Return to Normalcy?

Well, since my last entry, a lot of time has passed. About a month or so. And in this time, I once again realized that words and action, theory and practice, are 2 very separate things. They each have their effects on one another, but they retain some level of autonomy at the same time.

Of course, I'm talking about the "change" Eric has gone through. He has begun going back to church, reading the bible, and changing some of his believs, but on the other hand, he is back to cursing, sex, and just being back to being Eric.

I've pretty much got my life boiled down to my practical needs right now. Some things that are weighing on my mind are money, the crew, sex, and school.

As far as money goes, I'm still pretty strapped, since $100 every 2 weeks or so isn't really a living wage. I have to use that money for gas, utilities, and to cover the rent that my refund check doesn't pay. Not to mention giving at least $50 for car insurance and attempting to pay off my debt from last year. Also, Christmas is coming up, which is always hard on me since I'm so damn strapped around this time. Needless to say, I won't be buying myself anything for a long damn time, so while I do feel some guilt in the fact that I'm getting so much help, at least I can take comfort in the fact that I'm not getting greedy.

In regard to the crew, some of us are tighter than ever and others are just hanging on, at this point. I like the way Eric has put it, calling Bubba, Steve, and Fat Mike, the "B-team" at this point.

It's definitely true that some of them have to prove themselves true if they want respect. But I'm just glad I have them in my life, because if I didn't have that--someone that appreciates and respects my friendship as much as I do theirs, someone that will drop plans, sacrifice their lives, and always have my back no matter what--if I didn't have that, I'd just be another lost soul not knowing my place in the world. Thank god for Eric and Matt. And, to a slightly lesser extent, but still my boy, Craig.

Jackson, I'm going to have to see about. We're cool when we're down, but I have to make sure we can chill with no phoniness. He's definitely someone good to know, though, with his experience and subsequent knowledge, and yeah--he's a good guy to have on your side, too. Fat Mike is cool with me, and we can always chill without awkwardness, but it seems like he suffers from that same lack of bullshit-detector that affects Curtis, which is definitely an obstacle for me in any relationship.

I've realized that through experience. They kind of subconsciously tell that I am truer than these other kids around them that are just entertained by them or whatever, but they can't ever make it explicit. And to equate me as the same level as, say, Courtney or Josh, is to shit on the friendship we've built over the years. But I've gotten off track. This isn't about Curtis, it's about the crew. Bubba is simply too young, mentally, to be considered anywhere within the crew, in my standards. I'll be down with him when I'm around him, but he's the last person that's gonna give me shit, because he, in all actuality, means nothing to me. And if we have to trim the fat, nothing against the kid, but it wouldn't really affect my life if he were gone. Steve I won't even give the dignity of telling why he doesn't belong. It's just too easy.

Now about sex, I'm mentally and physically aching for some. It's been an incredibly long dry spell, and I'm really ready to do something about it. Jackson's advice is always golden, as is Eric's, so I'm gonna follow it. In my own words, it more or less comes down to showing a girl you have interest, but also showing her that at the same time, you have more options in your life than just her. Don't make it seem like she's all or nothing for you. Can't let her see you get torn apart over her. Always have to let her know that you're not gonna be waiting around and if she screws up too much, then she could lose you for good. Emotions don't come into play on your part. It's simply a matter of practicality. Remember, I have enough friends at this point in my life. I'm fully satisfied with the friends, male and female, that I have, which is something I couldn't always say. So, from here on out, friends are not my matter of concern. I'm going to play the game with my extremely limited experience and with the advice I get from the experience of other people. And only by doing it, trying and failing, and figuring out what I did wrong and correcting it. Over and over, with maybe some successes along the way. It's time to get serious about this. No more hoping it'll fall in my lap like last year. That was a rare exception, not the rule. Time to start using your own skills and own game as much as possible.

Finally, as for school, I have mixed feelings. Living there for over 2 months now, I've gotta say I feel out of place. Thank god for me having my own room, though. Alicia is still there, which I've been thinking about. It just recently occurred to me that between her and Melody, I'm a bitch. I do them both favors, whether it's driving Alicia to East Brunswick or walking at 11 PM to Melody's to console her. But when I ask for something back--in Alicia's case, to get a book for me from the library and in Melody's case, just to acknowledge that I'm at the fucking house--I get shit on. So, unless they can prove their friendship, which I have more than done for them, I'm going to either call them on it, which will no doubt lead to a fight, or just cut them out, just push them out of my life, because it's just added stress. If If they can tell that their FRIEND is getting pissed off on account of them, and they make no effort to repair that breach, then they're not worth having in your life. And if it's just a matter of them being thickheaded and not realizing it, then I'll make it blatantly obvious.

So, it goes 1- get pissed 2-let them know you're pissed, and why, and 3- if they don't do anything about it, or don't care, then walk. It will probably be the hardest thing in the world to do, but it will end up saving you stress instead of causing you stress. The benefits will far outweigh the negatives.

As for the rest of school--I'm behind in Soc, Poli-Sci, and Lal;, plus I don't know if I'm gonna get a good schedule next year and I pray to god I do well in my classes. But I'll save all this shit for another entry. Probably in another 2 weeks.