I feel isolated, left out, deserted.
Leave it to my insecure friends to shut me out. I hate holidays. They leave me feeling so empty. It's just a constant, monthly to bi-monthly reminder of how few friends I have.
I called Curtis, 45 minutes ago trying to see what he's doing tonight for New Year's Eve. That's all. He doesn't have to break his plans if he has any. He doesn't need to change his plans. He doesn't have to include me in his plans. I just want to know if he has plans. If he does, then I'll call Eric or Paul or even Alicia or Amy#2 (yeah right). But I just want to know so I can plan my day.
But Curtis fears any type of confrontation. But fefore getting into that, I'm stuck here for another 2 to 2 1/2 hours with THEM. I feel 10X more alone when they are here than when I am actually alone. When I'm by myself, I am free to do as I please whenever I want. Granted, I'm still alone, but at least I'm not confined to my room.
It's kinda scary that the last time I was outside the house was 2 days ago when I got back from boarding.
Anyway, back to Curtis. He probably has something going on if he couldn't call me back after waiting an hour. Come on, you can come up with something in that time. I fucking hate holidays so much. I can't wait to have all those days when no one is home and there's nothing special to do. I love for the days I can relax or just hang out or go to friends houses because I feel like it, not out of obligation because I feel I should be somewhere because everyone else is.
I can sympathize with Melody now. Only difference is she has someone that she is with.
I hate writing while my mom walks back and forth across my door. I know she's gonna walk in and ask what I'm writing. It sucks that I have to hide this--
Anyway, back to Melody. She complains so much yet she has Matt when holidays come around. They've been together, on and off, for a year now, so they're pretty solid. When it comes to things like New Year's, or Valentine's, or even Christmas, I have no one. But I deal with it without outwardly pointing blame. I map it out here, but I'm different from, say, Sharon, because I don't live by it. She looks at her 3 female friends by association: Crystal, Becky, and Alisha, and says "I need a steady boyfriend, too".
So, even though she and Curtis are not going out, I can almost guarantee that she has called him so that she can go through the motions.--
Ok, well, my guarantee was confirmed. Curtis is eating dinner at Sharon's house, then going to Dana's party, which he says he is going to leave at 11:30, but I sincerely doubt it.--
GAAH! So many distractions. Anyways, I'll try and make the best of this and keep my head up. Have I mentioned how much I fucking hate holidays? Even if I were with someone, just for companionship and social acceptance on holidays, like Raechel for example, I would still feel alone. Because I would think of how much fun everyone else is having: Ronnie and Danny, Melody and Matt, Alicia and Dan, Eric and Kelly, even Curtis and Sharon.
And when I think of that, I feel like shit. Because there is no one I can be associated with. It sucks when something that means so much to me is meaningless to someone else when compared with the rest of their life. It shows just how shitty life has been up to this point.
Well, if I am to buy into the holiday and make a resolution, it will be to live my life the way I want to. If it means detaching from my family to the point where I don't even associate with them in order to find my own identity, then I will have to do that. Sounds like the opposite of a resolution, but I have lived so cautiously because I'm scared of what might happen--
Thursday, December 30, 2010
My entries always seem to suck...
...when I'm in this semi-content, yet antsy kind of mood. I wanted to write yesterday, when I felt angry and distant, but it's difficult to get anything done at school. I really feel like I'm getting sick of the dorm at times. Yesterday morning, when I was woken up by Melody, and I looked over and saw Sharon and Curtis lying in Curtis's bed, I felt sick. The night before, when Ronnie and I were discussing her problems and Sharon and Curtis walked in and gave their half-assed advice to her, I felt sick. When I finally thought Sharon would get the fuck downstairs and go to sleep, leaving Curtis and me alone so we could just go to bed, but instead jumped in his bed and wouldn't let go of his blanket so Curtis was forced to allow her to sleep in our room, I felt sick. EVERY FUCKING TIME we're all hanging out and Sharon kills everything by whispering to Curtis in an uneasy silence, I feel sick.
I really can't take this shit anymore. I fucking hate it when Curtis and Sharon get drunk, because they ct as if they now, for those few hours, have a bond with the others and have an air of superiority over me. Even with my best friends there, Melody and Ronnie, I feel like I'm losing something meaningful. Ronnie's going to be gone in a week and I'll most likely never see her again, which I've accepted, but don't quite agree with. It's just that I think she puts more bearing on her boyfriend's opinion than she leads on. I'm glad she's found happiness with him, but it seems at times that she is content with ONLY him and needs nothing else (aside from her family). There could be a lot more to her, though, so I can't make any assumptions.
Now, why do I give a fuck about Sharon and Curtis? Why can't I be content with them and just relax and let them do what they want? Well, I think at the root of the problem is my ongoing search for fulfillment. I have to say that I feel fulfilled when I feel a strong connection with someone and they can confide in me and we can have a deep, meaningful friendship. I feel that with Ronnie and Melody. What disturbs me is to be seen by them as equal to Curtis and Sharon (well, mostly Sharon), who seem to only want friends for superficial reasons. Sharon wants someone to go to parties with, and in her superficial world, her life is in turmoil. She seems to define life on superficial terms: a boyfriend she can show off but also treat her right (like on the WB tv shows), friends she can party with and talk about her boyfriend with, keeping up with the latest trends in music and fashion, and basically being a member of Dawson's Creek.
Now, in keeping with my rule never to demonize that which with I don't agree, she does have good traits. At times, she can carry a decent conversation and I can actually enjoy spending time with her. But generally, I wish she would have never lived in our building and, further, never went to our college. I called it way back before school started, when I was still counting the days: I said that she would not be able to make friends on her own and that she was going to constantly be in our room. I was hoping I was wrong, but it happened anyway. Now, I have a shitload more to say, but I'm sick and I need to do something else, like eat or sleep or something.
I really can't take this shit anymore. I fucking hate it when Curtis and Sharon get drunk, because they ct as if they now, for those few hours, have a bond with the others and have an air of superiority over me. Even with my best friends there, Melody and Ronnie, I feel like I'm losing something meaningful. Ronnie's going to be gone in a week and I'll most likely never see her again, which I've accepted, but don't quite agree with. It's just that I think she puts more bearing on her boyfriend's opinion than she leads on. I'm glad she's found happiness with him, but it seems at times that she is content with ONLY him and needs nothing else (aside from her family). There could be a lot more to her, though, so I can't make any assumptions.
Now, why do I give a fuck about Sharon and Curtis? Why can't I be content with them and just relax and let them do what they want? Well, I think at the root of the problem is my ongoing search for fulfillment. I have to say that I feel fulfilled when I feel a strong connection with someone and they can confide in me and we can have a deep, meaningful friendship. I feel that with Ronnie and Melody. What disturbs me is to be seen by them as equal to Curtis and Sharon (well, mostly Sharon), who seem to only want friends for superficial reasons. Sharon wants someone to go to parties with, and in her superficial world, her life is in turmoil. She seems to define life on superficial terms: a boyfriend she can show off but also treat her right (like on the WB tv shows), friends she can party with and talk about her boyfriend with, keeping up with the latest trends in music and fashion, and basically being a member of Dawson's Creek.
Now, in keeping with my rule never to demonize that which with I don't agree, she does have good traits. At times, she can carry a decent conversation and I can actually enjoy spending time with her. But generally, I wish she would have never lived in our building and, further, never went to our college. I called it way back before school started, when I was still counting the days: I said that she would not be able to make friends on her own and that she was going to constantly be in our room. I was hoping I was wrong, but it happened anyway. Now, I have a shitload more to say, but I'm sick and I need to do something else, like eat or sleep or something.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Dammit.
I'm in the library, in dead silence besides the ruffling of a few papers, and I can't concentrate on my Expository essay. I went one step further last night, and I can't say I regre it, but I definitely don't feel anything towards her emotionally.
I feel kinda bad leading her on like that and leaving right away, but I want to make the picture clear. If she doesn't want to do that anymore, then that's fine with me. I don't need it or even have any incredibly strong desire for it. It's simply a nice fun thing for me and I can only hope that she doesn't have a further agenda. If we could remain on this level, I wouldn't mind at all.
But I doubt that's going to happen. Shit, it's even hard to wrote this because I'm just going over everything again. Maybe this is the wrong time to be doing this. I have finals coming up and I can't let anything fuck with that. I want to do well because this is my fate. Like I said before, I am in control. I just have to try and focus on what I should be doing right now instead of what I did last night or how my life is going to play out on account of it. It's fun and exciting and acceptable, so I have no problems with it. But luckily, I do have an interest in some of the work I'm doing, so I can focus on that.
Just relax, and try to separate one life from the other.
I feel kinda bad leading her on like that and leaving right away, but I want to make the picture clear. If she doesn't want to do that anymore, then that's fine with me. I don't need it or even have any incredibly strong desire for it. It's simply a nice fun thing for me and I can only hope that she doesn't have a further agenda. If we could remain on this level, I wouldn't mind at all.
But I doubt that's going to happen. Shit, it's even hard to wrote this because I'm just going over everything again. Maybe this is the wrong time to be doing this. I have finals coming up and I can't let anything fuck with that. I want to do well because this is my fate. Like I said before, I am in control. I just have to try and focus on what I should be doing right now instead of what I did last night or how my life is going to play out on account of it. It's fun and exciting and acceptable, so I have no problems with it. But luckily, I do have an interest in some of the work I'm doing, so I can focus on that.
Just relax, and try to separate one life from the other.
I hate it when I have no outlet to get out what it is I'm feeling
Am I back in senior year of high school? Fuck no. This is a million times better and I am so thankful for it. I don't remember the last time I was this content with my life. But there's always something bugging me, so I can always write, no matter what.
Right now I have the power to control my fate. If my life were an RPG, this would be the selection screen. I have the ability to get good grades in German, Calc, and even easier Philosophy and Expository. I have the power to decide my social life.. I can be with Amy #2, Kristina, Raechel, and probably even Heidi if I want to. It's another point in my life where a lot is up in the air. But it feels good, because I haven't made any crucial decisions yet, and I am still in complete control.
My decision? Well, academically, I plan on getting good grades, so today, I'm going to devote most of the day to studying and working hard to get those grades. Again, I don't feel these classes are necessary in my life (except maybe Philosophy) but to not do work because I disagree with the general principle is counterproductive and pretty stupid. I have grown up and I'm past the rebellious "what the fuck?" stage. I realize that I have an advantage and to deny it simply on the basis of it being on the whole unjust is ridiculous.
This outlook on life is probably a major reason I don't feel a connection with Raechel. Last year, I would most likely be very happy to be with someone like her. She's cute, she listens to the same music I do, she's against many of the same things as I (such as organized religion and frats), and she has a bunch of "punk rock" friends and "emo" friends. But now, I see how superficial that all is. I know that we have very different reasons for our interests. I look at myself and think about why I believe the things I do, and my take on teh issues happen to coincide with the punk community. Raechel, on the other hand, does it backwards. I don't think she has any reason to back up her claims to any extend and instead just wants to present the aesthetically pleasing self-image to me and people like me.
I look at Melody and Ronnie and I see a genuine quality in their personalities. That draws me close to them and allows me to be genuine as well, despite whether or not I agree with everything they say. My bullshit radar is turned to the highest level now. And I don't see much bullshit, if any at all, between them and I.
With Raechel, though, it's off the fucking chart. And this is where any type of relationship (be it sexual, romantic, or just friendship) gets destroyed. I can get in a fight with people who don't bullshit and we can get past that and actually help to further our relationship than with those who keep everything inside them or between them and their other friends, which makes me seem like some outside observer instead of an actual part of their life (eg--Raech and Danielle and their other friends).
If you have a disagreement, fucking tell me, don't act all submissive and stop looking me in the eye then go on to tell everyone but me exactly what you feel. Let me know so we can talk and pass the time and laugh and sort our our differences while at the same time agreeing on many other things. There is no black and white between anyone. There will always be a grey area. No matter how small, there has to be common ground between anyone, and those common basics could be the reasons for people's very , very different views on things. The problem is that people don't see things that way. They see a disagreement as a fight: two very different people arguing and hurting their overall happiness together. So, (I know I'm being very ambiguous and not very specific, but I do this a lot) they avoid confrontation as much as possible. Instead of talking things out, and getting to know where the other person is coming from, they participate in passive activities, like watching a movie, listening (in silence) to music, or making out, to even having sex.
Now, these last two don't seem very passive at all. They seem incredibly active, at first glance. But if two people are attracted to each other, and they both agree to physically express it, then there is no confrontation there. It's more like "do you want to do this now?" followed by a yes or no. This is not active communication between them and a lot of times it seems like it's an evation of who the other person really is. And I'm not saying this to be complicated. I sound like a damn Expository essay there. But I completely feel that these acts are passive. Now, doing these acts (watching a movie, fucking, etc) are not something that perpetuates miscommunication. Just that in themselves it gives the illusion that people are spending quality time together when they're really just passively going through the motions and using any outlet to avoid confrontation. Another thing is that when you are cool with someone and can actively interact with them, enjoying passive activities becomes more active because you don't focus as much on the media itself (movie, personal pleasure) but on the other person's feeling about it. So, after a movie or during it, you can discuss and interact about the movie and what you thought instead of right away going to another form of non-verbal activity. Or during sex, you can enjoy it that much more because you know the other person so well and its so much more personal.
Wow..this has gotten me thinking about so much that I wouldn't know where to start, but considering I'm in an awkward situation as we speak, I guess I'll try.
Amy #2. What do I think of her, honestly? She's a pretty face and we get along pretty well, so there's a start. She comes up fairly low on the bullshit detector, so that's also a plus. What else? I don't know. I haven't talked to her in about half a year, so it's kind of difficult to assess my feelings about her. Eric's been pimping me out like I'm his ho, but I can't say I'm necessarily against it. He's just giving me more options, that's all. Again, it's up to me to decide my future.
I'm glad Heidi isn't too impersonal to talk to me every once in a while and I'm glad Amy #2 and Christina still remember me, which is really cool. Eric always boosts my ego with his stories of what the girls at Shop Rite really thought of me. I'm happy for that because it makes me feel as if I have a chance to get a girl I enjoy being with instead of one I "should get with" according to the advice of everyone else around me. But anyway, I'll hang out with Amy #2 and see what happens either way. It's worth a shot. Obviously she's interested, so it's a very good possibility that I may become interested, too.
But what about Christina? I don't know why, but I really felt it with Christina. She has a boyfriend right now, but that's temporary as with all of their flings. She's going to come up with Heidi since Heidi's seeing some other guy here at school. Personally, I am looking forward to seeing her. Even if it means only seeing her and deciding it wouldn't work, just seeing her again would be a good thing.
Once again, everything's TBA and it's up to me to decide exactly how I'm going to play this out. Life IS just a game anyways, at least when it comes to human interaction. It's the most complicated and difficult game to play though.
Anyways, I'm looking forward to playing soon, even though a lot of it is rough and on-the-fly decision making. At any rate, I'm going to need a basic overall conclusion to my plans, so after formulating that, the rest of the decisions should be obvious.
Okay, I'll stop being vague and try and assess the specific situations in the future, but it's almost time to leave the library and head out into the real world, where nothing is as simple as I map it out to be.
Right now I have the power to control my fate. If my life were an RPG, this would be the selection screen. I have the ability to get good grades in German, Calc, and even easier Philosophy and Expository. I have the power to decide my social life.. I can be with Amy #2, Kristina, Raechel, and probably even Heidi if I want to. It's another point in my life where a lot is up in the air. But it feels good, because I haven't made any crucial decisions yet, and I am still in complete control.
My decision? Well, academically, I plan on getting good grades, so today, I'm going to devote most of the day to studying and working hard to get those grades. Again, I don't feel these classes are necessary in my life (except maybe Philosophy) but to not do work because I disagree with the general principle is counterproductive and pretty stupid. I have grown up and I'm past the rebellious "what the fuck?" stage. I realize that I have an advantage and to deny it simply on the basis of it being on the whole unjust is ridiculous.
This outlook on life is probably a major reason I don't feel a connection with Raechel. Last year, I would most likely be very happy to be with someone like her. She's cute, she listens to the same music I do, she's against many of the same things as I (such as organized religion and frats), and she has a bunch of "punk rock" friends and "emo" friends. But now, I see how superficial that all is. I know that we have very different reasons for our interests. I look at myself and think about why I believe the things I do, and my take on teh issues happen to coincide with the punk community. Raechel, on the other hand, does it backwards. I don't think she has any reason to back up her claims to any extend and instead just wants to present the aesthetically pleasing self-image to me and people like me.
I look at Melody and Ronnie and I see a genuine quality in their personalities. That draws me close to them and allows me to be genuine as well, despite whether or not I agree with everything they say. My bullshit radar is turned to the highest level now. And I don't see much bullshit, if any at all, between them and I.
With Raechel, though, it's off the fucking chart. And this is where any type of relationship (be it sexual, romantic, or just friendship) gets destroyed. I can get in a fight with people who don't bullshit and we can get past that and actually help to further our relationship than with those who keep everything inside them or between them and their other friends, which makes me seem like some outside observer instead of an actual part of their life (eg--Raech and Danielle and their other friends).
If you have a disagreement, fucking tell me, don't act all submissive and stop looking me in the eye then go on to tell everyone but me exactly what you feel. Let me know so we can talk and pass the time and laugh and sort our our differences while at the same time agreeing on many other things. There is no black and white between anyone. There will always be a grey area. No matter how small, there has to be common ground between anyone, and those common basics could be the reasons for people's very , very different views on things. The problem is that people don't see things that way. They see a disagreement as a fight: two very different people arguing and hurting their overall happiness together. So, (I know I'm being very ambiguous and not very specific, but I do this a lot) they avoid confrontation as much as possible. Instead of talking things out, and getting to know where the other person is coming from, they participate in passive activities, like watching a movie, listening (in silence) to music, or making out, to even having sex.
Now, these last two don't seem very passive at all. They seem incredibly active, at first glance. But if two people are attracted to each other, and they both agree to physically express it, then there is no confrontation there. It's more like "do you want to do this now?" followed by a yes or no. This is not active communication between them and a lot of times it seems like it's an evation of who the other person really is. And I'm not saying this to be complicated. I sound like a damn Expository essay there. But I completely feel that these acts are passive. Now, doing these acts (watching a movie, fucking, etc) are not something that perpetuates miscommunication. Just that in themselves it gives the illusion that people are spending quality time together when they're really just passively going through the motions and using any outlet to avoid confrontation. Another thing is that when you are cool with someone and can actively interact with them, enjoying passive activities becomes more active because you don't focus as much on the media itself (movie, personal pleasure) but on the other person's feeling about it. So, after a movie or during it, you can discuss and interact about the movie and what you thought instead of right away going to another form of non-verbal activity. Or during sex, you can enjoy it that much more because you know the other person so well and its so much more personal.
Wow..this has gotten me thinking about so much that I wouldn't know where to start, but considering I'm in an awkward situation as we speak, I guess I'll try.
Amy #2. What do I think of her, honestly? She's a pretty face and we get along pretty well, so there's a start. She comes up fairly low on the bullshit detector, so that's also a plus. What else? I don't know. I haven't talked to her in about half a year, so it's kind of difficult to assess my feelings about her. Eric's been pimping me out like I'm his ho, but I can't say I'm necessarily against it. He's just giving me more options, that's all. Again, it's up to me to decide my future.
I'm glad Heidi isn't too impersonal to talk to me every once in a while and I'm glad Amy #2 and Christina still remember me, which is really cool. Eric always boosts my ego with his stories of what the girls at Shop Rite really thought of me. I'm happy for that because it makes me feel as if I have a chance to get a girl I enjoy being with instead of one I "should get with" according to the advice of everyone else around me. But anyway, I'll hang out with Amy #2 and see what happens either way. It's worth a shot. Obviously she's interested, so it's a very good possibility that I may become interested, too.
But what about Christina? I don't know why, but I really felt it with Christina. She has a boyfriend right now, but that's temporary as with all of their flings. She's going to come up with Heidi since Heidi's seeing some other guy here at school. Personally, I am looking forward to seeing her. Even if it means only seeing her and deciding it wouldn't work, just seeing her again would be a good thing.
Once again, everything's TBA and it's up to me to decide exactly how I'm going to play this out. Life IS just a game anyways, at least when it comes to human interaction. It's the most complicated and difficult game to play though.
Anyways, I'm looking forward to playing soon, even though a lot of it is rough and on-the-fly decision making. At any rate, I'm going to need a basic overall conclusion to my plans, so after formulating that, the rest of the decisions should be obvious.
Okay, I'll stop being vague and try and assess the specific situations in the future, but it's almost time to leave the library and head out into the real world, where nothing is as simple as I map it out to be.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Last night I couldn't sleep.
I was up until about 5 in the morning trying to get to sleep, but my mind was racing. I thought about writing an entry as I would have done last year, but it's hard to do when living with someone.
Right now, I'm scared of being sick. I felt 2 bumps on the back of my head a couple days ago, and now I feel something in my throat when I swallow. I want to get someone to check this out, because I'm a little freaked out by this.
Well once again, I moved one step closer with Raechel on Friday. That may contribute to what I'm feeling right now. Who knows? I want to talk to a doctor. I think I'll go to to the Health Center today after work and get someone to check me out, because I'm scared. But, I'm living. And when you live, there's risks that are taken. I COULD live in my room and never leave to do anything, leaving me a healthy depressive. But I refuse to do that. It doesn't mean I'm going to do anything I want all the time, but I'm not going to be half as cautious as I once was.
Last night, I felt very alone. I was just thinking that I don't know where the fuck I can ever find someone like Melody to be with, only without a boyfriend. When I say "like Melody", I mean someone I can connect with. Someone who isn't too good to come to me for advice and share her problems with me. Someone as good looking as her. Of course, she's found someone FOR LIFE, as is how my life goes with Becky, Alicia, and Mary, my 3 previous crushes. (I hate that word)
If I were to find any fault with her, it would be that she's too self-conscious about her looks. She's so damn cute all the time, even when she's all groggy and just waking up. She's fucking Picachu. Yet, she will still spend so long putting on make-up, which only takes away from her natural look which I love. But that is not a type of fault to turn me away from her. I love how I can get into deep conversations with her and make each other really think about life.
The problem, though, is that we are such good friends. It would be nearly impossible to ever approach anything considering both that and that we live down the hall from each other. If I were even to consider anything, I would have to wait until the summer or at the very least, a couple weeks before school let out for good.
The problem wiht me is that I can't distinguish potential friends from potential girlfriends. And I don't know why. I'm trying to think of distinguishing qualities that occur in girlfriends that don't occur in simple friends. But thinking of that brings me back to last night. Why was I feeling so alone sitting on Melody's bed watching "Friends" while she wrapped gifts? If we were simply friends to me, I would have been content with that. But I was looking over at her and wondering why she wasn't sitting with me. I was thinking what Matt has that I don't have. I was wondering what it would be like if we were together.
But mostly, I just felt alone. Alone in her room and alone in the world. And I don't think there's an easy fix to that feeling. Sex doesn't help, that's for damn sure, because what's the point if it's with someone you despise? Physical pleasure means nothing more to me than physical pleasure. It does nothing for me otherwise. It gives me no emotion or feeling other than those short few moments when I'm experiencing it. Sure, it's fun and exciting, but when it's over, it's over. There is nothing to keep me there. Meaningless sex is boring. I'd rather just jerk off, since there's a lot less baggage, if any at all. I've decided that it's just not worth the risk if I don't feel anything towards her.
But I've been thinking--and I think this is the main reason I was kept up last night--I was thinking about meeting people I like. Parties are obviously not the answer. I mean, it's possible to meet someone there, but how would I even know if I'm drunk and she's drunk and we both don't really see much beyond physical attraction? Jobs are a good opportunity, as are dorms or even class, but when am I given the opportunity to even fond out about these people? I go to these places, and I'm attracted to certain girls, and maybe we'll get some random pointless chit-chat in every now and then, but it pretty much stops there.
[right now I feel bad, because I'm sitting her on the high chair at the desk while, just like every week, that girl is forced to sit in the little one. I feel like I should offer her my chair every once in a while, but I don't have the decency or the balls. I feel like an asshole]
Anyway, back to my point, how do I get comfortable enough to really get to know someone? Or should I say, how do I get them to be comfortable enough with me? It's difficult, because I fear awkwardness. I also hate rejection. Not so much being rejected as being the one to reject. I hate doing that, because I don't like being considered an asshole by anyone. But it's bound to happen. Like when "Little Lisa" blatantly said in the elevator "I don't like you". It didn't hurt me, but it made me wonder just what horrible thing I did to them. It's pretty obvious now that she liked me at one point, because the simple act of not going to their room turned them against me. If they didn't like me to begin with, they'd be relieved that I wasn't in their room.
My problem seems to be that I get friends pretty quickly and stick with them because I'm scared to lose them. I've got a question for them: When was the last time you came up? The answer is never. They expect too much.
So my biggest problems are: my health (head, throat, and anything possibly from Raechel), finals and basic schoolwork, and more generally, random periods of loneliness.
Right now, I'm scared of being sick. I felt 2 bumps on the back of my head a couple days ago, and now I feel something in my throat when I swallow. I want to get someone to check this out, because I'm a little freaked out by this.
Well once again, I moved one step closer with Raechel on Friday. That may contribute to what I'm feeling right now. Who knows? I want to talk to a doctor. I think I'll go to to the Health Center today after work and get someone to check me out, because I'm scared. But, I'm living. And when you live, there's risks that are taken. I COULD live in my room and never leave to do anything, leaving me a healthy depressive. But I refuse to do that. It doesn't mean I'm going to do anything I want all the time, but I'm not going to be half as cautious as I once was.
Last night, I felt very alone. I was just thinking that I don't know where the fuck I can ever find someone like Melody to be with, only without a boyfriend. When I say "like Melody", I mean someone I can connect with. Someone who isn't too good to come to me for advice and share her problems with me. Someone as good looking as her. Of course, she's found someone FOR LIFE, as is how my life goes with Becky, Alicia, and Mary, my 3 previous crushes. (I hate that word)
If I were to find any fault with her, it would be that she's too self-conscious about her looks. She's so damn cute all the time, even when she's all groggy and just waking up. She's fucking Picachu. Yet, she will still spend so long putting on make-up, which only takes away from her natural look which I love. But that is not a type of fault to turn me away from her. I love how I can get into deep conversations with her and make each other really think about life.
The problem, though, is that we are such good friends. It would be nearly impossible to ever approach anything considering both that and that we live down the hall from each other. If I were even to consider anything, I would have to wait until the summer or at the very least, a couple weeks before school let out for good.
The problem wiht me is that I can't distinguish potential friends from potential girlfriends. And I don't know why. I'm trying to think of distinguishing qualities that occur in girlfriends that don't occur in simple friends. But thinking of that brings me back to last night. Why was I feeling so alone sitting on Melody's bed watching "Friends" while she wrapped gifts? If we were simply friends to me, I would have been content with that. But I was looking over at her and wondering why she wasn't sitting with me. I was thinking what Matt has that I don't have. I was wondering what it would be like if we were together.
But mostly, I just felt alone. Alone in her room and alone in the world. And I don't think there's an easy fix to that feeling. Sex doesn't help, that's for damn sure, because what's the point if it's with someone you despise? Physical pleasure means nothing more to me than physical pleasure. It does nothing for me otherwise. It gives me no emotion or feeling other than those short few moments when I'm experiencing it. Sure, it's fun and exciting, but when it's over, it's over. There is nothing to keep me there. Meaningless sex is boring. I'd rather just jerk off, since there's a lot less baggage, if any at all. I've decided that it's just not worth the risk if I don't feel anything towards her.
But I've been thinking--and I think this is the main reason I was kept up last night--I was thinking about meeting people I like. Parties are obviously not the answer. I mean, it's possible to meet someone there, but how would I even know if I'm drunk and she's drunk and we both don't really see much beyond physical attraction? Jobs are a good opportunity, as are dorms or even class, but when am I given the opportunity to even fond out about these people? I go to these places, and I'm attracted to certain girls, and maybe we'll get some random pointless chit-chat in every now and then, but it pretty much stops there.
[right now I feel bad, because I'm sitting her on the high chair at the desk while, just like every week, that girl is forced to sit in the little one. I feel like I should offer her my chair every once in a while, but I don't have the decency or the balls. I feel like an asshole]
Anyway, back to my point, how do I get comfortable enough to really get to know someone? Or should I say, how do I get them to be comfortable enough with me? It's difficult, because I fear awkwardness. I also hate rejection. Not so much being rejected as being the one to reject. I hate doing that, because I don't like being considered an asshole by anyone. But it's bound to happen. Like when "Little Lisa" blatantly said in the elevator "I don't like you". It didn't hurt me, but it made me wonder just what horrible thing I did to them. It's pretty obvious now that she liked me at one point, because the simple act of not going to their room turned them against me. If they didn't like me to begin with, they'd be relieved that I wasn't in their room.
My problem seems to be that I get friends pretty quickly and stick with them because I'm scared to lose them. I've got a question for them: When was the last time you came up? The answer is never. They expect too much.
So my biggest problems are: my health (head, throat, and anything possibly from Raechel), finals and basic schoolwork, and more generally, random periods of loneliness.
I'm not even feeling anything, really.
I'm at the next stage in this crazy pseudo-relationship, and had a chance to finish the stage process altogether, so I would think I would feel something, but I don't. All I feel is that she's gonna be even more attached now; isn't that fucked up?
I've separated my mind and body and offered the latter, and that's it. I still would rather hang out with Alicia or Melody or Ronnie and have fun than do anything with Raechel. But I cannot ignore her. She's a pain in the ass that will come up for a couple seconds, then try and get me away from all my real friends so she can further her fantasy world agenda with me.
I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND, so just back off.
Oh yeah, and on Friday, I'm gonna tell her I can't go. Don't know why yet, but I'll think of something. I want to make it blatantly obvious that I don't enjoy hanging out with her; only staying in (and not necessarily only with her, either). And I'll get some blowback from it, but I don't care anymore. The plan is to say no to Friday, hopefully she'll get pissed, and then I'll have an excuse to back off and tell her that she's become too attached. I'll tell her that I don't want to hurt her, because I don't see any connection between us at all, and that I have a different agenda than she does.
Is she a slut? no, that word holds no meaning to me, because of the gender standard. I am not doing this because society tells me to. If anything, I'm doing the opposite of what society tells me, because I'm actually taking her feelings into account. And it's better off I leave her now, because she's a very clingy person and it's just going to get harder to do as she gets clingier.
I've separated my mind and body and offered the latter, and that's it. I still would rather hang out with Alicia or Melody or Ronnie and have fun than do anything with Raechel. But I cannot ignore her. She's a pain in the ass that will come up for a couple seconds, then try and get me away from all my real friends so she can further her fantasy world agenda with me.
I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND, so just back off.
Oh yeah, and on Friday, I'm gonna tell her I can't go. Don't know why yet, but I'll think of something. I want to make it blatantly obvious that I don't enjoy hanging out with her; only staying in (and not necessarily only with her, either). And I'll get some blowback from it, but I don't care anymore. The plan is to say no to Friday, hopefully she'll get pissed, and then I'll have an excuse to back off and tell her that she's become too attached. I'll tell her that I don't want to hurt her, because I don't see any connection between us at all, and that I have a different agenda than she does.
Is she a slut? no, that word holds no meaning to me, because of the gender standard. I am not doing this because society tells me to. If anything, I'm doing the opposite of what society tells me, because I'm actually taking her feelings into account. And it's better off I leave her now, because she's a very clingy person and it's just going to get harder to do as she gets clingier.
Shit. I cracked again.
I really shouldn't have let it get to that stage, but I couldn't stop it. Why am I letting myself get into these situations? Lets see, well, there are a number of reasons. For one, the most obvious reason--it feels good. I have primal urges just like every man and woman out there, and they are met when I take that short walk to the 3rd floor.
Why else? Hmmm... well, I see everyone around me going out and getting drunk, and I still don't have any major urge to participate in that culture, so instead, I use this as a sort of equal to them. I can go and feel that I had just as much fun as them, if not more. The only problem is that there is a whole lot more emotional baggage with my situation.
And I don't feel anything towards Raechel. Nothing. And it's probably wrong to lead her to believe I do, because she's going to get really hurt. But I think she knows that I have no emotional attachment to her. That's why she's so "friendly" with me. Anything to keep me around. If it means going down my pants at an early stage, then so be it. If it means agreeing with anything I say, then she'll do that. It doesn't matter, because I'm around and that's ALL she cares about. And that's fucking scary. I've neve had this kind of power over another person before. And I don't like it. If she's so willing to do ANYTHING to keep me there, what will she do if I'm not there anymore, despite what she does? I don't know, and I really don't want to find out.
So, the solution to this situation is simple in theory but hard in practice. I have to suppress my urges, which is fucking difficult to do, since this is my first (well, second) real outlet to release them. Also, I have to talk to her and let her know exactly where I stand on the issue. "Raechel, we have to talk. Listen, I like you. You're a really nice person and I enjoy hanging out with you, but we can't keep doing this. Because I can tell that you're starting to get emotionally attached. And I think it's better off we stop now before you end up getting really hurt. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy doing this and it's hard to sto, because I enjoy it so much, but I really don't want to hurt you. Do you understand why I'm doing this? We can still hang out and be friends, but I really think we should stop."
And I know I'm going to get from her-- "I'm not getting the wrong idea, I'm really not." But I know that she's emotionally attached, and I'll ask her "are you saying you are not at all attached?"And if she answers that she's not, then it's all up in the air. But I want to make it blatantly obvious that I odn't want to have any sort of commitment to her, becuase I really don't. It just wouldn't work, because of all the reasons stated before and probably more. Iv'e got to end this before I get too deep into it. Period.
Now what else is on my mind? Well, obviously, schoolwork is always there, and it bugs the hell out of me. I will most likely fail German, because I am not at all motivated to do any language lab work or even to study for tests. I hate the fucking class, and since it counts toward nothing anyways, I just want to pass and that's all. As for calc, expository, and philosophy, I think I'm okay. And it's been a long time since I could say that, going back to probably Sophomore year. So I'm pretty much content with that shit, despite German.
Another thing on my mind is, once again, Sharon. We were fine for a little while, but I think that she's PMSing or something. I'm sick of her shit. I'm sick of seeing her every day. I'm sick of her correcting Curtis or yelling at Curtis or keeping Curtis away from me. It reminds me of a quote from Clerks: "Territoriality. He was mine first". It also reminds me of the situation from Chasing Amy in that I resent her for taking him. But it's a hell of a lot different, since I'm straight and all, but what do I know?
Why else? Hmmm... well, I see everyone around me going out and getting drunk, and I still don't have any major urge to participate in that culture, so instead, I use this as a sort of equal to them. I can go and feel that I had just as much fun as them, if not more. The only problem is that there is a whole lot more emotional baggage with my situation.
And I don't feel anything towards Raechel. Nothing. And it's probably wrong to lead her to believe I do, because she's going to get really hurt. But I think she knows that I have no emotional attachment to her. That's why she's so "friendly" with me. Anything to keep me around. If it means going down my pants at an early stage, then so be it. If it means agreeing with anything I say, then she'll do that. It doesn't matter, because I'm around and that's ALL she cares about. And that's fucking scary. I've neve had this kind of power over another person before. And I don't like it. If she's so willing to do ANYTHING to keep me there, what will she do if I'm not there anymore, despite what she does? I don't know, and I really don't want to find out.
So, the solution to this situation is simple in theory but hard in practice. I have to suppress my urges, which is fucking difficult to do, since this is my first (well, second) real outlet to release them. Also, I have to talk to her and let her know exactly where I stand on the issue. "Raechel, we have to talk. Listen, I like you. You're a really nice person and I enjoy hanging out with you, but we can't keep doing this. Because I can tell that you're starting to get emotionally attached. And I think it's better off we stop now before you end up getting really hurt. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy doing this and it's hard to sto, because I enjoy it so much, but I really don't want to hurt you. Do you understand why I'm doing this? We can still hang out and be friends, but I really think we should stop."
And I know I'm going to get from her-- "I'm not getting the wrong idea, I'm really not." But I know that she's emotionally attached, and I'll ask her "are you saying you are not at all attached?"And if she answers that she's not, then it's all up in the air. But I want to make it blatantly obvious that I odn't want to have any sort of commitment to her, becuase I really don't. It just wouldn't work, because of all the reasons stated before and probably more. Iv'e got to end this before I get too deep into it. Period.
Now what else is on my mind? Well, obviously, schoolwork is always there, and it bugs the hell out of me. I will most likely fail German, because I am not at all motivated to do any language lab work or even to study for tests. I hate the fucking class, and since it counts toward nothing anyways, I just want to pass and that's all. As for calc, expository, and philosophy, I think I'm okay. And it's been a long time since I could say that, going back to probably Sophomore year. So I'm pretty much content with that shit, despite German.
Another thing on my mind is, once again, Sharon. We were fine for a little while, but I think that she's PMSing or something. I'm sick of her shit. I'm sick of seeing her every day. I'm sick of her correcting Curtis or yelling at Curtis or keeping Curtis away from me. It reminds me of a quote from Clerks: "Territoriality. He was mine first". It also reminds me of the situation from Chasing Amy in that I resent her for taking him. But it's a hell of a lot different, since I'm straight and all, but what do I know?
Well, I'm feeling content for the most part right now
I do have a lot on my mind, mostly food, since I haven't eaten yet today, but also: Raechel, Heidi, failing German, and other schoolwork bullshit. With regards to Rachel, I feel kinda bad that I may have led her to believe something that wasn't true, but I'm only a man at times. I mean, how can I react any differently to that situation?
There's no other way to put it: I was seduced. And I'm fine with it, because there was very little emotional attachment involved, if any. Okay, I go in her room, she and Daniella make out for me, then Raechel asks me to lay down next to her. I broke. And I'd probably do it again given the same circumstances. But taking a couple times making out with her and turning that into some sort of pseudo-relationship is the furthest thing from my mind. I already explained why it wouldn't work. I guess what I'm doing now is trying to explain why I did it in the first place.
I will hang out with her every once in a while and stop by to visit her room every now and then and I'll go to a show or two with her--all friendly stuff--but I refuse to be regarded as a boyfriend or even a real close friend of hers simply because we made out. Melody and I concluded that she's a paranoid schizoid and she grows too attached too quickly. That's why she was engaged in her junior year of high school and that's why she threw it all away to attempt a relationship with me, a kid she just met, because I'm "so nice". Any attachment she may have formed was no fault of mine, or very little fault, so I don't feel I have any obligation to continue the way she feels I should or explain myself if I don't. So that's that.
I'm not even thinking of Heidi anymore. That situation is a lot different, though, because I may have led her on without realizing it, unlike with Raechel.
There's no other way to put it: I was seduced. And I'm fine with it, because there was very little emotional attachment involved, if any. Okay, I go in her room, she and Daniella make out for me, then Raechel asks me to lay down next to her. I broke. And I'd probably do it again given the same circumstances. But taking a couple times making out with her and turning that into some sort of pseudo-relationship is the furthest thing from my mind. I already explained why it wouldn't work. I guess what I'm doing now is trying to explain why I did it in the first place.
I will hang out with her every once in a while and stop by to visit her room every now and then and I'll go to a show or two with her--all friendly stuff--but I refuse to be regarded as a boyfriend or even a real close friend of hers simply because we made out. Melody and I concluded that she's a paranoid schizoid and she grows too attached too quickly. That's why she was engaged in her junior year of high school and that's why she threw it all away to attempt a relationship with me, a kid she just met, because I'm "so nice". Any attachment she may have formed was no fault of mine, or very little fault, so I don't feel I have any obligation to continue the way she feels I should or explain myself if I don't. So that's that.
I'm not even thinking of Heidi anymore. That situation is a lot different, though, because I may have led her on without realizing it, unlike with Raechel.
Holy shit, what have I gotten myself into?
I don't know what to think. Everyone thinks Raechel is weird (including me, I guess), but I can't help but like her at times. Number one, she is really good-looking, so that's helpful. On the topic of superficiality, she doesn't seem to be that bright. Sure, it's cool that we have a few of the same interests regarding music, movies, and the like, but again, I don't feel I can commit to someone who can't speak maturely and have a decent conversation with. My friends, like Melody and Ronnie for example, can fuck around and make me laugh, but then in the same conversation they can make me think. And that's what I'm looking for. Someone I could have a good time with when I'm NOT making out with her. I have to admit though, I enjoy that.
But this situation is really fucked, because me, Brian, the loser who never had a girlfriend throughout high school, has broken up an engagement. Why me? "Because you're so nice". "I love hanging out with you". Well, that really does help my confidence and all, but I cannot commit to something that resembles what you had with Jim. Or should I say, HAVE with Jim. It's just that I can't believe how someone can go from the verge of marriage and just drop EVERYTHING because she likes someone. That's not my biggest dilemma, though. There are a number of contributing factors as to why I don't think this is going to work.
I already explained that I don't get much out of conversation with her, which I kinda need at this point in my life. That's one thing. Another is that because of that density, I won't be able to spend time hanging out with her and my other friends, because I'd almost be embarrassed of her, which isn't good. Thirdly, because I wouldn't be able to be with her and my friends at the same time, I would have to choose at which points I want to be with her and which points I want to be with my friends, which is an inconvenience.
**Train of thought stopped**
Now, I know relationships aren't supposed to be "convenient", but I don't think it's right that whenever I'm with her, I'm thinking about where else I could be or how to get out of there. Another thought on my mind is Heidi. I want to break it off, but I don't know if there's even anything to break off. I didn't call her and she didn't call me, so maybe it's a mutual unspoken break-up to a mutual unspoken short-term relationship. I don't know. **Train of thought stopped**
So, I talked to Melody for about an hour and a half while we waited for our plans to work out. She agrees that I should end any possible budding of a relationship with Raechel. I've got to say, this is going to be hard because, just like with Heidi, I'm not even really in a relationship with her. I don't know. I get myself mixed up in stupid situations and I've got to learn to get myself out of them. It's that simple. I've got to live my own life without letting other people fuck with it too much. Under that logic, I want to cut off all (well, most) communication with both Heidi and Raechel. The end.
But this situation is really fucked, because me, Brian, the loser who never had a girlfriend throughout high school, has broken up an engagement. Why me? "Because you're so nice". "I love hanging out with you". Well, that really does help my confidence and all, but I cannot commit to something that resembles what you had with Jim. Or should I say, HAVE with Jim. It's just that I can't believe how someone can go from the verge of marriage and just drop EVERYTHING because she likes someone. That's not my biggest dilemma, though. There are a number of contributing factors as to why I don't think this is going to work.
I already explained that I don't get much out of conversation with her, which I kinda need at this point in my life. That's one thing. Another is that because of that density, I won't be able to spend time hanging out with her and my other friends, because I'd almost be embarrassed of her, which isn't good. Thirdly, because I wouldn't be able to be with her and my friends at the same time, I would have to choose at which points I want to be with her and which points I want to be with my friends, which is an inconvenience.
**Train of thought stopped**
Now, I know relationships aren't supposed to be "convenient", but I don't think it's right that whenever I'm with her, I'm thinking about where else I could be or how to get out of there. Another thought on my mind is Heidi. I want to break it off, but I don't know if there's even anything to break off. I didn't call her and she didn't call me, so maybe it's a mutual unspoken break-up to a mutual unspoken short-term relationship. I don't know. **Train of thought stopped**
So, I talked to Melody for about an hour and a half while we waited for our plans to work out. She agrees that I should end any possible budding of a relationship with Raechel. I've got to say, this is going to be hard because, just like with Heidi, I'm not even really in a relationship with her. I don't know. I get myself mixed up in stupid situations and I've got to learn to get myself out of them. It's that simple. I've got to live my own life without letting other people fuck with it too much. Under that logic, I want to cut off all (well, most) communication with both Heidi and Raechel. The end.
Okay, what the hell is going on with Raechel?
I'm getting a little confused because she has a fiance, yet she seems kinda interested in me. This is too weird. When I first saw her, I thought, "She looks a lot like Heidi". She was the first one I was attracted to during that whole dorm icebreaker game, basically because she reminded me of Heidi, who I hadn't spoken to in well over a month. Then, all of a sudden, I get with Heidi out of nowhere and Raechel starts talking to me more.
Curtis and Sharon said that on Saturday in their little party in their room, she kept asking about me. Then, they were on the elevator wtih her and she invites me, through them, to the mall. THEN, she comes up to my room and starts talking to me, then finally I go to her room and help her study for Anatomy, she seemed awfully close to me and didn't want me to leave, because I wasn't really hleping her study anyways. If anything, I was hindering her studying. I mean, she had diagrams to study, so another person is no help when it comes to stuff like that.
We spent the whole time chatting anyway, and the studying was more of just an excuse to come to her room. But again, she has a fiance, and I don't want to be that guy that fucks up a future, even though I DO have a major problem with people getting so attached so early.
**Train Of Thought Stopped**
Well it's 4 days later, and she's only coming on stronger. Lets see, on Friday, she comes up to my room and plays video games with me. Then, she invites me downstairs and I watch a movie with her in her room, at which point she tells me that her and Jim (her fiance) are having problems. Oh...kay...then.
Saturday night, she comes up to my room--after smoking 2 bowls with Jamie--and lays on the bed with me while we watch a movie. It's uncomfortable--especially with other people walking in and out of the room--but I can't say I completely hated it.l I'm stupid like that. I know it's wrong, but it was nice either way.
Again, I DON'T WANT to be that guy. The one that's used as a way of liberating herself from this engagement before ultimately deciding that it was a mistake. Besides, I don't want to fuck with that guy. I think he's a loose cannon. She says (or someone says) that he's verbally abusive to her, which is really disturbing, since they're supposedly going to get married. But before I get too deep into this, I forgot to mention yesterday.
Not only did she put on lipstick and a tanktop (in the freezing cold weather) to go to a record store with me, she also tells me that she wants to "take a break" from Jim. Whoa...I had no idea what to say. She's made it pretty blatantly obvious that she's tired of his shit. She's ALWAYS saying what a nice guy I am. And she constantly comes up to our room now. So, I think I know her intentions. So, what are my thoughts on the situation? It's tough. Number one, I can talk to her easily, but she doesn't seem to get along with anyone else on the floor, so that makes me feel like there's something wrong there. Also, there's the whole Heidi situation. After hanging out with her, I realized that we have very, very little in common with each other. Everything she says seems to be for fashion, even though she states that she's against it. Just sitting there at TGIFridays with nothing to say to one another basically clinched it.
I'm sick of hearing about Metallica, Raph , and how fucked up she gets when she hangs out with her friends. I'm sick of smelling and breathing in full packs (or more) of cigarettes every time I hang out with her. I'm sick of knowing exactly what she's going to say since I can basically label her and it's right each time. The only part of that night when I enjoyed myself was when we got into that intense conversation regarding our future and all. That was the only time I sensed any maturity out of her. And I think that is the biggest turn-on of them all.
A sense of humor and a good personality coupled with maturity. And Heidi is extremely immature a lot of times. Her solution to being depressed is to turn on Slipknot and agree with their philosophy of "fuck everything, fuck what you believe in, fuck what you stnad for". That's bullshit. I don't want to hear that. Also, it's good that she wants to help kids in the future, but her intentions aren't exactly what I would expect. I loved it when she said "I want to change someone's life" but I cringed when she added "because I want this person to remember me 40 years later." How egotistical can you get? **Train of thought stopped**
Curtis and Sharon said that on Saturday in their little party in their room, she kept asking about me. Then, they were on the elevator wtih her and she invites me, through them, to the mall. THEN, she comes up to my room and starts talking to me, then finally I go to her room and help her study for Anatomy, she seemed awfully close to me and didn't want me to leave, because I wasn't really hleping her study anyways. If anything, I was hindering her studying. I mean, she had diagrams to study, so another person is no help when it comes to stuff like that.
We spent the whole time chatting anyway, and the studying was more of just an excuse to come to her room. But again, she has a fiance, and I don't want to be that guy that fucks up a future, even though I DO have a major problem with people getting so attached so early.
**Train Of Thought Stopped**
Well it's 4 days later, and she's only coming on stronger. Lets see, on Friday, she comes up to my room and plays video games with me. Then, she invites me downstairs and I watch a movie with her in her room, at which point she tells me that her and Jim (her fiance) are having problems. Oh...kay...then.
Saturday night, she comes up to my room--after smoking 2 bowls with Jamie--and lays on the bed with me while we watch a movie. It's uncomfortable--especially with other people walking in and out of the room--but I can't say I completely hated it.l I'm stupid like that. I know it's wrong, but it was nice either way.
Again, I DON'T WANT to be that guy. The one that's used as a way of liberating herself from this engagement before ultimately deciding that it was a mistake. Besides, I don't want to fuck with that guy. I think he's a loose cannon. She says (or someone says) that he's verbally abusive to her, which is really disturbing, since they're supposedly going to get married. But before I get too deep into this, I forgot to mention yesterday.
Not only did she put on lipstick and a tanktop (in the freezing cold weather) to go to a record store with me, she also tells me that she wants to "take a break" from Jim. Whoa...I had no idea what to say. She's made it pretty blatantly obvious that she's tired of his shit. She's ALWAYS saying what a nice guy I am. And she constantly comes up to our room now. So, I think I know her intentions. So, what are my thoughts on the situation? It's tough. Number one, I can talk to her easily, but she doesn't seem to get along with anyone else on the floor, so that makes me feel like there's something wrong there. Also, there's the whole Heidi situation. After hanging out with her, I realized that we have very, very little in common with each other. Everything she says seems to be for fashion, even though she states that she's against it. Just sitting there at TGIFridays with nothing to say to one another basically clinched it.
I'm sick of hearing about Metallica, Raph , and how fucked up she gets when she hangs out with her friends. I'm sick of smelling and breathing in full packs (or more) of cigarettes every time I hang out with her. I'm sick of knowing exactly what she's going to say since I can basically label her and it's right each time. The only part of that night when I enjoyed myself was when we got into that intense conversation regarding our future and all. That was the only time I sensed any maturity out of her. And I think that is the biggest turn-on of them all.
A sense of humor and a good personality coupled with maturity. And Heidi is extremely immature a lot of times. Her solution to being depressed is to turn on Slipknot and agree with their philosophy of "fuck everything, fuck what you believe in, fuck what you stnad for". That's bullshit. I don't want to hear that. Also, it's good that she wants to help kids in the future, but her intentions aren't exactly what I would expect. I loved it when she said "I want to change someone's life" but I cringed when she added "because I want this person to remember me 40 years later." How egotistical can you get? **Train of thought stopped**
I think I hate this job at times
It's just that I'm not here enough to realize it. 2 and 3-hour shifts don't give me enough time to realize how horrible it is sitting in silence with phony fucking co-workers and bitchy people looking for things. The fact that I'm completely ignorant about basically everything here is my biggest problem. "How do I look for mf?" -- "I don't know".. "Is there an index of authors?" -- "I don't know". "Where is this particular mf?" -- "I don't know". "How do I work this machine?" -- "I don't know."
I don't know anything. All I know how to do is sit here and write while ignoring everyone else. I'm damn good at that.
I don't know anything. All I know how to do is sit here and write while ignoring everyone else. I'm damn good at that.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Okay, it's time to fucking vent
I'm in a weird mood and I have to pretend like I'm doing homework. What's got me pissed off? Well, for one, to be blunt, --Sharon. Why? I don't have an exact answer to that. I do know that every time I make a statement about my opinion on ANYTHING, she always feels the need to contradict me. It could be about anything, it doesn't matter. Today I mentioned that I think checks can last 3 years. Automatically, just as anything else I say, her first word was "no".
Now, I don't even argue anymore. It's not worth it. It seems like a wasted effort. Personally, I don't see how Curtis can stand it. And they are not broken up. That's the other thing. They are officially broken up, but they still spend every waking moment together, they go to frat parties together, they spend time alone constantly talking, both in her and our rooms, and they never have spent any time doing anything with anyone else. So, for all practical purposes, they are still a couple, whether they want to admit it or not, or just pretend like they are at specific times when it's beneficial to them. Personally, I call it bullshit posturing, but what do I know? I'm sure Sharon would have a great counter for whatever it is I have to say at which point I would deem her right, regardless of whether I believe it or not.
I think mostly everyone here is spoiled. They have no idea how good they have it and they are constantly looking for something to complain about. It's like their lives don't seem to have meaning if there's not something for them to cry over. And I can't exclude myself from this. I personally have been pissed off over really stupid shit, and I know that my life is a hell of a lot better than it used to be and it's a hell of a lot better than others' lives, yet I still complain. So why do I care about what they complain about?
Well, for one, it affects me. They come to me, complaining about something and I have to take the time to listen and console them or talk with them or spend the night while they puke in my room while Curtis goes downstairs with Sharon and turn their heads to them. And I really don't mind doing this. I want to point out that I love Curtis. He's my best friend, and I don't blame him for leaving when shit like this goes down **train of thought stopped**
But what pisses me off is that I get no appreciation at all for it. At least, they don't show it. I not once got a thank you for helping, but I've come to accept that. It's behind me.
So now, I sit and wait for the night time to hit. I wait for me to be alone with nothing to do but sit here by myself because I don't like to party. I should have known going in that if you don't like to party and get wasted, then you don't deserve any true friends. The two just go hand in hand. Obviously if you hate the act of going to houses full of horny, date-raping frat boys, and worshiping the culture surrounding alcohol and all its glories, if you don't enjoy that, then you deserve to be ostracized. Maybe tonight though, it can be a relaxed night with some people in the dorm and we can just hang out and just spend the time drinking with each other instead of going out to some loud obnoxious frat. Hopefully we can just chill and have fun in a laid back atmosphere.
It's just aht I still don't understand the point in drinking. Okay, it relaxes you and keeps you from stopping yourself in certain situations--I don't need alcohol for that. It's a social drug which allows everyone to be happy and content with one another. Okay, that kinda makes sense, but once everyone is happy and content, what next? They keep drinking. Instead of using alcohol as the icebreaker and means to relax, we use it as the primary source of entertainment. It kinda goes: friendly but awkward, a little buzz and more relaxed with each other, then strictly everything turns to alcohol---"look at how drunk he is" "I'm so fucking wasted" "that kid's a fuckin lightweight, he's only had 3 beers", etc etc...
That's boring to me. I need more out of people than strictly talking about how drunk they can get. Of course, when people start getting bored with just getting drunk, that's when they do things that they can't do when they're sober. For some, that's simply talking to a girl. For others, it's cheating on their boy/girlfriends. And for some others, it's commiting random acts of vandalism.
I'm not saying doing any of these things are necessarily wrong. In fact, I look forward to doing stupid shit sometimes. But the fact is, I don't need to be drunk to do them.
SO, t sum all this shit up, I have nothing against getting drunk--in fact, given the right circumstances, I would get drunk just as anyone else would. The problem I have is with the petty secret club that comes as a result of it. The fact that people seem uncomfortable or out of place without alcohol is a given. But why? I'm thinking a lot of people tend to use it as a crutch, and without it, they just don't feel relaxed. But this IS a generalization, so there are many, many exceptions. So, if I were to give one statement, it would be not to use something as petty as how much someone drinks as a basis of how good of friends you can be with them. Get to know people and stop being so damn superficial.
Whew. The end.
Now, I don't even argue anymore. It's not worth it. It seems like a wasted effort. Personally, I don't see how Curtis can stand it. And they are not broken up. That's the other thing. They are officially broken up, but they still spend every waking moment together, they go to frat parties together, they spend time alone constantly talking, both in her and our rooms, and they never have spent any time doing anything with anyone else. So, for all practical purposes, they are still a couple, whether they want to admit it or not, or just pretend like they are at specific times when it's beneficial to them. Personally, I call it bullshit posturing, but what do I know? I'm sure Sharon would have a great counter for whatever it is I have to say at which point I would deem her right, regardless of whether I believe it or not.
I think mostly everyone here is spoiled. They have no idea how good they have it and they are constantly looking for something to complain about. It's like their lives don't seem to have meaning if there's not something for them to cry over. And I can't exclude myself from this. I personally have been pissed off over really stupid shit, and I know that my life is a hell of a lot better than it used to be and it's a hell of a lot better than others' lives, yet I still complain. So why do I care about what they complain about?
Well, for one, it affects me. They come to me, complaining about something and I have to take the time to listen and console them or talk with them or spend the night while they puke in my room while Curtis goes downstairs with Sharon and turn their heads to them. And I really don't mind doing this. I want to point out that I love Curtis. He's my best friend, and I don't blame him for leaving when shit like this goes down **train of thought stopped**
But what pisses me off is that I get no appreciation at all for it. At least, they don't show it. I not once got a thank you for helping, but I've come to accept that. It's behind me.
So now, I sit and wait for the night time to hit. I wait for me to be alone with nothing to do but sit here by myself because I don't like to party. I should have known going in that if you don't like to party and get wasted, then you don't deserve any true friends. The two just go hand in hand. Obviously if you hate the act of going to houses full of horny, date-raping frat boys, and worshiping the culture surrounding alcohol and all its glories, if you don't enjoy that, then you deserve to be ostracized. Maybe tonight though, it can be a relaxed night with some people in the dorm and we can just hang out and just spend the time drinking with each other instead of going out to some loud obnoxious frat. Hopefully we can just chill and have fun in a laid back atmosphere.
It's just aht I still don't understand the point in drinking. Okay, it relaxes you and keeps you from stopping yourself in certain situations--I don't need alcohol for that. It's a social drug which allows everyone to be happy and content with one another. Okay, that kinda makes sense, but once everyone is happy and content, what next? They keep drinking. Instead of using alcohol as the icebreaker and means to relax, we use it as the primary source of entertainment. It kinda goes: friendly but awkward, a little buzz and more relaxed with each other, then strictly everything turns to alcohol---"look at how drunk he is" "I'm so fucking wasted" "that kid's a fuckin lightweight, he's only had 3 beers", etc etc...
That's boring to me. I need more out of people than strictly talking about how drunk they can get. Of course, when people start getting bored with just getting drunk, that's when they do things that they can't do when they're sober. For some, that's simply talking to a girl. For others, it's cheating on their boy/girlfriends. And for some others, it's commiting random acts of vandalism.
I'm not saying doing any of these things are necessarily wrong. In fact, I look forward to doing stupid shit sometimes. But the fact is, I don't need to be drunk to do them.
SO, t sum all this shit up, I have nothing against getting drunk--in fact, given the right circumstances, I would get drunk just as anyone else would. The problem I have is with the petty secret club that comes as a result of it. The fact that people seem uncomfortable or out of place without alcohol is a given. But why? I'm thinking a lot of people tend to use it as a crutch, and without it, they just don't feel relaxed. But this IS a generalization, so there are many, many exceptions. So, if I were to give one statement, it would be not to use something as petty as how much someone drinks as a basis of how good of friends you can be with them. Get to know people and stop being so damn superficial.
Whew. The end.
Hmm... Is this it? This is my job.
I sit at a desk and watch people on the machines. If this is all there is to it, then I'm golden. I NEED some time to myself, I've been saying that for the longest time, and I think this may just be my oppurtunity.
Here I though this would make me more busy. Of course, it is a Monday at 9:30 AM, so I'm sure it will get a lot busier than this, and I'm sure I'll get my share of problems, but for now I'm content, and a little paranoid. It's just that I can't imagine that I'll be allowed to just sit here and write and get paid for it. Maybe there's something I'm forgetting to do. Could that be it?
Jesus this old man at the microfilm machine is fucking screaming. Oh, it's just him clearing his throat...Whew. Sounded like he was dying.
Oh well, I helped that guy out once. I'll just sit here and wait for someone to ask for help, but for now...I'm content.
**train of thought stopped**
Okay it's about an hour later and I've done something. I went through and did some easy monkey-work. Putting away newspapers. This job is going pretty well. I met a co-worker whose name I've asked twice and forgot twice. Felicity? No... Fallafel? damn... Oh well, I'll try and look it up or something. She seems nice enough, and she's sitting like 2 ft away from me as I write, so I'd better change topics as I end the page so as not to start any major conflicts on my first day.
Well, only 20 mins to go and I'm out of here and off to the language lab to do as much as possible and attempt to receive a passing grade in German. After that, my day goes way downhill since I have 2 classes in a row which I can't stand. In Expository, we sit in awkward silence while the teacher asks us impossible questions about interpretations from these stupid stories we're reading. That takes forever. Then, it's off to German to try and figure out, through the teacher, which assignments I've missed and how badly I'm doing in the class. Oh yeah, I have a quiz to do in that class, also. I should really study the Ch. 2 vocab and grammar, but I probably won't. Again, short-term worrying, which is hectic, but probably better for me than the long, drawn out shit I went through in high school.
Makes for more interesting writing, too. How many times did I write about Mary and Alicia throughout my first two thought books? It was because that was what took over my mind. There was nothing else**Train of thought stopped**(whoops...first mistake, put the papers out too early before Enis?, Edith?...received them.) **edit: Enid.
Here I though this would make me more busy. Of course, it is a Monday at 9:30 AM, so I'm sure it will get a lot busier than this, and I'm sure I'll get my share of problems, but for now I'm content, and a little paranoid. It's just that I can't imagine that I'll be allowed to just sit here and write and get paid for it. Maybe there's something I'm forgetting to do. Could that be it?
Jesus this old man at the microfilm machine is fucking screaming. Oh, it's just him clearing his throat...Whew. Sounded like he was dying.
Oh well, I helped that guy out once. I'll just sit here and wait for someone to ask for help, but for now...I'm content.
**train of thought stopped**
Okay it's about an hour later and I've done something. I went through and did some easy monkey-work. Putting away newspapers. This job is going pretty well. I met a co-worker whose name I've asked twice and forgot twice. Felicity? No... Fallafel? damn... Oh well, I'll try and look it up or something. She seems nice enough, and she's sitting like 2 ft away from me as I write, so I'd better change topics as I end the page so as not to start any major conflicts on my first day.
Well, only 20 mins to go and I'm out of here and off to the language lab to do as much as possible and attempt to receive a passing grade in German. After that, my day goes way downhill since I have 2 classes in a row which I can't stand. In Expository, we sit in awkward silence while the teacher asks us impossible questions about interpretations from these stupid stories we're reading. That takes forever. Then, it's off to German to try and figure out, through the teacher, which assignments I've missed and how badly I'm doing in the class. Oh yeah, I have a quiz to do in that class, also. I should really study the Ch. 2 vocab and grammar, but I probably won't. Again, short-term worrying, which is hectic, but probably better for me than the long, drawn out shit I went through in high school.
Makes for more interesting writing, too. How many times did I write about Mary and Alicia throughout my first two thought books? It was because that was what took over my mind. There was nothing else**Train of thought stopped**(whoops...first mistake, put the papers out too early before Enis?, Edith?...received them.) **edit: Enid.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
I think Heidi likes me.
Okay, I know she likes me, but I think she might possibly want to go out with me. Now the problem is not to get too excited or attached. She's hot, hot as hell, and she's very likable, so I'm pretty much set for the short term, but I'm going to need more substance for any long-term relationship. So, I know I'm thinking way too far into the future, but I'm stupid like that. The key is to be comfortable, stay who I am, and if she tires of me or gets bored, then I have to say "good-bye" and move on without too much emotional baggage.
--Train of thought stopped--
I still have no desire whatsoever to go to a frat party. Curtis has found his niche, basically because his parents told him to, so he's happy with going out every Friday and Saturday and drinking or whatever. I feel a little resentment, because it's almost like he's betrayed me to be a stupid partier, but he's still Curtis, and we're still great friends, possibly stronger than ever.
I haven't written like this in a while, basically because I don't really have time, but also because I've become sort of content. The big problems I've had to deal with are finding things to do that don't involve partying (since I find parties boring as shit), keeping up with schoolwork (especially German, Expository English, and Calculus,a nd I guess Philosophy soon...that's all of 'em), and attempting to console the girls on the floor without becoming pissed off.
Melody's a loose cannon. I like her a lot, but it's very hard to know what to say to "I have no friends", "Mikey was my life", "what should I do with my life", and the like...I can only hope that she gets over him and slowly breaks away from her J-Town crew, because whenever she goes there, it fucking kills her.
Me, on the other hand, I'm in an ok situation. Heidi emailed me telling me that she broke up with Special K aka Mike, and I guess I was the first guy she thought of. When I called her, one of the first things she asked was "do you have a girlfriend?", so I'm thinking that's a pretty good sign. I'm going to call her one day this week and set up some time over the weekend to hang out with her, because I am seizing this opportunity without a doubt. I'm going to invite her up to the college for a weekend too, possibly when Curtis is away or at a frat party, so we can be alone. I just wonder what her intentions are. We'll have to see about that..
I guess that's all I really want to write about right now, although I could probably go on for a while writing about Alicia and Dan, Melody, and other stuff I'm thinking about, but I have more homework to do, so I'll have to save it for later.
--Train of thought stopped--
I still have no desire whatsoever to go to a frat party. Curtis has found his niche, basically because his parents told him to, so he's happy with going out every Friday and Saturday and drinking or whatever. I feel a little resentment, because it's almost like he's betrayed me to be a stupid partier, but he's still Curtis, and we're still great friends, possibly stronger than ever.
I haven't written like this in a while, basically because I don't really have time, but also because I've become sort of content. The big problems I've had to deal with are finding things to do that don't involve partying (since I find parties boring as shit), keeping up with schoolwork (especially German, Expository English, and Calculus,a nd I guess Philosophy soon...that's all of 'em), and attempting to console the girls on the floor without becoming pissed off.
Melody's a loose cannon. I like her a lot, but it's very hard to know what to say to "I have no friends", "Mikey was my life", "what should I do with my life", and the like...I can only hope that she gets over him and slowly breaks away from her J-Town crew, because whenever she goes there, it fucking kills her.
Me, on the other hand, I'm in an ok situation. Heidi emailed me telling me that she broke up with Special K aka Mike, and I guess I was the first guy she thought of. When I called her, one of the first things she asked was "do you have a girlfriend?", so I'm thinking that's a pretty good sign. I'm going to call her one day this week and set up some time over the weekend to hang out with her, because I am seizing this opportunity without a doubt. I'm going to invite her up to the college for a weekend too, possibly when Curtis is away or at a frat party, so we can be alone. I just wonder what her intentions are. We'll have to see about that..
I guess that's all I really want to write about right now, although I could probably go on for a while writing about Alicia and Dan, Melody, and other stuff I'm thinking about, but I have more homework to do, so I'll have to save it for later.
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