This was my fault, as usual

We were going so well, and I had to ruin it by getting defensive. You're right, it is always when my friends are brought up when I get sensitive. But I never mean to hurt YOU or to blame you. I just don't know if I'm drifting apart or not. And the thing is, I think you're right when you say it. That's why it hurts. You know you've become the #1 priority in my life, and I guess I feel a little guilty about that. Because if the gauntlets were thrown down, and I had to choose to have you for the rest of my life or be tight with them the rest of my life, I would choose you, and I've never felt that way about someone before.

And when you brought up the fact that I'm an outsider to my friends, I guess that fact kind of slapped me in the face. I know you said you don't want to fight all the time anymore, but there are still obviously issues we have to work out. I have to get over my insecurities about my failing friendships and accept the fact that we're going to grow apart, as we grow up. If I can't do that, I'll continue to bring this baggage into our relationship. But the one thing that makes me stop breathing, and makes me feel like my heart is going to stop, is when you refuse to talk to me about it.

I'm telling you my weakness right now. As much as I hate fighting with you, I'd much rather that than to have you refuse to talk to me. I just want you to know that I feel awful about what happened. I have to face facts, but I guess it was kind of the way that you were patronizing me that upset me the most. When I was trying to interpret what you said, and you started saying things like "sure you are" and the like, I felt almost like you were attacking me.

You have to understand my situation, Lucy. I've never in my life been happier and felt more satisfied with my life than I have in these past 8 1/2 months. And when I see my friends going through tough times, I feel guilty with the knowledge that they don't affect me as directly anymore. I mean, I will still be there for them, and feel for them, but I'm just not as empathetic as I once was with them. I mean, I actually found myself resenting Craig after he broke up with Jessica just because--not even giving a real explanation. My first thoughts were, if he loved her, he would be willing to deal with whatever problems came into the relationship to make it work, just as long as she wanted it. But he took the coward's way out and --

[the rest of this diary entry was lost]