now, I don't know exactly where I'm going with all this, because these are just random thoughts coming into my head, but I'm just trying to point out the difference between someone who can afford to screw around in life and get away with it, and someone who is one screw-up from fucking life up and making it a lot harder on themselves. How this came about from me being happy and content is beyond me, but I thought it, so it's gotta have some relevance to me.

I think I'm in over my head

2011-01-06T16:08:00.002-05:00

Like most problems, at the root of a lot of my stress is money. Right now, I have to get $372.15 for rent, get my heater/radio installed, pay back the debt I already owe my mother for the JMB, which is about $900, and still have enough so I can have a social life.

I'm going to go camping on Friday, so that'll cost me at LEAST $20, if I have to pay for the site and "supplies" to Jackson. But this is something I'm really looking forward to , and is worth the money without a doubt. Me, Craig, Eric, Jackson, and Fat Mike sharing one tent. It should be fun.

A big problem is the rent $, though, because Josh and Ian haven't even sent it yet and it has to be activated by May 31st, which doesn't seem like a very good possibility right now. I have a total of 3 checks in my account as of right now, which is 5 short of my goal. I guess since I'm the one dealing with the money then it's my problem, right? I guess I'm just going to have to give the landlord 3 or 4 checks and cash or Ian's money order when I meet with him. Also, I have to wait for Curtis to get back from Florida in order to set up this meeting because I'm not sure when he's available. Also, Courtney didn't give me his money yet, so I think I might just have to do his separately, too.

The landlord is just going to have to deal with a bunch of checks.--

Time is the master and the master is time

2011-01-06T14:24:00.002-05:00

Well, it's been a while. I can't remember the last time I really had the freedom to just sit in my bed and map out my thoughts. So much... well, so very little has changed even though so much has happened.

I never really got exceptionally deep in any writings over the school year, possibly because I didn't really have the time or motivation. A couple things really stand out both from my writings and from my own memories. Sharon annoying the piss out of me. Becoming great friends with Ronnie and Melody. Trying to figure out my place among everyone in the dorm and in the school. The Usual.

Not much has changed at all. It's funny, before college I had such a different view of where I would be. The experience itself was pretty much as expected--new friends, sexual experience, alcohol, lots of work--but how it would affect me is where I was off. Throughout high school, my mantra was "I don't need anyone". I made it clear to myself inside and out. I tried not to let any situation with anyone hurt me too much, because I could always say "I don't need them" "I'm my own man" blah, blah...

But who the fuck was I fooling? If I made one mistake, that was it. Remaining isolated, alone, autonomous, out of my own free will. Sure, I had a good reason to stay away from a lot of people (Josh F. comes to mind, and Brett), but I associated their friends with them and since they were so popular, I didn't have many other options. I kept that same mindset with the crew guys when I first started college. And that's sad, because had I not lived with them for the year, I would have never discovered how cool a lot of them could end up being.

So what I've learned from that is not to judge (mostly male) people before you get any background on them or try hanging out with them for a least a little while. I could say this about Raphael and Pip. I never met them, but already I resent them because they're friends with Heidi and she talks about them more than she does me. So, I've changed in that regard.

What I'm most surprised about though, is that I haven't changed in the whole chick dept. I still think about Christina, Heidi, and Amy#2 on a daily basis, although their internet diaries probably have a LOT to do with it. With Heidi, I really don't know what to think. Apparently she's "in love" with Raphael, and far be it from me to stop that. Plus she still gets my vote for whitest girl in the world, as well as Girl Most Likely Never to Get Out of the Late 80's. When we talk on the phone, she's usually doing something else distracting her from the conversation. When we're in person, I feel very physically attracted to her, but that's about where it ends. She's really immature...like REALLY immature about stuff, and we don't really click the way I would like to click with a girl.

Amy#2 seems to have lost all interest in me, as a friend or otherwise, mostly because she already has Craig to talk to. I guess only one person with a dick is allowed to have any part of her life, so I kind of break the one-dick limit. Now, I do regret telling Eric what she said at Heidi's and I truly meant my apology, so that should be behind us. But a bitch like her, she seems to only talk to a guy if 1- she likes him or 2-she can bitch about the guy she likes. I should have figured that out a looong time ago whenever we used to go to the break room and talk about (aaah) Tim.

Finally, we have Christina, who is a fucking enigma. Seriously. Who knows what this chick thinks? Not me, for damn sure. I mean, she's attempted suicide, chain smokes, cheats on guys (or girls, I guess), and seems to attract scumbags, and is a cutter. Yet, I'm VERY MUCH attracted to her. Maybe it's because she's (surprisingly) the most sane, level-headed, mature one of the bunch. How can I say that? I really don't know. I think that I say it because despite her personal problems (of which she has many), she doesn't bitch and whine, and expect everyone to cater to her every need, like Heidi and Amy#2 to. Jesus, Heidi and Amy#2 seem like cartoon characters, like a fucking comedy team when compared to Christina. And I'm aware of the irony of me bitching about them bitching. It's not lost on me. But, I think there's a distinction between our bitching. I haven't quite pin-pointed it, but I know it's there. Maybe its' because they don't have a LONG-TERM problem like I do? I hate to use that to make myself a tragic figure in everything I do, but it does have a profound effect on me, so I think it's justified in most cases.

ANYway, back to Christina, she has become the girl I really am most interested in, not only out of the private school chicks, but in my life right now. It might simply be that she's superficially hot as hell, but I like to think it runs deeper than that. I thought Raechel was hot, but I put an end to our thing pretty quickly. That, however, is a whole other rant. No, I think I'm truly interested in Christina, and not just her ass, although that's all I'll tell Eric and Craig if they ask, because despite what HAS changed about me, I still think VERY differently than them...

It's kinda funny, though how I thought I would have this whole new life away from everybody at Shop Rite and high school and the hometown. I mean, I DO, with the whole crew crew and 45 and all, but in the end, I didn't MOVE ON from the others, I simply added more to my plate. I simply gained more experience. It wasn't something that pulled me from those at home, it simly added to it. In the end, I'm still pining over the private school chicks, still hanging out with Eric, still the same Brian I always was. And while my musical taste has changed (which used to pretty much define who I was) somewhat, and I no longer have feelings for Alicia or Mary or them, and I no longer strive to be part of the scene (no matter how much I denied it, I always deep down felt a need to be part of it), I still pretty much have the same general problems, I still sit alone and think, I still feel like I'm the only person on Earth by himself at times, I still get bouts of depression when I'm listening to the same song over and over on my CD player in my dark room on a warm, sunny day, I still strive for change, I still get emotionally fucked over by my mother, everything that hurt me still hurts me, everything that made me smile makes me smile, I'm still Brian. I'll always be. No big changes in my life will ever change who I am. And that may be a great thing to know.