NOW I'm Living...

Okay, well it's the 7th of July and there's a couple things stirring.

My main concern is my friendship with Curtis. I left his house early because I promised I would spend time at Eric's to watch the fireworks and the parade and all. This is kind of a problem because I think he was expecting me to sleep over or at least stay until it got dark there.

But instead, I opted for Eric's. Why did I do it? Probably because the people at Eric's are just so much more real than Dave R., Courtney, Christian, and Paul. Curtis and Kyle to me are genuine, and aren't really looking to prove anything to anyone, so I get along great with them, but I really didn't want to hang out with those other guys. People like Eric, Matt, Fat Mike, and Craig are just so much more real to me. I feel more on their level and more like a part of them when I'm with them. Like I belong. Because I definitely felt like an outsider at Curtis' house.

Everyone there is richer than me, was more popular than me, and would have no problem with excluding me if they felt it would benefit them. Everyone except Curtis and Kyle, that is. So that's my reason for ditching my best friend for my other close friend.

I just don't want Curtis to feel like I like Eric better than him or something. It's not a competition. They're both my friends, and I would spend equal time with both of them if I could. So that's that. Another big deal is the fact that I'm going to North Carolina with Eric and Craig on Monday. This came out of nowhere. I was asked today (Saturday) and all of a sudden I have 2 days to get ready. We have no set place to eat or sleep and we're gonna drive at like 11 at night to probably 8 in the morning the next day. This really ought to be fun, since we're gonna be tired as hell once we arrive and won't be able to get in a bed right away, because we'll have to search for a run-down motel that has a vacant room. Oh, boy.

Plus that's $200 out of my very limited funds, meaning if I want to get a CD player or something, I'd better start working for L and start selling my life on eBay.

But I definitely want to do this. If I don't spend my money on this, what would I spend it on? no, this is definitely something I want to do. I want a chance to create some memories and take some pictures and enjoy some moments, no matter what the cost.

So that covers my life up to Wednesday. Which brings me to Thursday.--

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Thursday, Raechel invited me to go to Philly to see BSF play. being the thick-headed, submissive, think-with-your-penis type of individual I am, I accepted. Now, I'm hoping for something to happen, if only to gain experience, but I'm not sure anything will. She invited me to sleep at her house afterwards, since we probably wouldn't be getting home till late, but I'm guessing it was only a courtesy thing, because she immediately said she has to get up early for work the next morning. Either way my plan is not to initiate a thing, and imply meet her, enjoy BSF, and go back to her house and plop on the couch. If she sits with me, or lays with me, or simply ignores me and heads to her room, I'm fine with it, because I'm going into it not expecting anything. I'll take everything at face value and not read into anything or give any signs myself. Disinterest is the game plan.

But how do I explain this to my mother? I really hate always having someone to answer to, I've gotta say. I mean, I appreciate that she worries about me, but this should be the ultimate compliment to her. She's raised me well enough where I can head to North Carolina and go to Philly with confidence. I no longer ask questions like what if I get hurt or what if I get mugged, etc, etc, because anything could happen at any time. Sure, I'm increasing the risk of it happening by living life like this, but sometimes that risk is worth the satisfaction that comes with it. So, I'll probably tell my mother that I'm staying an extra day in NC or that I'm gonna sleep at the house at college on Thursday or make up SOMETHING other than actually going to Philly. Not that I enjoy lying to my mother, but sometimes I have to in order to ease her worrying and protect her from sleepless nights. So, I guess that's what I'll do on Thursday.

But let me back up. Back up to tomorrow. Tomorrow, I also have a few solid options. First of all, Heidi's graduation party, where I promised I'd show up, is tomorrow. Now, I don't really have any desire to go, because a) me and Heidi haven't really hung out or even talked in the past month, b) Amy#2 and Christina will both be in Italy, c) Craig's probably not going, so I'll have no one to talk to, and d) I hate most of her friends. On the plus side, Walker and Mike Jones will probably show up, so that might be kinda fun to hang out with them. So that's one option. Also, Eric and Craig asked me to go to Eric's to play Goldeneye for a while. Now, this is always fun, just bsing with thems, so that's another solid option.

And then, I could ditch both of them and hang out with Curtis. I mean, I'll be spending Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday with Eric and Craig. And Heidi doesn't ever seem to mind ditching MY ass at her convenience, so I could easily ditch hers. But, then again, this just alienates more people. Trying to juggle groups of friends that aren't necessarily friends with one another is one of the hardest things to do. It kind of forces you to focus on a set group of people and ignore or cut out a lot of acquaintances and old friends. Josh B., Jeff, Smith, etc, are people I used to talk to that I VERY rarely talk to now. Because I can only focus on my left friends and right friends, and everyone else seems to get cut out of the picture--
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No, I'd better stick with one of the 2 previously scheduled things, so as not to alienate more people than I need to. But I'll call Curtis and we'll set up a day to go to Great Adventure. Then all will be right.

Yeah, well I guess that's pretty much it for the week. Besides being coerced into working the cart with my mother next Saturday, and maybe going to Great Adventure next Sunday (just occurred to me), the week following will be a return to normalcy and hopefully between working to pay for my NC trip and a CD player/heater for my car and balancing time with friends, and my ongoing quest to just get laid, I can stop---and breathe...