Man, I'm just not used to being so on edge all the time. It's kinda funny, because when I'm home from school, I am at my happiest and at my saddest and most angry.
I guess I'm just frustrated. I mean, what can one possibly do about a problem in life that is explicit and preventable, yet just won't go away. This is the ongoing problem of my life, and I've about had it. I'm nearly 20 goddamned years old, and I'm still moping about shit I should have left in my teen years. But this isn't simply a problem that goes away when I get older. It's not something I grow out of. It's the everyday misery of my reality. Nothing epic, but just all the little things in my daily life. A constant reminder of my place in the house, in the family, and in life. And I seriously need to start thinking of ways to end it.
No, not end my life--I love myself too much for that--but end my life as I know it. I know my family can sense that I am slowly drifting away from it, and they have good reason to believe that. Of course, it's not all bad here. As far as my real family goes, from my perspective, it's hunky-fucking-dorie. But that tangible tension, that sentient resentment that lingers in my life prevents me from moving on and instead is pushing me to start moving OUT. Out of this area, to a place where I can worry about shit I'm supposed to worry about, not this bullshit about material possessions, or if my room is clean enough, or how to put a front on that shows how normal everyone here is.
Yeah, this is probably selfish, and I should take all other points of view into consideration, but this isn't about the context of everyone else's life, it's about the context of mine.
I wouldn't curse my worst enemy with this.
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