I hate to end this book with such non-news. It's just that the past few days (or weeks, I guess) have been grudgingly boring. With Paul and Curtis (w/ Sharon) away on vacation, and Heidi, Alicia, and Eric not returning my calls, I've ahd nowhere to turn. Luckily, Curtis will be back tomorrow, but I just wish I had some female companionship once in a while.
Regrets?
Not too many. Maybe that's why I'm taking this a little better. If I could do it again, I would have hung out with Diana and Megan a couple times, or at least once. I would have gotten Christina's number before leaving Shop Rite. But that's about it. I've tried. "At least I did that".
I called Heidi, Alicia to just even talk. I called Eric to hang out. I didn't do EVERYTHING I wanted (Red Bank, girlfriend), but then again, there are 2 weeks+ left, so wahtever.
In 18 days, my life begins anew. I can't guarantee it'll be better, but I hope to God it is. The rest of my summer, my agenda is pretty bare:
-Get in touch with Alicia one way or another
-Hang out with Eric one day
-Maybe visit Shop Rite again
And what a coincidence, in the middle of writing this, Paul calls.
AND I'M OUT.
(ed--end of Vol.2)
Monday, March 29, 2010
Ok, so as fate would have it
Curtis and I were selected to room together at TCNJ.
Now, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited about it. But while it does ease a lot of tension and fear, maybe I need that. But whatever. I got a break, so I'm not gonna complain about it.
But what this means is that I'm going to have to restructure a lot of my relationship with Curtis. We're best friends, that's granted, but I usually keep my personal politics and other friends separate from him. Not because I don't think he could handle it, but because he probably doesn't want to.
BUT, now that I'm gonna be living with him I'm going to have to be ME all the way. And I'm a progressive leftist. And I'm a prankster. I'm a jokester, but with an agenda. And he's got a taste of it now, but I'm going to live the way I want to fully at college. With no restrictions on account of his or anyone else's judgment. Only 20 more days. Shit, I can't wait. I'm genuinely excited. This is definitely more excited than I've ever been. I literally CANNOT WAIT. I've got to remain dormant or do something to pass this time.
Another thing on my mind is what I'm leaving behind, though. I never did hang out with Megan or Diana. Or Amy#2 or Christina. And I stopped hanging out with Heidi. Eric won't call me back and I can't imagine why. Jeff and I stopped communicating. Smith, I never intended on hanging out with. But still, that whole crew I lost touch with. Alicia and I only talk if there's a reason. (like if I'm picking up her brother or borrowing something). It kinda sucks that basically all my possible friendships or relationships just died like that. Was it my fault?
I don't know. I tried. Well, okay, not really with Megan or Diana. And I could have actually called Amy#2. Or gotten Christina's number. But Heidi should know that I like her, if only as a friend. And Eric should know that I really enjoy hanging out with him. I know he knows I called, and he knows I know, so why does he continue to ignore me? We had some of the best times at Shop Rite, and we were really open with each other. He would always come to me if he had a problem, and I would always listen. Plus, we had like a million inside jokes. That's a good gauge to judge a friendship on, too. Because it shows that you have shared an experience or at least find a common recurring thing funny, so, I think he's still interested in being friends, but right now I'm not expecting a call.
Weird. That right after I write in PB about how destiny is bullshit, I get roomed with Curtis. Weird.
I'm also feeling alive politically. After reading up Jello Biafra's rantings and then discovering myself the political leanings in the 2SJ's CD, it's given me a fresh resurgence in what to think and how to act. I love that feeling.
RetroZine got the ball rolling, but the lighter and positive writings and music is what keeps it moving now, although I still LOVE Retro.
Okay, this is a pretty positive writing considering my boredom and loneliness over the past few days. I guess college is keeping my head up.
GOOD NIGHT.
Now, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited about it. But while it does ease a lot of tension and fear, maybe I need that. But whatever. I got a break, so I'm not gonna complain about it.
But what this means is that I'm going to have to restructure a lot of my relationship with Curtis. We're best friends, that's granted, but I usually keep my personal politics and other friends separate from him. Not because I don't think he could handle it, but because he probably doesn't want to.
BUT, now that I'm gonna be living with him I'm going to have to be ME all the way. And I'm a progressive leftist. And I'm a prankster. I'm a jokester, but with an agenda. And he's got a taste of it now, but I'm going to live the way I want to fully at college. With no restrictions on account of his or anyone else's judgment. Only 20 more days. Shit, I can't wait. I'm genuinely excited. This is definitely more excited than I've ever been. I literally CANNOT WAIT. I've got to remain dormant or do something to pass this time.
Another thing on my mind is what I'm leaving behind, though. I never did hang out with Megan or Diana. Or Amy#2 or Christina. And I stopped hanging out with Heidi. Eric won't call me back and I can't imagine why. Jeff and I stopped communicating. Smith, I never intended on hanging out with. But still, that whole crew I lost touch with. Alicia and I only talk if there's a reason. (like if I'm picking up her brother or borrowing something). It kinda sucks that basically all my possible friendships or relationships just died like that. Was it my fault?
I don't know. I tried. Well, okay, not really with Megan or Diana. And I could have actually called Amy#2. Or gotten Christina's number. But Heidi should know that I like her, if only as a friend. And Eric should know that I really enjoy hanging out with him. I know he knows I called, and he knows I know, so why does he continue to ignore me? We had some of the best times at Shop Rite, and we were really open with each other. He would always come to me if he had a problem, and I would always listen. Plus, we had like a million inside jokes. That's a good gauge to judge a friendship on, too. Because it shows that you have shared an experience or at least find a common recurring thing funny, so, I think he's still interested in being friends, but right now I'm not expecting a call.
Weird. That right after I write in PB about how destiny is bullshit, I get roomed with Curtis. Weird.
I'm also feeling alive politically. After reading up Jello Biafra's rantings and then discovering myself the political leanings in the 2SJ's CD, it's given me a fresh resurgence in what to think and how to act. I love that feeling.
RetroZine got the ball rolling, but the lighter and positive writings and music is what keeps it moving now, although I still LOVE Retro.
Okay, this is a pretty positive writing considering my boredom and loneliness over the past few days. I guess college is keeping my head up.
GOOD NIGHT.
Shit. I obsessed with Alicia and Mary so much during the year.
That was definitely the theme for senior year. And I'd love to still hang with them in this, the 3rd month of summer. I'm sure I'll see Alicia because of the simple fact that we're going to thesame college and her brother keeps in touch with me more than she does.
And I did like Mary a lot, and still do. But if I see her and she asks why I didn't call, I'm not going to pull any punches this time. I'll tell her straight up: I didn't call you because whenever I happened to see you, you were with Courtney. And I don't want to hang out with you if you don't want to hang out with me. Also, I didn't feel right hanging out with you since you and him are so attached. He might get the wrong idea, and things could get awkward between us. And I don't want to hang out with you AND him, because then I'm a 3rd wheel. And I fucking hate that feeling. So that's why. So, why didn't you call me?...
Ha ha ha. I'd love to see her face after I smack her in it with the truth. That's called brutal honesty. After bottling it up so long around her, I'd just love to hit her with it.
But I'm over her. Really.
This is officially my last rant with Mary as the focus. Now, Alicia on the other hand...
And I did like Mary a lot, and still do. But if I see her and she asks why I didn't call, I'm not going to pull any punches this time. I'll tell her straight up: I didn't call you because whenever I happened to see you, you were with Courtney. And I don't want to hang out with you if you don't want to hang out with me. Also, I didn't feel right hanging out with you since you and him are so attached. He might get the wrong idea, and things could get awkward between us. And I don't want to hang out with you AND him, because then I'm a 3rd wheel. And I fucking hate that feeling. So that's why. So, why didn't you call me?...
Ha ha ha. I'd love to see her face after I smack her in it with the truth. That's called brutal honesty. After bottling it up so long around her, I'd just love to hit her with it.
But I'm over her. Really.
This is officially my last rant with Mary as the focus. Now, Alicia on the other hand...
Monday, March 15, 2010
Okay, I'm writing again.
I'm not really feeling anything, I'm bored and looking for something to get me moving and my creative juices flowing. I'm constantly searching for inspiration.
It's like a drug. RetroZine did it for me, Sublime did, BSF did, some movies have done it more mildly, but I haven't felt it in a while. And you can't put a date on it, and you can't really mark down when you feel it, because you don't really know when you're really feeling it unless you do something about it.
Idealism clashes with practicality constantly. I hate it when that happens. Like, I say to myself "Ok, time to go out there and do something--let's go", then, no one's home. Or they're hanging out with someone else. Or they avoid your calls. Why didn't I think that was a possibility? I wasn't being practical, I was being idealistic. Then, reality comes crashing down.
Sometimes I feel so fucking ideal, but in no time flat, I'm brought back to real.
All it takes is something small like that to crush me for the day. It's like beat the clock to go out and do something before anyone comes home. That's why I think I'll adapt to college much better, because I'll finally feel a freedom that I've never felt before.
Well, there I go. Idealistic again.
It's like a drug. RetroZine did it for me, Sublime did, BSF did, some movies have done it more mildly, but I haven't felt it in a while. And you can't put a date on it, and you can't really mark down when you feel it, because you don't really know when you're really feeling it unless you do something about it.
Idealism clashes with practicality constantly. I hate it when that happens. Like, I say to myself "Ok, time to go out there and do something--let's go", then, no one's home. Or they're hanging out with someone else. Or they avoid your calls. Why didn't I think that was a possibility? I wasn't being practical, I was being idealistic. Then, reality comes crashing down.
Sometimes I feel so fucking ideal, but in no time flat, I'm brought back to real.
All it takes is something small like that to crush me for the day. It's like beat the clock to go out and do something before anyone comes home. That's why I think I'll adapt to college much better, because I'll finally feel a freedom that I've never felt before.
Well, there I go. Idealistic again.
There are times I feel that I can take over the world
Not literally, but more in a personal sense.
Then there're those times when I feel like another person, not worse than everyone, but no one special. Just an average loser. I don't know what I'm saying. I can't let go of things very easily. Or can I? What the fuck am I trying to say? GAAH! Ok, I've got to shut up, because this is going nowhere.
Then there're those times when I feel like another person, not worse than everyone, but no one special. Just an average loser. I don't know what I'm saying. I can't let go of things very easily. Or can I? What the fuck am I trying to say? GAAH! Ok, I've got to shut up, because this is going nowhere.
Waxing Philosophical
We are defined by our environment. By the people around us. By society. Through human interaction, we base our judgments of ourselves. Without them, we would have no basis of comparison.
I just got that thought looking at myself in the mirror just now. I would be a completely different person if I lived somewhere else. And met different people. And went through different experiences.
Just thought of Rebecca for some reason. How if I saw her now, it'd be like we never knew each other. Sure, we would have a common ground in past experiences and stuff, but I can't see myself in her eyes, while a few short months ago, I could.
That phrase "I've become a new man" is pretty literal. I mean, I've grown. I guess that's one way of looking at it. I've changed. That's another. But what I really feel is that with Rebecca as an arbitrary comparison, I'm another person, and I can look back at people who I would have done anything back then to become accepted by, and I can say "FUCK THEM!".
I truly don't need them. I could have never expected this change. An physically, I'm not that different. I look the same, I even act the same in certain situations. But personally--in my mind--I'm different. I'm a completely different human being. Because I'm part of a different environment. And maybe that's what I need.
When 2 DIFFERENT people collide, and they're firmly inground in their respective lives, that is when true friendship, or true love, or even true hate, can emerge. Because at that point, it's much more difficult to change. They're not being molded much anymore. Not MUCH. Everyone continually changes, but with each change comes reflection and with reflection comes solid ideas and values. And I'm not sure if values must be similar for friendship or different for hate, but I'm finding only at that point does either truly emerge.
I just got that thought looking at myself in the mirror just now. I would be a completely different person if I lived somewhere else. And met different people. And went through different experiences.
Just thought of Rebecca for some reason. How if I saw her now, it'd be like we never knew each other. Sure, we would have a common ground in past experiences and stuff, but I can't see myself in her eyes, while a few short months ago, I could.
That phrase "I've become a new man" is pretty literal. I mean, I've grown. I guess that's one way of looking at it. I've changed. That's another. But what I really feel is that with Rebecca as an arbitrary comparison, I'm another person, and I can look back at people who I would have done anything back then to become accepted by, and I can say "FUCK THEM!".
I truly don't need them. I could have never expected this change. An physically, I'm not that different. I look the same, I even act the same in certain situations. But personally--in my mind--I'm different. I'm a completely different human being. Because I'm part of a different environment. And maybe that's what I need.
When 2 DIFFERENT people collide, and they're firmly inground in their respective lives, that is when true friendship, or true love, or even true hate, can emerge. Because at that point, it's much more difficult to change. They're not being molded much anymore. Not MUCH. Everyone continually changes, but with each change comes reflection and with reflection comes solid ideas and values. And I'm not sure if values must be similar for friendship or different for hate, but I'm finding only at that point does either truly emerge.
Oh man, for the longest time I've had the lowest self-esteem
I would rely on being friends with people and hope they would accept me and that's where I got my esteem from. I would believe that without them, I'm nothing. But if I were a part of them, if I could be and act just as they do, I'd be happy. I'd be satisfied because I'd be accepted.
Well fuck that.
Never again will I think that way. It's so phony. They're so phony. Well, I'm getting stronger, but I'm not 100% confident yet.
The whole sex issue is eating away at me. This whole time, all it took was confidence. With that, and semi-natural things, I could have. I don't know, though. It's late and I'm delirious. This sucks. I can't even express myself. Well, with my cousins it's phony. Both of us. I just feel it a lot.
I need, well, I feel a need to have sex only to gain acceptance and become part of the cult. It's sad, but true. I'm not over that step. Because most guys as well as girls look down on me as inexperienced. Fuck it all. I wish I could just use it to my advantage.
Ok, I don't even know what I'm talking about now, so I'm gonna stop. This thought was a pathetic failure. I'll try again tonight or tomorrow or next time I feel this. Because this book is for ME and only ME. I'll just hide it or something if I don't want others seeing it.
Well fuck that.
Never again will I think that way. It's so phony. They're so phony. Well, I'm getting stronger, but I'm not 100% confident yet.
The whole sex issue is eating away at me. This whole time, all it took was confidence. With that, and semi-natural things, I could have. I don't know, though. It's late and I'm delirious. This sucks. I can't even express myself. Well, with my cousins it's phony. Both of us. I just feel it a lot.
I need, well, I feel a need to have sex only to gain acceptance and become part of the cult. It's sad, but true. I'm not over that step. Because most guys as well as girls look down on me as inexperienced. Fuck it all. I wish I could just use it to my advantage.
Ok, I don't even know what I'm talking about now, so I'm gonna stop. This thought was a pathetic failure. I'll try again tonight or tomorrow or next time I feel this. Because this book is for ME and only ME. I'll just hide it or something if I don't want others seeing it.
Friday, March 5, 2010
I really can't pinpoint my thoughts
I get these surges of creativity, but I haven't found a real talent which I can express it. So I put pen to paper and write about it.
The last like 5 movies I've seen have kept me motivated and opened my eyes. SLC Punk, Big Lebowski, Kill the Man, Fight Club--sure, they're all just stupid comedies (except Fight Club), but they mean something to me. Maybe it's because that's what I want to do. Maybe that's where I can shine. I want to write direct or animate or star in MY OWN CREATION.
I want to get ideas out there. I want to use what little chance for actual rebellion I have and jump on it. Like my options. Fuck Wal-Mart from now on. I'm better off going to Quick Chek. Fuck Old Navy, JC Penny, and Sears. I'll shop for clothes at smaller clothing stores. Why don't people whop at the Wall? Because they're corporate and "mainstream". Okay, good thought, but you still shop at those other corporate empires for clothes, food, shampoo, etc. That's the easiest thing someone can do to fight oppression.
It's hard to let go of such a casual and everyday thing like that but once you've done that, you'll find that you don't need it at all. Just like the Wall. Going in there is almost disturbing now. I would love to get that for all these big business corporations.
And the next easiest...well, not easiest, but by far the most satisfying--thing I can do is to get ideas out there creatively. Short animations, or failing that, comics, possibly. Writings. Movies. I want to get out and do things. Take part in making a change. I will join an activist community. I want to be part of something to change the world. Because there's no chance in hell I can make that sort of impact alone. But by getting ideas out there and joining leftist groups, I can make an impact. September's not too far away, and it can't come too soon.
On another tone, the opposite sex is bugging me. A list of girls on my mind: Alicia, Diana (& Megan), Heidi, and surprisingly, Amy#2 and Christina.
Alicia and I are pretty comfortable with each other now. Sure, she's constantly in Boston or Dan's here, so there's not much time to hang out with just her, but it's fair enough, because I know exactly where I stand and I'm comfortable with that.
Oh, another thing. I'm looking forward to the first person to fuck with me, either at college, or beforehand because now I realize that taking shit with a grain of salt and a smile doesn't work. Grain of salt or not, it's still shit, and that doesn't sit right. So from now on, it's out and out war. And I'm gonna enjoy every second of it.
But back to Diana (& Megan). I can't talk to Diana without first talking to Megan. So the next time I see either of them, I'm gonna blatantly ask to hang out with Diana. I can't believe it's taken me this long. She's cool, I could really get into hanging out with her.
Heidi, on the other hand, doesn't really stick in my mind. She's kinda fun, but nothing really stands out about her that I connect with. But she's a cool girl nonetheless, so I'll probably call her tomorrow or one of these days.
Which brings me to Amy#2 and Christina. Fuck Amy#2. Let me start off by saying that. I guess that's a little harsh. Maybe she's just shy or something, but she never called me. Christina...I love Christina. Well, that's a little much, too. I don't LOVE Christina. I miss Christina. I'd like to get back in touch with Christina. It's all pointless anyway, though, so what's the point in thinking about it?
I can't talk to Diana without talking to Megan, so I'll probably never again talk to either of them. I can't talk to Christina without talking to Amy#2 or Heidi ABOUT her, which is near impossible to do, so there's a great fucking chance Amy#2 and Kristina are out of my life FOREVER.
Just needed to face reality for a sec there. I've hardened a lot over the past year and it's much easier to face reality now. I know my place. And that's perfect because never again will I try to fit my square peg ass in a round hole. Because it doesn't fit. The only way it'll fit is if I change that hole to a square. And that's what I'm aiming to do. Both socially and politically. Yeah.
The last like 5 movies I've seen have kept me motivated and opened my eyes. SLC Punk, Big Lebowski, Kill the Man, Fight Club--sure, they're all just stupid comedies (except Fight Club), but they mean something to me. Maybe it's because that's what I want to do. Maybe that's where I can shine. I want to write direct or animate or star in MY OWN CREATION.
I want to get ideas out there. I want to use what little chance for actual rebellion I have and jump on it. Like my options. Fuck Wal-Mart from now on. I'm better off going to Quick Chek. Fuck Old Navy, JC Penny, and Sears. I'll shop for clothes at smaller clothing stores. Why don't people whop at the Wall? Because they're corporate and "mainstream". Okay, good thought, but you still shop at those other corporate empires for clothes, food, shampoo, etc. That's the easiest thing someone can do to fight oppression.
It's hard to let go of such a casual and everyday thing like that but once you've done that, you'll find that you don't need it at all. Just like the Wall. Going in there is almost disturbing now. I would love to get that for all these big business corporations.
And the next easiest...well, not easiest, but by far the most satisfying--thing I can do is to get ideas out there creatively. Short animations, or failing that, comics, possibly. Writings. Movies. I want to get out and do things. Take part in making a change. I will join an activist community. I want to be part of something to change the world. Because there's no chance in hell I can make that sort of impact alone. But by getting ideas out there and joining leftist groups, I can make an impact. September's not too far away, and it can't come too soon.
On another tone, the opposite sex is bugging me. A list of girls on my mind: Alicia, Diana (& Megan), Heidi, and surprisingly, Amy#2 and Christina.
Alicia and I are pretty comfortable with each other now. Sure, she's constantly in Boston or Dan's here, so there's not much time to hang out with just her, but it's fair enough, because I know exactly where I stand and I'm comfortable with that.
Oh, another thing. I'm looking forward to the first person to fuck with me, either at college, or beforehand because now I realize that taking shit with a grain of salt and a smile doesn't work. Grain of salt or not, it's still shit, and that doesn't sit right. So from now on, it's out and out war. And I'm gonna enjoy every second of it.
But back to Diana (& Megan). I can't talk to Diana without first talking to Megan. So the next time I see either of them, I'm gonna blatantly ask to hang out with Diana. I can't believe it's taken me this long. She's cool, I could really get into hanging out with her.
Heidi, on the other hand, doesn't really stick in my mind. She's kinda fun, but nothing really stands out about her that I connect with. But she's a cool girl nonetheless, so I'll probably call her tomorrow or one of these days.
Which brings me to Amy#2 and Christina. Fuck Amy#2. Let me start off by saying that. I guess that's a little harsh. Maybe she's just shy or something, but she never called me. Christina...I love Christina. Well, that's a little much, too. I don't LOVE Christina. I miss Christina. I'd like to get back in touch with Christina. It's all pointless anyway, though, so what's the point in thinking about it?
I can't talk to Diana without talking to Megan, so I'll probably never again talk to either of them. I can't talk to Christina without talking to Amy#2 or Heidi ABOUT her, which is near impossible to do, so there's a great fucking chance Amy#2 and Kristina are out of my life FOREVER.
Just needed to face reality for a sec there. I've hardened a lot over the past year and it's much easier to face reality now. I know my place. And that's perfect because never again will I try to fit my square peg ass in a round hole. Because it doesn't fit. The only way it'll fit is if I change that hole to a square. And that's what I'm aiming to do. Both socially and politically. Yeah.
Ugh, another one of those desperately lonely days
There are days when, I just know everyone but me is gonna be busy and I'm gnona be stuck by myself.
It's even worse when they're home. I can't do things because I'm stuck. Phone rings...not for me. Call someone... not home, busy, working, out with someone else. Whatever, I still do have other stuff to look forward to. I don't know how I'm gonna adjust to college. Don't want to dive into everything but don't want to get too comfortable.
I don't know. Vacation from Upstate NY is over and I'm getting that For No Real Reason feeling on a larger scale. From social situation with Curtis and Kyle to secluded at home with sis, Eric, Paul all staying away.
I need companionship. Heidi's the closest thing I could find. I do like her a lot. I'll give her a call and hang out. Jake/Curtis/Paul/Eric/Jeff/Nate/Alicia/Mary has been cut back to Paul/Curtis/(a little) Nate/(not much at all) Alicia.
So that's that. I've got to try and keep up and stay on things so as to not slip into a hell rut. Tomorrow goes mowing lawn, then Heidi, possibly Jake if Heidi isn't home. Gotta stay on top of my life.
I HAVE grown a lot since last thought book. (ed note: "last thought book means Vol.1 in this case) I'm really beginning to understand myself and the people around me. My social life is faltering though, and I can't let that happen.
It's even worse when they're home. I can't do things because I'm stuck. Phone rings...not for me. Call someone... not home, busy, working, out with someone else. Whatever, I still do have other stuff to look forward to. I don't know how I'm gonna adjust to college. Don't want to dive into everything but don't want to get too comfortable.
I don't know. Vacation from Upstate NY is over and I'm getting that For No Real Reason feeling on a larger scale. From social situation with Curtis and Kyle to secluded at home with sis, Eric, Paul all staying away.
I need companionship. Heidi's the closest thing I could find. I do like her a lot. I'll give her a call and hang out. Jake/Curtis/Paul/Eric/Jeff/Nate/Alicia/Mary has been cut back to Paul/Curtis/(a little) Nate/(not much at all) Alicia.
So that's that. I've got to try and keep up and stay on things so as to not slip into a hell rut. Tomorrow goes mowing lawn, then Heidi, possibly Jake if Heidi isn't home. Gotta stay on top of my life.
I HAVE grown a lot since last thought book. (ed note: "last thought book means Vol.1 in this case) I'm really beginning to understand myself and the people around me. My social life is faltering though, and I can't let that happen.
Reflections
I'm in one of those moods where I'm extremely negative and don't know HOW my life is gonna turn around. Now Warped Tour as a whole was fun, but no one instance individually seemed like it. Does that make sense? I don't know. I tend to look back on some things as better than actually experiencing them. I was disgusted and embarrassed to be in the crowd when they started throwing shit at Jurassic 5. God, punks are closed-minded.
I'm not asking them to change their musical tastes or something THAT drastic (sarcasm), I just wish they could respect other subcultures and not be so fucking cruel.
I'm not asking them to change their musical tastes or something THAT drastic (sarcasm), I just wish they could respect other subcultures and not be so fucking cruel.
Now, after reading that RetroZine column
I DO feel better. He always gives me the whole picture. It's like, I'm looking at something with a little pen light, and he comes along with a giant fucking spotlight, so I can see just how insignificant (credible, but insignificant nonetheless) what I was looking at was.
There is absolutely no shame in not liking (or liking) something someone else doesn't. The thing is, be honest about it. Don't try to hide your life and only show what they want to see and say what they want to hear. Honesty with open-mindedness is the only way to live. Otherwise, it's simply living a lie.
Now, what DO I like? Well, I like punk because it's an alternative to big-business oriented and produced music.
No, that's why I'm proud of liking punk. Bluegrass is an alternative to big business produced music, but I don't like that.
I guess it's the variety of music within the scene that keeps me interested. I can't listen to one genre of music religiously. If punk was only NOFX and Rancid, I'd have been out of the scene a while ago. It presents a great diversity though, from the Weakerthans to the Bad Brains. From the Adjusters to Boy Sets Fire. That diversity speaks to me in a way words can't. And when I say punk, I mean everything from crust to emo to hardcore, to poppy-punk to ska/reggae, mod, soul, oi, grind--everything underground. So, as a form of entertainment, it does not disappoint.
However, as a form of political epicenter and dramatically radical views, it does disappoint, in some regards. Now, bands with an introspective/political or even personal focus are my favorite to HEAR (not necessarily listen to--or is it vice versa). No, vice versa. My favorite to listen to, but not to hear. I love listening to what they have to say because every once in a while, I can connect with them and it makes me feel genuinely good.
Bands with a good sound are the ones I like to HEAR. I don't necessarily agree, understand, or connect with the lyrics in any way, but the overall sound might be what I want to hear. So, I buy CDs for 2 reasons as a result of this way of thinking.
Why is this important? Well, it's not, really. I just like to try to understand why I do things or why I say things.
This whole thought process came as a result of the Warped Tour. While I did have fun, at some points, I felt like I didn't belong there. Because I know I think much differently than most people there, and I just couldn't bring myself to chant with them or sing along (most of the time) with them.
I'm different. And it seemed completely unnatural to pretend to be part of the crowd. I might say RetroZine ruined the whole punk rock experience. But I won't. He couldn't have. He simply dropped a shit load of knowledge in me regarding the scene, and life in general.
It's up to me whether I wanted to listen or shut it out and just go along blindly, and I chose to become enlightened. And I'm sure this way of thinking will help me in the future.
There is absolutely no shame in not liking (or liking) something someone else doesn't. The thing is, be honest about it. Don't try to hide your life and only show what they want to see and say what they want to hear. Honesty with open-mindedness is the only way to live. Otherwise, it's simply living a lie.
Now, what DO I like? Well, I like punk because it's an alternative to big-business oriented and produced music.
No, that's why I'm proud of liking punk. Bluegrass is an alternative to big business produced music, but I don't like that.
I guess it's the variety of music within the scene that keeps me interested. I can't listen to one genre of music religiously. If punk was only NOFX and Rancid, I'd have been out of the scene a while ago. It presents a great diversity though, from the Weakerthans to the Bad Brains. From the Adjusters to Boy Sets Fire. That diversity speaks to me in a way words can't. And when I say punk, I mean everything from crust to emo to hardcore, to poppy-punk to ska/reggae, mod, soul, oi, grind--everything underground. So, as a form of entertainment, it does not disappoint.
However, as a form of political epicenter and dramatically radical views, it does disappoint, in some regards. Now, bands with an introspective/political or even personal focus are my favorite to HEAR (not necessarily listen to--or is it vice versa). No, vice versa. My favorite to listen to, but not to hear. I love listening to what they have to say because every once in a while, I can connect with them and it makes me feel genuinely good.
Bands with a good sound are the ones I like to HEAR. I don't necessarily agree, understand, or connect with the lyrics in any way, but the overall sound might be what I want to hear. So, I buy CDs for 2 reasons as a result of this way of thinking.
Why is this important? Well, it's not, really. I just like to try to understand why I do things or why I say things.
This whole thought process came as a result of the Warped Tour. While I did have fun, at some points, I felt like I didn't belong there. Because I know I think much differently than most people there, and I just couldn't bring myself to chant with them or sing along (most of the time) with them.
I'm different. And it seemed completely unnatural to pretend to be part of the crowd. I might say RetroZine ruined the whole punk rock experience. But I won't. He couldn't have. He simply dropped a shit load of knowledge in me regarding the scene, and life in general.
It's up to me whether I wanted to listen or shut it out and just go along blindly, and I chose to become enlightened. And I'm sure this way of thinking will help me in the future.
Shit, I can barely fall asleep
I'm genuinely excited about tomorrow. I definitely want to take pictures and experience everything firsthand. I want to get in the pit and get my ass kicked, I want to scream lyrics to songs I know, I want to let myself go and hold nothing back.
That's gonna be great. Can't wait to do that.
Also, I have Alicia and Dan on my mind. What a shock. I think they're on to me. I think they both can plainly see my infatuation. It's a healthy one, though. I know my position exactly and I have no intention of gaining ground even if I had the opportunity. They're just too good together for me to want to spoil anything, so I have absolutely NO resentment.
Now about tomorrow, I want to bring other people than just Nate.
I would love to take Lauren or Jackie just for a change of pace. Whatever, I'll try to either get in another's car or get others in mine. Because with just me and Nate, it might get a little weird.
Damn, I don't know how I'm gonna get up tomorrow at 6. It's 1:30 now. So, that's 4 1/2 hrs sleep.
Damn, I wish I could fall asleep. I've got to try. Ok, until tomorrow --TOTS--
That's gonna be great. Can't wait to do that.
Also, I have Alicia and Dan on my mind. What a shock. I think they're on to me. I think they both can plainly see my infatuation. It's a healthy one, though. I know my position exactly and I have no intention of gaining ground even if I had the opportunity. They're just too good together for me to want to spoil anything, so I have absolutely NO resentment.
Now about tomorrow, I want to bring other people than just Nate.
I would love to take Lauren or Jackie just for a change of pace. Whatever, I'll try to either get in another's car or get others in mine. Because with just me and Nate, it might get a little weird.
Damn, I don't know how I'm gonna get up tomorrow at 6. It's 1:30 now. So, that's 4 1/2 hrs sleep.
Damn, I wish I could fall asleep. I've got to try. Ok, until tomorrow --TOTS--
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