I have to talk to Patricia today

Why is Eric working when he doesn’t want to? “I want to keep peace between you two”. I don’t care if Patricia hates me, do I? The thing is, our phoniness will truly show up, and that’s what I’m afraid of. I will snowboard on Saturday instead of working. Why? Because my life has come to a point where I’ll do anything to break out of HELL RUT.. I want to shake things up any way I can, and I must admit, this is much more fun than sticking to my regular routine and wondering what would have happened had I done this or that.

I’m just going to act, with considering all the consequences, but always valuing my life over making money, keeping meaningless responsibilities, and doing things because it’s the “norm” and everyone else does it.

I go by my own ideals. I will fight to keep my life the way I want it. Eric may be feeling a lot of repressed resentment because I can sense it. I don’t want him to be pissed , but I will not sacrifice my life for him. Eitehr way, my dignity is being compromised. For Hendrickson? No, I will not let that bitter old fuck ruin my life in any way. I will not let that happen. Keep up. It would help to have support (Eric, Frank), but it isn’t what I’m basing this on.

I do have support (trial, retrozine, catharsis) and that’s all I need. Sure, it’s not the kind of support where they egg me on and help me, beause I don’t know them. But I have the park and it keeps me wanting to go out and enjoy life, and consider the consequences, but always act in a way where I do what I want to keep me happy. I can’t wait to hear what trial has to say about it. That will keep me even higher and get me to stand up for myself and fight for my life.

A small deli or a little business would be a million times better than this place. Sure, they still think like a corporation, but they don’t really have the power to be black-hearted, so they aren’t. It kills me because everyone is so loyal to the management, and they don’t realize that they see us as expendable. We’re very easily replaced and those jaded motherfuckers don’t care about us once we’re off the clock or out of the business.

(notes from study hall)

These girls don’t shut the fuck up. Superficial bitches. Looking to make me uncomfortable. Just looking for a reaction. Not getting anything from me. Shut up. I don’t want to hear about your stupid shit or look at you. Stop looking for a reaction. STOP. If you want to talk to me, go ahead. Stop playing your 2 on 1 mind games. Why are you fucking with my mind like this? Shut the fuck up. I don’t care about your emotions. Oh yeah, you’re so good, you’re so different, you have so much more on me. I HATE THIS SHIT. Add me to your list. Ask me to move, but don’t talk behind my back. This class is taking so fucking long. The minutes just drag……..sure, good looking, but so fucking superficial.

If I stop writing or working, they’ll know I can hear everything they’re saying. FIRST? I hate this sit. Valentine’s is so stupid. But why point out the OBVIOUS? Mary and Courtney together. Talk about people LITERALLY behind their back. “Gayness”—my god, this sucks more than anything. Just when I think my day can’t get any worse, this happens. I’m in the most uncomfortable position right now. Because I can’t take this. I don’t want this class to be anymore. This sucks.

I don’t want to hear of you drinking or getting trashed or fucking around or anything you do. They realize it’s a part of the class and my life is this situation. Can’t take initiative. Can’t take initiative. Stuck being ass-backwards in a world where everyone else is moving forward.

But it’s not just initiative anymore. It’s the 2^nd, 3^rd, 4^th responses. I make THEM laugh. Then stop…say something…oh, well. Possibility. Hope. HELL RUT ENDS.

“so now you know where I come from/my secret’s come undone – my heart’s revealed it’s cause………. I’m laying naked at your feet/don’t crush the heart that bleeds, take me as my word—it may sound absurd” – Jawbreaker

“destroyed by quiet, yell it out before it kills you now, let it all out” - Jawbreaker

Life without working is whatever I want to make it.

Good-bye to spending like a madman. That’s over. But socially, if I go out and be assertive and hang out with everyone I come into contact with, then I will keep myself too busy to even analyze it. I still want to go hang out w/ Amy #2 whenever possible, but I don’t know when now. I’ll continue to try and get her to, but if she doesn’t want to, then whatever.

Just thinking of Courtney and how fucking long-winded his stories are. But out of everyone, I would rather it be him than anyone else.

Do dreams tie up a lot of our loose ends?

Is it used as a way to subconsciously think out what’s plaguing us constantly? I think it is. That’s why you always feel better and more sure after you’ve slept on it. In the morning, any tensions or fears are usually significantly reduced.

Horniness sucks.

It keeps you going after anything and everything. Especially: Crystal. Stupid, ditzy, superficial, ready, too happy, never really sure of what's going on.

But hot. Curvy. Damn. I have to stop. I'm starting to get a mean ---- ---. But I want to think of it. It makes warmth and passes time much faster.

When I feel this, I know it's because (_____) is also. I'm uncomfortable. Don't want to show too much. We're NOT EVEN acquaintances, so if I were to say, turn around right now and give a "hows it going", it would be incredibly awkward. But, I really like the body. (_____). Also lips.

Really nice, but again, very superficial. So it's nice to look at, but nothing long-term. She knows I'm no (A---, K---, any other preppy fuck) She doesn't know why I'm so unpopular. She wonders, even if for a couple minutes while I sit here, she does.

I've got a much bigger head now. It's pretty cool, because I play it as if I'M not going to prove to HER. Ever. And that confidence plays out well. Look, 2 "perfect" friends. Always complaining about something not suiting their needs. Yet, they can't say a word to each other. Too busy arguing and when they get it, they can't say anything ELSE. Social issues. Everyone has it. More relaxed, the better.

Make it comfy. Don't let them EVER feel awkward. Don't let them get uncomfortable. Show your true self. Because saying something differing from them is a million times better than saying nothing at all. Make them smile or even laugh. BUT, don't stray from whit you believe in to do it. I have to make whatever I'm trying to say either comical, or I don't really know. I can't sit here and talk like an expert on any subject because I'm not.

I try and divulge into me, but I don't really know how to deal with shit. This DOES help, though, because I use what I feel personally about situations and use that to think of what THEY would feel. And that's the best way to go.

I thought I would be feeling worse than this

Rejection doesn't hurt me (too much) but awkwardness does. I fucking hate it. Courtney is going to feel resentment if I don't give a good reason why I felt I had to tell her. I just wanted another 'boarder there. I'll make it out to look like I needed someone more on my level. Yeah, that'll work.

Do I want her to know? Um...if she does, it could possibly happen. But her demeanor is friendly, but shouting out "NO!". If she doesn't know, then nothing changes and I go back to hoping she'll take initiative. Oh, well. If Courtney finds out, probably from her saying something, then he'll keep an eye out, but otherwise, I don't care anymore. Catch both comforts me and pushes me into thinking and overthinking. I don't care how they think. It's mine, dammit --thought stopped--

What should I do?

She's a virgin, right?

yeah, so that's that. I'd love to hang out with her one night. Maybe (not this Friday--too soon. Not next Friday--going to a show. Not this Saturday-visiting RU and working) Saturday has got to be the day.

Next Saturday. That'll be perfect.

Now Amy#2. She doesn't want to go out with anyone anyway, right? Even if she did, I could always use that as my excuse.

No, I think Christina is perfect. Alicia would get along with her.

Dan would get along with her. Just, could I introduce her to like half the other people I know?...Mom, sis, grandma, the cousins, Uncle V, Aunt C, Rebecca, Curtis, Sharon, Mary?....uh oh...now Amy#2 would be perfect for some of them...but Christina would be perfect for others.

Why not, though? I'll tr and get in a decent conversation with her one day and all I have to do is talk to my friends about her. Tell them exactly how I feel about her. My family will never have to meet them because I'll just tell her that I'd rather not right now. She'll understand.

Ok. So, next Saturday (the 8th) is when I'll ask if she wants to see a movie. Hopefully I get the opportunity or Chris K. hasn't picked her up by then. Oh, well. We'll have to see.

Well, another day in hell....

I sit, alone, in this fucking classroom with this fucking teacher and contemplate life.

I never have clearer thoughts about life than when I'm in an awkward situation such as this one.

Alicia never ceases to surprise me. I love it when she talks about someone that isn't Dan. As much as I like him, I still wish...well, I've said it all before. She still is, and will always be, #1 with Mary a close 2nd and the private school girls #3.

Well, the room's filling. Gotta go.

(Ed note: this is the first entry with the Volume 1.5 tag, meaning it was written around the time of Volume 1, but was lost for one reason or another. Ditto the Volume 2.5 tag for future entries.)

Metapost: A note about Vol. 2.5 and beyond

So I'm really happy with how the first two volumes of this blog has turned out. Both of my early journals were copied here pretty much verbatim (give or take a grammatical error or two), and it was all chronologically ordered from early senior year of high school up through T-minus 18 days until I first started college.

But of course nothing can stay that simple. Since the 2nd book got completed, I of course started packing all my shit up for college. And since I couldn't leave a treasure trove of embarrassment just lying around my dorm room, I had to start writing my thoughts on random pieces of paper and keep them in various places where roommates/dorm mates/potential girlfriends (ha!) wouldn't find them.

Further complicating things, I started to write more politically and social themed entries around this time. The political naivete that I exude in these entries is cringe-inducing, and in my opinion even more embarrassing than my entries about crushes on girls or bitching about being a loser.

I considered just dropping the political ones, but it was a big part of who I was at the time, and it informed a lot of my day-to-day decisions as well. So I'm keeping it all in, warts and all. If you read them, you'll probably be able to tell that my heart was in the right place, but an inexperienced life coupled with a desire to shout radical rhetoric right at the time of entering into a large liberal arts university makes for pretty much the perfect storm of high-horsed bullshit. Please read them with a grain of salt. Or just skip them. Yeah, better off just skipping them.

Anyway, this is all a rambling way (do I know any other?) of closing out Volume 2, and explaining that instead of jumping right into Volume 3, there will be some leftover entries that either fell out of my old journals (heretofore tagged "volume 1.5" or "volume 2.5", depending on which book they fell out of), and the less timely political/social pieces (to be tagged "naive politics").

The Volume 3 entries will of course start when I first enter college. And you'll be able to hear a nice healthy mix of awkward boy living with girls his own age for the first time, crushing on girls new and old, trying to fit in with the athletes in the dorm, beginning my first job on campus, a whole new cast of characters, and more.

So basically, keep an eye on the tags to see where exactly the entries are coming from. That should sort everything out nicely.

Thanks and hope you're enjoying the blog.

-EHSD