(note: these entries should have been entered between "her party turned out to be so much better than expected" and "I'm all nervous again". I must have skipped it the first time. This will be two entries in one because I don't want to put another disclaimer up. These entries took place some time in July of 2000)
Heidi likes me, but I have got to get to know her and learn to appreciate other things about her before I even consider going out with her (or more).
I think I've pinpointed it, though. It's the whole male cult thing that was brought to my attention by Jeff Ott.
I don't look at a girl and think of her as a good fuck, and ONLY that, nonetheless. Unlike Eric (the rest of the cult), I see them as human beings just like me and I can't detach myself from them emotionally by only letting me see the outer looks and shallowest aspects of personality.
Eric (and the rest) can. And since "they" outnumber people like me, I'm supposed to feel inferior to them. I'm all of a suddne less of a man to them. Well, now that I've thought it through, I know that I WILL go hang out with Heidi and try and talk with her and learn more about her than whether or not she gives head. Because that's all well and good, and if we ever were to get into a physical relationship, that might come up, but that really has no bearing. And, of course, the other thing is that Eric (them) most likely will be seen as superior to me by Heidi (women), since they play the role (or, he plays the role) of the typical American, red-blooded, non-emotional, one-dimentional, sex-starved, shallow, sexist man.
While I'm seen as different, an outcast, even a deviant just because I would like to have a bond with a girl before I go and fuck her. Not to mention my sXe beliefs. In that, I'm not the typical teenager. I don't smoke weed, or drink beer, or smoke cigarettes. And while I won't place judgment on those that do, they may play it in reverse and place judgment on me.
I go by the 3 X's not because if I don't then I won't be considered "straightedge" (I hate labeling myself), but because I don't wnat to fuck up my own body. And the 3rd X is not meant to be "stay virgin until marriage" by my interpretation. I think it's much deeper than that. The way I see it, it's meant to discourage fucking around, or sleeping with anything without any sort of relationship in mind. I am not against sex whatsoever. I feel it's completely natural and it should be out in the open for discussion for both emotional and safety purposes. But, I don't think sex should be completely separated from other emotion (replace "sex" with lust, or replace "lust" with sexual urges). I think it's NOT it's own entity, but instead a progression of emotion between twopeople when they both feel right about it. (or, it should be). I couldn't stand having sex with a girl and not being able to talk to her before or afterwards.
If I'm going to have sex with someone, I will make completely clear that this is someone I can spend time with outside of bed. And someone I can connect with outside of looks.
And I'm not talking little annoyances, because everyone has those. I'm talking about having no connection deeper than physical attraction. And I'll say it. She's fucking hot. No two ways about it. But there are a lot of hot girls which really don't have any connection with me at all, so obviously, that can't be the deciding factor. Again, I feel compelled to look deeper. And I'll explain this all to Eric if he says anything and I will have not one regret, either. It's me. I will from now on lay myself bare. Dave G. is my inspiration. He's found quite a life outside the main pipeline, and he hase a zine BECAUSE he doesn't lie to himself. And I can honestly say that it is a work of art. And I want to follow suit and stay completely true to myself and what I believe in and just go out and (again...blah) do what I want when I want to. It sounds siple, but there's a fucking complicated life to lead on account of it.
I'm ready.
---------------------------------
Lets see, try and expose what I'm thinking...
I'm happy so far that I've got plenty of stuff planned and will most likely go through with it all. Between Curtis, Eric, Paul and Heidi I've got plenty to do, but I also want to hang out with Alicia and Dan, Mary (and I guess Courtney), Jake, and possibly Amy#2 and Christina but (oh yeah, and Jeff) but I guess each personality comes with their own baggage and it'll be hard to balance all that. But it most definitely beats the cookie-cutter shit I did last summer with the "group".
Now, I had no personal qualms with any of them, but I would not vow to be exclusive in the least.
Jason and Alisha became a single entity became a single entity and stopped associating with anyone around them, so I decided I'd do just the same to them. I need no one, unlike Burns, who gets all red in the ace and rebels against common sense. He's an idiot. Then Becky and Brendan, who weren't as bad as Jason and Alisha, but were tapped into the clique because of Brendon's golfing skill and the fact he played guitar and Becky's cheerleader-like demeanor. So from then on they found their higher-up friends and are content with that, I think.
Which brings me to Mary. I'm completely over her, I think, since I haven't seen her in so long. Maybe I'll call her and see if she wants to hang out, but I really don't know. I probably won't because she doesn't (is there a word between need and want?) me, and neither do I her. Yeah... Crystal is completely out of the picture. Yeah, hot, but I explained this all before. Forget it.
What else?
I don't know, I'm well past "the group" since I never really thought of myself as part of them anyway. I was friendly, but I just didn't fit. I guess I'm better off that way. I never want to get too comfortable because I need that drive to keep me going. I absolutely need it.
On another topic, I'm thinking of doing a zine. A real zine, on paper. I'm pretty happy with my e-zine so far, and with my artwork and writing, I could really make a quality piece of work. I just want to figure out how much it costs and exactly what I can do to get it going. Just imagine the feeling when you see that completed PB zine all finished. Damn, that'd be a great feeling. Well, maybe, I don't really know...
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Film ideas
-Simple. Losers NOT getting popular, but instead learning to hate popularity. Send the message: be comfortable. Possibly someone attempting to try his hand ad every subculture or scene in high school. Portray as cooler than the populars.
Tomorrow:
_Shorts and T-shirt and hat
In shorts or backpack--
_Camera
_Sweatshirt
_Extra t-shirt
_Water
_BSF CD for car
_Sunglasses
_$100
_New insurance card
_Retrozine
Tomorrow:
_Shorts and T-shirt and hat
In shorts or backpack--
_Camera
_Sweatshirt
_Extra t-shirt
_Water
_BSF CD for car
_Sunglasses
_$100
_New insurance card
_Retrozine
Fuck yeah
I'm getting progressively more comfortable with everyone. Or they're more comfortable with me. Or I'm just really stupid and it fluctuates, but every time I'm in a high or low, I tend to think it'll continue like this until a massive event to change it (a turning point) occurs.
Whatever. I'm feeling good, though. I just called Alicia and finally could just TALK comfortable with both her and Dan without having to like, map out an explanation or conversation in my head.
So, whatever discomfort I may feel if I go with both Curtis and Paul (it was bound to happen) to see X-Men, I can just think of ow great it'll be to see Alicia again in a social situation and also how healthy it is to go out and interact with people or in places where (or who?) I'm not completely familiar and comfortable with.
Keep it interesting and never get too comfortable and too satisfied with life. This way, I'll always have something on my mind and something to write about.
Never again will I slip into a hell rut. Never will I allow that to happen again.
Whatever. I'm feeling good, though. I just called Alicia and finally could just TALK comfortable with both her and Dan without having to like, map out an explanation or conversation in my head.
So, whatever discomfort I may feel if I go with both Curtis and Paul (it was bound to happen) to see X-Men, I can just think of ow great it'll be to see Alicia again in a social situation and also how healthy it is to go out and interact with people or in places where (or who?) I'm not completely familiar and comfortable with.
Keep it interesting and never get too comfortable and too satisfied with life. This way, I'll always have something on my mind and something to write about.
Never again will I slip into a hell rut. Never will I allow that to happen again.
Shit, politics and personal thoughts are in full force
My ezine's doing pretty well, especially after being advertised on Retrozine. I'm getting feedback and perhaps opening new minds, so that's great.
Heidi and I are pretty comfortable. After giving her pics back, we had a good comfy talk. I love those. No nervousness, just enjoying each others company.
"Fight Club" really opened me up to even more thought. Just that, it's MY life. I want to go to college to educate myself in what I have interest in, namely--political and social sicnces. What I do with that is irrelevant. I'm NOT gonna become a wage slave. I cannot let that happen.
Also, I want to join MOVE, ARA, Food Not Bombs, Habitat, or any other activist organization. This is far, far beyond proving how punk I can be. No, I want to fight to spread this knowledge and get others involved. Politics affects everyone. I want to make sure it works out the right way.
Ok, I'm very tired and delirious. I'm gonna try to finish the Mumia book, then possibly start the other, but if I get too tired, I'll sleep.
Heidi and I are pretty comfortable. After giving her pics back, we had a good comfy talk. I love those. No nervousness, just enjoying each others company.
"Fight Club" really opened me up to even more thought. Just that, it's MY life. I want to go to college to educate myself in what I have interest in, namely--political and social sicnces. What I do with that is irrelevant. I'm NOT gonna become a wage slave. I cannot let that happen.
Also, I want to join MOVE, ARA, Food Not Bombs, Habitat, or any other activist organization. This is far, far beyond proving how punk I can be. No, I want to fight to spread this knowledge and get others involved. Politics affects everyone. I want to make sure it works out the right way.
Ok, I'm very tired and delirious. I'm gonna try to finish the Mumia book, then possibly start the other, but if I get too tired, I'll sleep.
Well, I've got lots of mixed feelings tonight.
It's funny, because today, I cut my finger open and almost needed stitches, but my 2-minute talk with Heidi (I have her pictures in my car) is what stands out.
Now, I do like Heidi, and her sister, but I really think we're like from 2 different worlds. It's not that she simply has different values than me, or different views, or anything like that. It's not that simple. We're just two very different people looking for very different things in life. But, I'll continue being friends with her and all that.
This brings my thinking back to Amy#2, now. Now, Amy#2's a lot more closed-minded, but then again, she is more on my "level", so to speak. I really don't know, though. It's a weird situation.
If Elsie lived around here, now that would be perfect...what I should really do soon is give mom her $100, then with the rest of my $ (or ask mom for $), buy new clothes. I have like 3 t-shirts that I like, and only 2 pairs of shorts! So, I could really use some clothes. Well, I have the $, but I need to find some places that have good clothes.
What else? Oh, I'll probably be seeing X-Men on Friday with Paul and Curtis, so I'll have Paul bring Bill so hopefully it can be a little more comfortable. But Paul's easy to get along with, as is Curtis, so it shouldn't be too big a deal.
Ok, that's that. Wear my Quiksilver shirt tomorrow to Heidi's to drop her pics off, then home and shower (with glove on), then go to Paul's and watch Fight Club or something. Ok. Not a bad deal.
Now, I do like Heidi, and her sister, but I really think we're like from 2 different worlds. It's not that she simply has different values than me, or different views, or anything like that. It's not that simple. We're just two very different people looking for very different things in life. But, I'll continue being friends with her and all that.
This brings my thinking back to Amy#2, now. Now, Amy#2's a lot more closed-minded, but then again, she is more on my "level", so to speak. I really don't know, though. It's a weird situation.
If Elsie lived around here, now that would be perfect...what I should really do soon is give mom her $100, then with the rest of my $ (or ask mom for $), buy new clothes. I have like 3 t-shirts that I like, and only 2 pairs of shorts! So, I could really use some clothes. Well, I have the $, but I need to find some places that have good clothes.
What else? Oh, I'll probably be seeing X-Men on Friday with Paul and Curtis, so I'll have Paul bring Bill so hopefully it can be a little more comfortable. But Paul's easy to get along with, as is Curtis, so it shouldn't be too big a deal.
Ok, that's that. Wear my Quiksilver shirt tomorrow to Heidi's to drop her pics off, then home and shower (with glove on), then go to Paul's and watch Fight Club or something. Ok. Not a bad deal.
Alright, I'm feeling a lot better than last night.
I went ahead and visited Alicia at TJ Maxx (yeah she probably knows I'm infatuated, so what?) and it went ok.
Still everything she says rings in my ears for the rest of the day. We had basic meaningless chit-chat and I teased her about TRL, which she denied. The thing that really got me, though, was when she mentioned that Elsie had a thing for me. Heh, heh...too bad she lives in South Amboy or whatever. But what else? She went to Paul's party, (damn, shoulda went), but she said she's going to Steven's, so I'll go with her. It's basically just random thoughts...
Heidi. I hung out with her today, but it's painfully obvious we are two very different people. (plus she has a boyfriend anyway). Also, I'm NOT going to Warped Tour. Fuck. I really wanted to go, too...
Impossibles STILL stuck in my head. "Hey! Hey! I can see the surface from there. Hey! Hey! Choking up and gasping for air...telephone never heard a ring..." and so on.
But, to elaborate on the Elsie thing, that'd be really perfect. Okay, she is definitely really good for me. Happy and crazy, but not just to look good socially. She doesn't bullshit. But, again, it's a distance thing. I'm just imagining it, though. Me and Elsie, Dan and Alicia, Mary and Courtney (who's the obvious man out [for once]). That'd be pretty sweet...
Still everything she says rings in my ears for the rest of the day. We had basic meaningless chit-chat and I teased her about TRL, which she denied. The thing that really got me, though, was when she mentioned that Elsie had a thing for me. Heh, heh...too bad she lives in South Amboy or whatever. But what else? She went to Paul's party, (damn, shoulda went), but she said she's going to Steven's, so I'll go with her. It's basically just random thoughts...
Heidi. I hung out with her today, but it's painfully obvious we are two very different people. (plus she has a boyfriend anyway). Also, I'm NOT going to Warped Tour. Fuck. I really wanted to go, too...
Impossibles STILL stuck in my head. "Hey! Hey! I can see the surface from there. Hey! Hey! Choking up and gasping for air...telephone never heard a ring..." and so on.
But, to elaborate on the Elsie thing, that'd be really perfect. Okay, she is definitely really good for me. Happy and crazy, but not just to look good socially. She doesn't bullshit. But, again, it's a distance thing. I'm just imagining it, though. Me and Elsie, Dan and Alicia, Mary and Courtney (who's the obvious man out [for once]). That'd be pretty sweet...
Fuck. Why can't I just get to sleep?
I have a million thoughts running around in my head every time I close my eyes.
It's 4:15 in the morning and I'm at Grandma's house. I went from the couch in her room to the couch in the living room and I couldn't get near sleeping on either. Now, I'm wide awake. And so is Grandma. So, we're in adjacent rooms, both wide awake and not knowing when or if he other is gonna get to sleep.
As for the thoughts running in my head, it's nothing new. That's right, Alicia, Alicia, Alicia...shit, when the fuck will I get over her? Or do I want to? I mean, does she even like me as a friend now? It fucking kills me when I think that Courtney's closer to her than I am. After all that we went through this year, she decides to forget me and instead stay comfortable and only hang out with those few people.
Alicia, Dan, Courtney, and Mary. And I can say "I don't need you" till I'm blue in the face, but I don't mean it. Of course I need her, I've been pining over her for almost a year now and after making so much progression, it stops. She refuses to acknowledge me. We're mere acquaintances now, and that kills.
I'm fucking in love with her. There's no 2 ways about it. When you're away from someone this long, and you still pine over them, it's gotta be love, right?
I don't know, it's not love if the other person involved isn't participating. It must just be really strong infatuation. But, she's got me up at 4:30 thinking (and writing) about her, so it must be pretty fucking strong.
I'm over Mary. She was just a way to get closer to Alicia, I realize that now. And I'm not gonna rehash that whole ungrateful rant again, but obviously something's not right.
Ok, I'm gonna do this. Tomorrow, (or later today, I guess) I'll go to breakfast dead tired in my TCNJ shirt, blue shorts, and a hat (forward). Then, I'll either come back or if we took separate cars, I'll leave from there and go to TJ Maxx. Say hi to Alicia and joke around about TRL and other bullshit... Buy shorts and joke a little more. Hopefully, I can set up a day to hang out with her. Ask about Warped Tour and anything else.
If she's not working, go shoot yourself. Just kidding.
(fuck, I have the Impossibles CD, the entire fucking CD, stuck in my head. And Fifteen's "Stolen Life" is too.)
"Like a ton of bricks it hits and she finishes her sentence as the predicate predicts" blah, blah, blah...
The other thing on my mind is how mainstream Mary's become since going out with Courtney. MU330 replaced with Rage Against the Machine. Open-minded friends replaced with Jake F. and Kristal B. And, most likely, sXe replaced with alcohol under Courtney's influence. Fuck it.
Well now, I'm even more awake than when I started writing (not the intention). But, this stuff still lingers on my mind. I doubt I'm gonna get any sleep at all. I think I might have slept maybe an hour from 12:00-4:00 some time, but I really don't know. Seems like I've been trying to sleep the whole night. Whatever.
Hopefully I'll feel ok, tomorrow. Because I've got to look good for Alicia. Haha. Yeah, like it'll make a fucking difference. Ok, I'm gonna stop writing for the moment, but I'm sure something else will pop in my head soon.
It's 4:15 in the morning and I'm at Grandma's house. I went from the couch in her room to the couch in the living room and I couldn't get near sleeping on either. Now, I'm wide awake. And so is Grandma. So, we're in adjacent rooms, both wide awake and not knowing when or if he other is gonna get to sleep.
As for the thoughts running in my head, it's nothing new. That's right, Alicia, Alicia, Alicia...shit, when the fuck will I get over her? Or do I want to? I mean, does she even like me as a friend now? It fucking kills me when I think that Courtney's closer to her than I am. After all that we went through this year, she decides to forget me and instead stay comfortable and only hang out with those few people.
Alicia, Dan, Courtney, and Mary. And I can say "I don't need you" till I'm blue in the face, but I don't mean it. Of course I need her, I've been pining over her for almost a year now and after making so much progression, it stops. She refuses to acknowledge me. We're mere acquaintances now, and that kills.
I'm fucking in love with her. There's no 2 ways about it. When you're away from someone this long, and you still pine over them, it's gotta be love, right?
I don't know, it's not love if the other person involved isn't participating. It must just be really strong infatuation. But, she's got me up at 4:30 thinking (and writing) about her, so it must be pretty fucking strong.
I'm over Mary. She was just a way to get closer to Alicia, I realize that now. And I'm not gonna rehash that whole ungrateful rant again, but obviously something's not right.
Ok, I'm gonna do this. Tomorrow, (or later today, I guess) I'll go to breakfast dead tired in my TCNJ shirt, blue shorts, and a hat (forward). Then, I'll either come back or if we took separate cars, I'll leave from there and go to TJ Maxx. Say hi to Alicia and joke around about TRL and other bullshit... Buy shorts and joke a little more. Hopefully, I can set up a day to hang out with her. Ask about Warped Tour and anything else.
If she's not working, go shoot yourself. Just kidding.
(fuck, I have the Impossibles CD, the entire fucking CD, stuck in my head. And Fifteen's "Stolen Life" is too.)
"Like a ton of bricks it hits and she finishes her sentence as the predicate predicts" blah, blah, blah...
The other thing on my mind is how mainstream Mary's become since going out with Courtney. MU330 replaced with Rage Against the Machine. Open-minded friends replaced with Jake F. and Kristal B. And, most likely, sXe replaced with alcohol under Courtney's influence. Fuck it.
Well now, I'm even more awake than when I started writing (not the intention). But, this stuff still lingers on my mind. I doubt I'm gonna get any sleep at all. I think I might have slept maybe an hour from 12:00-4:00 some time, but I really don't know. Seems like I've been trying to sleep the whole night. Whatever.
Hopefully I'll feel ok, tomorrow. Because I've got to look good for Alicia. Haha. Yeah, like it'll make a fucking difference. Ok, I'm gonna stop writing for the moment, but I'm sure something else will pop in my head soon.
Well, I've been getting deep enough into my consciousness
to try and map out and label what it is I'm feeling.
Well, this is a little harder, because it's all about sex as a mental issue. It felt like sex is a sinful practice for kids who like to piss their parents off and rebel. The way it's presented, I wanted no part of it. Especially how presented by Eric, Mike, Jake, even cousin Matt.
But, fact is, I do feel it belongs somewhere in my life. And if Heidi's the one then fine.
But I don't see it like that. I really have to spend more time with her and get to know her a lot better, because there IS potential there. And, of course, a lot of baggage comes with it. Will she accept my family? Will they accept her? Do I even really like her? Does she even like her boyfriend? Does he respect her? Why are they never together? How will I 'perform'? When and where possibly? How will I feel after?
Well, I think she'd accept my family. I mean especially if I do the trick I was planning for Amy#2. If she dresses a little, just a little, more conservative, family (mom and sis) would accept her. I think I like her. I mean, she's very easy to talk to and we can be jokey, although our musical interests, and political interests might vary.
But I have stuff in common with her and she IS very good-looking. Not to mention very comfortable (as shown by the movies) and very open (as seen by the conversation on the ride home) with me. But, she has dated scumbags.
"Special K", her boyfriend, kinda scares me, even though I never met him. So, with that, there's the whole disease issue. And that's fucking scary. I have got to make a promise to myself to have the balls to ask about her (or anyone's) past before anything progresses. And that might kill the relationship, but I need to know for my own personal safety.
All the other shit would progress eventually. I'll see what comes up and go for what feels right. I'm all about what feels right.
Well, this is a little harder, because it's all about sex as a mental issue. It felt like sex is a sinful practice for kids who like to piss their parents off and rebel. The way it's presented, I wanted no part of it. Especially how presented by Eric, Mike, Jake, even cousin Matt.
But, fact is, I do feel it belongs somewhere in my life. And if Heidi's the one then fine.
But I don't see it like that. I really have to spend more time with her and get to know her a lot better, because there IS potential there. And, of course, a lot of baggage comes with it. Will she accept my family? Will they accept her? Do I even really like her? Does she even like her boyfriend? Does he respect her? Why are they never together? How will I 'perform'? When and where possibly? How will I feel after?
Well, I think she'd accept my family. I mean especially if I do the trick I was planning for Amy#2. If she dresses a little, just a little, more conservative, family (mom and sis) would accept her. I think I like her. I mean, she's very easy to talk to and we can be jokey, although our musical interests, and political interests might vary.
But I have stuff in common with her and she IS very good-looking. Not to mention very comfortable (as shown by the movies) and very open (as seen by the conversation on the ride home) with me. But, she has dated scumbags.
"Special K", her boyfriend, kinda scares me, even though I never met him. So, with that, there's the whole disease issue. And that's fucking scary. I have got to make a promise to myself to have the balls to ask about her (or anyone's) past before anything progresses. And that might kill the relationship, but I need to know for my own personal safety.
All the other shit would progress eventually. I'll see what comes up and go for what feels right. I'm all about what feels right.
Ok, bored as hell
And feeling a little lonely.
Paul's working, and I'm sure Alicia is, too. I went off on Alicia and Mary last thought.
Paul's working, and I'm sure Alicia is, too. I went off on Alicia and Mary last thought.
Alright, connections.
I'm all about connections and I really think I got Heidi to open up to me tonight. Aside from a lot of the things that would have stood out in my mind a mere couple of months ago, like her shirt or the way she sat at the movies, I really was more interested in her. Her as a human being talking to me and telling me what her real problems are.
While Eric may be able to talk his way into whatever he wants, his intention is purely manipulation. That's the complete opposite of what I want. See, with Eric, he feels satisfaction from the most basic perspective imaginable--acceptance, control, and physical.
This is why he feels the need to go and tell about all his exploits and this is why he's very concerned about saving face in front of his peers (esp. w/ Kathy) and this is why he uses everyone else, instead of connecting and feeling a genuine good feeling, he uses society's plan for happiness, and he gets a false sense of self-esteem and self-satisfaction.
Me, on the other hand, I'm a realist. If something doesn't feel right to me, I can't just repress that feeling and think "hey, it can't be what I'm REALLY feeling, because what I'm really feeling is told to me by the outside world".
No, bullshit.
I'm the expert on me, not my peers, or the media, or anyone who thinks they can know more about me than I do. I DO mumble when I talk, though. It's because sometimes I really don't know what to say and I hate awkward silences, so I say something, anything, and hope she'll play it off as interested. I'm beginning to get over that, though.
Ok, I went off on a tangent for personal exploration, which really is the point of this thought book (that and venting my rage, gotta vent my rage), but I'm still thinking about what went down.
Onto less general things, like seeing Mary and Becky and having Courtney talk about taking Alicia to TRL (what the fuck?). I'm still not completely over that whole group. I get jealous when Courtney gets all this fun with them with me--Alicia's only confidant and the only one that would listen with an open mind--getting shafted. I guess I was just a means for her to vent when she was scared or angry or excited and when she was done, she could just throw me out.
I'm like this fucking book to her. She can get everything out of her system and just close me and open me whenever she wants to. I guess it never occurred to her that I could fall like a fucking brick for her. Or that I could have any attachment at all before she severs it without thinking twice.
And Mary, ha! She's just as bad!
I've figured them out. "Why didn't you hang out with US?" Yeah, Mary, I'm gonna call you and Courtney and say "hey guys, wanna drop your regular plans of doing something really fun and exciting together and instead spend the day with a third wheel? Well, do you?" Forget about the time I went to the Macaroni Grill with you when no one else would because of the prom. Forget about the time I sat through hell at the volleyball tournament at the HS because everyone else didn't want to or was participating in it (yeah, Courtney). Forget it. You were doing ME a favor by hanging out with me. I should be thanking YOU! I should be grateful. Well, you and Alicia and Dan and Courtney and Brendan and Becky, you go have the time of your lives without me. Instead of good old, positive happy Brian, go hang out with cooler-than-thou rockstar scumbag Josh, or no-personality can't-even-look-you-in-the-eyes Corey2.
Keep your jocks, rockstars, and kings of their respective scenes. Stereotypes are always so much more fun than real people, because stereotypes are just so much easier to figure out. All their stats are in check. Sure, what they eat or how they dress and talk may vary, but they stay in their respective stereotype, because to shatter it is to shatter one's whole self-image, and then they'd have to think rationally and make on-the-fly decisions and live in a constant state of chaos.
Oh, no...this faux-chaos is much easier to swallow. It's still the norm, so it's ok, but it's varying, so that makes it cool. Fuck, I hate the stereotypes.
And Alicia, forget about when I would wait with you after school when you couldn't find Alison for a ride home. Or when I fucking gave you rides home when you got in your car accident. Or when I held your hand at graduation because you were so nervous. Or every fucking time I would be the only one to listen and understand your problems. Forget it. Instead, go hang out with those fake fucking personalities who put on a show for you. Once the tables are turned, you'd rather be entertained than to deal with anyone else's problems.
Yet, I still can't stay mad at her. She always gets a reprieve. It never ever fails. I've got to call Nate and I know when she answers, I'll talk to her like nothing happened. Oh, well...there's the story of my life.
While Eric may be able to talk his way into whatever he wants, his intention is purely manipulation. That's the complete opposite of what I want. See, with Eric, he feels satisfaction from the most basic perspective imaginable--acceptance, control, and physical.
This is why he feels the need to go and tell about all his exploits and this is why he's very concerned about saving face in front of his peers (esp. w/ Kathy) and this is why he uses everyone else, instead of connecting and feeling a genuine good feeling, he uses society's plan for happiness, and he gets a false sense of self-esteem and self-satisfaction.
Me, on the other hand, I'm a realist. If something doesn't feel right to me, I can't just repress that feeling and think "hey, it can't be what I'm REALLY feeling, because what I'm really feeling is told to me by the outside world".
No, bullshit.
I'm the expert on me, not my peers, or the media, or anyone who thinks they can know more about me than I do. I DO mumble when I talk, though. It's because sometimes I really don't know what to say and I hate awkward silences, so I say something, anything, and hope she'll play it off as interested. I'm beginning to get over that, though.
Ok, I went off on a tangent for personal exploration, which really is the point of this thought book (that and venting my rage, gotta vent my rage), but I'm still thinking about what went down.
Onto less general things, like seeing Mary and Becky and having Courtney talk about taking Alicia to TRL (what the fuck?). I'm still not completely over that whole group. I get jealous when Courtney gets all this fun with them with me--Alicia's only confidant and the only one that would listen with an open mind--getting shafted. I guess I was just a means for her to vent when she was scared or angry or excited and when she was done, she could just throw me out.
I'm like this fucking book to her. She can get everything out of her system and just close me and open me whenever she wants to. I guess it never occurred to her that I could fall like a fucking brick for her. Or that I could have any attachment at all before she severs it without thinking twice.
And Mary, ha! She's just as bad!
I've figured them out. "Why didn't you hang out with US?" Yeah, Mary, I'm gonna call you and Courtney and say "hey guys, wanna drop your regular plans of doing something really fun and exciting together and instead spend the day with a third wheel? Well, do you?" Forget about the time I went to the Macaroni Grill with you when no one else would because of the prom. Forget about the time I sat through hell at the volleyball tournament at the HS because everyone else didn't want to or was participating in it (yeah, Courtney). Forget it. You were doing ME a favor by hanging out with me. I should be thanking YOU! I should be grateful. Well, you and Alicia and Dan and Courtney and Brendan and Becky, you go have the time of your lives without me. Instead of good old, positive happy Brian, go hang out with cooler-than-thou rockstar scumbag Josh, or no-personality can't-even-look-you-in-the-eyes Corey2.
Keep your jocks, rockstars, and kings of their respective scenes. Stereotypes are always so much more fun than real people, because stereotypes are just so much easier to figure out. All their stats are in check. Sure, what they eat or how they dress and talk may vary, but they stay in their respective stereotype, because to shatter it is to shatter one's whole self-image, and then they'd have to think rationally and make on-the-fly decisions and live in a constant state of chaos.
Oh, no...this faux-chaos is much easier to swallow. It's still the norm, so it's ok, but it's varying, so that makes it cool. Fuck, I hate the stereotypes.
And Alicia, forget about when I would wait with you after school when you couldn't find Alison for a ride home. Or when I fucking gave you rides home when you got in your car accident. Or when I held your hand at graduation because you were so nervous. Or every fucking time I would be the only one to listen and understand your problems. Forget it. Instead, go hang out with those fake fucking personalities who put on a show for you. Once the tables are turned, you'd rather be entertained than to deal with anyone else's problems.
Yet, I still can't stay mad at her. She always gets a reprieve. It never ever fails. I've got to call Nate and I know when she answers, I'll talk to her like nothing happened. Oh, well...there's the story of my life.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
So, I finally talk to Heidi
and we have a decent conversation which I mentioned.
But she still has a boyfriend. Although, I really don't think he's for her.
And now the deal is if he can't go to the Warped Tour, then I'll go with Heidi. If he can go, then I sit on my ass and wish I were there. I think I'm gonna go though. Damn that would be great. There's no bands that I LOVE there, and a lot of it is really trendy and MTV-ish, but it'll be fun nonetheless, because it's a road trip with someone I can enjoy being with and also, I'd like to see NOFX, Millencolin and Hot Water Music, plus Dillinger Escape Plan and some others. It'll be cool. Ok, so now I have that to possibly look forward to.
I'm a little too complacent, I think. My only options are Amy#2 and Heidi and I'm not very close to either of them. What do I do? That's been the question for the past year of my life. From Becky to Alicia to Mary and now Amy#2/Christina/Heidi, I still haven't had a real fucking relationship yet and I'm dying for one. But, who knows?
But she still has a boyfriend. Although, I really don't think he's for her.
And now the deal is if he can't go to the Warped Tour, then I'll go with Heidi. If he can go, then I sit on my ass and wish I were there. I think I'm gonna go though. Damn that would be great. There's no bands that I LOVE there, and a lot of it is really trendy and MTV-ish, but it'll be fun nonetheless, because it's a road trip with someone I can enjoy being with and also, I'd like to see NOFX, Millencolin and Hot Water Music, plus Dillinger Escape Plan and some others. It'll be cool. Ok, so now I have that to possibly look forward to.
I'm a little too complacent, I think. My only options are Amy#2 and Heidi and I'm not very close to either of them. What do I do? That's been the question for the past year of my life. From Becky to Alicia to Mary and now Amy#2/Christina/Heidi, I still haven't had a real fucking relationship yet and I'm dying for one. But, who knows?
Alright, time to get personal.
A couple things floating around in my mind. First is the whole Heidi issue. Do I respect her? I don't know. She called me today, but we just went off on meaningless chit-chat shit. She's scared of fish, haha. See, that's what I love, opening up weird-ass things
--train of thought stopped--
and being able to laugh and talk like that.
But I can't help but think it's a whole acceptance thing. I won't lie, she's damn hot, but I'm used to being an out-of-place.
Shit, I'm stuck here with the dog and I'm cleaning his piss on a beautiful day. It's 10 after 2 and I'm still in my sleep clothes. I'm sorta complacent though, since I do have a lot to look forward to. My Impossibles CD still didn't come, so that sucks. I want to go to the mall and pick up my Mumia book, but I know Mom'll call just as I leave. Shit, I hate being trapped here. I can't help but think I could be so much more.
But I have a special feeling being around those who don't quite fit. Jake, Paul, Jeff--Eric, I don't know.
...Paul-2, Nate, even Steven (although he's very phony and FUCKING ANNOYING). But it's like--no competition. Dorks are my best friends. Curtis, too. They're not accepted, even by the "open-minded" punks. But I will. I do want to go to Paul-2's going away party. Sure it's gonna be Babbage's dorks and stuff, but I don't care. I just wish I'd paid more attention when he mentioned the dates.
I still have Nate's CD. I don't know if Alicia--the biggest thing on my mind during senior year--knows, or even cares about what I'm doing. I really think she's found that superiority that I fucking hate in girls. I was fucking infatuated when she was innocent and truly believed in listening to me and had an honest-to-god interest when I was pissed, or sad, or even happy.
Now, she lives for Dan and only Dan. Well, he's probably back in Boston by now, maybe Alicia will call me, her back-up, her lesser scumbag, now tht he's gone.
But I can't get mad at her. I really feel no connection with Heidi. She's very different. With Alicia, I felt something, until the novelty wore off and I simply became palatable and easy to swallow.
What does that mean?
Well, what I've learned is that most chicks I've come into contact with go for these cooler-than-thou kids who never open up and stay SHROUDED IN MYSTERY. They'd rather be be in awe of their guy friends, or boyfriends, than have someone who they an open up to and agree about things with. The rock star, the king of the scene, the drug abuser, the alcoholic, the jock. It's fucked up that there's competition to see who's higher up on the food chain, and that everyone accepts this way. Including both sexes.
But I refuse. I can't accept that, because then I'd have to lie to myself and to everyone else to get a false sense of fulfillment. I still feel unsatisfied lying, even a little, to remain in the social pipeline. I still haven't really found someone like me. Or to complete me.
Alicia and I share a lot of the same beliefs, but there's still a big difference because she has so much power over me. And it hurts me to let it go. I really don't want to, I don't want to be comfortable, but I don't want to be uncomfortable.
Ok, I'm gonna end this rambling now. Very pointless.
--train of thought stopped--
and being able to laugh and talk like that.
But I can't help but think it's a whole acceptance thing. I won't lie, she's damn hot, but I'm used to being an out-of-place.
Shit, I'm stuck here with the dog and I'm cleaning his piss on a beautiful day. It's 10 after 2 and I'm still in my sleep clothes. I'm sorta complacent though, since I do have a lot to look forward to. My Impossibles CD still didn't come, so that sucks. I want to go to the mall and pick up my Mumia book, but I know Mom'll call just as I leave. Shit, I hate being trapped here. I can't help but think I could be so much more.
But I have a special feeling being around those who don't quite fit. Jake, Paul, Jeff--Eric, I don't know.
...Paul-2, Nate, even Steven (although he's very phony and FUCKING ANNOYING). But it's like--no competition. Dorks are my best friends. Curtis, too. They're not accepted, even by the "open-minded" punks. But I will. I do want to go to Paul-2's going away party. Sure it's gonna be Babbage's dorks and stuff, but I don't care. I just wish I'd paid more attention when he mentioned the dates.
I still have Nate's CD. I don't know if Alicia--the biggest thing on my mind during senior year--knows, or even cares about what I'm doing. I really think she's found that superiority that I fucking hate in girls. I was fucking infatuated when she was innocent and truly believed in listening to me and had an honest-to-god interest when I was pissed, or sad, or even happy.
Now, she lives for Dan and only Dan. Well, he's probably back in Boston by now, maybe Alicia will call me, her back-up, her lesser scumbag, now tht he's gone.
But I can't get mad at her. I really feel no connection with Heidi. She's very different. With Alicia, I felt something, until the novelty wore off and I simply became palatable and easy to swallow.
What does that mean?
Well, what I've learned is that most chicks I've come into contact with go for these cooler-than-thou kids who never open up and stay SHROUDED IN MYSTERY. They'd rather be be in awe of their guy friends, or boyfriends, than have someone who they an open up to and agree about things with. The rock star, the king of the scene, the drug abuser, the alcoholic, the jock. It's fucked up that there's competition to see who's higher up on the food chain, and that everyone accepts this way. Including both sexes.
But I refuse. I can't accept that, because then I'd have to lie to myself and to everyone else to get a false sense of fulfillment. I still feel unsatisfied lying, even a little, to remain in the social pipeline. I still haven't really found someone like me. Or to complete me.
Alicia and I share a lot of the same beliefs, but there's still a big difference because she has so much power over me. And it hurts me to let it go. I really don't want to, I don't want to be comfortable, but I don't want to be uncomfortable.
Ok, I'm gonna end this rambling now. Very pointless.
Shit.
I hate to write this because I don't even really feel like thinking about it. Now that the dog is sick, I'm gonna be pressured to stay home when mom is away. Now that's not too bad, but what sucks is that she's gonna be here more often and I'm not gonna really ahve days like this where I can just call someone and leave a general "went out" note.
Now, I guess it'll be just as easy to say a general "going out" statement or give a general description (like "a bunch of people") or something, so I guess it won't be all that bad. Okay, now, obviously I can't call Heidi tomorrow, since I'm trapped at home with the dog. So, I'm gonna have to wait longer and longer, and all the while she loses more and more interest in me.
I know! I go into Shop Rite tomorrow and find her and talk to her. Now, most likely her and Amy#2 both will be there, so I'll have to be cautious. I would rather Amy#2 than Heidi, but I have a better chance with Heidi, and that's that.
So I'll go in, find Eric or Mike, drop off film and get money orders and seek out the playing field. If Diana, Megan, Amy#2, Christina, Amy#1, Heidi are all there, (plus Joan and Ivey) then I'll try my best to be personable and personal to them. And try my best to leave ther with better chances of either than when I first went in. It's gonna be tough, on both me and the girls, but I can do it, because I have to. It's healthy to interact and get in situations like this. And if all else fails, it's good material for the PB zine. That's always my last option.
Now, I guess it'll be just as easy to say a general "going out" statement or give a general description (like "a bunch of people") or something, so I guess it won't be all that bad. Okay, now, obviously I can't call Heidi tomorrow, since I'm trapped at home with the dog. So, I'm gonna have to wait longer and longer, and all the while she loses more and more interest in me.
I know! I go into Shop Rite tomorrow and find her and talk to her. Now, most likely her and Amy#2 both will be there, so I'll have to be cautious. I would rather Amy#2 than Heidi, but I have a better chance with Heidi, and that's that.
So I'll go in, find Eric or Mike, drop off film and get money orders and seek out the playing field. If Diana, Megan, Amy#2, Christina, Amy#1, Heidi are all there, (plus Joan and Ivey) then I'll try my best to be personable and personal to them. And try my best to leave ther with better chances of either than when I first went in. It's gonna be tough, on both me and the girls, but I can do it, because I have to. It's healthy to interact and get in situations like this. And if all else fails, it's good material for the PB zine. That's always my last option.
Jeez
It just took me like 2 minutes to think of the word "elaborate".
It just made me think how much education is stifled in high school, because people with an advanced vocabulary soon dumb everything they say down to conform to the other kids.
It just made me think how much education is stifled in high school, because people with an advanced vocabulary soon dumb everything they say down to conform to the other kids.
Malcolm X says all women are fragile and weak by nature
and are looking for a man to provide strength. I disagree.
Women, just like men, deep inside, are looking for a connection. A strong connection between them. When looking at the world through the weak and fragile female and the detached unemotional rock of a male, that's where a lot of relationships get fucked up. Unfortunately, X's philosophy is the one most people believe. And while society would rather teach us this, because it's more comfortable and palatable to see women not as equal humans but as these weak lesser beings which need strength and only strength, that immediately allows males to get away with raping, assaulting, dominating, and further disprespecting women, as long as we give them what they truly need, which is "strength", whatever that may be.
-I can sympathize with, but can never ever understand the black man's struggle. I am a white, middle class male and I've just recently realized that I was born into this country a level up on many. I've never had to struggle for acceptance and survival like minorities do. So I won't even pretend I know what they're going through.
-I have to use college to simply further my education in fields I'm most interested in. Philosophy is a great start. Sure, the liberal arts shit is a distraction (I'm never going to need calculus or physics outside in my life), but I can get past that and learn what I truly want to learn.
Everywhere I turn, people say "hey, there's good money in this-and-that" or "there's a lot of good jobs in this field" and I'd listen scared of my future, and say to myself "I'd better listen, because I don't want a major that's gonna keep me out of a job"
When you're fmall and ignorant (most of the kids going into college), you think of college as a natural progression in order to get a job and be "successful". "Success" means getting a job that pays a lot of money. So instead of going to college for education and enlightenment, you should go to school so you can be a "success".
Fuck that philosophy.
I, from this point forward, will NOT live my life out of a necessity to "succeed" and prove myself to family or peers. I can't lie fo myself. I refuse to choose a major simply because it may lead to "success" in the future. Because that's not how I define success. Success, to me, is whatever completes you deep inside. And every luxury and all the money in the world cannot do that.
So, in order to try to find true success, one has to look much deeper than a huge house, 2 luxury cars, a giant pool, and a beautiful wife. That's all superficial material bullshit.
Capitalism is a cancer of the mind. Too many people try and buy satisfaction. It can't be done. It just can't. Discovering one's true passion in life and becoming fully enlightened in this passion, whatever it may be, is the true path to success.
Also, people try to find success in a romantic partner. While a person to share your life with is a beautiful and mysterious thing, it is not the be-all and end-all. Too many people believe that that one person is their life's destiny and without him or her, they can't go on. Fate and destiny are bullshit. There is no way that there is one and only one person for any given person on earth. It may be rare and very difficult to find said person, but there are billions of people in this world, and there are bound to be thousands, if not millions, of people with whom you could share life.
Success and fulfillment go hand in hand. And while people love to think simplistically and always need a dollar amount or some way to judge who is more successful than who, it just can't be counted in dollars and cents. It's a feeling. And some try and create it artificially through drugs, parties, and promiscuous sex, but in the end, it can only be achieved by those willing to go an extra step and look deeper into life than most do now.
Note: one's true passion can be ANYTHING. Colleges try to label each individual with subjects and majors, but it truly does go much, much deeper than that.
Women, just like men, deep inside, are looking for a connection. A strong connection between them. When looking at the world through the weak and fragile female and the detached unemotional rock of a male, that's where a lot of relationships get fucked up. Unfortunately, X's philosophy is the one most people believe. And while society would rather teach us this, because it's more comfortable and palatable to see women not as equal humans but as these weak lesser beings which need strength and only strength, that immediately allows males to get away with raping, assaulting, dominating, and further disprespecting women, as long as we give them what they truly need, which is "strength", whatever that may be.
-I can sympathize with, but can never ever understand the black man's struggle. I am a white, middle class male and I've just recently realized that I was born into this country a level up on many. I've never had to struggle for acceptance and survival like minorities do. So I won't even pretend I know what they're going through.
-I have to use college to simply further my education in fields I'm most interested in. Philosophy is a great start. Sure, the liberal arts shit is a distraction (I'm never going to need calculus or physics outside in my life), but I can get past that and learn what I truly want to learn.
Everywhere I turn, people say "hey, there's good money in this-and-that" or "there's a lot of good jobs in this field" and I'd listen scared of my future, and say to myself "I'd better listen, because I don't want a major that's gonna keep me out of a job"
When you're fmall and ignorant (most of the kids going into college), you think of college as a natural progression in order to get a job and be "successful". "Success" means getting a job that pays a lot of money. So instead of going to college for education and enlightenment, you should go to school so you can be a "success".
Fuck that philosophy.
I, from this point forward, will NOT live my life out of a necessity to "succeed" and prove myself to family or peers. I can't lie fo myself. I refuse to choose a major simply because it may lead to "success" in the future. Because that's not how I define success. Success, to me, is whatever completes you deep inside. And every luxury and all the money in the world cannot do that.
So, in order to try to find true success, one has to look much deeper than a huge house, 2 luxury cars, a giant pool, and a beautiful wife. That's all superficial material bullshit.
Capitalism is a cancer of the mind. Too many people try and buy satisfaction. It can't be done. It just can't. Discovering one's true passion in life and becoming fully enlightened in this passion, whatever it may be, is the true path to success.
Also, people try to find success in a romantic partner. While a person to share your life with is a beautiful and mysterious thing, it is not the be-all and end-all. Too many people believe that that one person is their life's destiny and without him or her, they can't go on. Fate and destiny are bullshit. There is no way that there is one and only one person for any given person on earth. It may be rare and very difficult to find said person, but there are billions of people in this world, and there are bound to be thousands, if not millions, of people with whom you could share life.
Success and fulfillment go hand in hand. And while people love to think simplistically and always need a dollar amount or some way to judge who is more successful than who, it just can't be counted in dollars and cents. It's a feeling. And some try and create it artificially through drugs, parties, and promiscuous sex, but in the end, it can only be achieved by those willing to go an extra step and look deeper into life than most do now.
Note: one's true passion can be ANYTHING. Colleges try to label each individual with subjects and majors, but it truly does go much, much deeper than that.
Well, I have to mow that guy's lawn again tomorrow
It's a real pain in the ass since I don't really know how good a job I'm doing. I know it's a hard yard to do, but I...damn, I can't think straight. Maybe it's because I have a lot on my mind, maybe it's because it's 1 in the morning or maybe I'm just a rambling idiot. I don't know. Ok, quick run:
Mary and Courtney at Becky's house, hanging out with Paul, still have Nate's CDs, nervous about mowing and don't know how I could quit, have to call Jake soon (or Jeff, or Eric, or someone), Heidi vs. Amy#2, Alicia and the whole "camping" thing today, (what the fuck was that about?), that's about it...ok that was easy enough. Now for sleep
Mary and Courtney at Becky's house, hanging out with Paul, still have Nate's CDs, nervous about mowing and don't know how I could quit, have to call Jake soon (or Jeff, or Eric, or someone), Heidi vs. Amy#2, Alicia and the whole "camping" thing today, (what the fuck was that about?), that's about it...ok that was easy enough. Now for sleep
"Don't gotta prove it to anyone, they're all wrong"
"Live a life of struggle, not regret"
That's some good advice. But socially, can it work? If I struggle and remain persistent in calling or talking or meeting, will that benefit me? Yes!
Another quote that coincides with it: "Well I tried, didn't I? God dammit, at least I did that"
Because if they don't want to hang out with you anyway, calling isn't going to HURT things. Sure, it'll make you come off as desperate, but only to them, who don't like you anyway, so go out and try, dammit!
But when? I've called, in the past week, without a reply: Alicia, Eric (twice), Sharon, Heidi. And for the whole summer: Amy#2, Jake. It seems hopeless because it looks as if I've done something that they resent. But what the hell did I do? Whatever. I've tried and tried. And it ends up that Paul and Curtis are the only ones responding to me at least semi-consistently.
20 days...20 days until my life starts. It's getting more and more in my vision and mroe tangible with each passing day. I got my schedule, I got my room and roommate (Curtis), now I need to live and try to START life for real. Life starts in 20 days...and counting...
That's some good advice. But socially, can it work? If I struggle and remain persistent in calling or talking or meeting, will that benefit me? Yes!
Another quote that coincides with it: "Well I tried, didn't I? God dammit, at least I did that"
Because if they don't want to hang out with you anyway, calling isn't going to HURT things. Sure, it'll make you come off as desperate, but only to them, who don't like you anyway, so go out and try, dammit!
But when? I've called, in the past week, without a reply: Alicia, Eric (twice), Sharon, Heidi. And for the whole summer: Amy#2, Jake. It seems hopeless because it looks as if I've done something that they resent. But what the hell did I do? Whatever. I've tried and tried. And it ends up that Paul and Curtis are the only ones responding to me at least semi-consistently.
20 days...20 days until my life starts. It's getting more and more in my vision and mroe tangible with each passing day. I got my schedule, I got my room and roommate (Curtis), now I need to live and try to START life for real. Life starts in 20 days...and counting...
OK, I'd just about given up on Amy#2
when I see her at the movies.
Fate?
Probably not, I just see it as a weird coincidence that the DAY before I'm going to call her enemy Heidi, all the while thinking, "hey, I think I like Amy#2 more", I fucking see Amy.
Dammit, why tonight? Well, I was still glad to see her. Damn, she looked good. Outside of her work clothes, she looks so much better.
Oh, well. I still think I should call Heidi and hang out tomorrow. If something as simple as that pisses Amy#2 off, then it wasn't meant to be anyway. But I think she's socially passive enough to talk to me whenever and hopefully we can find an interest.
The only thing that completely pisses me off is when she mentions other guys. "Yeah I was going to hang out w/ ____ today, but he went to the beach. I went out with him freshman year. He's' an old flame."
OH! I really do want to hear about him, too... Really! Dammit. From Tim (aah...) to Eric to this guy. I really can't stand it. But she gets a reprieve, at least subconsciously, because she's good-looking. It's just not fair.
So the plan for tomorrow is, go to the mall with Curtis, come home and if I haven't gotten a call from Amy#2 by 1-1:30ish, I call Heidi and we hang out. The next couple days, relax or hang w/ Curtis/Jake/Eric/Paul/Alicia/Jeff (?) and call Amy#2 after and hang out with her.
If she doesn't want to, then fine--fuck you, but if she does, then great, and take if from there. See who you connect with more, who you enjoy their company more, who you feel more relaxed with, and judge from that and go after her. Play it all by ear.
Fate?
Probably not, I just see it as a weird coincidence that the DAY before I'm going to call her enemy Heidi, all the while thinking, "hey, I think I like Amy#2 more", I fucking see Amy.
Dammit, why tonight? Well, I was still glad to see her. Damn, she looked good. Outside of her work clothes, she looks so much better.
Oh, well. I still think I should call Heidi and hang out tomorrow. If something as simple as that pisses Amy#2 off, then it wasn't meant to be anyway. But I think she's socially passive enough to talk to me whenever and hopefully we can find an interest.
The only thing that completely pisses me off is when she mentions other guys. "Yeah I was going to hang out w/ ____ today, but he went to the beach. I went out with him freshman year. He's' an old flame."
OH! I really do want to hear about him, too... Really! Dammit. From Tim (aah...) to Eric to this guy. I really can't stand it. But she gets a reprieve, at least subconsciously, because she's good-looking. It's just not fair.
So the plan for tomorrow is, go to the mall with Curtis, come home and if I haven't gotten a call from Amy#2 by 1-1:30ish, I call Heidi and we hang out. The next couple days, relax or hang w/ Curtis/Jake/Eric/Paul/Alicia/Jeff (?) and call Amy#2 after and hang out with her.
If she doesn't want to, then fine--fuck you, but if she does, then great, and take if from there. See who you connect with more, who you enjoy their company more, who you feel more relaxed with, and judge from that and go after her. Play it all by ear.
I'm all nervous again.
Shit, she does the weirdest shit to me. When I call, I'll ask for Alicia, not Nate. If I think it's Nate answering, I'll talk to him and tell him I'll drop his CD off and ask if Alicia is there.
What the fuck do I say?
"Hi Alicia, what's up?", "What have you been up to?", "I was in Vermont for a week", "What are you up to?", "I'm not doing anything, I've got your brother's CD and I was gonna drop it off and wanted to make sure you guys were home"
Blah blah blah
If it gets all weird, then leave because you're going to your cousin's baseball game. Just remember, you've fallen for her and she said we're friends, but if she'd rather spend time with her boyfriend and never stray from her little microcosm of life, then fine, all I want to do is get this CD off my hands then.
I'll acknowledge Nate, but I don't feel like hanging out with him. He's not defined enough, I think. I can't talk past "did you hear _______'s new CD?" or "Lets do a random act of juvenile terrorism".
Oh well, now to call.
What the fuck do I say?
"Hi Alicia, what's up?", "What have you been up to?", "I was in Vermont for a week", "What are you up to?", "I'm not doing anything, I've got your brother's CD and I was gonna drop it off and wanted to make sure you guys were home"
Blah blah blah
If it gets all weird, then leave because you're going to your cousin's baseball game. Just remember, you've fallen for her and she said we're friends, but if she'd rather spend time with her boyfriend and never stray from her little microcosm of life, then fine, all I want to do is get this CD off my hands then.
I'll acknowledge Nate, but I don't feel like hanging out with him. He's not defined enough, I think. I can't talk past "did you hear _______'s new CD?" or "Lets do a random act of juvenile terrorism".
Oh well, now to call.
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