Well, I'm feeling a little more comfortable, although I'm writing this in the center of Livingston and there are people everywhere. But it looks like I'm just working, so that's good enough.
I think someone pick-pocketed my written schedule out of my back pocket, so I don't have that anymore, which sucks. Maybe I left it at the dorm, though. I don't know.
Anyway, I'm an hour early here for my calc. class so I figured "hey this is the perfect time to sit and write". It's a good feeling, because no one bothers me and asks what I'm doing or whatever and I can just write and enjoy being in a new place.
I look like a fucking freshman, though, with my [college] shirt on and all, but I don't care, I'm liking this.
The room's filling up as I write, and I might want to move outside or something to find a more secluded spot.
I've found that EVERYTHING IS SHORT-TERM at college, since one thing follows another so quickly Back in the hometown, I would think about something and write a few days ahead of time and worry about it or get excited about it or whatever and then it would happen and I'd go back into a dry period for a while. Here, the biggest thing on my mind is my next class, or when I'll eat next, or where Mel or Lisa and Melissa are. It's like there's SO much more on my mind.
I've got a half-hour until class starts, so I'm just going to try and map out my thoughts until then. I've really got to call that lady about work-study. If I don't get that job, I'm fucked, because I NEED money for random events and school stuff. I do have $86 in my college express though, so that should last for at least a month or two if I spend kinda sparingly. So money's kind of a problem, but not huge.
Next on my mind is chicks. Mel is a good friend, but I don't think we'd be that great together. Melissa is cool, so she's a possibility, but I really don't have any idea. What sucks is that I don't know how to meet girls. I suck at it. I can talk to them or whatever, but that fucking initiative is what kills, so I'll have to deal with that. Whatever, I don't even know what I'm saying now, because I'm thinking about class, so I'm out of here.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Alright, finally a little time to myself
I've been begging to get something written for a couple days now, but with this situation, it's nearly impossible.
So, what am I thinking? Well, again, I feel that I don't fit exactly. I think that maybe I focus everything like I did my high school days. Mel is Alicia, Jim is Tim, Curtis is (still) Curtis, and so on...
I just haven't sat down and written for so long that I feel like I'm not doing it right or something. I try to tell myself that I'm enjoying it at points--and sometimes I really am--but I don't know exactly what I'm looking for.
I'm making friends with the female portion of the floor, but every time I talk to a guy, I either resent them or get annoyed. Dutch is half-decent, though, so he's a potential friend.
It's just that these fuckers are so phony. They all feel they have to prove something and the chicks eat it up. We're already basically factioned. Let's see: we've got the "crew", who for the most part, can kiss my ass, then there's our little clique, which is nice, but also just as judgmental, and there's the field hockey girls, who seem a bit stuck-up and phony.
But there's another problem I have. I stereotype people too easily. Not by race or ethnicity or anything, but by how they act and the company they keep. To me, I like to put a label and write off everyone as --train of thought stopped--someone I don't want or don't need instead of learning to understand them and eventually see why they act like this or that. But it's all bullshit anyway because I don't think anyone ever really likes me in the first place. I have the worst self-confidence in the world when it comes to shit like this.
For example, the whole Mel, Curtis, Ronnie, Sharon and Me group. I try not to, but I can't help but feel jealous toward Curtis. He has everyone loving him already, and I sit and take whatever scraps are left over. I still just can't help but feel that I'm alone and NO ONE has my outlook. I'll try and keep up and take everything in stride with a grain of salt, but I will not lie to myself. That's a given.
Some thought bites:
-Me and Curtis sleeping through the fire alarm at 1:30 AM
-Taking the frat walk with Dan
-That buffer zone of 1 seat between everyone in classes and on the bus
So, what am I thinking? Well, again, I feel that I don't fit exactly. I think that maybe I focus everything like I did my high school days. Mel is Alicia, Jim is Tim, Curtis is (still) Curtis, and so on...
I just haven't sat down and written for so long that I feel like I'm not doing it right or something. I try to tell myself that I'm enjoying it at points--and sometimes I really am--but I don't know exactly what I'm looking for.
I'm making friends with the female portion of the floor, but every time I talk to a guy, I either resent them or get annoyed. Dutch is half-decent, though, so he's a potential friend.
It's just that these fuckers are so phony. They all feel they have to prove something and the chicks eat it up. We're already basically factioned. Let's see: we've got the "crew", who for the most part, can kiss my ass, then there's our little clique, which is nice, but also just as judgmental, and there's the field hockey girls, who seem a bit stuck-up and phony.
But there's another problem I have. I stereotype people too easily. Not by race or ethnicity or anything, but by how they act and the company they keep. To me, I like to put a label and write off everyone as --train of thought stopped--someone I don't want or don't need instead of learning to understand them and eventually see why they act like this or that. But it's all bullshit anyway because I don't think anyone ever really likes me in the first place. I have the worst self-confidence in the world when it comes to shit like this.
For example, the whole Mel, Curtis, Ronnie, Sharon and Me group. I try not to, but I can't help but feel jealous toward Curtis. He has everyone loving him already, and I sit and take whatever scraps are left over. I still just can't help but feel that I'm alone and NO ONE has my outlook. I'll try and keep up and take everything in stride with a grain of salt, but I will not lie to myself. That's a given.
Some thought bites:
-Me and Curtis sleeping through the fire alarm at 1:30 AM
-Taking the frat walk with Dan
-That buffer zone of 1 seat between everyone in classes and on the bus
Monday, November 15, 2010
Ho-ly shit, has it been a while
I come home, and I've been here for maybe 40 minutes, and already I'm rushed with emotions--train of thought stopped--
Ok, I'm a little better now, but I still have a shitload of stuff on my mind. When my mind wanders like this, I like to get it on paper. But my mind wanders so quickly that my hand can't catch up.
What's on my mind? Well, for the most part, Heidi. I told her that I liked her a lot over the phone last night and kind of put the idea out there that we should go out. Although, I don't know if it'll work. With me being at college and her back in the hometown, it would suck for the boht of us. Also, her reaction to my saying "I like you" was "WHY? YOU'RE AT COLLEGE!", so I don't know what that means.
Either way, I'm hanging out with her tomorrow and we're gonna talk it out and all that. What I basically want to say to her is that I like her, and we should be together whenever possible, but we should also be free to explore other people and relationships. It sounds fucked up, but I can't help but feel she thinks the same way.
I'm not giving this entry the attention it deserves. I'm home and I want to do all the things I'm restricted from at college here, so. I'm checking the internet, possibly updating the webzine, and thinking, thinking, thinking...
The good thing about the whole Heidi situation is that if it doesn't work out, then I'll never see her again anyway, so I can do whatever.
Then again, its not that big on my mind anymore. WHAT the hell is wrong with me? I've got that feeling that I have "unfinished business" but I can't pinpoint it.
Ok, I'm a little better now, but I still have a shitload of stuff on my mind. When my mind wanders like this, I like to get it on paper. But my mind wanders so quickly that my hand can't catch up.
What's on my mind? Well, for the most part, Heidi. I told her that I liked her a lot over the phone last night and kind of put the idea out there that we should go out. Although, I don't know if it'll work. With me being at college and her back in the hometown, it would suck for the boht of us. Also, her reaction to my saying "I like you" was "WHY? YOU'RE AT COLLEGE!", so I don't know what that means.
Either way, I'm hanging out with her tomorrow and we're gonna talk it out and all that. What I basically want to say to her is that I like her, and we should be together whenever possible, but we should also be free to explore other people and relationships. It sounds fucked up, but I can't help but feel she thinks the same way.
I'm not giving this entry the attention it deserves. I'm home and I want to do all the things I'm restricted from at college here, so. I'm checking the internet, possibly updating the webzine, and thinking, thinking, thinking...
The good thing about the whole Heidi situation is that if it doesn't work out, then I'll never see her again anyway, so I can do whatever.
Then again, its not that big on my mind anymore. WHAT the hell is wrong with me? I've got that feeling that I have "unfinished business" but I can't pinpoint it.
There are times when I feel like I'm in a fucking prison in this house
I'm a prisoner. The bars are my insecurity and the prison guards are mom and . It's hard to get that on paper, because it's such a difficult situation. I probably should have been a little more vague, because it's more than just *that*, but *that's* at the root.
Really, not much more to be said about that. I've gotten so used to positive entries that I want to sugarcoat my feelings, but I can't. I'm just having one of those days where I"m feeling extremely unstable. I'm not content with being trapped in this house for any longer than I need to eat, sleep, or check my e-mail.
It must be Monday. --Train of thought stopped--
I'm reflecting on the summer I had. It wasn't GREAT, but it wasn't horrible, either. It was comfortable, which is OK, but I do want more. My biggest regret, or at least the one that's standing out right now, was not keeping in touch with Christina. Only now do I realize how much fun I could have had with her. But, I can't look back.
In 4 days, I will be in another world. I'll be literally surrounded with kids my age, and while I will keep a close friendship w/ Curtis, I also want to make it my mission to open up to this new experience and not regret missing out on anything. I'm pretty much prepared for anything that may come up. In theory, anyway. I'm sure it'll be much different when I put this new perspective into practice.
I guess it's good to look back at times, though, because I can learn from what I did or didn't do and how I feel about it now. I want to start taking initiative a little more and taking control of my life.
Once again: it's MY life. Not mom's, not sister's, not Eric's, not RetroZine's, not Curtis'. It's MINE. And while I do look to and/or observe other people's lives for influence or perspective, or even acceptance, I will still have the final say in the end.
[for some reason, I just thought of Sharon's perspective as I see it. While I like her, I just see her as kind of closed-minded. I know she'll most likely stay away from her roommate as much as possible and spend more time in our room. Also, she said something like "I don't want to have a night class that day because I heard that's a big party day. I want to make friends". Well that seems a bit idealized. I'm much more real when it comes to social issues like that.
Firstly, I like more personal interaction (but without tension, if possible). I guess I like it as personal as possible before it gets awkward. Because I'm really into the actual GETTING TO KNOW the person. And that doesn't just mean idle bullshit chit-chat, although I do enjoy that too. But actual sharing of thoughts. That's why I liked Christina so much. She could talk about something stupid and something meaningful. Or I should say WE could, because it's more like she could LISTEN to both. But she could also respond and converse, which made her really likable. Or maybe it's just because she was really cute. Whatever.
ANYway, to end this rambling, my mood has completely changed since I set pen to paper at the beginning. That's good.
Really, not much more to be said about that. I've gotten so used to positive entries that I want to sugarcoat my feelings, but I can't. I'm just having one of those days where I"m feeling extremely unstable. I'm not content with being trapped in this house for any longer than I need to eat, sleep, or check my e-mail.
It must be Monday. --Train of thought stopped--
I'm reflecting on the summer I had. It wasn't GREAT, but it wasn't horrible, either. It was comfortable, which is OK, but I do want more. My biggest regret, or at least the one that's standing out right now, was not keeping in touch with Christina. Only now do I realize how much fun I could have had with her. But, I can't look back.
In 4 days, I will be in another world. I'll be literally surrounded with kids my age, and while I will keep a close friendship w/ Curtis, I also want to make it my mission to open up to this new experience and not regret missing out on anything. I'm pretty much prepared for anything that may come up. In theory, anyway. I'm sure it'll be much different when I put this new perspective into practice.
I guess it's good to look back at times, though, because I can learn from what I did or didn't do and how I feel about it now. I want to start taking initiative a little more and taking control of my life.
Once again: it's MY life. Not mom's, not sister's, not Eric's, not RetroZine's, not Curtis'. It's MINE. And while I do look to and/or observe other people's lives for influence or perspective, or even acceptance, I will still have the final say in the end.
[for some reason, I just thought of Sharon's perspective as I see it. While I like her, I just see her as kind of closed-minded. I know she'll most likely stay away from her roommate as much as possible and spend more time in our room. Also, she said something like "I don't want to have a night class that day because I heard that's a big party day. I want to make friends". Well that seems a bit idealized. I'm much more real when it comes to social issues like that.
Firstly, I like more personal interaction (but without tension, if possible). I guess I like it as personal as possible before it gets awkward. Because I'm really into the actual GETTING TO KNOW the person. And that doesn't just mean idle bullshit chit-chat, although I do enjoy that too. But actual sharing of thoughts. That's why I liked Christina so much. She could talk about something stupid and something meaningful. Or I should say WE could, because it's more like she could LISTEN to both. But she could also respond and converse, which made her really likable. Or maybe it's just because she was really cute. Whatever.
ANYway, to end this rambling, my mood has completely changed since I set pen to paper at the beginning. That's good.
Well, I hung out with Paul today
He told me he saw Diana and she was asking about me. That makes me feel good. It also makes me want to find her and hang out with her one day. But, considering I have 7 days before I leave for college, that's not looking too hopeful. Between hearing about or hanging out with: Eric, Mike, Amy#1, Steve, Amy#2, Heidi, Ivy, Mike Jones, Justine, etc. I feel like I'm back working at Shop Rite. I know everything about everyone there and it kinda drives me to want to live my life parallel to some of theirs. But I'm going off to college, so I'm sure to get plenty of life experience and perspective there. Still...
Oh, well. 7 days...
Oh, well. 7 days...
Education
In order to get kids interested (or at least not completely confused and bored) in something, it's got to connect with their lives. Before introducing something and forcing them into it, they need a segue to go from an interest, problem, or passion (yes, kids have passions) in their life to a work that compliments it.
It has to be brought to light BEFORE even introducing it. Instead of cramming as much as possible into a year, it should be started early and nurtured. It should take as long as it needs to get a spark, and from then on, the pace can quicken.
It has to be brought to light BEFORE even introducing it. Instead of cramming as much as possible into a year, it should be started early and nurtured. It should take as long as it needs to get a spark, and from then on, the pace can quicken.
Well, I think my new outlook on things may be working
I'm feeling a little different and I'm thinking that I can justify everything I do. As I've said before, I'm going to need to answer WHY I do the things I do before I do them. It is, as I've said before, a double edged sword because, well...look on thought disk for that.
I find myself much happier and content with my life in these last few days of summer before I enter a whole new world. I find myself a little intimidated but wholly excited about entering it. Mostly because I want to change my life for the better. I still do things for show, I guess, but it's not as bad as it used to be. It's almost like I would follow for show, but now I'm trying to put on my OWN show and see if I can get followers. I don't know though.
I'm just really excited about anything that provides interaction and new experiences. I want as much life experience as I can in these years. I now will have no excuses to stay away and trapped in my own little world.
I find myself much happier and content with my life in these last few days of summer before I enter a whole new world. I find myself a little intimidated but wholly excited about entering it. Mostly because I want to change my life for the better. I still do things for show, I guess, but it's not as bad as it used to be. It's almost like I would follow for show, but now I'm trying to put on my OWN show and see if I can get followers. I don't know though.
I'm just really excited about anything that provides interaction and new experiences. I want as much life experience as I can in these years. I now will have no excuses to stay away and trapped in my own little world.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
It's funny how watching an old movie or listening to an old song
...can bring back a rush of old emotions. If I'm feeling an intense feeling when watching or listening to something, that feeling seems to become captured in it. And when I play it back, I get that same feeling back, no matter how long it'd been since the last time I saw or heard it.
I'm talking about "Chasing Amy" and Sublime's S/T album. "Amy" brought me back those feelings I had, and I guess still ahve somewhat, for Alicia. It brought me to the first day of school when I sat with her at lunch. To the walks after lunch and the awkward conversations we had to the days of writing about how fucking depressed she would make me without even knowing it. It was the movie I would watch in pain, because it reminded me of her. It was so hard to watch that movie, because I wouldn't even think about the plot watching it. I would just think of her.
The Sublime CD brings mixed feelings. I love the music, but I hate the fact that this music was exploited and marketed to MTV audiences. Jim B. and Bill D and Cousin M listening to this? Well, I'm sure they got little more than entertainment out of it. For me, though, it's different. It means something to me. I can't really put it into words, it's very hard.
Also, it brings me back to sophomore year in the most difficult part of my life. The beginning and most shocking part, anyway. I'm kind of still in that part of my life, so that's why it's kinda traumatic. My hope is that college will fix everything, but that's just me being idealistic and stupid again. The fact is that I have to deal with what I have received in life. I'm a very privileged person. I'm in the majority in most categories. I'm white, male, straight, and middle class. Sure, I do have a different life than most, but I've only seen a very small part of the world. Again, my hope is that college will broaden my horizons and allow me to see that I can still live an open, fulfilling, and happy life.
Another big thing on my mind is my sex drive. I seem to have lost a significant amount. Maybe it's my excitement of what lingers over the horizon and I don't really want to think about sex right now. Maybe since I've found fulfillment in meaningful friendships w/ Eric, Curtis, Alicia, and even Paul, sex isn't big on my list right now. I can only hope that's it. Because I'm worried that I won't have any desire to have sex for a while.
Well, every time I try and think about it, I just have SO much more on my mind. I think; I hope; that when I've settled down and get over the excitement of moving into my OWN place with Curtis, and living in a semi-big city, and meeting new people, and becoming more educated, and all that, once I've relaxed and become comfortable, then my sex drive will kick in a little harder than it is now. If not, I don't know what I'll do. I'll try re-analyzing it myself and possibly move on from there, but hopefully that won't be an issue.
I don't know if it's a coincidence or if there's some kind of connection, but the same time I feel this low on drive is the same time I finally feel I'm ready to go ahead and have sex. I think maybe it could be because I've thought of sex as so distant from me for so long. Sex, as presented to me, was something to be seen and never done. Sure, I've thought of myself in sexual situations, but it was always presented as something that was wrong. And, being the abiding type, I tended to agree. So, my urges always gave me guilt and I would have a lot of inner conflict. Eventually, masturbation became natural and I felt comfortable with it and I was relieved of guilt. With time and experience, it came. But, I still feel guilt thinking about having sex with someone I respect like Alicia or even Heidi. Once I get respect for a girl, my sex drive tends to go down. It's because I always viewed it as black and white. Two separate things. Sex was wrong and warranted no respect, so to have sex with someone was to detach from them emotionally and instead go strictly for physical pleasure. The whole idea of a mental connection between the two having sex was foreign to me. And I think it's mostly how sex was presented to me by the media, by school, and even a And it's still that way.
What scares me is that I don't want this to make sex seem as any less fun or exciting. To make sex forbidden is to put it on the same level as things that SHOULD be forbidden. Rape, incest, even violence. How many times have I heard "sex and violence" together? They shouldn't be coupled with one another, because one can be something that improves one's life and adds excitement and positivity to it while the other is almost ALWAYS negative.
Sex needs to shed it's dirty violent image, because it is the opposite, not a parallel, of violence. It is two people giving pleasure to one another in the most intense way humans possibly can, while violence is one person giving pain to another, while possibly feeling pleasure on account of it. And the whole "one man's pain is another's pleasure" is bullshit, because if we can communicate, we can know exactly what one feels about anything. Sure, everyone has different tastes and likes/dislikes. So, for each person, that line moves to the left or right on what is pain or pleasure. But there's always a line. And it's not what someone can tolerate. It's what someone wants. There's a big difference.
So, I think I'm ready. I need to start looking in girls eyes from now on. Eyes are the perfect balance between lust, friendship, love, or whatever. Personality goes a long way, and so does looks, and common interests and sexual tension and the way they move and act and talk and smell and all that. But--and I can't say if I'm sure on this or not--I think the eyes are the perfect balance of all that. It can be sexual and loving at the same time, which proves that they should be coupled together and I've been thinking of it all wrong all along. The sex is most likely just as good. I'm sure it feels the same if you're fucking a horny girl you loathe or if you're fucking a horny girl you respect.
And that's another misconception I had. Either girls get really horny or they're someone I can respect. They can't be both. It's either Crystal (column A) or Alicia (column B). I could never really fathom columns A and B in one girl. I now realize, after this thinking, that column A and B have NOTHING to do with each other.
My big problem is, of course, putting these theories into practice. Will I be able to get off on a girl I respect? I should, with this new perspective brought to light. An intelligent, respectable girl can be as good having sex, or better, than a girl I can't stand but happens to be good looking. A respectable girl that I could very well fall in love with could be, by my old terms, a slut.
The result?
Respect does not fall, or rise for that matter, by experience having sex. I can now imagine ANYONE I respect doing anything sexual, and keep that respect. Now, I have to use this outlook to improve my life. Always look at the whole person. That used to mean completely exclude anything sexual for ones I respect and think ONLY sexual for those I don't. Not anymore. It's only a PART of the person, but it's STILL IS A PART! So, it's not--she's a slut, I'm staying away from her. No. No more. Listen and interact with them. There's no such thing as a slut. If a girl has a lot of sex, her opinions and values (yes, values) are as valid as the next girl's. There is no such thing as a prude. Just because a girl doesn't have sex makes her no more or less respectable than one that sleeps around. From now on, the word "slut" will be reserved for those girls that cheat on guys, or those that use sex to get ahead in a job or something (although, I'll probably modify that in time as well). It's a clean slate for them. Sexually, anyway.
Now, how will this outlook affect my sex drive? Hopefully, I'll stop needing a "dirty" or "wrong" feeling to get off. I've got to accept the fact that I can find things "dirty" or "wrong" in anyone and everyone. And I've got to use that to my advantage. It's probably too late for the girls I know. Never know, though. this IS the first time thinking overtly this way. Maybe over time I can view them and see them on different levels and eventually respect girls like Megan and get off on girls like Alicia. On every new girl I meed from now on, though, I've got to look at ALL sides and not over-emphasize, de-emphasize, or completely exclude their sex.
I'm talking about "Chasing Amy" and Sublime's S/T album. "Amy" brought me back those feelings I had, and I guess still ahve somewhat, for Alicia. It brought me to the first day of school when I sat with her at lunch. To the walks after lunch and the awkward conversations we had to the days of writing about how fucking depressed she would make me without even knowing it. It was the movie I would watch in pain, because it reminded me of her. It was so hard to watch that movie, because I wouldn't even think about the plot watching it. I would just think of her.
The Sublime CD brings mixed feelings. I love the music, but I hate the fact that this music was exploited and marketed to MTV audiences. Jim B. and Bill D and Cousin M listening to this? Well, I'm sure they got little more than entertainment out of it. For me, though, it's different. It means something to me. I can't really put it into words, it's very hard.
Also, it brings me back to sophomore year in the most difficult part of my life. The beginning and most shocking part, anyway. I'm kind of still in that part of my life, so that's why it's kinda traumatic. My hope is that college will fix everything, but that's just me being idealistic and stupid again. The fact is that I have to deal with what I have received in life. I'm a very privileged person. I'm in the majority in most categories. I'm white, male, straight, and middle class. Sure, I do have a different life than most, but I've only seen a very small part of the world. Again, my hope is that college will broaden my horizons and allow me to see that I can still live an open, fulfilling, and happy life.
Another big thing on my mind is my sex drive. I seem to have lost a significant amount. Maybe it's my excitement of what lingers over the horizon and I don't really want to think about sex right now. Maybe since I've found fulfillment in meaningful friendships w/ Eric, Curtis, Alicia, and even Paul, sex isn't big on my list right now. I can only hope that's it. Because I'm worried that I won't have any desire to have sex for a while.
Well, every time I try and think about it, I just have SO much more on my mind. I think; I hope; that when I've settled down and get over the excitement of moving into my OWN place with Curtis, and living in a semi-big city, and meeting new people, and becoming more educated, and all that, once I've relaxed and become comfortable, then my sex drive will kick in a little harder than it is now. If not, I don't know what I'll do. I'll try re-analyzing it myself and possibly move on from there, but hopefully that won't be an issue.
I don't know if it's a coincidence or if there's some kind of connection, but the same time I feel this low on drive is the same time I finally feel I'm ready to go ahead and have sex. I think maybe it could be because I've thought of sex as so distant from me for so long. Sex, as presented to me, was something to be seen and never done. Sure, I've thought of myself in sexual situations, but it was always presented as something that was wrong. And, being the abiding type, I tended to agree. So, my urges always gave me guilt and I would have a lot of inner conflict. Eventually, masturbation became natural and I felt comfortable with it and I was relieved of guilt. With time and experience, it came. But, I still feel guilt thinking about having sex with someone I respect like Alicia or even Heidi. Once I get respect for a girl, my sex drive tends to go down. It's because I always viewed it as black and white. Two separate things. Sex was wrong and warranted no respect, so to have sex with someone was to detach from them emotionally and instead go strictly for physical pleasure. The whole idea of a mental connection between the two having sex was foreign to me. And I think it's mostly how sex was presented to me by the media, by school, and even a And it's still that way.
What scares me is that I don't want this to make sex seem as any less fun or exciting. To make sex forbidden is to put it on the same level as things that SHOULD be forbidden. Rape, incest, even violence. How many times have I heard "sex and violence" together? They shouldn't be coupled with one another, because one can be something that improves one's life and adds excitement and positivity to it while the other is almost ALWAYS negative.
Sex needs to shed it's dirty violent image, because it is the opposite, not a parallel, of violence. It is two people giving pleasure to one another in the most intense way humans possibly can, while violence is one person giving pain to another, while possibly feeling pleasure on account of it. And the whole "one man's pain is another's pleasure" is bullshit, because if we can communicate, we can know exactly what one feels about anything. Sure, everyone has different tastes and likes/dislikes. So, for each person, that line moves to the left or right on what is pain or pleasure. But there's always a line. And it's not what someone can tolerate. It's what someone wants. There's a big difference.
So, I think I'm ready. I need to start looking in girls eyes from now on. Eyes are the perfect balance between lust, friendship, love, or whatever. Personality goes a long way, and so does looks, and common interests and sexual tension and the way they move and act and talk and smell and all that. But--and I can't say if I'm sure on this or not--I think the eyes are the perfect balance of all that. It can be sexual and loving at the same time, which proves that they should be coupled together and I've been thinking of it all wrong all along. The sex is most likely just as good. I'm sure it feels the same if you're fucking a horny girl you loathe or if you're fucking a horny girl you respect.
And that's another misconception I had. Either girls get really horny or they're someone I can respect. They can't be both. It's either Crystal (column A) or Alicia (column B). I could never really fathom columns A and B in one girl. I now realize, after this thinking, that column A and B have NOTHING to do with each other.
My big problem is, of course, putting these theories into practice. Will I be able to get off on a girl I respect? I should, with this new perspective brought to light. An intelligent, respectable girl can be as good having sex, or better, than a girl I can't stand but happens to be good looking. A respectable girl that I could very well fall in love with could be, by my old terms, a slut.
The result?
Respect does not fall, or rise for that matter, by experience having sex. I can now imagine ANYONE I respect doing anything sexual, and keep that respect. Now, I have to use this outlook to improve my life. Always look at the whole person. That used to mean completely exclude anything sexual for ones I respect and think ONLY sexual for those I don't. Not anymore. It's only a PART of the person, but it's STILL IS A PART! So, it's not--she's a slut, I'm staying away from her. No. No more. Listen and interact with them. There's no such thing as a slut. If a girl has a lot of sex, her opinions and values (yes, values) are as valid as the next girl's. There is no such thing as a prude. Just because a girl doesn't have sex makes her no more or less respectable than one that sleeps around. From now on, the word "slut" will be reserved for those girls that cheat on guys, or those that use sex to get ahead in a job or something (although, I'll probably modify that in time as well). It's a clean slate for them. Sexually, anyway.
Now, how will this outlook affect my sex drive? Hopefully, I'll stop needing a "dirty" or "wrong" feeling to get off. I've got to accept the fact that I can find things "dirty" or "wrong" in anyone and everyone. And I've got to use that to my advantage. It's probably too late for the girls I know. Never know, though. this IS the first time thinking overtly this way. Maybe over time I can view them and see them on different levels and eventually respect girls like Megan and get off on girls like Alicia. On every new girl I meed from now on, though, I've got to look at ALL sides and not over-emphasize, de-emphasize, or completely exclude their sex.
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