I'm really glad I went and wish I could have stayed longer. And I can only hope that I see Elsie again or even hang out w/ Alicia and Dan again. The only problem is that in a lot of their conversations, it became obvious that I was in over my head. I didn't and won't pretend to know a lot about certain things or even begin to show an interest because I don't have one.
Like the whole '80's metal thing or the "Can't Hardly Wait" thing, I didn't and won't. But I do know what I believe in and have a greater sense of me. It's just that I think a lot clearer and what I should have said well afterwards. Like in the SxE discussion. Here's my belief: (and Elsie hit it right on the head): ANYTHING, be it punk, sXe, religion, ANYTHING that has a set of rules which stifle your personal choices and are an exclusionary unit consisting of only people who follow those rules, with hierarchy and all, is not something I want any part of.
Only problem is I CAN write it, and I am truly passionate of it, but I can't get that deep inside myself in a light-hearted open situation. A social situatoin. I know what I know, but I just can't express it. But I could easily answer questions or even if it were brought out by some critiquing or antagonizing, express it.
So, maybe, if I can find the right means to do it, I will be able to express myself fully.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Well, school itself is over.
I completely bombed my calc final and had a really awkward talk with Alicia, since Smith was hanging out there. But that's done with.
I will never have to set food in that fucking school ever again. But, the tension in me remains. Now, Alicia's party is a sleep-over, I ugess, but I don't think I'll be accepted anyway. I'm not their typical "punk" they're used to. "Michael's gonna be there", great. A closed-minded punk towards anyone who doesn't fit his mold. But, you know what? I don't care anymore. They're not the do-all and end-all in my life anymore. I'm gonna go, say my peace, not gonna conform to them AT ALL, and if I'm not enjoying myself -- I'll leave. I've got a good excuse, my dad's here, I'm gonna spend time w/ him.
Plus, I have Curtis' and Eric's parties (well, Kathy's). I won't get to Alicia's until 6-6:30, most likely.
I'm not gonna get a piercing just to fit in with them. To hell w/ them if I'm not accepted. I don't give a fuck. It really doesn't matter anymore. I DO have more in my life. Which is good, because I don't have to think how to act. Or what to say. I'm me, and I'll lay myself bare. I've got nothing to hide about myself And if they do or don't like me, what the fuck's the difference, anyway?
I'll never see them again, so I'll just go and be me and be the only one who isn't part of their clique. And I really have no interest in it, either. I don't have much interest in anything that exclusionary anymore.
I've found that it's really not worth it, because even if one is accepted, he's never really himself, anyway. And I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO MYSELF ANYMORE. That's my vow for the summer and throughout next year, stop lying to yourself. Just like what you like and don't do what you don't want. It's that simple.
I will never have to set food in that fucking school ever again. But, the tension in me remains. Now, Alicia's party is a sleep-over, I ugess, but I don't think I'll be accepted anyway. I'm not their typical "punk" they're used to. "Michael's gonna be there", great. A closed-minded punk towards anyone who doesn't fit his mold. But, you know what? I don't care anymore. They're not the do-all and end-all in my life anymore. I'm gonna go, say my peace, not gonna conform to them AT ALL, and if I'm not enjoying myself -- I'll leave. I've got a good excuse, my dad's here, I'm gonna spend time w/ him.
Plus, I have Curtis' and Eric's parties (well, Kathy's). I won't get to Alicia's until 6-6:30, most likely.
I'm not gonna get a piercing just to fit in with them. To hell w/ them if I'm not accepted. I don't give a fuck. It really doesn't matter anymore. I DO have more in my life. Which is good, because I don't have to think how to act. Or what to say. I'm me, and I'll lay myself bare. I've got nothing to hide about myself And if they do or don't like me, what the fuck's the difference, anyway?
I'll never see them again, so I'll just go and be me and be the only one who isn't part of their clique. And I really have no interest in it, either. I don't have much interest in anything that exclusionary anymore.
I've found that it's really not worth it, because even if one is accepted, he's never really himself, anyway. And I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO MYSELF ANYMORE. That's my vow for the summer and throughout next year, stop lying to yourself. Just like what you like and don't do what you don't want. It's that simple.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Shit, it's 7:30 AM and I'm awake because my stomach kinda hurts and my mind is fucking racing
My hair is still bothering me. I'm gonna go to Wal-Mart today and buy bleach. After I bleach it, though, I'm almost 100% sure I'm gonna hate it. From now on, I have to ask to keep the bangs a little longer. Like last time.
Also, Alicia...never called yesterday (big surprise), but what if she calls today? What do I do? Just drop hanging out with Paul? If she calls first, I think I'm gonna do that. But she stood me up yesterday. I should be pissed off at her. But I can't be, I'm fucking in love with her.
Plus, Megan and Diana are still on my mind. I think Megan's actually serious about my going away present. I was just joking, but her and Diana seem pretty intent on it. Who knows? At times like this, when I've gone through a brief "dry spell", it doesn't seem too bad. But after, I know I'd regret it. But it does make for some good material, anyway.
Then there's the whole Heidi/Christina/Amy #2 situation. If I had a choice, right now I'd probably go with Amy#2, then Christina, then Heidi. But it seems to be the other way around. Heidi was "looking for me" at 5, then we talked for like 5-10 minutes, showed me her belly button ring, and Eric and her talk about this secretive "bet" they've got. It's gotta involve me somehow, since they won't tell me about it. I'm just REALLY nervous now, because I feel like I'm in over my head here. It can't be now, at least. I want to wait at least a week or two, get my calculus final over with, bleach my hair, graduate, go to the parties (and stay dry--I don't need anything affecting my judgment right now), relax and give me time to get bored, THEN start calling people and making plans.
Now, to try and figure out my plans for this hectic-as-fuck weekend. Ok, Friday morning, graduation practice. Then home for a little bit, where hopefully Dad will be home. Then graduation itself, and then home for a second and off to proj: Graduation. Get home at like 5, 6 AM and sleep for 6, 7 hours. Get up on Saturday and Straight to Curtis' for his party at 2. Stay for 2 hours and it's off to Alicia's or Kathy's house...
Maybe I'll go to Kathy's for an hour and then from 5:00-5:30 on, I'll stay at Alicia's. Damn, she's got a hold on me.
Oh yeah, before ALL THIS is tomorrow. Calculus final first (which I'll try and study for today in my spare time), then the awards ceremony in which I don't have any decent-fitting khakis. So, today, if Paul or Alicia calls, I'll ask if he/she wants to go to the mall and Wal-Mart, where I need some khakis, maybe a tie, and also a gift for mom. Thank god I have money. Not to mention father's day is on Sunday, so I'll have to buy dad a little something, too.
So today, in order-
1- Wait for a call
2- Go to Wal-Mart/Mall and buy bleach, khakis, a tie, and a gift for mom.
3- Hang out a little with them
4- Go home and bleach hair (and look at youself in the mirror and hate the fact that you bleached it)
5- Come home and try and study for calc. Until you feel too tired or know it all.
Then tomorrow-
1- Go to school, take final
2- Come home early (9:30), maybe call Eric or Josh and hang out for a little bit. ALSO GET PAYCHECK
3- Get dressed (w/ new shirt, possibly tie, and khakis) and off to awards ceremony. (first, give gift to mom)
Then, of course, the craziest day,
Friday -
1- Wake up for grad. practice and go
2- Hang out at home, hopefully Dad will be there
3- Go to graduation, hopefully it's outside
4- Come home for like 2 seconds, change, and go back to the school for proj: graduation
5- Try and relax, then, and come home 5, 6 in morning -- sleep for 6, 7 hours.
Leading into Saturday-
1- Head to Curtis' party at 2. If I'm up early enough, hang out w/ Dad
2- Go to Kathy's party at 4, stay for an hour and hope they understand
3- Go to Alicia's party at 5, 5:30ish. Stay for 2-3 hours. At that time either back to Curtis' party or home w/ sis and Dad. (beforehand, pick up a gift for Dad)
4- Get a good nights sleep, if you can
Next is Sunday-
1- Maybe give Dad his father's day gift and hang out for the morning
2- My party. Probably at 1 or 2 so I might have to call Crystal or Bryan or tell them I'll probably not be able to make it to theirs (it was bound to happen)
3- If theirs is running later, call Paul to go to Brian's with or head to Crystal's alone (or w/ Curtis or someone).
4- Try and get a good night's sleep
And finally Monday-
1- If no conflicting interests, go to Great Adventure and enjoy the day.
NOW, it mose likely will NOT work out this simply, since I have to take into account human feelings and interconnections w/ people, as well as weather and any other things that an fuck this up. This will DEFINITELY be the craziest weekend of my life. I don't need alcohol to make it any crazier, and I won't need anything else. This weekend is for me. And I'm gonna enjoy myself and make careful choices to try and keep myself from regretting doing (or not doing) something.
Also, Alicia...never called yesterday (big surprise), but what if she calls today? What do I do? Just drop hanging out with Paul? If she calls first, I think I'm gonna do that. But she stood me up yesterday. I should be pissed off at her. But I can't be, I'm fucking in love with her.
Plus, Megan and Diana are still on my mind. I think Megan's actually serious about my going away present. I was just joking, but her and Diana seem pretty intent on it. Who knows? At times like this, when I've gone through a brief "dry spell", it doesn't seem too bad. But after, I know I'd regret it. But it does make for some good material, anyway.
Then there's the whole Heidi/Christina/Amy #2 situation. If I had a choice, right now I'd probably go with Amy#2, then Christina, then Heidi. But it seems to be the other way around. Heidi was "looking for me" at 5, then we talked for like 5-10 minutes, showed me her belly button ring, and Eric and her talk about this secretive "bet" they've got. It's gotta involve me somehow, since they won't tell me about it. I'm just REALLY nervous now, because I feel like I'm in over my head here. It can't be now, at least. I want to wait at least a week or two, get my calculus final over with, bleach my hair, graduate, go to the parties (and stay dry--I don't need anything affecting my judgment right now), relax and give me time to get bored, THEN start calling people and making plans.
Now, to try and figure out my plans for this hectic-as-fuck weekend. Ok, Friday morning, graduation practice. Then home for a little bit, where hopefully Dad will be home. Then graduation itself, and then home for a second and off to proj: Graduation. Get home at like 5, 6 AM and sleep for 6, 7 hours. Get up on Saturday and Straight to Curtis' for his party at 2. Stay for 2 hours and it's off to Alicia's or Kathy's house...
Maybe I'll go to Kathy's for an hour and then from 5:00-5:30 on, I'll stay at Alicia's. Damn, she's got a hold on me.
Oh yeah, before ALL THIS is tomorrow. Calculus final first (which I'll try and study for today in my spare time), then the awards ceremony in which I don't have any decent-fitting khakis. So, today, if Paul or Alicia calls, I'll ask if he/she wants to go to the mall and Wal-Mart, where I need some khakis, maybe a tie, and also a gift for mom. Thank god I have money. Not to mention father's day is on Sunday, so I'll have to buy dad a little something, too.
So today, in order-
1- Wait for a call
2- Go to Wal-Mart/Mall and buy bleach, khakis, a tie, and a gift for mom.
3- Hang out a little with them
4- Go home and bleach hair (and look at youself in the mirror and hate the fact that you bleached it)
5- Come home and try and study for calc. Until you feel too tired or know it all.
Then tomorrow-
1- Go to school, take final
2- Come home early (9:30), maybe call Eric or Josh and hang out for a little bit. ALSO GET PAYCHECK
3- Get dressed (w/ new shirt, possibly tie, and khakis) and off to awards ceremony. (first, give gift to mom)
Then, of course, the craziest day,
Friday -
1- Wake up for grad. practice and go
2- Hang out at home, hopefully Dad will be there
3- Go to graduation, hopefully it's outside
4- Come home for like 2 seconds, change, and go back to the school for proj: graduation
5- Try and relax, then, and come home 5, 6 in morning -- sleep for 6, 7 hours.
Leading into Saturday-
1- Head to Curtis' party at 2. If I'm up early enough, hang out w/ Dad
2- Go to Kathy's party at 4, stay for an hour and hope they understand
3- Go to Alicia's party at 5, 5:30ish. Stay for 2-3 hours. At that time either back to Curtis' party or home w/ sis and Dad. (beforehand, pick up a gift for Dad)
4- Get a good nights sleep, if you can
Next is Sunday-
1- Maybe give Dad his father's day gift and hang out for the morning
2- My party. Probably at 1 or 2 so I might have to call Crystal or Bryan or tell them I'll probably not be able to make it to theirs (it was bound to happen)
3- If theirs is running later, call Paul to go to Brian's with or head to Crystal's alone (or w/ Curtis or someone).
4- Try and get a good night's sleep
And finally Monday-
1- If no conflicting interests, go to Great Adventure and enjoy the day.
NOW, it mose likely will NOT work out this simply, since I have to take into account human feelings and interconnections w/ people, as well as weather and any other things that an fuck this up. This will DEFINITELY be the craziest weekend of my life. I don't need alcohol to make it any crazier, and I won't need anything else. This weekend is for me. And I'm gonna enjoy myself and make careful choices to try and keep myself from regretting doing (or not doing) something.
Monday, April 6, 2009
On another topic, what the hell was with Diana and Megan tonight?
Ok, I guess they both want me, because they made it blatantly obvious with their "questions". They really are kinda immature, but I guess in a good way. She tells me she has a question for me and won't tell me until later. (this is Megan). So what the hell do I think? It turns out to be "do you smoke up?" or something like that. I tell her no, and she's disappointed, but accepts it. (fucking better)
Then, another one... "who do you think is sexier?" Well, obviously Diana is, but I'm not saying a word. Then, the last one... "if you had to pick, would you rather a girl be a virgin or one that has sex a lot?" Obviously I told her a virgin is better, and Diana tells Megan and Megan is again disappointed. I just hope that's a comparison of them and Diana's a virgin. Because God-knows Megan isn't.
Then, another one... "who do you think is sexier?" Well, obviously Diana is, but I'm not saying a word. Then, the last one... "if you had to pick, would you rather a girl be a virgin or one that has sex a lot?" Obviously I told her a virgin is better, and Diana tells Megan and Megan is again disappointed. I just hope that's a comparison of them and Diana's a virgin. Because God-knows Megan isn't.
Dammit, Eric almost made me fucking cry just now.
He had me looking back and thinking of all the good times we had together working there.
And I just realized that he turned into one of my best friends. I'm really choked up for the first time in a long time. Just him saying "don't forget me" and "I'm not gonna be able to see you anymore" and all that made me really look back on the past year and a half with him.
Going into Patricia's car with her alarm going off on Superbowl Sunday, shutting the doors off and watching customers run into them, locking ourselves into Dan S's car and not letting him in, making fun of countless people that have come and gone from working there, fucking w/ all the customer's heads, quoting quote after quote from Clerks, "fuck tha po-lice", hitting on every new chick to start there, him telling me about all his problems: his break-ups and make-ups with Kathy, his eviction from his apt., his family problems.
Then up to more current stuff like actually meeting Kathy, and Matthew, and finally hanging out with him outside of work. Going over the intercom at Wal-Mart, bashing on Stephen, and finally saying good-bye in the parking lot and him peeling out at the stop sign.
Jeez, and I thought I had no memories. If it weren't for him, I'd be very much different than I am now. He did open my mind and made me more talkative. I'm really gonna miss him.
And I just realized that he turned into one of my best friends. I'm really choked up for the first time in a long time. Just him saying "don't forget me" and "I'm not gonna be able to see you anymore" and all that made me really look back on the past year and a half with him.
Going into Patricia's car with her alarm going off on Superbowl Sunday, shutting the doors off and watching customers run into them, locking ourselves into Dan S's car and not letting him in, making fun of countless people that have come and gone from working there, fucking w/ all the customer's heads, quoting quote after quote from Clerks, "fuck tha po-lice", hitting on every new chick to start there, him telling me about all his problems: his break-ups and make-ups with Kathy, his eviction from his apt., his family problems.
Then up to more current stuff like actually meeting Kathy, and Matthew, and finally hanging out with him outside of work. Going over the intercom at Wal-Mart, bashing on Stephen, and finally saying good-bye in the parking lot and him peeling out at the stop sign.
Jeez, and I thought I had no memories. If it weren't for him, I'd be very much different than I am now. He did open my mind and made me more talkative. I'm really gonna miss him.
One fucking haircut, Pt. II?
No, I don't think so. Not yet, anyway. After I bleach it, I'm sure I'll hate it a lot more. But I'll end up doing it anyway.
Well, it's almost 12:30, and still no call from Alicia. Fuck. Why do people lead me on like this? I already have it planned out, too. Go to eat lunch, then Wal-Mart, where I'll pick up a gift for mom and some Ultra Blue for myself. If she doesn't call by 1:00, I'll call her and ask her if she wants to go to Wal-Mart since I really do have to pick something up for mom.
A half-hour. That's all I'll give her. If she's not home, or doesn't want to, then I'll call Curtis. If he's not home or doesn't, then I'll have to go on my own. But if Alicia and I both work at 5, then why is she waiting so long? She's taking forever. I was just hoping she'd call some time between 11-12, but people do this to me all the time.
I'm still insecure about my hair. It makes my forehead look huge, I fucking hate that. Just looking at myself in the mirror kills my confidence. Look at me, I'm so fucking weird looking. I have the weirdest-shaped fucking head, I hate that. It just bubbles out after it gets above my ears, which don't look like they belong on my head in the first place. But if I'm so fucking goofy looking, then why am I getting all these girls (Alicia, Mary, Heidi, Amy #2, Christina) to have an interest in me? Maybe I'm too hard on myself.
I just don't see it. But I think confidence goes past looks. Compare me to Jeff, Eric, and I think I'm BETTER!
Now I have to look in the yearbook for any foreheads bigger than mine.
OK, AGAIN. LIKE LAST TIME... though I'll probably have to do it again after I bleach it...
I love it. I look fucking great in this haircut.
DEFINITELY better than last time. And I now have a BETTER chance w/ Heidi, Amy #2, or Christina.
Ok, now to believe it.
Well, it's almost 12:30, and still no call from Alicia. Fuck. Why do people lead me on like this? I already have it planned out, too. Go to eat lunch, then Wal-Mart, where I'll pick up a gift for mom and some Ultra Blue for myself. If she doesn't call by 1:00, I'll call her and ask her if she wants to go to Wal-Mart since I really do have to pick something up for mom.
A half-hour. That's all I'll give her. If she's not home, or doesn't want to, then I'll call Curtis. If he's not home or doesn't, then I'll have to go on my own. But if Alicia and I both work at 5, then why is she waiting so long? She's taking forever. I was just hoping she'd call some time between 11-12, but people do this to me all the time.
I'm still insecure about my hair. It makes my forehead look huge, I fucking hate that. Just looking at myself in the mirror kills my confidence. Look at me, I'm so fucking weird looking. I have the weirdest-shaped fucking head, I hate that. It just bubbles out after it gets above my ears, which don't look like they belong on my head in the first place. But if I'm so fucking goofy looking, then why am I getting all these girls (Alicia, Mary, Heidi, Amy #2, Christina) to have an interest in me? Maybe I'm too hard on myself.
I just don't see it. But I think confidence goes past looks. Compare me to Jeff, Eric, and I think I'm BETTER!
Now I have to look in the yearbook for any foreheads bigger than mine.
OK, AGAIN. LIKE LAST TIME... though I'll probably have to do it again after I bleach it...
I love it. I look fucking great in this haircut.
DEFINITELY better than last time. And I now have a BETTER chance w/ Heidi, Amy #2, or Christina.
Ok, now to believe it.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
I'm nervous.
I'm anticipating Alicia's call, but I'm not set on what to do yet. If 11:00 hits and my hair's dry before she calls, I'm gonna leave and get my haircut. But what if I come back and she still doesn't call? Then what? Do I bleach my hair anyway and just hope she doesn't call for another hour? Or do I wait and go out with her, then come home and bleach before work? Or after work?
Ok. I'll wait until 12 to get my haircut. Then if she still hasn't called by then, I wait another hour to bleach it. If I go out before my cut, no hat, after--hat. If I'm home by 3, bleach. Ok, 3:30. But after 3:30, no bleach, go with black hair and bleach tonight.
Ok, now what to do. Go to Wal-Mart for Mom's birthday present. Go out to eat somewhere in Phillipsburg or Mansfield (depending on which you go to).
That'll be that. If she even calls at all.
If she calls before 12--do whatever, but go for your haircut at 3:30 to 4:00. Tell her. Otherwise, don't worry.
Ok. I'll wait until 12 to get my haircut. Then if she still hasn't called by then, I wait another hour to bleach it. If I go out before my cut, no hat, after--hat. If I'm home by 3, bleach. Ok, 3:30. But after 3:30, no bleach, go with black hair and bleach tonight.
Ok, now what to do. Go to Wal-Mart for Mom's birthday present. Go out to eat somewhere in Phillipsburg or Mansfield (depending on which you go to).
That'll be that. If she even calls at all.
If she calls before 12--do whatever, but go for your haircut at 3:30 to 4:00. Tell her. Otherwise, don't worry.
Alright, I'm feeling good.
I met Alicia at Marshall's, we chatted about stuff for 20 mins, and we're gonna hang out tomorrow. Sweet deal.
I'm gonna sleep in tomorrow, and if she calls anytime before 12, then I'll tell her I'm just waking up. She likes those that don't really care what people think, and that's me. Maybe we'll go out and eat lunch or something. I'm really happy with how it turned out. Can't wait for graduation.
I'll get a haircut tomorrow. If the guy's not open, I'll go somewhere else because I gotta get it before graduation.
I'm gonna try Josh again tomorrow or Wed. and I'm definitely gonna call Heidi soon to catch a show.
Damn, Alicia looked good today. She's so perfect, not to mention how open she is with me. "I gained like 10 pounds since I went on the pill". Haha... she's so damn cute. And I think I'm next on her list if anything w/ Dan were to ever happen. Love it.
Alicia and Heidi on my mind. It's all good.
I'm gonna sleep in tomorrow, and if she calls anytime before 12, then I'll tell her I'm just waking up. She likes those that don't really care what people think, and that's me. Maybe we'll go out and eat lunch or something. I'm really happy with how it turned out. Can't wait for graduation.
I'll get a haircut tomorrow. If the guy's not open, I'll go somewhere else because I gotta get it before graduation.
I'm gonna try Josh again tomorrow or Wed. and I'm definitely gonna call Heidi soon to catch a show.
Damn, Alicia looked good today. She's so perfect, not to mention how open she is with me. "I gained like 10 pounds since I went on the pill". Haha... she's so damn cute. And I think I'm next on her list if anything w/ Dan were to ever happen. Love it.
Alicia and Heidi on my mind. It's all good.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Wow, what a week
I'm done with work on Tuesday and I go to school Monday & Thursday, then it's all over.
Yeah, this is kinda generic, but I don't care. I'm happy, excited, scared, sad, reminiscent, lonely, and partly fulfilled all at the same time.
It's mainly my relationships with everybody and I'm curious how they're gonna play out into the summer. Lets see, Curtis, of course, I'll hang out with him probably the most. Then Eric. I'll definitely find time to hang with him. Nicholas and Alicia. I'll probably see more of him than Alicia, even though I want to hang out w/ Alicia badly. Maybe I can see if Heidi wants to hang out w/ her and Dan. I'm sure they would get along. That would be heaven. Maybe even Heidi and me, Dan and Alicia, Mary and Courtney. But Heidi does have a b/f. He's a fucking scumbag, though. Why the fuck does she like that kid? Doing K at the show...whatever.
I'll DEFINITELY go to a show w/ her. Maybe Warped Tour. I don't know, but I definitely do want to hang out w/ Heidi. But what about Amy #2 or Christina? I would also love to hang out w/ either of them, but who knows what they think of me after hanging out w/ Heidi. Sorted state of affairs. What else? Paul will always be there, so he's a big possibility. Josh, I should really hang out w/ tomorrow or Tuesday or Wed. um..
Already mentioned Mary, but would like to hang out w/ her by myself. (w/out Courtney). But I will also hang w/ Courtney. And-- Rene, Brendan (not much), Cristen (nm), Alyssa and J (most likely not), Jeff (more than these), Megan (?), Diana (?), Smith and Alex (possibly).
I should really write a schedule out or something.
ON ANOTHER TOPIC...
I got a new job before I finished this one. Just mowing a lawn and weed wacking one day a week. Simple. I can listen to music and ride the mower and then the rest of the week hang out. So I don't have to balance a job AND my social life like before. Never realized how much it cut into my social life. ... But either way, I should have plenty to do this summer, as long as I try and make the most of it. Without that drive, -- that lack of fulfillment I always complain about -- I would have made all these friends and agreed to do things. So, in actuality, I think everyone (well, most) feels like me. I'm not alone in this. It's actually a blessing to have this feeling. So, I'm glad I have it because it gets me to go out and live life while I still can.
Yeah, this is kinda generic, but I don't care. I'm happy, excited, scared, sad, reminiscent, lonely, and partly fulfilled all at the same time.
It's mainly my relationships with everybody and I'm curious how they're gonna play out into the summer. Lets see, Curtis, of course, I'll hang out with him probably the most. Then Eric. I'll definitely find time to hang with him. Nicholas and Alicia. I'll probably see more of him than Alicia, even though I want to hang out w/ Alicia badly. Maybe I can see if Heidi wants to hang out w/ her and Dan. I'm sure they would get along. That would be heaven. Maybe even Heidi and me, Dan and Alicia, Mary and Courtney. But Heidi does have a b/f. He's a fucking scumbag, though. Why the fuck does she like that kid? Doing K at the show...whatever.
I'll DEFINITELY go to a show w/ her. Maybe Warped Tour. I don't know, but I definitely do want to hang out w/ Heidi. But what about Amy #2 or Christina? I would also love to hang out w/ either of them, but who knows what they think of me after hanging out w/ Heidi. Sorted state of affairs. What else? Paul will always be there, so he's a big possibility. Josh, I should really hang out w/ tomorrow or Tuesday or Wed. um..
Already mentioned Mary, but would like to hang out w/ her by myself. (w/out Courtney). But I will also hang w/ Courtney. And-- Rene, Brendan (not much), Cristen (nm), Alyssa and J (most likely not), Jeff (more than these), Megan (?), Diana (?), Smith and Alex (possibly).
I should really write a schedule out or something.
ON ANOTHER TOPIC...
I got a new job before I finished this one. Just mowing a lawn and weed wacking one day a week. Simple. I can listen to music and ride the mower and then the rest of the week hang out. So I don't have to balance a job AND my social life like before. Never realized how much it cut into my social life. ... But either way, I should have plenty to do this summer, as long as I try and make the most of it. Without that drive, -- that lack of fulfillment I always complain about -- I would have made all these friends and agreed to do things. So, in actuality, I think everyone (well, most) feels like me. I'm not alone in this. It's actually a blessing to have this feeling. So, I'm glad I have it because it gets me to go out and live life while I still can.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Too much weird shit on my mind.
Amy #2 or Christina or do I have a chance with either of them?
Clerks kinda sucked tonight, probably would've been funnier if the eps. were done in order.
I'm gonna bring the camera to school and work and HOPEFULLY I'll work w/ Amy. If not, I don't know what to do. I'll go in one of these days, hopefully I can get my haircut on Friday and bleach it and shit.
Jeff's advice on Alicia. He makes a good point, but I have NO delusions at all about our relationship. I'm gonna try and balance my social life the best I can and hopefully I can keep all of my friends outside of the structured places we're forced to go, once we're not forced to go there anymore.
I'll try my best to keep myself up for these tasks at hand, like attempting to land Amy #2 or to keep Josh and Jeff and Paul and Christina and Alicia and Eric and all the other as friends...
I know I'm gonna get no sleep tonight, because I'm gonna be thinking and thinknig. Again, mention how Alicia is one of the few people that understands me in her yearbook. Cuz its true (somewhat). Dont care about the others. It'll be fun to try and get my life in order. I think this'll keep me far from a boring life. Take chances. Say to her "I like you a lot, I think we should go out". Just give it a shot. What's there to lose? Not much. I MUST do it. Then, when college comes, play it by ear. She's not by any means "perfect" for you. But it's fine to try. Maybe I could learn to like her more. I'm gonna try. I have to. No matter how much she says she doesn't want a b/f ever again, I will try anyway.
Who knows? I'll give it a shot tomorrow if she's there. Say like "I'm leaving soon, but I don't want to lose touch with you. Do you want to hang out one day? Gimme your # and I'll give you a call." Then all will be cool. I'll be my stupid self and she can laugh and we could to together until one of us wants to stop, if that happens at all. Sweet deal.
Now, to try to sleep.
Yeah, that'll happen.
Clerks kinda sucked tonight, probably would've been funnier if the eps. were done in order.
I'm gonna bring the camera to school and work and HOPEFULLY I'll work w/ Amy. If not, I don't know what to do. I'll go in one of these days, hopefully I can get my haircut on Friday and bleach it and shit.
Jeff's advice on Alicia. He makes a good point, but I have NO delusions at all about our relationship. I'm gonna try and balance my social life the best I can and hopefully I can keep all of my friends outside of the structured places we're forced to go, once we're not forced to go there anymore.
I'll try my best to keep myself up for these tasks at hand, like attempting to land Amy #2 or to keep Josh and Jeff and Paul and Christina and Alicia and Eric and all the other as friends...
I know I'm gonna get no sleep tonight, because I'm gonna be thinking and thinknig. Again, mention how Alicia is one of the few people that understands me in her yearbook. Cuz its true (somewhat). Dont care about the others. It'll be fun to try and get my life in order. I think this'll keep me far from a boring life. Take chances. Say to her "I like you a lot, I think we should go out". Just give it a shot. What's there to lose? Not much. I MUST do it. Then, when college comes, play it by ear. She's not by any means "perfect" for you. But it's fine to try. Maybe I could learn to like her more. I'm gonna try. I have to. No matter how much she says she doesn't want a b/f ever again, I will try anyway.
Who knows? I'll give it a shot tomorrow if she's there. Say like "I'm leaving soon, but I don't want to lose touch with you. Do you want to hang out one day? Gimme your # and I'll give you a call." Then all will be cool. I'll be my stupid self and she can laugh and we could to together until one of us wants to stop, if that happens at all. Sweet deal.
Now, to try to sleep.
Yeah, that'll happen.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
New thoughts keep popping in my head:
In Alicia's yearbook:
"Hi, Brian here--Thanks for understanding me. I'm kind of hard to figure out, but you pretty much did it. Don't even think of losing touch. Gimme a call if you're so inclined - ***-****"
In Mary's:
"Mar-to-the-eee"
Ok I really should get some sleep.
About the jock/punk rant: "Support a band by, say, wearing a t-shirt or putting a sticker on your car & buy a CD. But not worship a band, by believing every word they say to be truth, or defending them at every turn"
"Hi, Brian here--Thanks for understanding me. I'm kind of hard to figure out, but you pretty much did it. Don't even think of losing touch. Gimme a call if you're so inclined - ***-****"
In Mary's:
"Mar-to-the-eee"
Ok I really should get some sleep.
About the jock/punk rant: "Support a band by, say, wearing a t-shirt or putting a sticker on your car & buy a CD. But not worship a band, by believing every word they say to be truth, or defending them at every turn"
Is this what I've been looking for all along?
With that camera, I felt like a god. Jeez, this is my new thing. Just taking pictures of everything and anything. But I need a better camera. Because that perfect Shop Rite and middle finger pic is gonna be blurry most likely. Here's hoping it comes out, but I doubt it. Damn shame.
Oh well, I'm in a good mood. I'm excited about the Spanish video, and I'm looking forward to the next few weeks and what's gonna go down. Again, it's what I make of it. If I go and ask Amy #2 to hang out sometime, then I can see if I can enjoy that. And I'll hang out with Alicia, Mary, Paul, Josh, Curtis, the former "group", Eric, Amy #2 (possibly with Christina or double with Eric and Kristin), and hell, even Jeff, Smith and Alex and them.And anyone else I come into contact with.
Life CAN be good if I try. Well, that's a weighted statement. Nevermind, I don't want to jinx it, but I'll try my best to take full advantage and live life to the absolute fullest.
Want to go to Jay & Bob's stash in Red Bank, beach, Great Adventure, and anywhere else I'm so inclined to go.
I've got to try.
If it doesn't work out ---> "well I tried, dammit, at least I did that"
Thank you Grenier, Jeff Ott, Catharsis, Trial to help me take advantage of my youth and life in general.
Oh well, I'm in a good mood. I'm excited about the Spanish video, and I'm looking forward to the next few weeks and what's gonna go down. Again, it's what I make of it. If I go and ask Amy #2 to hang out sometime, then I can see if I can enjoy that. And I'll hang out with Alicia, Mary, Paul, Josh, Curtis, the former "group", Eric, Amy #2 (possibly with Christina or double with Eric and Kristin), and hell, even Jeff, Smith and Alex and them.And anyone else I come into contact with.
Life CAN be good if I try. Well, that's a weighted statement. Nevermind, I don't want to jinx it, but I'll try my best to take full advantage and live life to the absolute fullest.
Want to go to Jay & Bob's stash in Red Bank, beach, Great Adventure, and anywhere else I'm so inclined to go.
I've got to try.
If it doesn't work out ---> "well I tried, dammit, at least I did that"
Thank you Grenier, Jeff Ott, Catharsis, Trial to help me take advantage of my youth and life in general.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Again, I feel weird writing in this
but I have that fucking feeling that I completely hate right now.
It's (again) because I was in a very social situation and I was pulled right out of it and went to silence. It's because I know that they all could have had something better to do, but I really couldn't. It's because they are (she is) so much more important to me than I am to them (her).
And I know I'm just going to start thinking about it and go through that whole range of emotion.
Also, Shop Rite is gonna be weird because I'm not gonna know whether or not they saw the tape. PLUS, the fact that I let allt he carts on Thursday, AND the fact that I'm gonna see everyone for the 1st time since I gave my 2 weeks.
I can't help but think that if I get w/ Amy #2 or Christina, then all my social problems will be over. But I have to pick ONE. And I'm gonna go for Amy #2. Fuck what everyone else thinks. I respect her more and will have more fun with her because she is more on my level. Fuck moving up in levels just so I can have something to talk about.
FUCK IT ALL. I don't care. If I can't get w/ Amy #2, then I'll get a mall job and have a giant fucking selection.
I was ME. If they don't like it, then the hell with them. I don't care. I don't need their acceptance. I can move on and find a new life.
It's (again) because I was in a very social situation and I was pulled right out of it and went to silence. It's because I know that they all could have had something better to do, but I really couldn't. It's because they are (she is) so much more important to me than I am to them (her).
And I know I'm just going to start thinking about it and go through that whole range of emotion.
Also, Shop Rite is gonna be weird because I'm not gonna know whether or not they saw the tape. PLUS, the fact that I let allt he carts on Thursday, AND the fact that I'm gonna see everyone for the 1st time since I gave my 2 weeks.
I can't help but think that if I get w/ Amy #2 or Christina, then all my social problems will be over. But I have to pick ONE. And I'm gonna go for Amy #2. Fuck what everyone else thinks. I respect her more and will have more fun with her because she is more on my level. Fuck moving up in levels just so I can have something to talk about.
FUCK IT ALL. I don't care. If I can't get w/ Amy #2, then I'll get a mall job and have a giant fucking selection.
I was ME. If they don't like it, then the hell with them. I don't care. I don't need their acceptance. I can move on and find a new life.
Ok, I'm gonna use this as a thought book until I get another real one.
There's not much on my mind, just a few random Mary and Courtney thoughts. Again, I tried to show my 2 completely opposite sides. My ability to fuck around and laugh with people and my values and what I believe in. I hope she saw that, again, although I don't have any feelings that she'll drop a great relationship like she has.
It's weird writing in a book with this much room. I really don't feel much when writing in it.
My biggest things on my mind are: Finding Mary's house. (I'm sure I can remember), getting the Clerks TCS tape and hoping Paul taped it, and my social life in the summer. I'm sure I'll be fine. Ok, now to lay down to music and try and sleep.
Nighty night.
It's weird writing in a book with this much room. I really don't feel much when writing in it.
My biggest things on my mind are: Finding Mary's house. (I'm sure I can remember), getting the Clerks TCS tape and hoping Paul taped it, and my social life in the summer. I'm sure I'll be fine. Ok, now to lay down to music and try and sleep.
Nighty night.
Friday, November 7, 2008
[meta post] oh it ain't over motherfuckers
This is the 3rd post of this blog that isn't coming verbatim from my old notebooks, and is instead coming direct from me to you in the present--circa November 7th 2008.
The 1st post that isn't ripped from the old high school notebook is the intro to the whole thing. And the 2nd one was my previous entry, which is a quick blurb that concludes my first high school journal.
I guess this post, aside from boring you to tears, is my way of introducing the 2nd volume of my angsty scribblings.
The 2nd volume is the 2nd volume simply because I ran out of pages in the first notebook I was using. It coincidentally ended just as I was quitting my shitty part-time high school job at Shop Rite and getting ready to graduate high school, so this 2nd volume wraps up those little arcs rather nicely (and by "nicely", I mean just as awkwardly and embarrassingly as everything else in these previous entries).
So instead of just dumping out those entries here, I figure I'll give a little primer to anyone going back to read the archives, or going forward to read what I'll be posting soon.
Some of the main characters:
Brian - Me
Alicia - THE object of my high school affection/obsession/fixation (not the only one, but by far the most prominent)
Dan - Alicia's boyfriend, with whom I eventually would grow to be real good friends
Mary - Alicia's best friend, and tangentially also a fixation of mine at the time
Courtney (male) - I know it's a female name, but he was the guy that began dating Mary about a quarter of the way through Volume 1 of this little tome.
Amy #1 - Nice but somewhat clingy girl I worked with at Shop Rite that had a crush on me
Amy #2 - One of the three "private school girls" I worked with at Shop Rite that I was flirty with
Christina - Another "private school girl"--best friend of Amy #2, slightly stuck-up, but another one that I would slightly obsess over
Heidi - The third "private school girl", who I eventually awkwardly dated for about 3 days
Eric - My closest friend at Shop Rite
Curtis - My best friend since 5th grade. He's conspicuously mostly absent from these pages, as this was the year he started dating Sharon (who he eventually married), and we lost a bit of touch that year. We're still great friends to this day.
Paul - An acquaintance who I worked with at Shop Rite
Burns - Another random acquaintance who happened to be friends with all my friends (so I was sort of friends by association with him)
Horowitz - My stereotypically angry boss at Shop Rite. A real angry bastard.
Patricia - One of the other bosses at Shop Rite
James - Elementary school friend who became real weird once he started drinking in high school and I eventually stopped talking to and hanging out with.
That's enough. That's most of the major players anyways. The rest you can pick up through context clues, you little scholars you.
Enjoy Volume 2...
The 1st post that isn't ripped from the old high school notebook is the intro to the whole thing. And the 2nd one was my previous entry, which is a quick blurb that concludes my first high school journal.
I guess this post, aside from boring you to tears, is my way of introducing the 2nd volume of my angsty scribblings.
The 2nd volume is the 2nd volume simply because I ran out of pages in the first notebook I was using. It coincidentally ended just as I was quitting my shitty part-time high school job at Shop Rite and getting ready to graduate high school, so this 2nd volume wraps up those little arcs rather nicely (and by "nicely", I mean just as awkwardly and embarrassingly as everything else in these previous entries).
So instead of just dumping out those entries here, I figure I'll give a little primer to anyone going back to read the archives, or going forward to read what I'll be posting soon.
Some of the main characters:
Brian - Me
Alicia - THE object of my high school affection/obsession/fixation (not the only one, but by far the most prominent)
Dan - Alicia's boyfriend, with whom I eventually would grow to be real good friends
Mary - Alicia's best friend, and tangentially also a fixation of mine at the time
Courtney (male) - I know it's a female name, but he was the guy that began dating Mary about a quarter of the way through Volume 1 of this little tome.
Amy #1 - Nice but somewhat clingy girl I worked with at Shop Rite that had a crush on me
Amy #2 - One of the three "private school girls" I worked with at Shop Rite that I was flirty with
Christina - Another "private school girl"--best friend of Amy #2, slightly stuck-up, but another one that I would slightly obsess over
Heidi - The third "private school girl", who I eventually awkwardly dated for about 3 days
Eric - My closest friend at Shop Rite
Curtis - My best friend since 5th grade. He's conspicuously mostly absent from these pages, as this was the year he started dating Sharon (who he eventually married), and we lost a bit of touch that year. We're still great friends to this day.
Paul - An acquaintance who I worked with at Shop Rite
Burns - Another random acquaintance who happened to be friends with all my friends (so I was sort of friends by association with him)
Horowitz - My stereotypically angry boss at Shop Rite. A real angry bastard.
Patricia - One of the other bosses at Shop Rite
James - Elementary school friend who became real weird once he started drinking in high school and I eventually stopped talking to and hanging out with.
That's enough. That's most of the major players anyways. The rest you can pick up through context clues, you little scholars you.
Enjoy Volume 2...
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