So, I'm recently broken up. Something I noticed about my break-ups, it's a constant back and forth of wanting to get that last word. Some are more blatant, like the girl will scream out "I CHEATED ON YOU", and the guy will respond "I CHEATED ON YOU...WITH YOUR SISTER".
girl: "he had a bigger dick than you!"
guy: "I hope so, because you're so loose you could give birth and not notice till you hear the baby crying"
...and it just gets worse with each response until you've both basically wished death upon everyone you both have ever known. I guess the break-up is official when you've run out of insults. That sucks when you think of one 6 months later though, doesn't it? You almost want to go run into them somewhere just to be like "hey, you shop here too? Huh, whattaya know..by the way, your lazy eye makes you look like Biggie Smalls"
-But my break-up was a lot more subtle than that though. It was more like a series of mixed compliments and slight insults, but we both wanted to be the "bigger person" so much that we couldn't just spit out why we were pissed.
It was more of a contest to see who could make the other person feel worse before we cut off all communication with each other.
Such awkward conversations after a break-up, too. Why the hell does the girl want to keep talking? I'm sitting there, thinking... "ok, it sucks I don't have this girl anymore, but at least I...can go and drink with my friends without constantly having to check my cell phone for calls/texts/etc. At least I can go smoke pot here and there without trying to pretend I'm not high/burnt when I see her next.
"What's so funny?"
"What? Nothing, I'm not laughing"
"Are you okay?"
"Huh?" etc...
I figure the best part of the break-up is the freedom that comes with being single. I mean, of course you have the shitty feelings and all the loneliness, whatever. It's a tradeoff for being able to say an off-color joke without turning around and seeing that look on her face. It's a tradeoff for being able to go home after work and not worry about entertaining her. I can actually cook dinner for myself now! --
--
Friday, February 25, 2011
10/17/05 - So, I"m still feeling pretty bummed out and confused
...about losing Lucy in my life. I am happy that she is taking it well and not blaming me, and I have faith that she will find love with another man. Maybe it's just pride fucking with me, but I hate to think of her with another man, or forgetting about me, or even badmouthing me. I'll always love her, and I hope that one day in the future, we can be friends again.
I REALLY hope she doesn't forget about me. Because I'll never forget about her. I still love her, and I guess that's what makes this so hard.
I REALLY hope she doesn't forget about me. Because I'll never forget about her. I still love her, and I guess that's what makes this so hard.
Flash Fiction (a writing exercise: 300-1000 words)
The moment couldn't have lasted more than 5 seconds.
A blank, unapologetic stare appeared, his mouth clamped shut, his button-down humor was nowhere to be found, and he repeated himself.
This was the culmination of the conversation. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She looked at him as if she were trying to will some sort of humanity out of him, but he glared back even more intently as if to resist any potential urge, almost daring her to say something to challenge him. He knew that if he stared hard enough, she would understand that questioning him was a wasted effort, because there's no sense of empathy to appeal to. Keep the conversation pragmatic at all costs, and don't even think about bringing conscience into it.
He didn't get to his position by pandering to abstract theories, and nowhere in his world was such a thing welcomed. Act accordingly within the rules, and leave the consequences for someone else to deal with.
Their eyes remained locked. She had a look of confusion and anticipation on her face, blindly hoping he was going to say something to put her mind at ease. She explored his eyes in hope that they would soften, but instead found something much more revealing. In that moment, it all made sense. Everything he said and did up to this point was consistent with this. She suppressed that empty feeling in her stomach. Her knees buckled and her hands trembled, but she steadied herself that very instant. It felt almost euphoric for her, as her eyes hardened, her chest tightened, and her thoughts clouded. A sheepish smile crept onto her face, as she realized that all that anguish was unnecessary, and she felt embarrassed that she ever questioned him to begin with.
Their stare lingered for one more brief moment, before he turned away and got back to work. She looked at her feet, sat down next to him, and put he TV on, the conversation they just had being the furthest thing from her mind.
A blank, unapologetic stare appeared, his mouth clamped shut, his button-down humor was nowhere to be found, and he repeated himself.
This was the culmination of the conversation. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She looked at him as if she were trying to will some sort of humanity out of him, but he glared back even more intently as if to resist any potential urge, almost daring her to say something to challenge him. He knew that if he stared hard enough, she would understand that questioning him was a wasted effort, because there's no sense of empathy to appeal to. Keep the conversation pragmatic at all costs, and don't even think about bringing conscience into it.
He didn't get to his position by pandering to abstract theories, and nowhere in his world was such a thing welcomed. Act accordingly within the rules, and leave the consequences for someone else to deal with.
Their eyes remained locked. She had a look of confusion and anticipation on her face, blindly hoping he was going to say something to put her mind at ease. She explored his eyes in hope that they would soften, but instead found something much more revealing. In that moment, it all made sense. Everything he said and did up to this point was consistent with this. She suppressed that empty feeling in her stomach. Her knees buckled and her hands trembled, but she steadied herself that very instant. It felt almost euphoric for her, as her eyes hardened, her chest tightened, and her thoughts clouded. A sheepish smile crept onto her face, as she realized that all that anguish was unnecessary, and she felt embarrassed that she ever questioned him to begin with.
Their stare lingered for one more brief moment, before he turned away and got back to work. She looked at her feet, sat down next to him, and put he TV on, the conversation they just had being the furthest thing from her mind.
10/13/05 - Time to vent, old-fashined style.
No more bullshit editing in the blog so I don't hurt feelings. Time to get it all out and all down, even if it is 12:30 and I have work tomorrow.
She told me she is going to wait for me. She gives up on dating and has no intentions of being with anyone but me. I'm "the one" for her, and she doesn't want anyone else, even if I've told her that I can't be in a relationship with her.
Ultimately, it looks like I'm the one keeping her around, because I won't date any other girls, and I won't tell her that it's over for good.
I'm trying to be honest with myself here. When she comes over and says "I'm leaving at 6", I start looking at the clock and I start counting down the hours until she leaves. Why? Maybe I don't enjoy the time we spend together anymore. It feels like there's always something better I could be doing than hanging out with her, because I don't feel like I like the person I am when I'm with her. I feel uncomfortable, and sad, and feel like I share nothing in common with her. We went through the hard part already, and now it feels like I have an out and I want to take it.
I still don't feel like I've even had any time to miss her. She's constantly IMing me, telling me to update LJ, texting me, emailing me, calling me--it never ends. So what do I do? What will ultimately make me happy?
I think I'd be happiest with another girl. Someone that understands ALL sides of me, including my fun ("obnoxious") side. I feel like I kept too much bottled up when we dated, and that led to me not really being myself. She fell in love with just a part of me, not the whole thing. When she saw those extra sides, the parts that make me fully rounded, she hated them and started shooting them down, because it didn't fit into her idealized image of me.
I can't go back into it. Like Matt told me, once you've put that much effort and sacrificed that much time into a relationship, and it blows up in your face, you never feel the same way about that girl.
Thing is, beyond her finding individuality, beyond her smothering me, beyond all of that there was a simple truth that is now completely obvious--she never respected my needs. And she still doesn't.
I needed to have the freedom to hang out with friends. She only granted that sometimes, and usually she'd call to put a downer on the night anyways.
I enjoy sports. She made sure that I dreaded Sundays, because it was always about HER. Her day, her happiness, her life. I was just there for the ride.
And I sacrificed so much. While you're in the relationship, you sacrifice and it all seems justified. Don't want to shake shit up too much. Law of inertia, I suppose. Once something starts moving, it keeps moving, and it'll wreck smaller things in its way just to keep moving. But when it's stopped it takes a lot of force to get it moving again. Usually, that force is a mutual attraction, finding things in common, enjoying each others' company, missing each other--the ball starts rolling--then going on dates, getting physical with each other, having deeper conversations--ball rolls faster--meet each others' families, friends, plan things together, act together--ball almost feels like it can't be stopped.
Until, the break-up. Something stupid comes along and all of a sudden it all comes out. What she doesn't like about you, what you don't like about her, why you can't agree on anything--ball slows down--an insult, yelling at each other, putting each other down, feelings of guilt, anger, confusion--ball is nearly stopped--and all this force going the wrong way finally stops the ball and now it needs that force from way back when to get it rolling again.
Lucy's ball never stopped. It might have slowed down, but she still feels like the relationship kept going through the breaking up-hate each other-"friendship"-stages.
Mine's stopped. It's dead. The only way it can possibly be resurrected is if I get those feelings again, which I don't have. I have lingering feelings about Lucy herself, because I still do love and care for her, and I do want the best for her. But as for the relationship? I don't think I can ever get that ball to start rolling again. I'll be going into the relationship with too many doubts and too many questions, and I can't just rely on faith to put me through it.
I think I need to at least experience life with another girl to see if I feel like my ball is rolling or if looking back with fond memories of Lucy would do it.
Right now, it won't budge, and all the guilt trips and all the time of Lucy waiting in the world won't get it to move again.
She told me she is going to wait for me. She gives up on dating and has no intentions of being with anyone but me. I'm "the one" for her, and she doesn't want anyone else, even if I've told her that I can't be in a relationship with her.
Ultimately, it looks like I'm the one keeping her around, because I won't date any other girls, and I won't tell her that it's over for good.
I'm trying to be honest with myself here. When she comes over and says "I'm leaving at 6", I start looking at the clock and I start counting down the hours until she leaves. Why? Maybe I don't enjoy the time we spend together anymore. It feels like there's always something better I could be doing than hanging out with her, because I don't feel like I like the person I am when I'm with her. I feel uncomfortable, and sad, and feel like I share nothing in common with her. We went through the hard part already, and now it feels like I have an out and I want to take it.
I still don't feel like I've even had any time to miss her. She's constantly IMing me, telling me to update LJ, texting me, emailing me, calling me--it never ends. So what do I do? What will ultimately make me happy?
I think I'd be happiest with another girl. Someone that understands ALL sides of me, including my fun ("obnoxious") side. I feel like I kept too much bottled up when we dated, and that led to me not really being myself. She fell in love with just a part of me, not the whole thing. When she saw those extra sides, the parts that make me fully rounded, she hated them and started shooting them down, because it didn't fit into her idealized image of me.
I can't go back into it. Like Matt told me, once you've put that much effort and sacrificed that much time into a relationship, and it blows up in your face, you never feel the same way about that girl.
Thing is, beyond her finding individuality, beyond her smothering me, beyond all of that there was a simple truth that is now completely obvious--she never respected my needs. And she still doesn't.
I needed to have the freedom to hang out with friends. She only granted that sometimes, and usually she'd call to put a downer on the night anyways.
I enjoy sports. She made sure that I dreaded Sundays, because it was always about HER. Her day, her happiness, her life. I was just there for the ride.
And I sacrificed so much. While you're in the relationship, you sacrifice and it all seems justified. Don't want to shake shit up too much. Law of inertia, I suppose. Once something starts moving, it keeps moving, and it'll wreck smaller things in its way just to keep moving. But when it's stopped it takes a lot of force to get it moving again. Usually, that force is a mutual attraction, finding things in common, enjoying each others' company, missing each other--the ball starts rolling--then going on dates, getting physical with each other, having deeper conversations--ball rolls faster--meet each others' families, friends, plan things together, act together--ball almost feels like it can't be stopped.
Until, the break-up. Something stupid comes along and all of a sudden it all comes out. What she doesn't like about you, what you don't like about her, why you can't agree on anything--ball slows down--an insult, yelling at each other, putting each other down, feelings of guilt, anger, confusion--ball is nearly stopped--and all this force going the wrong way finally stops the ball and now it needs that force from way back when to get it rolling again.
Lucy's ball never stopped. It might have slowed down, but she still feels like the relationship kept going through the breaking up-hate each other-"friendship"-stages.
Mine's stopped. It's dead. The only way it can possibly be resurrected is if I get those feelings again, which I don't have. I have lingering feelings about Lucy herself, because I still do love and care for her, and I do want the best for her. But as for the relationship? I don't think I can ever get that ball to start rolling again. I'll be going into the relationship with too many doubts and too many questions, and I can't just rely on faith to put me through it.
I think I need to at least experience life with another girl to see if I feel like my ball is rolling or if looking back with fond memories of Lucy would do it.
Right now, it won't budge, and all the guilt trips and all the time of Lucy waiting in the world won't get it to move again.
8/25/05 - At least I can say that I have experienced love in my life
Nobody can take away the memories of the past 3 years, regardless how it ended. I'll always look fondly on Lucy, regardless how she thinks of me and even if she told me that she hated me and meant it, with fire in her eyes, I could never say the same back to her.
I used to say that love isn't love without reciprocation. You can't just pick who you love, it is more of a mutual thing. I still sort of abide by that, but now I realize that when you love someone, you can't just stop loving them, even if that feeling isn't given back. Once that feeling is there, it's always going to be there, in some way, shape, or form. After brutal arguments, silence between each other, not looking in each others eyes, anything--it doesn't matter, love is still there.
I'll always have a memory of Lucy as the sweet girl who I happened to have class with and crushed on early and hard. All those fond memories I listed will fill me with happiness and never be tainted.
I'm a better man than before for having met her and loved her and been with her for 3 full years of my life. My life would be significantly different if it weren't for her love, guidance, and influence.
Thank you Lucy B. for what you have done for me. Thank you for accepting me into your life for so long, thank you for being honest with me about everything. Thank you for changing my life. I wish you nothing but the best for the rest of your life. I'll always love you.
I used to say that love isn't love without reciprocation. You can't just pick who you love, it is more of a mutual thing. I still sort of abide by that, but now I realize that when you love someone, you can't just stop loving them, even if that feeling isn't given back. Once that feeling is there, it's always going to be there, in some way, shape, or form. After brutal arguments, silence between each other, not looking in each others eyes, anything--it doesn't matter, love is still there.
I'll always have a memory of Lucy as the sweet girl who I happened to have class with and crushed on early and hard. All those fond memories I listed will fill me with happiness and never be tainted.
I'm a better man than before for having met her and loved her and been with her for 3 full years of my life. My life would be significantly different if it weren't for her love, guidance, and influence.
Thank you Lucy B. for what you have done for me. Thank you for accepting me into your life for so long, thank you for being honest with me about everything. Thank you for changing my life. I wish you nothing but the best for the rest of your life. I'll always love you.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Moment of truth is haunting you
I'll draw bath and load gun
You bathe and hunt
The way she gracefully sat down in her seat in class
When she made a joke about taking the money, and I was the only one that "got it"
How she had a quiet confidence about her as she sat down listening to her headphones in the hallway before class
Waiting for her to walk into class, and hoping nobody would take that seat next to me
How we clicked from the beginning with no awkward moments
How she asked for my number while I was contemplating how exactly to go about asking for hers
How she was completely candid and open with me right from that first conversation
Our walks from the class building over to the computer lab even though we weren't in the same recitation
When she agreed to come out to the movies with me and my friends
Her unique sense of humor
Our "study breaks"
Staying over on Thursday nights and leaving early Friday mornings for work
Oct 31, 2002 - the day we made it official
Our early emails and texts to each other
Shutting the kitchen door to talk with her in private
The night she "almost" stayed over
Running to get her at the Alewich
Consoling her after fights with her mom
Meeting her on the bus
The last day of finals -- getting her a Payday and froggy, making out with her before going home
Making her mixtapes of songs that reminded me of her
Her silly moments - arp arp arping; talking gibberish; dancing; doing her little spin
Horror movies
Helping her through driving, school, and finding a job
Head-butt kisses
Our traditional good-byes before she drove off
Biting my shoulder
Our Valentine's Days: Moon next to the old couple, Japanese Restaurant, Vincenzo's
Our first anniversary debacle: and my pictures recapping the night
Our tips - the beach, hiking, the park, feeding the ducks
When she met my family the first time on my birthday
My birthday night
When I first met her family and little cousin
Taking her cousin with us places
Laying down next to her and talking honestly
When I revealed my big family secret - and how supportive she was
Going to the wedding with her and dancing with her
Our trip to AC, kissing before we went to bed
Her laughing fits
How her last name is in mine
How much she loves her mom and cousin
How well my family got along with her
How she would call me her hero
Her livejournal entries about me
You bathe and hunt
The way she gracefully sat down in her seat in class
When she made a joke about taking the money, and I was the only one that "got it"
How she had a quiet confidence about her as she sat down listening to her headphones in the hallway before class
Waiting for her to walk into class, and hoping nobody would take that seat next to me
How we clicked from the beginning with no awkward moments
How she asked for my number while I was contemplating how exactly to go about asking for hers
How she was completely candid and open with me right from that first conversation
Our walks from the class building over to the computer lab even though we weren't in the same recitation
When she agreed to come out to the movies with me and my friends
Her unique sense of humor
Our "study breaks"
Staying over on Thursday nights and leaving early Friday mornings for work
Oct 31, 2002 - the day we made it official
Our early emails and texts to each other
Shutting the kitchen door to talk with her in private
The night she "almost" stayed over
Running to get her at the Alewich
Consoling her after fights with her mom
Meeting her on the bus
The last day of finals -- getting her a Payday and froggy, making out with her before going home
Making her mixtapes of songs that reminded me of her
Her silly moments - arp arp arping; talking gibberish; dancing; doing her little spin
Horror movies
Helping her through driving, school, and finding a job
Head-butt kisses
Our traditional good-byes before she drove off
Biting my shoulder
Our Valentine's Days: Moon next to the old couple, Japanese Restaurant, Vincenzo's
Our first anniversary debacle: and my pictures recapping the night
Our tips - the beach, hiking, the park, feeding the ducks
When she met my family the first time on my birthday
My birthday night
When I first met her family and little cousin
Taking her cousin with us places
Laying down next to her and talking honestly
When I revealed my big family secret - and how supportive she was
Going to the wedding with her and dancing with her
Our trip to AC, kissing before we went to bed
Her laughing fits
How her last name is in mine
How much she loves her mom and cousin
How well my family got along with her
How she would call me her hero
Her livejournal entries about me
8/24/05 - Who Am I?
Okay, I'm reading that Karma book again and I'm going to see if this does anything for me. It asks to explain to yourself exactly who you are, in no superficial or unemotional terms. Just be honest, share honest feelings -- good or bad.
First, I am the son of a single lesbian mother. This, above all else, has most likely shaped me into who I am. I have lived in shame and secrecy for much ofm y life, which has made me fully appreciative of true, honest friendships that don't judge me for who my family is.
Second, I am someone who relies on people. Friends and family both mean so much that they have become central to my life. I broke up with a girl of 3 years in part because I knew that I would never be able to mend that gap between her and my friends.
Third, I am a man of simple pleasures. I would prefer to spend money going out with friends or hanging out with family than buying material things. Although, I look around at my car, my DVDs, my Playstation, TV, Stereo, Computer, high speed internet, and apartment, and laugh taht I could have possibly just said that.
Fourth, I am afraid of being alone. When something I have become comfortable with ends, I feel empty and don't know what is coming next. I hold onto things familiar to me, because it just feels right. My hometown friends, my job at the library, staying in school an extra year, etc. I fear change and I fear losing what I once had.
Fifth, I hate our culture. We are mostly greedy, individualistic pricks who look out for no one but ourselves. Including me. We have everything in this country, yet we still all want more, even at the expense of the rest of the world. Me even writing this entry is just proof that I have too much time on my hands.
First, I am the son of a single lesbian mother. This, above all else, has most likely shaped me into who I am. I have lived in shame and secrecy for much ofm y life, which has made me fully appreciative of true, honest friendships that don't judge me for who my family is.
Second, I am someone who relies on people. Friends and family both mean so much that they have become central to my life. I broke up with a girl of 3 years in part because I knew that I would never be able to mend that gap between her and my friends.
Third, I am a man of simple pleasures. I would prefer to spend money going out with friends or hanging out with family than buying material things. Although, I look around at my car, my DVDs, my Playstation, TV, Stereo, Computer, high speed internet, and apartment, and laugh taht I could have possibly just said that.
Fourth, I am afraid of being alone. When something I have become comfortable with ends, I feel empty and don't know what is coming next. I hold onto things familiar to me, because it just feels right. My hometown friends, my job at the library, staying in school an extra year, etc. I fear change and I fear losing what I once had.
Fifth, I hate our culture. We are mostly greedy, individualistic pricks who look out for no one but ourselves. Including me. We have everything in this country, yet we still all want more, even at the expense of the rest of the world. Me even writing this entry is just proof that I have too much time on my hands.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
8/14/05 - Now that I've had some time to think
And talk it over and get feedback and all of that, I think I'm ready to attempt to map out my feelings like I used to do.
I have the whole fight archived on the computer somehwere, so there's no need to get into the details but for memory's sake: Curtis' wedding shower, I'm mingling with old high school acquaintances, Lucy's off on her own mostly talking to my mom. I try to get her to come over with me, she resents the fact that I don't know her well enough if I have to ask her that, a huge fight ensues. Also tacked onto this fight is the fact that I'm not romantic enough to her and I only do the bare minimum that a boyfriend should do.
So, now we're at a crossroads, but it's a little awkward. We've tried talking it over. We've tried figuring out how we can repair this problem. I even told her that I'd help her find somebody if she wanted me to. For the time being we're "best friends", but that's all bullshit because best friends don't make each other feel like shit for having a day where one can't really talk because he's in a sort of depressed mood. Anyways, I guess that's our official title. Best friends who happen to have sex, hang out all the time, and still say "I love you" to each other.
Anyways, what's keeping me close to her? Is it nostalgia? Is it a hope that we will still rekindle our love? Is it because I realize I was wrong, and want to change so that we can work our problems out?
Not really. Mostly, I want her to come to the wedding with me on 9/10. Also, I still promised her little cousin I would take her to the kids amusement park. And we sort of feel sorry for each other, so we console each other even though WE'RE THE ONES WHO PUT OURSELVES IN THIS MESS in the first place.
I want her to go through her test and pass it. I want her to get a job she loves in a hospital with great people and have a successful career. I want her to find self-confidence, in both her looks and her mind. I want her to be happy in her love life.
All these things keep me close to her. I realize that a lot of her self-worth is invested in me, and I know that if I were to just ditch out on her now, that she wouldn't have a leg to stand on, because I'm holding her up right now. If I'm away from her for ONE DAY, let alone the rest of her life, she panics and tells me she feels abandoned.
Lets play a scenario game.
#1 - I go back to her right away
The same problems persist. I ignore them or we fight about them. But, she has somewhere to go, I'm not lonely and full of guilt (at least not completely), and I get to see her cousin and have someone that loves me (or at least wants me around) for holidays, days where I'm by myself, and for things where it's nice to have a girlfriend. It probably won't last, and I'll just get older and we'll have to deal with these problems much later. She'll just be more bitter. She probably passes her test.
#2 - I break if off completely right away
She becomes devastated and can't stand on her own two feet. She absolutely detests me, I never see her or her cousin again, I'm alone at the wedding, I'm riddled with guilt because someone I loved so dearly now hates me and her cousin/her mom both resent me for what I've done. She fails her test, blames me for everything that went wrong the past 3 years and for everything that will go wrong in the future. I feel like the biggest asshole on earth, and it starts to hit me that I'm now regressing to sophomore year of college when I felt like I would be alone forever and could never find someone. I spend a lot of time in my room, since my roommates aren't really friends of mine and all have gfs. I'm even more insecure about not finding a job and all, because girls don't want a bum. I start to bemoan the fact that I gave up on a girl who loves me despite my shortcomings and fear that I'll never find a girl again who would be so excited to see me and make me feel that good about myself when she's around.
#3 - We stay in limbo for a while longer
There's more awkward conversations where she talks about us being friends, but obviously wanting to jump right back into the relationship again, while I sort of push it back even more. She focuses on her test, and we continue having sex at random intervals. She says that she is flirting with guys, but if you came even close to flirting with a girl, she'd flip out. I get to see her cousin more, and there are days where me and Lucy are very good, but in the end it seems like we're just prolonging the inevitable.
So, those are my options. I'm sticking with option #3 for the time being, just because it's comfortable and I don't feel like rocking the boat yet. Unless she really matures during this and really starts to love herself and stay happy with herself, I just can't see us getting back together. We just have too many conflicts, can't coexist peacefully, share very little in common, and are just too volatile. I'm not someone she would want to be friends with if I didn't let her do everything she wanted when she came here, we don't communicate well at all, I make all the sacrifices while she uses me as an escape for her life, and she hasn't quieted her own personal demons yet, so I'm just distracting her from that.
I have the whole fight archived on the computer somehwere, so there's no need to get into the details but for memory's sake: Curtis' wedding shower, I'm mingling with old high school acquaintances, Lucy's off on her own mostly talking to my mom. I try to get her to come over with me, she resents the fact that I don't know her well enough if I have to ask her that, a huge fight ensues. Also tacked onto this fight is the fact that I'm not romantic enough to her and I only do the bare minimum that a boyfriend should do.
So, now we're at a crossroads, but it's a little awkward. We've tried talking it over. We've tried figuring out how we can repair this problem. I even told her that I'd help her find somebody if she wanted me to. For the time being we're "best friends", but that's all bullshit because best friends don't make each other feel like shit for having a day where one can't really talk because he's in a sort of depressed mood. Anyways, I guess that's our official title. Best friends who happen to have sex, hang out all the time, and still say "I love you" to each other.
Anyways, what's keeping me close to her? Is it nostalgia? Is it a hope that we will still rekindle our love? Is it because I realize I was wrong, and want to change so that we can work our problems out?
Not really. Mostly, I want her to come to the wedding with me on 9/10. Also, I still promised her little cousin I would take her to the kids amusement park. And we sort of feel sorry for each other, so we console each other even though WE'RE THE ONES WHO PUT OURSELVES IN THIS MESS in the first place.
I want her to go through her test and pass it. I want her to get a job she loves in a hospital with great people and have a successful career. I want her to find self-confidence, in both her looks and her mind. I want her to be happy in her love life.
All these things keep me close to her. I realize that a lot of her self-worth is invested in me, and I know that if I were to just ditch out on her now, that she wouldn't have a leg to stand on, because I'm holding her up right now. If I'm away from her for ONE DAY, let alone the rest of her life, she panics and tells me she feels abandoned.
Lets play a scenario game.
#1 - I go back to her right away
The same problems persist. I ignore them or we fight about them. But, she has somewhere to go, I'm not lonely and full of guilt (at least not completely), and I get to see her cousin and have someone that loves me (or at least wants me around) for holidays, days where I'm by myself, and for things where it's nice to have a girlfriend. It probably won't last, and I'll just get older and we'll have to deal with these problems much later. She'll just be more bitter. She probably passes her test.
#2 - I break if off completely right away
She becomes devastated and can't stand on her own two feet. She absolutely detests me, I never see her or her cousin again, I'm alone at the wedding, I'm riddled with guilt because someone I loved so dearly now hates me and her cousin/her mom both resent me for what I've done. She fails her test, blames me for everything that went wrong the past 3 years and for everything that will go wrong in the future. I feel like the biggest asshole on earth, and it starts to hit me that I'm now regressing to sophomore year of college when I felt like I would be alone forever and could never find someone. I spend a lot of time in my room, since my roommates aren't really friends of mine and all have gfs. I'm even more insecure about not finding a job and all, because girls don't want a bum. I start to bemoan the fact that I gave up on a girl who loves me despite my shortcomings and fear that I'll never find a girl again who would be so excited to see me and make me feel that good about myself when she's around.
#3 - We stay in limbo for a while longer
There's more awkward conversations where she talks about us being friends, but obviously wanting to jump right back into the relationship again, while I sort of push it back even more. She focuses on her test, and we continue having sex at random intervals. She says that she is flirting with guys, but if you came even close to flirting with a girl, she'd flip out. I get to see her cousin more, and there are days where me and Lucy are very good, but in the end it seems like we're just prolonging the inevitable.
So, those are my options. I'm sticking with option #3 for the time being, just because it's comfortable and I don't feel like rocking the boat yet. Unless she really matures during this and really starts to love herself and stay happy with herself, I just can't see us getting back together. We just have too many conflicts, can't coexist peacefully, share very little in common, and are just too volatile. I'm not someone she would want to be friends with if I didn't let her do everything she wanted when she came here, we don't communicate well at all, I make all the sacrifices while she uses me as an escape for her life, and she hasn't quieted her own personal demons yet, so I'm just distracting her from that.
7/25/05 - More and more, I'm starting to care less and less if she thinks I'm an asshole
...or that I don't treat her right or I don't do enough to make her happy. That sounds awful, but it's the truth. I can't even think of a day where we don't get into even a little argument and I'm stuck wondering what I did wrong. I didn't look at her long enough. I didn't seem interested in her celebrity gossip. I didn't want to sleep with her on the phone. Etc, etc.
I'm trying to keep 2 very basic facts in mind as we enter 2 1/2 years and beyond.
1- I'm not doing anything wrong. Sure, there will be times I say the wrong thing or fail to appreciate something, and I'll apologize when I know I'm wrong. But most of the time, our fights come out of her mood. If she dreads going into work the next day, then anything short of keeping the phone glued to my ear while I sit in solitary in my room is abandonment. If I hang out with my friends, then I'm just refusing to accept that I've grown up and grown beyond them. If I'm going to a bar, I'm going to hit on girls and forget Lucy ever existed. But I have to keep in mind that these are normal things that a 23 year old kid does. He still has friends. He still enjoys going to bars. He likes to get out of the house and have fun every once in a while. And it doesn't mean he loves his girl any less. She's still on his mind the whole time.
So, 2- I have to be happy, too. It's sad that I have to remind myself of this all the time, but I spent so much of the early relationship martyring myself to Lucy in hope that she would see the amount of suffering I was going through and ease up that it backfired on me. Instead of seeing herself as the cause of my suffering, she came to accept that as how it should be. I'm the one that's supposed to be doing all the work, and she's the one that's supposed to be helpless and latch onto me for all her emotional and physical needs. She needs a drink of water, she either starts whining or says "I'm thirsty", as if I'm supposed to jump out of my seat and go grab her a glass of water without hesitation. She'll tell me on the phone "you're going to sleep with me", as if I'm supposed to say "yes ma'am" with no questions asked.
Maybe worst of all, she'll grab my hand and just place it on her shirt over her boob, or she'll just give me a look or place a dead-fish hand over my pants on my crotch as if to say "I'm horny, satisfy me". I will give her credit that she is getting better at that, but she does pick some poor moments to do it. It'll be right after a disturbing movie or in the middle of a TV show I'm into. When that happens I take it less as "I'm horny for you" and more as "I want you to pay attention to ME now". And I don't blame her for being so tight that I can't even fit my finger in her without it hurting, but I'm scared that I'm not gonna be able to get up for it much longer. As much as I love sucking on her nipples and feeling outside her vagina and going down on her (and I DO love those things), the fact is that we can't give each other mutual pleasure that way. It's usually like this: we're doing something completely non-sexual, she'll give me some inane gesture that she wants me to pleasure her (like smacking her lips or one of the above things), I'll kiss her (sometimes she'll say n ot to mess her make-up or that she only wants me to kiss her boobs--a complete turn-off), then I work my way to her nipples, she gets into it (which I like, but she's wholly focused on herself here), she wants to get on top of my and rub up on my belly while I kiss her nipples (which, visually is very sexy, but physically does absolutely NOTHING for me. Actually, a lot of times we do this after we eat, and my stomach is full, so I have to try to suppress the amount of pain it causes me and just hope she comes soon), then she comes, lays there half asleep for a few moments, and relaxes. At this point, any amount of horniness I had has really faded, because even though she is very sexy throughout, now she's done. I mean, she came and it's over. Usually she'll squeak out "I want YOU to feel good too". And to that I reply "okay?". And she'll say it again, almost feels like she's waiting for me to say "no that's okay, go look at celebrity gossip online while I sit here and let my half-erection turn into a flaccid penis". But I don't say that, because at least maybe I can get a brief amount of pleasure over the guilt I feel for making this girl do something she's not really into now since she already came, but feels obligated to do because of what I did for her. So, I ask which way she feels like. BJ, rub up on her ass, or hand job? I tell her whatever is easiest for her. I don't want to inconvenience her. The least amount of work is me rubbing up on her, so that's a popular choice. BJ's are good (she's really good at them too) but if there's a chance we're going anywhere, she won't want her make-up messed up. And HJ's seem to last too long and I feel guilty that her arm is getting tired.
So, basically what it all comes down to is, don't feel so damn guilty all the time. Think of these 2 giant rules, and relax and enjoy your life. Maybe you'll come to a new understanding, and you'll learn to appreciate her all the more for it. Who knows?
I'm trying to keep 2 very basic facts in mind as we enter 2 1/2 years and beyond.
1- I'm not doing anything wrong. Sure, there will be times I say the wrong thing or fail to appreciate something, and I'll apologize when I know I'm wrong. But most of the time, our fights come out of her mood. If she dreads going into work the next day, then anything short of keeping the phone glued to my ear while I sit in solitary in my room is abandonment. If I hang out with my friends, then I'm just refusing to accept that I've grown up and grown beyond them. If I'm going to a bar, I'm going to hit on girls and forget Lucy ever existed. But I have to keep in mind that these are normal things that a 23 year old kid does. He still has friends. He still enjoys going to bars. He likes to get out of the house and have fun every once in a while. And it doesn't mean he loves his girl any less. She's still on his mind the whole time.
So, 2- I have to be happy, too. It's sad that I have to remind myself of this all the time, but I spent so much of the early relationship martyring myself to Lucy in hope that she would see the amount of suffering I was going through and ease up that it backfired on me. Instead of seeing herself as the cause of my suffering, she came to accept that as how it should be. I'm the one that's supposed to be doing all the work, and she's the one that's supposed to be helpless and latch onto me for all her emotional and physical needs. She needs a drink of water, she either starts whining or says "I'm thirsty", as if I'm supposed to jump out of my seat and go grab her a glass of water without hesitation. She'll tell me on the phone "you're going to sleep with me", as if I'm supposed to say "yes ma'am" with no questions asked.
Maybe worst of all, she'll grab my hand and just place it on her shirt over her boob, or she'll just give me a look or place a dead-fish hand over my pants on my crotch as if to say "I'm horny, satisfy me". I will give her credit that she is getting better at that, but she does pick some poor moments to do it. It'll be right after a disturbing movie or in the middle of a TV show I'm into. When that happens I take it less as "I'm horny for you" and more as "I want you to pay attention to ME now". And I don't blame her for being so tight that I can't even fit my finger in her without it hurting, but I'm scared that I'm not gonna be able to get up for it much longer. As much as I love sucking on her nipples and feeling outside her vagina and going down on her (and I DO love those things), the fact is that we can't give each other mutual pleasure that way. It's usually like this: we're doing something completely non-sexual, she'll give me some inane gesture that she wants me to pleasure her (like smacking her lips or one of the above things), I'll kiss her (sometimes she'll say n ot to mess her make-up or that she only wants me to kiss her boobs--a complete turn-off), then I work my way to her nipples, she gets into it (which I like, but she's wholly focused on herself here), she wants to get on top of my and rub up on my belly while I kiss her nipples (which, visually is very sexy, but physically does absolutely NOTHING for me. Actually, a lot of times we do this after we eat, and my stomach is full, so I have to try to suppress the amount of pain it causes me and just hope she comes soon), then she comes, lays there half asleep for a few moments, and relaxes. At this point, any amount of horniness I had has really faded, because even though she is very sexy throughout, now she's done. I mean, she came and it's over. Usually she'll squeak out "I want YOU to feel good too". And to that I reply "okay?". And she'll say it again, almost feels like she's waiting for me to say "no that's okay, go look at celebrity gossip online while I sit here and let my half-erection turn into a flaccid penis". But I don't say that, because at least maybe I can get a brief amount of pleasure over the guilt I feel for making this girl do something she's not really into now since she already came, but feels obligated to do because of what I did for her. So, I ask which way she feels like. BJ, rub up on her ass, or hand job? I tell her whatever is easiest for her. I don't want to inconvenience her. The least amount of work is me rubbing up on her, so that's a popular choice. BJ's are good (she's really good at them too) but if there's a chance we're going anywhere, she won't want her make-up messed up. And HJ's seem to last too long and I feel guilty that her arm is getting tired.
So, basically what it all comes down to is, don't feel so damn guilty all the time. Think of these 2 giant rules, and relax and enjoy your life. Maybe you'll come to a new understanding, and you'll learn to appreciate her all the more for it. Who knows?
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
6/23/05 - And we were doing so well, too.
First, I sat behind her and kissed her, and she turned me away for having coffee breath. A little frustrating, but I swallowed it and relaxed. Then, instead of watching the finals, I decide to watch her movie on TV, which apparently got her horny, but I was in no mood after putting it out of my head for the day. I just was content laying there with her and relaxing watching her movie.
Of course, this sparks resentment because she must have felt rejected and instead of communicating to me what she wanted she pats my pants, puts my hand on her boob and wants me to instantly get turned on. Then after I'm not turned on, she pushes me away like a spoiled brat and refuses to talk to me for the rest of the night.
Now, the weekend is of course ruined, I still don't have a job, and my girlfriend hates me because I wasn't in the mood to fool around for the last 10 minutes while she was here.
It's always on HER time. Never on mine. I make sacrifices. I make compromises. I do everything I possibly can to make her feel happy and supported. No matter what's going on in my life, her problems are always more important. I'm not a mind reader. I can't tell when she's feeling a certain way. I can't understand the way she acts sometimes.
We went nearly a month without fighting. It may have been the best month of our relationship since the first few months, when we used to just act like best friends. That's no longer the case. Now, if something in my life doesn't involve her, she's completely against it. She doesn't want to think of my point of view anymore. If she doesn't get her way, she has no problem ruining my weekend. She will maliciously tear down all the things that make me happy--friends, activities, hobbies, interests--anything that doesn't involve her front and center.
She is without a doubt the hardest girl to please that I ever met. And something as simple as me not wanting to go beyond just holding her in my arms and automatically--"I'm nauseous", "get away", "I need to sit by myself", etc...
I think she likes to escape reality--and I'm her quickest route to that escape. She wants instant gratification at the snap of her fingers, almost literally, but she doesn't take my state of mind into account. I try to hug her, kiss her, and just make her feel beautiful and loved. I do my best to just gauge how she's feeling. Her response tonight when I tried it? "I would do it if you didn't have coffee breath".
Immediate turn-off there. Ok, you're obviously not in the mood. It's okay, I'm used to not getting my way. It's not something I base my judgment or you on. Lets move on and you can use the internet and look at your sites, then we can go to eat where you want to go, watch what you want to watch on TV, go study where you want to study, etc. And I don't complain about a single bit of it. All I ask in return is that once in a while, you let me keep in contact with a few of my close friends. I cut my fringe friends off a long time ago, they're completely out of my life. Paul, Fat Mike, any potential new friend--I don't have time for these people. And that's fine. I would much rather have you in my life than a bunch of acquaintances I hang out with here and there. But I would like to keep somewhat of a friendship with the rest of my friends. My real friends. Curtis, Eric, Craig, Matt, Dan, and Courtney. If I can keep a friendship there and still keep you as the dominant relationship in my life, I would be very very happy.
Now her phone is off and I'm probably not talking to her till Saturday. That's just great.
Of course, this sparks resentment because she must have felt rejected and instead of communicating to me what she wanted she pats my pants, puts my hand on her boob and wants me to instantly get turned on. Then after I'm not turned on, she pushes me away like a spoiled brat and refuses to talk to me for the rest of the night.
Now, the weekend is of course ruined, I still don't have a job, and my girlfriend hates me because I wasn't in the mood to fool around for the last 10 minutes while she was here.
It's always on HER time. Never on mine. I make sacrifices. I make compromises. I do everything I possibly can to make her feel happy and supported. No matter what's going on in my life, her problems are always more important. I'm not a mind reader. I can't tell when she's feeling a certain way. I can't understand the way she acts sometimes.
We went nearly a month without fighting. It may have been the best month of our relationship since the first few months, when we used to just act like best friends. That's no longer the case. Now, if something in my life doesn't involve her, she's completely against it. She doesn't want to think of my point of view anymore. If she doesn't get her way, she has no problem ruining my weekend. She will maliciously tear down all the things that make me happy--friends, activities, hobbies, interests--anything that doesn't involve her front and center.
She is without a doubt the hardest girl to please that I ever met. And something as simple as me not wanting to go beyond just holding her in my arms and automatically--"I'm nauseous", "get away", "I need to sit by myself", etc...
I think she likes to escape reality--and I'm her quickest route to that escape. She wants instant gratification at the snap of her fingers, almost literally, but she doesn't take my state of mind into account. I try to hug her, kiss her, and just make her feel beautiful and loved. I do my best to just gauge how she's feeling. Her response tonight when I tried it? "I would do it if you didn't have coffee breath".
Immediate turn-off there. Ok, you're obviously not in the mood. It's okay, I'm used to not getting my way. It's not something I base my judgment or you on. Lets move on and you can use the internet and look at your sites, then we can go to eat where you want to go, watch what you want to watch on TV, go study where you want to study, etc. And I don't complain about a single bit of it. All I ask in return is that once in a while, you let me keep in contact with a few of my close friends. I cut my fringe friends off a long time ago, they're completely out of my life. Paul, Fat Mike, any potential new friend--I don't have time for these people. And that's fine. I would much rather have you in my life than a bunch of acquaintances I hang out with here and there. But I would like to keep somewhat of a friendship with the rest of my friends. My real friends. Curtis, Eric, Craig, Matt, Dan, and Courtney. If I can keep a friendship there and still keep you as the dominant relationship in my life, I would be very very happy.
Now her phone is off and I'm probably not talking to her till Saturday. That's just great.
3/25/05 - Is it possible it's over?
The spark has faded? I find myself itching for the freedoms of single life and maybe I want that loneliness and sense of wonder and confusion again. I find myself at once bored and frustrated with our relationship more often than not.
Her antics used to be amusing, now they are frustrating. It's a constant stream of insecurity that I can't handle. We've been on the phone with each other for about 7 hours now, because she can't live without me being on the phone. I almost can't take it.
I can't just live life avoiding fighting. Maybe we're too different? I like sports, she likes fashion. I like good music, she likes pop radio fluff. I enjoy reading about our world, she reads tabloids. I'm not into really anything she's into. And vice-versa. What could we possibly do together for the next 60-70 years? Fuckit, how about the next 5 years? The next year?
Some more: I'm very loyal to my friends, she has no real friends to speak of besides me.
Is it possible we're doomed to fail?
Will she ever accept me for who I am? That's the real question. Because outside of all of our clashing interests and different personalities, I NEED her to accept me for who I am. Everything about me. She needs to understand me at a deeper level. Realize that I love being with her, but I also need my alone time and time with other friends. Realize that I enjoy some things that have nothing to do with her, and not because I don't love her, but because that was me BEFORE I met her, and who I will continue to be.
I'm not the guy she idealizes me as. If she wants someone out of a movie who acts like a Prince Charming, then she's in for a real disappointment.
I need someone who will give me enough breathing room so that I can still be my own person. I know she needs a lot of support and nearly round-the-clock supervision, and I'm really trying to do that, but I can't ALWAYS be on hand and foot for her. Hell, sometimes *I* need support myself.
The only way we're gonna have a real future is if she realizes who I am and accepts it. Right now, she doesn't realize it. She's still captivated by that idealized image she has of me and she's disappointed/hurt/angry any time I act in a way that betrays that image of me.
...Like now. We find a way to get in a fight for ANY reason. "Eric fell and hurt his shoulder". Her: "That seems like an injury that would happen to someone older". Me: "Well, he fell on it, who knows how he hurt it." Her: Find, defend him all you want" *click*
What the fuck? The whole night, ruined now. Because supposedly I used a "tone" that was inappropriate. Fuck this, I'm so tired of constantly defending myself. It's 3:20 AM and we're fighting over bullshit. It never ends. Once again, two things causing a fight: me having friends outside of Lucy, and her image of me as the type that understands everything she says on first listen shattered. It comes down to the fact that she feels like I put them first. Anything I say that could possibly question what she meant comes off as "defending" them to her.
She WILL realize she was wrong, and she WILL apologize to me. If not tonight, then tomorrow morning, or tomorrow afternoon.
Her antics used to be amusing, now they are frustrating. It's a constant stream of insecurity that I can't handle. We've been on the phone with each other for about 7 hours now, because she can't live without me being on the phone. I almost can't take it.
I can't just live life avoiding fighting. Maybe we're too different? I like sports, she likes fashion. I like good music, she likes pop radio fluff. I enjoy reading about our world, she reads tabloids. I'm not into really anything she's into. And vice-versa. What could we possibly do together for the next 60-70 years? Fuckit, how about the next 5 years? The next year?
Some more: I'm very loyal to my friends, she has no real friends to speak of besides me.
Is it possible we're doomed to fail?
Will she ever accept me for who I am? That's the real question. Because outside of all of our clashing interests and different personalities, I NEED her to accept me for who I am. Everything about me. She needs to understand me at a deeper level. Realize that I love being with her, but I also need my alone time and time with other friends. Realize that I enjoy some things that have nothing to do with her, and not because I don't love her, but because that was me BEFORE I met her, and who I will continue to be.
I'm not the guy she idealizes me as. If she wants someone out of a movie who acts like a Prince Charming, then she's in for a real disappointment.
I need someone who will give me enough breathing room so that I can still be my own person. I know she needs a lot of support and nearly round-the-clock supervision, and I'm really trying to do that, but I can't ALWAYS be on hand and foot for her. Hell, sometimes *I* need support myself.
The only way we're gonna have a real future is if she realizes who I am and accepts it. Right now, she doesn't realize it. She's still captivated by that idealized image she has of me and she's disappointed/hurt/angry any time I act in a way that betrays that image of me.
...Like now. We find a way to get in a fight for ANY reason. "Eric fell and hurt his shoulder". Her: "That seems like an injury that would happen to someone older". Me: "Well, he fell on it, who knows how he hurt it." Her: Find, defend him all you want" *click*
What the fuck? The whole night, ruined now. Because supposedly I used a "tone" that was inappropriate. Fuck this, I'm so tired of constantly defending myself. It's 3:20 AM and we're fighting over bullshit. It never ends. Once again, two things causing a fight: me having friends outside of Lucy, and her image of me as the type that understands everything she says on first listen shattered. It comes down to the fact that she feels like I put them first. Anything I say that could possibly question what she meant comes off as "defending" them to her.
She WILL realize she was wrong, and she WILL apologize to me. If not tonight, then tomorrow morning, or tomorrow afternoon.
Monday, February 7, 2011
3/2/2005 - ...And there is a lot about me that you have chosen to ignore
...and turn your back on, and we can't move forward past this stumbling block until we face it head on.
My friends are not in competition with you. They are people I have grown to know well and love in a certain way. You are in a position in my life where you are not just another friend, but something more. My friends will always be a part of my life, and you have chosen to ignore that fact. It's almost as if you don't expect me to see them anymore, because they take me away from paying full attention to you. But they are a PART of me. They were there for me coming up and I refuse to turn my back on them and phase them out of my life.
It would be ideal if I didn't have to live separate lives and bring these two worlds together, but I know that is unlikely, and I want to reach some sort of compromise where you accept the fact that by committing yourself to me, you are committing yourself to ALL of me, including the part of me that respects past friendships enough to keep them alive. This is something I don not take lightly and it is something that I really hope and pray that you come to accept and understand.
If you have noticed, the majority of our fights come from you believing that I am not paying enough attention to you or that I am not committed enough to you. I think you equate my friendships as something juvenile and something I have not grown out of yet, while in my mind, I am waiting for the day you realize that these are people who will be in my life forever.
The same goes for my family. Until you can realize that I can talk to other people and still love you just as much as I do when its just us together, there will always be this conflict.
Why can't I finish entries anymore???
My friends are not in competition with you. They are people I have grown to know well and love in a certain way. You are in a position in my life where you are not just another friend, but something more. My friends will always be a part of my life, and you have chosen to ignore that fact. It's almost as if you don't expect me to see them anymore, because they take me away from paying full attention to you. But they are a PART of me. They were there for me coming up and I refuse to turn my back on them and phase them out of my life.
It would be ideal if I didn't have to live separate lives and bring these two worlds together, but I know that is unlikely, and I want to reach some sort of compromise where you accept the fact that by committing yourself to me, you are committing yourself to ALL of me, including the part of me that respects past friendships enough to keep them alive. This is something I don not take lightly and it is something that I really hope and pray that you come to accept and understand.
If you have noticed, the majority of our fights come from you believing that I am not paying enough attention to you or that I am not committed enough to you. I think you equate my friendships as something juvenile and something I have not grown out of yet, while in my mind, I am waiting for the day you realize that these are people who will be in my life forever.
The same goes for my family. Until you can realize that I can talk to other people and still love you just as much as I do when its just us together, there will always be this conflict.
Why can't I finish entries anymore???
2/14/05 - Well, it's officially our 3rd Valentine's Day as a couple and how are we spending it?
How we spend 3 days a week every week--not talking to each other.
We spent Saturday together, which was fun aside from me feeling inadequate because I didn't have any grand plans and only included a nice dinner, a heartfelt card, and a DVD that I'm going to watch with her when it arrives.
But today? On the official day? I give her a call, enjoy talking to her for a few minutes, then she gets into her jealous mode where she asks first if my professor hit on me--half-joking since she got real mad at me one time for me talking about how he pretty much controls my future, then she says that the girls in my class are going to fall in love with me--again, fine if it's just a joke, but I can tell that her inadequacy is once again showing and it puts me in a defensive position again, then she has to say something about Raechel, since she's her obsession and will never be out of my life no matter how much I want her to. Then, of all sore subjects, she brings up my mom's vacation, knowing full well that I don't really like talking about things like that.
So we get past all of that. I'm done defending myself for 10 minutes like most of our conversations go, and now that I'm in this defensive mood, she mentions that she is getting me something for Valentine's Day. Feeling at once guilty and defensive, I tell her that she doesn't have to get my anything. It feels like she's just doing it because it's v-day, and I know how she feels about material things as gifts, so I honestly tell her that a gift isn't necessary. I say taht she's not working and that she doesn't have to do that, besides, you...hello? Lucy, are you there?
She calls back.
"Why do you have to mention that I don't have a job?"
Oh. Shit. I wasn't even thinking of your whole job hunt when I said that. I mean, I say that every occasion when you're about to get me something, and I'm so confident you're going to get a job that I don't really think about those things. I didn't mean it in a way where I was alluding to your job hunt. I just meant at this moment in time you don't have a job, and you don't have that much money, so don't worry about getting me anything, because all I ask is taht you are happy and enjoy your time with me.
The heavy feeling passed. I can't write anymore at this time.
We spent Saturday together, which was fun aside from me feeling inadequate because I didn't have any grand plans and only included a nice dinner, a heartfelt card, and a DVD that I'm going to watch with her when it arrives.
But today? On the official day? I give her a call, enjoy talking to her for a few minutes, then she gets into her jealous mode where she asks first if my professor hit on me--half-joking since she got real mad at me one time for me talking about how he pretty much controls my future, then she says that the girls in my class are going to fall in love with me--again, fine if it's just a joke, but I can tell that her inadequacy is once again showing and it puts me in a defensive position again, then she has to say something about Raechel, since she's her obsession and will never be out of my life no matter how much I want her to. Then, of all sore subjects, she brings up my mom's vacation, knowing full well that I don't really like talking about things like that.
So we get past all of that. I'm done defending myself for 10 minutes like most of our conversations go, and now that I'm in this defensive mood, she mentions that she is getting me something for Valentine's Day. Feeling at once guilty and defensive, I tell her that she doesn't have to get my anything. It feels like she's just doing it because it's v-day, and I know how she feels about material things as gifts, so I honestly tell her that a gift isn't necessary. I say taht she's not working and that she doesn't have to do that, besides, you...hello? Lucy, are you there?
She calls back.
"Why do you have to mention that I don't have a job?"
Oh. Shit. I wasn't even thinking of your whole job hunt when I said that. I mean, I say that every occasion when you're about to get me something, and I'm so confident you're going to get a job that I don't really think about those things. I didn't mean it in a way where I was alluding to your job hunt. I just meant at this moment in time you don't have a job, and you don't have that much money, so don't worry about getting me anything, because all I ask is taht you are happy and enjoy your time with me.
The heavy feeling passed. I can't write anymore at this time.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
12/20/2004 - I'm usually a mix between anger and worry
But this time, it's more of a numbness. Because I can't blame her for being upset that her mother's not going to be home for xmas and that her family is in the middle of a fight and all the shit surrounding her right now. I can't defend myself when she says that xmas has lost all meaning and implies that I'm sort of a part of all of that. I have to just sit and reflect on my life and what is meaningful to me, and hope that those are the same values that are meaningful to Lucy.
My family is important. I know that the traditions we uphold on xmas are very materialistic and consumer-driven, and that's why there's such an empty feeling when the day is over and all the new crap we just bought is put away. I don't need any of that, personally. It is nice to get things and to play with new stuff and wear new clothes and all of that, but ultimately, I just want to spend time with the people I love. It's not a long list. Basically, it consists of all of the people with which I've gotten to know and made some sort of deeper connection. My mom, sister, uncle, aunt, cousins, grandma, and god bless his soul, my grandpa. That's it as far as family. I mean, I like my more extended family--the A's, the McD's, etc., but I don't love them.
Lucy is someone I love, because she has gotten closer to me than anyone else in my life. She's the only person I've ever told my little secret to, although I'm sure she's not the only one that knows. She's someone that I see myself marrying, but only after we both mature into competent and understanding adults. We're still kids right now, because we still don't know exactly how to make things run smoothly. Hell, we haven't even stepped into the real world yet. We have a lot of life to still experience and a lot of growing up to do before we decide to settle down and become one in the eyes of God.
Finally, there's my friends. I can only say that I love 4 people out of all the friends I have. Curtis, Eric, Matt, and Craig. Everyone else is cool, but I don't see myself ever being as open with them as I am with these 4. I don't know if love is the proper word, because it's a different feeling than with Lucy, but then again my love for Lucy is obviously different than my love for my family, so the word to me just means a deeper closeness and understanding, which can vary depending on who it's with.
Anyways, back to xmas. I'm sure it's been said a million times before, but the consumer mentality is at an all-time high during this season. From outdoing the neighbors xmas lights to having the nicest tree to buying the best gifts--it doesn't end. I enjoy giving gifts, and I'm glad xmas allows me to buy things for people, but its that obligation that's disturbing. When I go to the uncle's for that day, and the cousins are just all over the place with all their freshly bought stuff, still with the stickers and tags on them, surrounding the house, I can't help but feel like I'm betraying my own beliefs. Deep down, I hate capitalism in all its forms, and the competition and materialism it breeds during the xmas season should be tops on my list for what I'm against, but instead its all-encompassing reach grabs me and turns me into the ultra-capitalist for the weeks, constantly thinking and feeling like I must buy things for people or else I'm not a true friend, or true loving family member, or true boyfriend. In the end, I'm sort of satisfied with getting presents that reflect what I know about the people I love and what I share in common with them. I just wish I could do this more often and without being forced to spend certain quotas of money. I can't believe I was talking about how I got my "base shopping" out of the way and strategizing on what I need to get and for who, etc.
Why should a storebought gift be worth all that much more than a visit home, or an hour spent together talking, or hanging out together, or cooking dinner, or making a gesture that you recognize what I'm feeling and you're making an attempt to empathize. All these things are worth so much more than some object that's going to collect dust in my room for the next year. But they're not valued, because they don't have a price tag on them.
I'll say this. My soul feels like it's satisfied when I can just sit and talk from the heart with someone without all the bullshit posturing that's usually involved. That's a gift. That's the best gift I could ever receive. Being able to talk throughout the night and reach certain levels of deepness without resorting to bullshit distractions like the internet or TV to fill our surface desires and keep us from thinking at all.
All I want for xmas is to be able to find new levels of understanding and for my soul to be filled. All the toys and clothes in the world aren't going to fill this void. It takes a little more effort. Not just putting out fires here and there and hoping everyone likes me. I mean deep spiritual understanding and acceptance of my life.
But I guess it's a lot easier to buy each other shit and never say a meaningful word to each other.
My family is important. I know that the traditions we uphold on xmas are very materialistic and consumer-driven, and that's why there's such an empty feeling when the day is over and all the new crap we just bought is put away. I don't need any of that, personally. It is nice to get things and to play with new stuff and wear new clothes and all of that, but ultimately, I just want to spend time with the people I love. It's not a long list. Basically, it consists of all of the people with which I've gotten to know and made some sort of deeper connection. My mom, sister, uncle, aunt, cousins, grandma, and god bless his soul, my grandpa. That's it as far as family. I mean, I like my more extended family--the A's, the McD's, etc., but I don't love them.
Lucy is someone I love, because she has gotten closer to me than anyone else in my life. She's the only person I've ever told my little secret to, although I'm sure she's not the only one that knows. She's someone that I see myself marrying, but only after we both mature into competent and understanding adults. We're still kids right now, because we still don't know exactly how to make things run smoothly. Hell, we haven't even stepped into the real world yet. We have a lot of life to still experience and a lot of growing up to do before we decide to settle down and become one in the eyes of God.
Finally, there's my friends. I can only say that I love 4 people out of all the friends I have. Curtis, Eric, Matt, and Craig. Everyone else is cool, but I don't see myself ever being as open with them as I am with these 4. I don't know if love is the proper word, because it's a different feeling than with Lucy, but then again my love for Lucy is obviously different than my love for my family, so the word to me just means a deeper closeness and understanding, which can vary depending on who it's with.
Anyways, back to xmas. I'm sure it's been said a million times before, but the consumer mentality is at an all-time high during this season. From outdoing the neighbors xmas lights to having the nicest tree to buying the best gifts--it doesn't end. I enjoy giving gifts, and I'm glad xmas allows me to buy things for people, but its that obligation that's disturbing. When I go to the uncle's for that day, and the cousins are just all over the place with all their freshly bought stuff, still with the stickers and tags on them, surrounding the house, I can't help but feel like I'm betraying my own beliefs. Deep down, I hate capitalism in all its forms, and the competition and materialism it breeds during the xmas season should be tops on my list for what I'm against, but instead its all-encompassing reach grabs me and turns me into the ultra-capitalist for the weeks, constantly thinking and feeling like I must buy things for people or else I'm not a true friend, or true loving family member, or true boyfriend. In the end, I'm sort of satisfied with getting presents that reflect what I know about the people I love and what I share in common with them. I just wish I could do this more often and without being forced to spend certain quotas of money. I can't believe I was talking about how I got my "base shopping" out of the way and strategizing on what I need to get and for who, etc.
Why should a storebought gift be worth all that much more than a visit home, or an hour spent together talking, or hanging out together, or cooking dinner, or making a gesture that you recognize what I'm feeling and you're making an attempt to empathize. All these things are worth so much more than some object that's going to collect dust in my room for the next year. But they're not valued, because they don't have a price tag on them.
I'll say this. My soul feels like it's satisfied when I can just sit and talk from the heart with someone without all the bullshit posturing that's usually involved. That's a gift. That's the best gift I could ever receive. Being able to talk throughout the night and reach certain levels of deepness without resorting to bullshit distractions like the internet or TV to fill our surface desires and keep us from thinking at all.
All I want for xmas is to be able to find new levels of understanding and for my soul to be filled. All the toys and clothes in the world aren't going to fill this void. It takes a little more effort. Not just putting out fires here and there and hoping everyone likes me. I mean deep spiritual understanding and acceptance of my life.
But I guess it's a lot easier to buy each other shit and never say a meaningful word to each other.
11/10/04 - I'm leaving for AZ on Saturday morning
Today is Wednesday. Lucy has been really sad. I'm going to be gone all weekend and she has a test next Wednesday. She's going to be sad from the minute I leave until the minute I get back, and maybe even after I get back. I hate the fact that I can do this to her. I hate the fact that I can make her so sad.
Now she's not going to think about me anymore, and she doesn't know who I am anymore. She doesn't even want to talk to me until I get back on Tuesday, or if I'm lucky, late Monday night. I don't even know. I just feel miserable and this confirms that I will never again in my entire life plan another trip away from Lucy for as long as I live.
Now she's not going to think about me anymore, and she doesn't know who I am anymore. She doesn't even want to talk to me until I get back on Tuesday, or if I'm lucky, late Monday night. I don't even know. I just feel miserable and this confirms that I will never again in my entire life plan another trip away from Lucy for as long as I live.
10/18/2004 - Why do I get such clarity of mind at 2:30 AM when I have to wake up early the next day?
I always have to keep in mind that Lucy suffers from a crippling illness called depression. I accepted the fact that I am going to go through a lot of shit due to this, and it may never get better, but I need to be by her side throughout all of this. I have to understand that her insecurity is related to her depression. And that her attachment to me and wanting to always be in contact with me in some way, shape, or form is related to it as well. I am going to have to make sacrifices. I will have to give up some things I enjoy. I'll have to lose touch with friends and maybe even family.
I don't know. I'm tired and want to go to sleep, but at the same time I want to write while I'm in this state of mind. Fuck it. Hopefully I'll be able to put my thoughts together tomorrow. Good night.
I don't know. I'm tired and want to go to sleep, but at the same time I want to write while I'm in this state of mind. Fuck it. Hopefully I'll be able to put my thoughts together tomorrow. Good night.
9/30/04 - I really wish I could get some balance in my life...
...without offending my friends, pissing Lucy off, or failing my classes. I've come to dread weekends almost as much as I dread the school week. Everybody wants to know where I'm going and what I'm doing over the weekend and I'm propositioned with about fifty different things to do.
I think I know why Lucy's pissed at me now. It's because I told Curtis that he could come for the game on Sunday, and now that Lucy is working on Saturday, she wants to spend the day with me. I talked to Lucy about it first, and she seemed okay with it, so I texted Curtis and told him he could come. But now that Lucy wants me for that day, I'm just going to give in and tell him not to. I can't fight anymore. I don't have--
--
I think I know why Lucy's pissed at me now. It's because I told Curtis that he could come for the game on Sunday, and now that Lucy is working on Saturday, she wants to spend the day with me. I talked to Lucy about it first, and she seemed okay with it, so I texted Curtis and told him he could come. But now that Lucy wants me for that day, I'm just going to give in and tell him not to. I can't fight anymore. I don't have--
--
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
9/9/04 - I'm sitting in my room waiting for Lucy to call me
It's useless to hold my breath, though, because I know she isn't calling me back tonight. I had planned on relaxing tonight, considering I read and did work before class today. But Lucy wanted my schedule to fit hers, and because I wasn't completely enthusiastic about staying on the phone and studying for the next few hours, she hung up on me and now she won't talk to me.
It wasn't too long ago when Lucy told me that she wanted us to really limit our time on the phone together. When we came to that agreement, I immediately told her that I was going to put my foot down and it was going to lead to fights. I saw this coming a long time ago.
I wanted to watch the game tonight, after she reminded me of it, but after she mentioned it a few times that she wants me to study, I told her that I would talk to her instead. I fucking hate fighting more than anything. I hate being the cause of Lucy's unhappiness, and I hate not knowing how she's feeling because she won't talk to me.--
--
Well she called in tears and wouldn't stay on the line with me. She just said good night and hung up.
It wasn't too long ago when Lucy told me that she wanted us to really limit our time on the phone together. When we came to that agreement, I immediately told her that I was going to put my foot down and it was going to lead to fights. I saw this coming a long time ago.
I wanted to watch the game tonight, after she reminded me of it, but after she mentioned it a few times that she wants me to study, I told her that I would talk to her instead. I fucking hate fighting more than anything. I hate being the cause of Lucy's unhappiness, and I hate not knowing how she's feeling because she won't talk to me.--
--
Well she called in tears and wouldn't stay on the line with me. She just said good night and hung up.
8/20/04 - Well, like I said in my text, I want to apologize to you
Sometimes when I have too much to balance out, I schedule things like they are jobs, even if I enjoy doing them. Looking back on my old journals from high school, I did that even back then because it was the only way to keep my mind organized and not forget about the things I'd rather not be doing (like moving). I like to get the shit I don't like out of the way so I can enjoy the things I like to do.
Whether it's an exam or paper, or if it's moving all the shit out of my house, until that job is done it just weighs on my mind and I can't fully enjoy anything else.
The mistake I made was making it seem like the work we did together, helping you study and shopping for your skirt, was enough and that the REALLY important stuff now had to be done. That is not the case.
I wanted to hang out with you and relax more than anything else, but as you could probably tell while we were shopping, that burden of having to go home and move all my shit was weighing on my mind and knowing my other roommates were getting it done without my help just made me feel worse. I wish that I could just turn off that feeling, but I couldn't, and the fact that I was going to be able to hang out with you all day today and after work on Saturday made me feel like I had a reward for all the hard work I had to do.
If you know me, you know I'm always trying to plan for the future. When I have a big paper to write, I always say the same thing to myself to help me get through it-- "after tomorrow, I'll be able to relax and enjoy myself". That thought that no matter what happens right now, it will all be over by a certain time is the only thing that keeps me going.
But this time it involved you. And instead of explaining to you everything that was going through my head, I just assumed you understood and I was very cold and harsh in how I put things. I didn't take into account the fact that you had just come from a horrible week of finals and clinicals and that you just wanted to relax right then, and right there.
I know that you live more for the present and I live more for the future, and that difference is what the main cause of this argument was. I consoled myself by saying that tomorrow and Saturday is going to more than make up for all the shit I have to do now. The way I acted it out, though, is that I just brushed you aside because I put in my hours with you, and now it's time for more important things. I know you're all about the here and now, and I don't blame you for that, it's just how you are.
You were right to get mad at me for acting that way, because I wasn't making an effort to see your side of the story. I couldn't possibly understand why you were getting mad, because I felt like I had done the right thing and didn't realize that you needed me at that very moment to help you wind down and make the transition to relax for the next few days. I thought of your life through my eyes, and I knew that if I had just finished finals and were to have the next 2 weeks off, and I could sleep over your house tomorrow and see you--
--
Whether it's an exam or paper, or if it's moving all the shit out of my house, until that job is done it just weighs on my mind and I can't fully enjoy anything else.
The mistake I made was making it seem like the work we did together, helping you study and shopping for your skirt, was enough and that the REALLY important stuff now had to be done. That is not the case.
I wanted to hang out with you and relax more than anything else, but as you could probably tell while we were shopping, that burden of having to go home and move all my shit was weighing on my mind and knowing my other roommates were getting it done without my help just made me feel worse. I wish that I could just turn off that feeling, but I couldn't, and the fact that I was going to be able to hang out with you all day today and after work on Saturday made me feel like I had a reward for all the hard work I had to do.
If you know me, you know I'm always trying to plan for the future. When I have a big paper to write, I always say the same thing to myself to help me get through it-- "after tomorrow, I'll be able to relax and enjoy myself". That thought that no matter what happens right now, it will all be over by a certain time is the only thing that keeps me going.
But this time it involved you. And instead of explaining to you everything that was going through my head, I just assumed you understood and I was very cold and harsh in how I put things. I didn't take into account the fact that you had just come from a horrible week of finals and clinicals and that you just wanted to relax right then, and right there.
I know that you live more for the present and I live more for the future, and that difference is what the main cause of this argument was. I consoled myself by saying that tomorrow and Saturday is going to more than make up for all the shit I have to do now. The way I acted it out, though, is that I just brushed you aside because I put in my hours with you, and now it's time for more important things. I know you're all about the here and now, and I don't blame you for that, it's just how you are.
You were right to get mad at me for acting that way, because I wasn't making an effort to see your side of the story. I couldn't possibly understand why you were getting mad, because I felt like I had done the right thing and didn't realize that you needed me at that very moment to help you wind down and make the transition to relax for the next few days. I thought of your life through my eyes, and I knew that if I had just finished finals and were to have the next 2 weeks off, and I could sleep over your house tomorrow and see you--
--
Is it possible it's over?
The spark has faded? I find myself itching for the freedoms of bachelor life, and maybe I want that loneliness and sense of wonder again. I find myself at once bored and frustrated with our relationship more often than not.
Lucy, I love you and from the heart I expect to in reality spend the rest of my life with you. But I want to make sure that we are ready to accept each other, faults and all, which I don't think we have gotten to yet. I always pictured marriage as a natural progression of a relationship and only after going through the struggles and being able to talk through them will we ever reach that point.
I am madly in love with you. That is not in question. But at 22 years old, still a college student, and still considering myself a kid, I know that I couldn't make a lifelong official commitment at this point in my life. We still go through fights where our very relationship gets put into question, and if we're still shaky at times, then we are nowhere near--
--
-you have different short-term plans than me
-? our relationship
-you must wait a few years, at least
-if you're not willing to wait, I understand
-"what if?" I got sick? Can't be bullied into marriage.
-2 years is a big difference
-love to spoil you. Love to make you happy. But this is one thing I can't do. Must do on my own time, when I'm ready
-still try to avoid fights instead of being comfortable
-don't love yourself. Need to look inside before attaching yourself to someone
-WANT me, not NEED me
-understand your need for kids. Me too. -- but can't rush into this for that reason
-I pray to God you understand. If not, I don't want to hurt you.
-Obsession with Raechel. Need to accept the fact that I love you. She's out of my life, as much as you want to bring her back in.
-Must accept that Craig, Eric, Matt, Curtis, Sharon WILL be in my life. If you can accept that, we're closer
-Marriage is going to be different than our relationship now.
-We're compromising more
-Not "all about you" anymore
-My movies, music, sports. Things that make me happy JUST AS IMPORTANT as you, maybe to learn more about me
Lucy, I love you and from the heart I expect to in reality spend the rest of my life with you. But I want to make sure that we are ready to accept each other, faults and all, which I don't think we have gotten to yet. I always pictured marriage as a natural progression of a relationship and only after going through the struggles and being able to talk through them will we ever reach that point.
I am madly in love with you. That is not in question. But at 22 years old, still a college student, and still considering myself a kid, I know that I couldn't make a lifelong official commitment at this point in my life. We still go through fights where our very relationship gets put into question, and if we're still shaky at times, then we are nowhere near--
--
-you have different short-term plans than me
-? our relationship
-you must wait a few years, at least
-if you're not willing to wait, I understand
-"what if?" I got sick? Can't be bullied into marriage.
-2 years is a big difference
-love to spoil you. Love to make you happy. But this is one thing I can't do. Must do on my own time, when I'm ready
-still try to avoid fights instead of being comfortable
-don't love yourself. Need to look inside before attaching yourself to someone
-WANT me, not NEED me
-understand your need for kids. Me too. -- but can't rush into this for that reason
-I pray to God you understand. If not, I don't want to hurt you.
-Obsession with Raechel. Need to accept the fact that I love you. She's out of my life, as much as you want to bring her back in.
-Must accept that Craig, Eric, Matt, Curtis, Sharon WILL be in my life. If you can accept that, we're closer
-Marriage is going to be different than our relationship now.
-We're compromising more
-Not "all about you" anymore
-My movies, music, sports. Things that make me happy JUST AS IMPORTANT as you, maybe to learn more about me
8/19/04 - What's left?
I suffered my first panic attack of my life tonight when Lucy told me that she had been lying to me for the past two years and that she didn't love me and doesn't even care about me. She then later took it back and said that she was just saying those things to intentionally hurt me, which might just confirm it even more.
She really is selfish. It's not enough that I spend every waking moment worry about her and hoping she won't be mad at me for one reason or another, but she wants me to take every moment she's there and ignore every other thing going on in my life. The incredibly scary part of all this is that I saw elements of Kelly in her tonight. And I don't know if that's something I can change. This is what happens when she doesn't get her way. If she sees it doesn't hurt me, she goes for the jugular and says or does anything possible to break me down.
After tonight's display, I really have to think to myself -- is this the girl I see myself spending the rest of my life with? Can someone really love me if they don't ever want me to be happy outside of things only we do together? I go out of my way to take her out to eat, go to the mall, help her study, get out of work early, lock ourselves like hermits in my room, be as antisocial as possible, and keep no more than a basic acquaintance relationship with my friends and family just so she knows she's front and center in my life and that she comes before anything else. Nothing is good enough for her when it comes to me having to take care of certain things.
The first time we broke up, it was because I had to study and couldn't talk very long that night. The second time we broke up, it was because I didn't talk to her that night and was talking to my uncle, aunt, grandma, and cousins, who I hadn't seen in some time. The third time we (unofficially) broke up, it was--fuck, I don't even really remember why, but it was something similar, because our solution was to back up a little bit and give each other space.
I don't even know what to write about or what to focus on. My mind is such a fucking mess right now, and once again all plans are ruined because of this. I was really looking forward to being able to finally spend the night with her tomorrow. Now that's shot. I was excited about going to this wedding with her on Sept 4th. That looks bleak now. She was supposed to go to a Bachelorette party tomorrow night. That most likely won't happen.
All because I wanted to see if my roommates needed help moving anything. She flipped the fuck out. Stopped talking to me. Insisted I get out at my house so she could drive home. Told me she didn't want to come over tomorrow. And, eventually, her telling me that she never loved me and that our whole relationship was a lie.
My one dictum I love by is that you don't TRULY know somebody until you've been through a moment of crisis with them. And I think I really saw the true Lucy today. Selfish, bitter, and willing to do anything possible to hurt me. Is this the girl who I want to one day be the mother of my children? Someone who brings me down to the point where I'll have a panic attack just because I choose to see if my roommates need help moving instead of hide away with her for the rest of the night?
She told me she needed me tonight. But why? Why couldn't she sit there like an adult and tell me what we needed to talk about?Why does everything come out during fights?
We have zero communication about why she acts the way she does or feels the way she feels. I just have to brace myself for the backlash when shit goes down, because I can never predict it. How can someone who is laid back about just about everything else in my life go on to one day have a panic attack? I handled so much shit up to this point in my life, but Lucy has broken me down to a weak, [illegible] nub. She is manipulative and out to hurt me, and I just keep going back for more.
I just wanted to get through this wedding. We had our ups and downs this summer, but I always thought that we'd be okay come September. But when she goes out of her way to blatantly hurt me, how am I supposed to react? Should I forgive and forget without a second guess? Do I ask her if we can talk about it?
I think we have to talk and be clear that something like what happened tonight can NEVER take place again. Ever. She has got to realize what our limits are and never cross certain lines. You NEVER tell someone you're supposed to love that you don't love them just to break them down and make them cry. This was an argument over me not being there when she needs me, even though I spent all of Sunday and all of Wednesday night helping her study for her finals, and from 4:45 to 9:30 spending time with her after work and helping her pick out a skirt for tomorrow's party.
There are far deeper issues that I can't resolve here. I don't know the healthiest way to deal with them, outside of therapy, because it is blatantly obvious that she has a mental illness. Something is wrong with her if we can't share an honest, open relationship. Instead, this relationship is based on her leaning all her body weight on me and me doing everything I can to keep her standing while with the other hand balancing school, work, friends, family, roommates, etc... Sometimes I need to use my other hand to balance these things, and Lucy falls down.
The key to this is not to keep my hand on her at all times, but for her to learn to stand on her own. At that point, she can choose whether or not she wants to be a part of my life, or walk on her own and choose someone else.
Only when she WANTS to be with me (as opposed to NEEDING to be with me) can this relationship truly grow beyond the very little progress we've made so far.
She really is selfish. It's not enough that I spend every waking moment worry about her and hoping she won't be mad at me for one reason or another, but she wants me to take every moment she's there and ignore every other thing going on in my life. The incredibly scary part of all this is that I saw elements of Kelly in her tonight. And I don't know if that's something I can change. This is what happens when she doesn't get her way. If she sees it doesn't hurt me, she goes for the jugular and says or does anything possible to break me down.
After tonight's display, I really have to think to myself -- is this the girl I see myself spending the rest of my life with? Can someone really love me if they don't ever want me to be happy outside of things only we do together? I go out of my way to take her out to eat, go to the mall, help her study, get out of work early, lock ourselves like hermits in my room, be as antisocial as possible, and keep no more than a basic acquaintance relationship with my friends and family just so she knows she's front and center in my life and that she comes before anything else. Nothing is good enough for her when it comes to me having to take care of certain things.
The first time we broke up, it was because I had to study and couldn't talk very long that night. The second time we broke up, it was because I didn't talk to her that night and was talking to my uncle, aunt, grandma, and cousins, who I hadn't seen in some time. The third time we (unofficially) broke up, it was--fuck, I don't even really remember why, but it was something similar, because our solution was to back up a little bit and give each other space.
I don't even know what to write about or what to focus on. My mind is such a fucking mess right now, and once again all plans are ruined because of this. I was really looking forward to being able to finally spend the night with her tomorrow. Now that's shot. I was excited about going to this wedding with her on Sept 4th. That looks bleak now. She was supposed to go to a Bachelorette party tomorrow night. That most likely won't happen.
All because I wanted to see if my roommates needed help moving anything. She flipped the fuck out. Stopped talking to me. Insisted I get out at my house so she could drive home. Told me she didn't want to come over tomorrow. And, eventually, her telling me that she never loved me and that our whole relationship was a lie.
My one dictum I love by is that you don't TRULY know somebody until you've been through a moment of crisis with them. And I think I really saw the true Lucy today. Selfish, bitter, and willing to do anything possible to hurt me. Is this the girl who I want to one day be the mother of my children? Someone who brings me down to the point where I'll have a panic attack just because I choose to see if my roommates need help moving instead of hide away with her for the rest of the night?
She told me she needed me tonight. But why? Why couldn't she sit there like an adult and tell me what we needed to talk about?Why does everything come out during fights?
We have zero communication about why she acts the way she does or feels the way she feels. I just have to brace myself for the backlash when shit goes down, because I can never predict it. How can someone who is laid back about just about everything else in my life go on to one day have a panic attack? I handled so much shit up to this point in my life, but Lucy has broken me down to a weak, [illegible] nub. She is manipulative and out to hurt me, and I just keep going back for more.
I just wanted to get through this wedding. We had our ups and downs this summer, but I always thought that we'd be okay come September. But when she goes out of her way to blatantly hurt me, how am I supposed to react? Should I forgive and forget without a second guess? Do I ask her if we can talk about it?
I think we have to talk and be clear that something like what happened tonight can NEVER take place again. Ever. She has got to realize what our limits are and never cross certain lines. You NEVER tell someone you're supposed to love that you don't love them just to break them down and make them cry. This was an argument over me not being there when she needs me, even though I spent all of Sunday and all of Wednesday night helping her study for her finals, and from 4:45 to 9:30 spending time with her after work and helping her pick out a skirt for tomorrow's party.
There are far deeper issues that I can't resolve here. I don't know the healthiest way to deal with them, outside of therapy, because it is blatantly obvious that she has a mental illness. Something is wrong with her if we can't share an honest, open relationship. Instead, this relationship is based on her leaning all her body weight on me and me doing everything I can to keep her standing while with the other hand balancing school, work, friends, family, roommates, etc... Sometimes I need to use my other hand to balance these things, and Lucy falls down.
The key to this is not to keep my hand on her at all times, but for her to learn to stand on her own. At that point, she can choose whether or not she wants to be a part of my life, or walk on her own and choose someone else.
Only when she WANTS to be with me (as opposed to NEEDING to be with me) can this relationship truly grow beyond the very little progress we've made so far.
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