7/27/04 - So apparently we've lost what we once had.

Strange, because I'm still the same person. Has she changed? I don't think so. So it must be the way we perceive the relationship or something.

If I wrote something down every single time we fought, I'd have a book longer than the bible in a month.

Last Tuesday, she says "Don't say you'll do anything for me ever again". This came after I decided to buzz my head because it was hot and uncomfortable the way it was. Yesterday, it was silence for a long while, making me damn near have a panic attack just wondering why the hell she could possibly be mad. Then she calls me and tells me she's just angry about school.

Today, because I couldn't think of an embarrassing story from high school, and I refused to get in the whole "what if I had a..." discussion again, all of a sudden I'm "boring", I "never tell her anything", and we "don't click anymore". Here's the random thoughts that entered my mind during this conversation:

First of all, I only called to say good night, hear her voice, and let her hear mine before we both drifted off to sleep. Of course if I said this to her she'd say something along the lines of me never wanting to talk to her and we'd fight. (lets see how many of these paths lead to a fight)

I also wanted to tell her that I don't talk to her as much because I honestly CAN'T be candid with her (at least not completely) because that always tends to lead to us fighting, or to her cutting me off. She can tell me about a book she's been reading for an hour, or talk to me about the entire premise of Dawson's Creek or One Tree Hill, and I'll sit there and listen to every damn word she says. She asks me to just sit on the phone with her in silence while she studies, and I oblige without hesitation. But the second I bring up an episode of Sopranos or a movie that I want to see, she immediately cuts me off on some "lets not talk about that". Do you know how hard it is to be expected to sing and dance for you when you keep stopping me from doing that?

There are also certain things I just can't say around her in general. I could never admit that I was ever attracted to any other female ever in my life, because she is at heart a very jealous human being. She's become obsessed with a girl that I dated and slept with FIVE YEARS AGO and she won't let me live down the fact that I didn't save myself for her even though I wasn't to meet her until two years later! She wants me to be someone that I'm not sometimes, and sometimes I find myself taking on that role just to please her.

Maybe we have nothing interesting to talk about because we talk for hours on end EVERY FUCKING DAY of the week! I want to go a day where I can send her a text message in the morning, get one back, maybe send a few more back and forth during the day, live our own lives otherwise, then talk for a brief 10-20 minutes at night to say good night. Then, when we actually hang out later that week, we'll have plenty to talk about because it will actually be refreshing to see one another instead of just fulfilling our duties.

I genuinely missed her today, which is a feeling I don't get very often anymore. I CAN'T miss her, because every time I get a second to myself, I know that she's out there waiting for me to call/text/IM/email her. Maybe if we actually had separate lives, I might be inclined to miss her, and maybe our conversations would be a little better than the pattern that we go through now, which is usually:

sweet talking -- discussing our days -- cute banter -- her accusing me of something --me backed into a corner trying to defend myself -- her being silent and difficult -- ending the conversation on a bad note

Plus it almost ALWAYS ends with me saying "I love you" and her either saying "ok", "good night", "good bye", or just plain hanging up on me.

Apparently I've been a terrible boyfriend throughout this relationship. I've committed the following atrocities that have led to fights: made fun of a kid I used to hang out with (Steven) to Craig at dinner, cut my hair, played a game of Scattergories with my roommates, told her I'd be less attracted to her if she had a penis, had sex with another girl 2 years before I even met Lucy, played cards with my uncle and my cousins, and now, couldn't think of an amusing anecdote about my awkward high school years.

I'm "boring" to talk to. Oh, she apologized and took it back, but then said it about 10 more times in other ways right after that. Apparently, we don't click anymore. I guess I just don't understand her.

I really don't want this to fall in the wrong hands, because its just me venting and I might not even mean half the shit I say, but it feels good to say it anyway. Were it not for this wedding in September, I might be a lot more confrontational about all of this. I want to be able to tell her when something is bothering me, because that's the only way I'M ever going to truly be happy. I sometimes think to myself that maybe she is too immature for me, and by breaking up with her, she will gain that perspective and maturity by realizing that there are consequences for your actions, and I'm not going to sit back and take this mental abuse much longer.

Honestly, how much more berating and humiliation can I take before I snap? How many times can I be called boring, or ugly, or a chauvinist, even if said in jest, before I start believing it myself? Just because I'm giving you the opportunity to say wahtever you want and act however the fuck you want to doesn't mean you have to take full advantage of it! Maybe you can actually take my feelings into account every once in a while and realize that lashing out at me time and time again DOES affect me and DOES take its toll on me after a while.

I started going out with you because you were someone I cared about--someone who I could see some of myself in. A humble, self-deprecating at times, girl that is open with me and also makes me feel good about myself. Now, it seems like at least 3 days of every week, you go out of your way to make me feel like absolute shit about myself, and not believe that I'm the same person I was.

Maybe I AM boring. Maybe I AM ugly. Maybe I DON'T know what the fuck I'm talking about. And the less I think of myself, the more I want to become that proud man who I once was. And if the only way for me to find that self-love and happiness is to go my separate way, then maybe that's what I have to do.

12/14/03 - Well, it's all over.

At least for now. Me and Lucy said our final words, we officially broke up, and now, a yaer and a few months later, I'm once again a single man.

For memory's sake, I'll get it on paper. I've been studying like crazy the past 3 days, and my stress level is through hte roof. My 2 exams seem to be all I can talk to anyone about, whether they want to hear it or not. After writing a paper and studying until about 8:20, I call Lucy. I have to hang up when Sharon picks me up. I call back, talk for about 10 mins, and tell her I have to study. She says "bye". I call back, leave a voice mail asking why she's making me feel guilty for studying. She breaks up with me.

I honestly didn't see that coming. Never did I expect her to end our relationship. She thinks that I don't trust her intentions. She thinks we're on shaky ground if I truly believe she was trying to make me feel guilty.

I don't believe that. I know she was pissed, which I suppose has to do with the fact that I didn't sacrifice my grade in the class to talk to her. I didn't think, and I said something hurtful on her voicemail. I apologized. I don't expect to be forgiven right away, but I didn't think that was grounds to break up with me after a year-plus.

It seems like no matter what I do in this relationship, I can NEVER convince this girl that I love her. I can NEVER convince her that she makes my life better, or that I do miss her when she's away. And it's finally caught up to me. I'm so frustrated with my life right now. Aside from all this short-term shit going on, I just don't know where I'm headed.

Even though I probably shouldn't, I'm going to call her in a few days. I 'll let her settle tomorrow. I have to finish my shit anyways. She's still my best friend, and we're going to remain close friends even after this is all over. That keeps me comforted. The last thing I want is animosity. Even if we can't cut it as boyfriend and girlfriend, that doesn't mean we can't remain friends. I'm going to get her those tickets for the Billy Joel musical. If she wants to go with someone else, that's fine. If she wants to go with me AS A FRIEND, that's fine. Now I really have to study.

Man, I hate the fact taht the only time I write is when my head is in disarray

...and there's shit going on in my life. Because when I look back on the things I write about, it'll seem like my life was awful, my relationship with Lucy was a train wreck, and I never had a single happy moment.

The truth is, though, that with Lucy, I am usually so much happier than before I met her. It's just times like these when I question how much longer my happiness is going to last with her.

I don't know why she asks me questions like these. I'm not going to lie to her in my answers either. Ugh, I wonder if anyone else in the world puts up with this much mental testing without having a nervous breakdown, because I feel like I can run outside and get hit by a car and I'd have a smirk on my face because at least I'd get a minute's peace.

HOW THE FUCK am I supposed to answer questions like that? "Would you still love me if I happened to grow a penis?" "Would you still be IN love with me?" And this isn't just a friendly "what if" game either! She's basing how she thinks of me on the answer I give to this question!! AND I'M NOT GOING TO LIE! I thought she was fucking kidding about that shit. Are you fucking serious? You want me to think about what ti would be like if you had a penis? WHY? What the FUCK are you accomplishing by having this conversation with me? Are you so insecure in my love for you that you now have to make up ridiculous scenarios just so you know that there could potentially be a problem in some alternate universe?

If you don't like the honest, genuine answer I gave you to your question, then you are allowed to be upset, you're allowed to question my love for you, you're allowed to be mad at me, and you're even allowed to break up with me. I'm not going to stop you this time. You're always looking for something wrong with me, and now you've found it. There. I'm not gay. Damn, what a shitty person I am. Even though I'd still feel the same way about you as a person, Im--

--

I'm exhausted, Lucy

We've been through this same fight way too many times, and I don't think I can go through this anymore.

You're about to hear me at my most candid.

It's been the same fight over and over. I give and I give, but no matter what I do, I can't make up for the distance between us. You can't accept the fact that we're 40 minutes away and that your mother won't allow you to stay here any longer than 12 hours. You can't accept the fact that when I send you an email or a text or give you a call, that I'm not doing it to keep you from bitching, but I'm doing it as an expression of my love for you.

I was hesitant to take you back a few weeks ago, because I didn't want to go through this pain again, but you've once again backed me into a corner, and I have no choice but to end our relationship--this time, for good.

You took an honest mistake by me--albeit one I make frequently--and you turned it into a situation where we can't even perform a simple form of communication anymore without you calling into question my intentions.

Every helpful gesture I make could now be potentially seen as "making up for" some inadequacy of the past. I can't simply say "I love you" anymore without some part of you wondering why I'm saying it. And when you thought I was blatantly lying to you about sending the text wrong, that showed me how much you really think of me as a person.

If I can't trust my girlfriend, the girl who I believed to be my best friend in the world, to believe me when I tell her something, then who can I trust?

By this point in our relationship, I would have hoped that you genuinely knew me well enough to know that at the very least, I'm not a liar. I know you like to look at life cynically, but to have such a negative view of me after all we've been through and all we've done for each other, that honestly breaks my heart.

You've broken my heart so many times, because I've put all my faith in you to be the girl that trusts me and loves me and accepts me for who I am, because that has been the way I've felt about you for so long. And I thought that maybe that break-up changed things and allowed you to step back and understand what we do mean to each other when we are together, but it seems like nothing can fix the insecurity that arises between us.

To just up and say that texting is ruined now, and that we can't do it anymore is no small thing to say, Lucy. Since I can't email you every day, and I can't call you every day, texts are our only form of day-to-day communication. Because you happen to initiate them takes nothing away from the fact that I use them to brighten your day when I know you're going to get one. At least it shouldn't. Do you think I keep track of who emails who a day or who makes the initial phone call or who is on IM the most? Last time I checked, our relationship wasn't a contest, and I have never attempted to do something and later rub it in you face that I did more for you than vice-versa. Something is very wrong if you need to sink to that level. I understand that it upsets you, but don't attempt to make it look like I'm not putting effort in this relationship, because I would give the world to you if I had it. I went out of my way to tend to your every need, and all I'd ever asked for it was a smile.

Have you ever asked me to do something that I had blatantly turned down without a reasonable explanation? Did I ever ignore something that was bothering you, no matter how small and insignificant it may have seemed to an outside observer?

I sacrificed so much just for the far better reward of being able to call you my girlfriend. I treated you like a treasure, because that's what, in all honesty, I felt you were to me. I REQUESTED you to start fights with me, because I wanted this relationship to be long-lasting and meaningful, and I knew it would take fights to do that.--

---

This was my fault, as usual

We were going so well, and I had to ruin it by getting defensive. You're right, it is always when my friends are brought up when I get sensitive. But I never mean to hurt YOU or to blame you. I just don't know if I'm drifting apart or not. And the thing is, I think you're right when you say it. That's why it hurts. You know you've become the #1 priority in my life, and I guess I feel a little guilty about that. Because if the gauntlets were thrown down, and I had to choose to have you for the rest of my life or be tight with them the rest of my life, I would choose you, and I've never felt that way about someone before.

And when you brought up the fact that I'm an outsider to my friends, I guess that fact kind of slapped me in the face. I know you said you don't want to fight all the time anymore, but there are still obviously issues we have to work out. I have to get over my insecurities about my failing friendships and accept the fact that we're going to grow apart, as we grow up. If I can't do that, I'll continue to bring this baggage into our relationship. But the one thing that makes me stop breathing, and makes me feel like my heart is going to stop, is when you refuse to talk to me about it.

I'm telling you my weakness right now. As much as I hate fighting with you, I'd much rather that than to have you refuse to talk to me. I just want you to know that I feel awful about what happened. I have to face facts, but I guess it was kind of the way that you were patronizing me that upset me the most. When I was trying to interpret what you said, and you started saying things like "sure you are" and the like, I felt almost like you were attacking me.

You have to understand my situation, Lucy. I've never in my life been happier and felt more satisfied with my life than I have in these past 8 1/2 months. And when I see my friends going through tough times, I feel guilty with the knowledge that they don't affect me as directly anymore. I mean, I will still be there for them, and feel for them, but I'm just not as empathetic as I once was with them. I mean, I actually found myself resenting Craig after he broke up with Jessica just because--not even giving a real explanation. My first thoughts were, if he loved her, he would be willing to deal with whatever problems came into the relationship to make it work, just as long as she wanted it. But he took the coward's way out and --

[the rest of this diary entry was lost]

9/3/03 - It feels like at this point in my life, I have a major decision to make

Craig, Matt, Bubba and even Eric have found their new habit, and I'm not mad about it. In fact, I've found that it's fun to do every once in a while. But when they break in a new tradition, they stick with the same routine. Craig and Eric's new routine is now to work out during the day, then get high at night. And I can't say I blame them.

At this point in their lives, things have gotten monotonous, and this is their way of escaping their life, even if only for a few brief hours, as well as having something to look forward to throughout the day.

But I hope they realize that I can't do this while I'm in the middle of (1) a great relationship built on trust, (2) my senior year in college and (3) a life that offers enough challenges and opportunities that losing control of my thoughts and coherence is something that I can't afford. And I think that is the biggest difference. If your future is going to consist of routine tasks, where the mind isn't going to have to develop, and smoking won't change the course of your future, but instead ease your way into accepting it, then that's fine. But in my life, I feel like I am far from reaching my mental peak, and smoking as much as they do, or even drinking excessively too often, will only stand in the way of what I can accomplish.

I'm not trying to throw down an ultimatum of me or pot, because I know for a fact that I could never win that battle, but I think as they get closer to Bubba's consistency of smoking, I'm only going to lose interest in going over there and hanging out. And that's what is kind of getting to me. I'd hate to lose some of my best friends from the past 3 or 4 years over something like this, but the fact is that I still love them as people, but our interests seem to be slowly moving in separate directions.

Missing sadness

has become a habit
Like chasing disease, then breaking down when you have it.
Art is nothing more than the expression of human suffering
Reaching for a greater something
Hoping that it comes from nothing

7/16/03 - Seems like the only constant through my college living arrangements is that there's some connection with Curtis

Lived with him in the dorm, at 40, same street, and now at 25. Makes me feel stable knowing all the changing shit around me. Ronnie leaves after 1st semester. No one really after 2nd. Then Aziz and Aaron gone. Then I leave, to 25. Then, just when it seems stable, Fat Mike leaves. I shoulda saw it coming. I knew he was fucking himself, but I didn't realize he would be forced to leave.

7/15/03 - "You're my hero"

The single greatest compliment I've ever received in my life. When Lucy told me that she was so much different before she met me, and that she acts a lot more like me now, and now that she met someone she is so comfortable with that she can tell me anything and be herself around me...it just gave me a sense of warmth.

I still have to take this all in. I am loved. I am appreciated. I am respected. And it comes from a girl I love, I appreciate, and I respect. How can I ask for anything else?

7/6/03- To just sit back and reflect on the past 3 or so years of my life.

6/25/03 - Well the day I met her mother, I never felt more secure about our relationship

Then, 2 days later, I fuck it all up again somehow.

It's funny that I was just about to write in here a couple days ago about how great things are going, and how I think we're over the hump and finally ready to enjoy this relationship on an equal level. I decided not to write for whatever reason, and now, 2 days later, who knows where this relationship will end up.

It's really up to Lucy to decide where it ends. I just want her to do what is best for her, because I love her with all of my heart. Of course I would prefer to stay together, but not at the expense of her happiness. But the fact that she is upset over the fact that she is attached to me leads me to believe this might not work.

After nearly 8 months of being together, she still wonders if I care about her, despite me saying it and doing any possible act for her. These are things that should have been apparent to her after the first couple of weeks.

She's just fighting it and fighting it, and sometimes it feels like she wants me to break up with her. I know I would regret it though, because how do I initiate the break-up with the woman I love? I won't do it. I'm going nuts over this girl.

I have to stop.

5/8/03- Funny how not much has changed in the past couple weeks.

Me and Lucy are still shaky, and I'm about to get the first C (or worse) of my college career. The exact same things I was writing about a month ago.

It seems like no matter what I do or say for Lucy, it is not going to make her happy. And I can tell that it's starting to take its toll on me. I do love her, because I want to do whatever possible to help her. And I'm pretty sure she loves me, because of the way she is around me. The only problem is, I don't feel that closeness we used to have when we're not together. On the phone or on IM, she just seems distant and it feels like there's something else on her mind. And it always takes such great pains for me to get it out of her. Then the worst part is, once it IS out, she starts crying, and tells me there's nothing I can do to help. This only serves to make me feel like shit, because I feel like I'm causing my girlfriend to sink into depression.

And now we've got these changes, with Brianne moving out, not allowing Lucy to sleep over here anymore, with me getting a full-time job, and Lucy going back to school in September, her mom coming back soon, etc...

I think that might be the reason for the tightness in my chest and all. I never even considered this to be stress, but I have to face it--all this shit IS stressing me out, and I can't even think about escaping from it. This fucking 6 page paper is going to suck so bad. I'm going to get a C if I'm lucky, considering he didn't once teach in the class and he hands out grades like nothing.

I seriously can't take it. I have work tomorrow morning, an exam tomorrow evening, then I have to call that motherfucker and try to figure something out or else fail his class. And all the while Lucy won't tell me what's bothering her, so I'm just assuming the worst. I can feel my heart beat faster when I think about it. Feels like it's gonna beat right out of my chest.

I always say the wrong thing to her. Nothing I say is right anymore. But "psych major"'s words are golden. It's not jealousy at all, because I know if the roles were reversed and he was her bf, and I was the random stranger, that she would agree w/ me. I can only be me. I'm not trying to change for anybody. Not Eric and the crew, not Lucy, nobody. I will accommodate Lucy's needs, because I love her, and I will change some of my mannerisms for her sake, but I can't change my beliefs. They stay rock solid.

4/16/03- My mind is boggled and deadened at the same time

I haven't really put much effort into my schoolwork the past few weeks, most likely because that race relations paper burnt me on school. But without my mind on school, I've been thinking about other things--me and Lucy, Eric and Kelly, my future, and a lot of it scares me.

We apologized and made up after our fight a couple weeks ago, and I feel like it made us closer, so I'm happy about that. Also, we had some really good days when she came up for the weekends, which makes me feel like this is going to work. Aside from superficial shit like not being able to fit in her and stuff like that, I feel like our relationship is strong. But I have to still experience more with her and see what she and I both think. Thinking about Eric and Kelly makes me love Lucy even more. Eric is telling me how he's starting to miss Kelly and tell me about how good she was to him. (?!) What the hell relationship is he talking about?

I have to explain to him that anything me, Matt, or Craig says is out of concern for HIS happiness, HIS mental and physical health, and HIS social well-being. He's already starting to take her side as the innocent victim that nobody liked, even though she liked us. I have to tell him that I saw her true colors. People's true selves come out in times of crisis, and she revealed time and time again that she was not a good person.

After what she did to Matt that night, I never looked at her the same again. When she yelled at me for protecting him, I knew that it was not something she didn't mean, and just let her emotions take over. Instead that was what she felt all along, and she finally got a chance to say it. If only I was given that opportunity. He can't get mad at Matt for not talking to her, he can't get mad at me for giving him advice to stop hooking up with her, and he can't get mad at Craig for talking shit to her. She should be cut off from him in every way possible, because she brings out the worst in him.

3/31/03 - I'm feeling like I'm living a double life, and I'm going to have to pick the right path soon or I'll lose them both

I love Lucy. And I hope she feels the same about me. But I might not be the right one for her. I mean, I'm always willing to be there for her, and she does make me happy by being there for me, but it almost feels like I don't deserve her.

She wears her heart on her sleeve and shows her emotions in every situation. And she really is a good-hearted person. The problem is that I've become very cynical and bitter and grown somewhat of a thick skin to the people around me. Things don't get to me like they used to. I don't feel as insulted if someone laughs at me. I don't curl up and hide away if I'm being attacked anymore. I've built a defense mechanism for it. I haven't cried since my Grampa's funeral in 11th Grade, and before that I can't remember when. I've become much more secluded and cold. I DO feel for people, but I don't personally get as affected as I used to.

Lucy has never gone through that change. She is as caring and empathetic as she most likely always was. She never went through the dramatic changes I did, by meeting up with the crew and changing my perspective on things.

What kind of an unfeeling bastard am I, when Lucy is crying and I can't even figure out what to say? I'm dead silent on the other line, and I'm just waiting for her to say something. I don't know how to comfort her, I don't know why exactly she's crying, all I know to do is defend myself. So I ask: "Is there anything else you want to say?" and she says "Yeah I guess you better go watch The Simpsons now"

Then I blow up.

I don't know why it feels good to yell at somebody, but sometimes all that frustration has to get released. But once it's over, I'm quick to apologize.

Who the hell knows.

I don't know what she's thinking, and I don't know how to fix our dilemma. Because its not something we can really work on. She has her opinion, based on her life experiences, and I have mine, based on the way I was brought up and the experiences I've been through.

Maybe this isn't going to work. It's not something I can really work on. And I can't stop hanging out with the crew. It all comes down to whether she's going to accept me for who I am. And I have to be prepared to deal with the consequences if not. If---

11/9/02 - Jackson,

I'm writing this letter to let you know that we still care about you, despite anything you may have done to land you where you are now.

It's funny, because I didn't even know you all that long before all this shit went down, but from the little I did know of you, I know you're a good hearted person with a good head on your shoulders. And I have complete faith that given this chance, you're gonna turn it around and give up that other life. And you might think that to give that up softens you, but actually it makes you ten times stronger. To resist that takes an incredible amount of strength that not everyone possesses, but I know for a fact that you do. And I won't even pretend to understand all the shit you've been through, because I know how that can really fuck you up, but I want you to realize that everybody in the crew is affected by what happens to you. We constantly talk about you, hope for you, and pray for you, and I want you do know that so you know you're not alone in this.

11/6/02- I think I'm playing myself

She's not coming into this 100%, and I think I'm trying to grasp at something that isn't there...

And now it's funny that there has been 2 interruptions of me writing about this. Almost as if its a sign not to really analyze this one too much because I may discover something I really don't want to know.

Why am I keeping with this? I like Lucy a lot. She's one of the few girls without a real agenda that I have met here at school, and I feel so damn comfortable with her that its like I've known her for years. I don't really get butterflies when I'm around her, or feel nervous at all talking to her like I sometimes get with other girls. But sometimes I feel like she's not as willing to dive into it as much as I am. She tells me she sees me as a really good friend, and when we hook up, she doesn't really seem as much into it.

I told her myself that I felt like something was missing. When she asked what was missing, I couldn't say. I guess it's just the feeling that she really does want this. With Heidi and with Raechel, I knew without a doubt that they wanted something to do with me, and that made it seem real. Like there was some kind of excitement because we could make each other happy. Of course I screwed those up with my own stupidity and inexperience, but I know what that feeling is, and I'm not getting that from Lucy this time around. I have to push and push and she sort of goes along with it, but doesn't really seem like its anything out of the ordinary.

I'm her boyfriend because that is the way to keep me as a friend. We hook up because she knows I enjoy it, and that keeps me entertained. She stops by my house because I've done it for her, and she feels obligated to return the favor. This is the way I'm perceiving the things we do together, and she doesn't say all that much to change my perception.

Yet, I know she's the one that is more vulnerable in this relationship. That's the weird part. The way I described it, it would seem like I'M the insecure one. But it's her that fears getting hurt, and losing me. I mean, if I lost her down the line, yes, I would be hurt, but the fact that she's not giving me much reason to believe she's into me to begin with makes it a lot easier to prepare for it. It's like, okay, this just confirms my suspicion as opposed to her being into it and then sometime down the line shocking me by leaving.

My only hope is that she will warm up to the idea and I can actually enjoy a relationship without insecurity or that she comes to grips with what she really wants. Because I can't tell her this, but after even beginning a relationship, we could never go back. It's a line that can be crossed, but can't be stepped back over. I know it would scare her to hear that, because that is the reason she was hesitant to start this in the first place, but its either all or nothing.

The difference is I've been through being alone. It's not fun, but I know it and understand it. And I've been through friendships with girls that have no idea how much I'm hurting on the other end, and that's no fun either. So from that, when I have to choose between torture or solitude, I choose solitude every time. At least, I would in an ideal world.

The thing is, this girl is so hard to figure out, despite the fact that she is so candid and open about her intentions and feelings. She tells me that she likes me as her closest friend, but then acts as if I'm only another distraction for her. She'll tell me she misses me all the time, but then will say that she could be doing the same thing with her roommates. I guess it's just a curse of a fragile ego on my part, but sometimes I want to feel like she actually enjoys spending time with me, as opposed to me being someone she can just dump her feelings onto and not feel a similar care about where I'm coming from. Like I once described much earlier, I don't want to be like this journal to her. Somewhere to get rid of whatever's on your chest and feel better and that's it. If that's actually the case, then maybe it's better off we don't pursue anything more complicated.

I seriously could write probably ten more pages about how bugged out she has gotten me, but I think I'll save it for another time. For now, I'm going to try to enjoy her company, and hope she enjoys mine, and just hope it works out the way I want it to, for both our sakes.

7/16/02 - My arms are killing me.

And that may possibly be the reason for my recent insomnia. The discomfort plus the disturbing thoughts I'm having on account of it tie together to keep me awake at night.

I'm just trying to figure out what the hell could have caused this. Is it just achiness from working out a little too hard? Or did I pull it the wrong way while working out? Maybe it's something I'd eaten, or something I haven't been eating. Could it be Lyme's Disease? Am I moving it too much? Or not enough?

The aching only seems to get worse, but that's probably because I keep forcing myself to move my arms in positions that hurt the most.

I guess the only way to find out is to just reset and pray to god that the pain and discomfort goes away. I just really hope that its temporary, and that I'll be back to my normal healthy active self again soon.

If it does keep up, I'll have to go to the doctor to see what's wrong with me. I just hope it doesn't get to that point, and that I can rest easy for the next couple of days.

It's the end.

Time to put the past behind me and stay fine tuned for what stands before me.

One by one they dropped. I stay myself and quote Nas to feel strong.

"I sit and think of all the hatred against me--fuck all of them"

I'm here to reclaim what I once had and will continue to hold. And no one will stand in my way. Yeah, I have a crew like most, but I'll remain individualistic because I'm my own man.

"Bitches left me cuz they thought I was finished--shoulda knew she wasn't true"

Let sleeping dogs lie. Let the past be the past. One lesson learned--never leave a situation without getting closure. Don't make mistakes without learning from them. And don't leave a situation only to inch back closer. Finalize it and move on, good-bye means good-bye. No more "laters" and ambiguity.

Heidi still lingers, as does Alicia. One should be cut off, one embraced. No more half-assed empty threats to yourself or anyone else.

This is the year I come into my own.

Because I see through your eyes and smile down to your black heart. Smoke and mirrors appear clearer to me and I see fear and please believe that I'll steer clear of it peacefully.

Just to map it out, I could easily:
Amy#1, Von, Sue (stpcsm), Heidi from Sussex, Meg

It started awkwardly, but taht don't mean that it can't turn out great.

I wish I could just say it once

I'm free of all the demons infested in me at one time
Earlier in my lifetime
The right time The nighttime they would come out
And I would cower in fear
I'd be laying and thinking so hard, I could almost hear
My thoughts echo
I can't see but it's so damn real
But it's just me in a room by myself
Losing air,
No fear
My life boils on a hot stove
I need to calm down
But I don't know how to get there
Words can't even describe
But sometimes my mind lies and gets weird
It's like too much is running through it
Too much for one druid
Lose it
Set it to music and spew it
The only way to set it free
Expel its seed
Cut from the root, shoot for the heart
Lose it in March
When I become older and wiser
Silence my earlier cries up
Why do they constantly rise up
To remind me of earlier times
What did I do in the days of my youth
To dilute the delusion of truth

1/10/03 - Well, since my last entry, I really feel I've had a breakthrough with Lucy

She actually feels like a girlfriend now. There's a feeling that she is into me as much as I'm into her, and finally I feel at peace.

I have normal problems that I'm not embarrassed to talk about with my friends, so even mentioning them here would just be redundant and unnecessary. And it feels so damn good to not have to figure this shit out on my own. Yeah, her mother is a huge obstacle in our relationship, but it's something that people experience often. It's a problem that I can deal with because other people can relate.

It's scary how fast we're growing up though. Just the crew in general all getting their shit together. Matt and Bubba both going to get their permits and licenses soon, Craig graduating in June and getting a real job, Eric probably moving out this summer, Matt going back to school for his nursing program, it's all going to change really quickly. Our planned Canada trip will probably never happen because when will 7 or 8 of us all get to spend a full week away with no other attachment?

Just seeing everyone get focused and setting goals makes me think about what I'm going to be doing in the near future. My ultimate goal isn't anything too lofty. I just want to be independent right after graduation, move out, find a job that allows me to live modestly, with no need for real luxuries, and continue my education as far as possible throughout. Prestige is important to a point, I suppose. If possible, I'd like to get my doctorate, probably in my major, before I hit 30, but maybe I'm asking too much.

Thing is, I want a job that constantly challenges me, but doesn't cause me so much stress that I can't enjoy the job. I think earning my Ph.D. and becoming a professor would be the ultimate for that. And I know I can accomplish it if that is what I truly aim to do. Because graduating with a degree in my majors won't really provide for much job opportunity.

Working with an HR firm would really be selling my soul, because it goes against everything I believe in. I want to work toward the advancement and the improvement and expansion of unions, but many of these jobs are for non-profit organizations, and I"m not going to be able to live off such small funds forever.

So, my ultimate goal is to first move out in 2004 after I graduate to a small, affordable place outside of the college town, where I will find some job, hopefully pertaining to my major, and at the same time attend graduate school. After getting my masters, hopefully more jobs open when added to the experience I have acquired by that time in the field. Maybe I can live on my own or with my girlfriend (if we're still together) and be able to live a little better. At this point, I hope to earn my Ph.D. at some point, and return to the education field as a professor. Also, I will have to TA during my grad years and all the while, I will be paying off loans.

Whew, there it is. Now time to collapse in my bed. 3:45 AM...damn.

MENTAL : PHYSICAL : SOCIAL

My Goals:

1. Earn my Bachelors' Degree
2. Get into a graduate school of some type
- do well on the GRE's
-Talk to advisors/professors/TA's in my department
3. Learn an instrument, or two, or three
4. Stay healthy
-Improve my heart rate by running
-Improve my skills in basketball by playing when I have the opportunity
-Keep up with my calisthenics (push-ups, sit-ups) and curls
-Get check-ups periodically if I find something wrong with myself
-Eat healthier
+Lots of protein (chicken mostly, and eggs)
+Balance out with carbs, and burn them with the above
5. Learn a martial art
-Such as Jiu-Jitsu or Muay Thai
6. Improve in arts beside music
-Drawing
-Cooking
-Anything creative that can appeal to me
7. Keep my social life active by not obsessing over any of these goals

8/21/02- Fate is a funny thing

It's not so much a life that is given to you, and you just go through the motions, live your life, and then die. Instead, it's more of a series of "tests", or experiences to build character in one way or another, and prepare you for the greater tests and the greater experiences you will meet later in life.

However the results of tomorrow's test eventually turn out, I will be a changed man inside.

My gut, and my logic say there is about an 80% chance it will be positive. All the signs are there, and I have read nothing to discourage my belief that I do have it. Either way, I am looking toward God for guidance, support, and gratitude. I will be grateful that it isn't something life-threatening. I am above the level where petty inconveniences affect me as much as they may other people. This is also not just black or white. There are levels that I can hope/pray for.

It isn't weighing as much as other things have. I must be strong. I must help myself. I must trust Lucy fully. I must NOT fall into old habits, or fall victim to immature views on life and living.

7/11/02 - Maybe I'm just a hypochondriac

Who knows, but I'm starting to worry about my health. The soreness in my shoulders, along with the swelling and tenderness of my right middle finger, plus the tenderness and stiff feeling in my left ring finger has got me worried. What if it were more than a mere coincidental series of pains. What if it were something that connects them all? Something that could drastically change my lifestyle?

As usual, I expect the worst, but hope to God for the best possible scenario. Either way, just thinking and dwelling in the realm of that worst case scenario opens my mind up a little. I always have a sense of what is and what is not truly important, but these little moments of crisis I put myself through seem to illuminate them that much more.

I'm going to just try and sleep right now, and I'll pick up on this when my thinking patterns are a little clearer.

7/9/02 - Is melancholy a good calm or a bad calm?

Despite not knowing the definition of the word, that's how I would describe myself.

It's as if I"m numb to any thought or feeling.

It takes a big fucking effort to even put words down on paper.

Can't be explained, I guess. Just dwelled upon.

Shame dwelling isn't considered an art form.

7/1/02 - Funny that the day I decide to pick this book up again

...is after seeing Doug and Irene driving off and feeling disgusted with my life. Funny because the last thing I wrote in this dealt with the night he took her.

I wrote that night out of jealousy and confusion. But that's how I felt then, and I guess it's how I feel now. I just don't know if it's in my being to ever be in a position like they are. I always second guess anything I do, and that hesitation usually leads to regret in some way or another. I've got to stop focusing on what's wrong with me, because by my judgment, I'm the most normal person in the world.

I think I'm just cursed with a gift of extreme empathy. I see things through the eyes of other people better than the average person, which makes it really hard to form my own self-image. I'm so many different people to everyone in my life, and I take on those images, and try my best to turn them into a coherent human being. But that's impossible. It's impossible to unite contradictions, because of their very nature. Instead I'm forced to live as an infinite number of people, because I know what people expect from me, and I give it to them. I honestly don't know which of them is most genuine, or if they're all just as genuine as one another. They can't be united into a simpler laid out formula, but that's probably what can be said about anyone.

I do know that I'm tortured. The simplest thing in the world, like holding a conversation, is such a monumental task to me. I simply don't have the skill, or the confidence, to just up and flow with anything I come into contact with. And that'll always be my greatest barrier.

I see people in terms of genuine or fake. People can be nice to me, but I just can't trust anyone. Like I was thinking before, unless they give me no other choice but to like them, I am going to always have my doubts. It's why it took me so long to become friends with Eric, or Craig, or Bubba. I always keep in mind scenarios in which they would ditch me, or talk bad about me. There's no doubt in my mind that Courtney, Doug, Josh, and them would turn their back on me in a second if it meant a bettering of themselves.

On the other hand, Matt, Eric, Craig, Bubba, and Fat Mike would not ever conceivably do something like that. Shit, it's ALREADY HAPPENED with Doug, so speculation is over with him. He's now an enemy, I don't care how dramatic that sounds. When I look at him, I see a rat. Someone that doesn't care who he has to step on to fulfill his own interests. He's just a typical spoiled whiny rich kid who wants everything and will do whatever it takes to get it.

I didn't sense that trait in Aaron or Aziz. And of course I don't sense it in Curtis. Those three were some of the most genuine people I've ever lived with, because they were true, and they didn't care who saw their inconsistencies. And that is what I strive to be, above all else. I strive to be a genuine person, with a genuine soul.

When others look at me, I never want to be spited, and I never want to look as if I'm a rat. This comes above all else, which brings me back to a quiet night by myself. Feeling lonely and isolated. Does one tie into the other? Am I just too damn nice for my own good? Or should everything I do be methodical, attempting to push an agenda and fulfill my interests above anything else.

My conscience won't let me live that way. I never want to be viewed by another person the way I look at Doug. I never want someone to consider me that low of a form of life. And this isn't even a conscious decision I've made. It's just a part of who I am. And that thread holds together every contradictory, inconsistent part of my personality.

4/27/02- Empty

Well, I'm writing in here again, which means there must be something going on in my life that I need to get off my chest, right? Wrong. Just the opposite, actually. I have nothing going for me right now, and I'm beginning to feel really empty.

Between not having a place for next year, not knowing when the hell I'll ever get a girl, and thinking about the few real friends I've made in my life to this point, things seem out of place.

But maybe I'm over-dramatizing everything to explain the lack of energy I have right now. I don't know, I really don't ask for much in life, I don't think, just to feel happy, really. But I guess it takes a lot to get to that point, so maybe I am.

It's funny, that the stupid thing on the internet that's designed to put a scare into you, I actually enjoyed. It actually made me feel something, which is more than I can say about a lot of other things in my life. And maybe I'm wallowing in it more than I should, but it's almost as if I'm comfortable when I'm sad and lonely. I don't have to explain myself, and I can use it as a crutch when it comes to actual interaction.

But everything feels empty recently. Go to a party on the ag campus on field day, a bunch of phony smiles, no one wants real emotion. I met a girl, her name was Irene. She seemed cool; smart, good sense of humor, into music, down to earth. So we talked for a little bit, but all of a sudden, she is attracted to Josh and Doug. All they really have to do is show up, and it's instant attraction. It makes me wonder if I just don't realize my ugliness, because honestly, I don't see it. Not to sound conceited, but I always considered myself a good-looking guy, and I thought I was right, but I guess there's something about me that repels people.

So anyway, she walks off with Doug, takes his number, and that's that. She's now Doug's situation, not mine. And I guess I can't hate on Doug for it, because he's just trying to find a girl like myself, but the whole situation kinda got me down. I thought a second chance was in store for me through Alicia's friend Elsie, but turns out they left the party they were at early, and she took off.

So it's just me again. And I guess I'm okay and everything. Not any big problems in my life. But there just seems to be something missing. I hope I can fulfill that emptiness.

4/1/02 - Yeah, I read Amy#2's shit

And it made me feel glad to be me, to be up north in Jersey, and to be able to laugh at those other motherfuckers.

Damn, if that were ME in the south? Those bastards wouldn't know what hit them. Cuz I have support. But I guess this isn't why I'm writing.

I decided against the whole hook-up, mostly because I don't feel like driving all the way down there and coming back for work tonight. Just too out of the normal day for me. Yeah, I guess I'm still pretty tame and conventional.

Just time to go through some thought bytes, the off-the-top-of-the-head shit that clears me out a little bit:

-Talked to Heidi again on IM. Every time I think I've talked to that girl for the last time, she surprises me. And I can't lie and say I don't like it, because I actually think deep down, that she's a good-hearted person and someone I might like to know better. But at the same time, I think of all the negatives surrounding the girl. She doesn't get along with people, pretty much as a rule, she's starved for attention, she's a groupie, etc etc.

But on the other hand, she's really a beautiful girl, she can be cute and fun to hang out with at times, and she really can be the sweetest thing on two legs when she wants to be. And I'm sure if I could get her to apologize to Eric, Kelly, Matt, etc, things would be cool. Or maybe I just want that ass. Who knows?

-Speaking of girls, Toni talks to me all the damn time now, too. What is it about girls that talk to you so much more after you ignore them?

Anyways, I'm down with getting down with Toni if she came up to school. I'm just in it for a piece. Damn, emotions took over again. I'm out.

3/5/02 - Need Some Inspiration

I gotta fond some music that's gonna inspire me. Some movie that'll get me off my ass and doing something with my talents. A writer that opens my eyes like RetroZine used to.

I'm at a lull right now. The things I listen to, read, watch, etc seem all prepackaged and stale. Where are the artists that keep it consistently fresh? That never fail to disappoint? That keep me begging for more?

Maybe this is just a cry for myself to get motivated again. But I realized something. In order to truly express yourself, you need money. I need to get an instrument if I want to play something, for example.

Blah, I'm spent. Fuck it.

3/5/02 - Here and Gone

It's amazing how when someone exits my life, I don't really think much about it until much later. I don't usually get that sense of departure and loss, mostly because I never think of it as really losing someone, just moving a little further from them, or making the next time I see them seem a little further away.

The last time I really remember feeling the impact of seeing someone leave was back when I was young, maybe 10, when dad would visit for a week or so. I just remember that genuinely affecting me, nearly to the point of crying, because I had no idea when I would ever see him again. But even that never affects me anymore. I don't feel anything toward my dad now. In fact, it is very rare he even enters my thoughts at this point in my life.

I'm much more preoccupied with missing everyone else that I most likely will never see again. Some of the people I met at school really meant something to me, whether they know it or not. They held something beyond the bullshit posturing we go through at the house here. I actually felt something real with them, instead of trying my hardest to act like the others so they'll accept me more. I'm mainly thinking about Ronnie, Ruchi, and Aaron, because all of them didn't put on a front and were very real to me. --

--

I guess I'll pick up on this later. I hate this shit, I can't develop my own thoughts.

2/22/02 - Alone, rare

It's not often I feel this way. Like I'm on my own again. No crew, no girl, no best friend. I mean, I do have 2 of those things at home waiting for me, but as of this moment I'm pretty comfortable being isolated. In my own little world.

I'm not as insecure as I used to be, which means I have less questions about my internal being, like what I want, what's best for me, and all that. Now it's more a question of when and how. I'm not real passionate about it anymore either, more like impatient. Seems like I'm mroe socially driven than anything else, although I can't deny that I do feel it internally too.

There's also no ONE that I'm striving for. I've gone through a good number of them: Rebecca, Alicia, Amy#2, Christina, Heidi, etc, but nothing good ever came out of it. Just being that insecure boy with a stupid crush that they all laugh at.

Insecurity is a powerful force. It can make a man do outright stupid shit. But I can't wait until I make it to the top of my game, and shit on all those that laughed. I don't sever ties, cuz I still like to grasp at straws till I find something else secure. One day, I'll look back and smile. Not cuz I realized how silly this all is, but cuz I''ll realize how much better I will have been.

2/17/02 - Juices

Again, my juices are flowing. When I feel something from a work of art, whether it be music, pictures, or writing, my juices flow. They flow in my brain, past my mouth, down to my hands, and through the ink of this pen.

It's like a last ditch effort to get something out there. I honestly don't know what else I'm talented in other than expressing as best I can through paper and pen how I feel. If I try to rhyme, there's a lot of filler and a lot is said just to keep an average flow. It just comes so forced, I feel too boxed in. I don't write poetry, because then I feel like it's gotta be artsy for arts' sake. So, at best, sometimes my writing is a watered-down prose mixed with boring sometimes unnecessary detail.

But fuck it. It's not for anyone but me anyways. It's when I start to think about what others would think about me when my flow gets stopped.

1/30/02 - Death, Departure and Friendship

I almost don't know what to write. In a span of a little over a week, 2 people in the house have left, and Doug's grandmother passed away.

As for Aziz, I really didn't think too much of it. He left, along with his attitude, and his space here. It was a matter of convenience to us. With Aaron, though, things are going to change so much more. He pretty much kept the house in order, no matter how little I want to admit it. Also, he was maybe the only one in the house I respected as much as I respect myself, which says a lot, because most people I run into in my life don't earn that. Curtis is borderline. Actually, he's probably got my respect too, but if he does, that's it.

I can tolerate Josh, Doug, Courtney, Ian, and Aziz, but I never fully respected them. Aaron was different though. He was genuine. He had nothing to prove to anybody, and I always respected that. Also, if something was bothering him, he'd out and say it. And he usually made a whole lot of sense.

It's just been a dreary, rainy night. Dreary outside, and dreary inside. I can just feel that things are going to be a lot different now, in the house. My thoughts are so jumbled, I can't even really get them out coherently.

Seems like all my friends and acquaintances are going through some life-changing experience. Aaron and Aziz are going back home, Doug lost his grandmother, Eric lost his job, his girlfriend, and not to mention his uncle a couple weeks ago, Jackson's about to get sent back to prison, hell, even Bubba got suspended and signed out of high school.

It makes me think of why people would want to sacrifice something that is so good for them. After all these turns of events, it makes me appreciate the things I do have so much more. It also makes me want to hold onto them tighter than I ever have before. Eric, Matt, and Craig are the best thing I've ever had going for me in my life. Not because they're popular kids I can show off to show how cool I am, but because they're my rock. They will always be there for me despite what I say or do. They are always willing to listen to me, and will never ditch me for anything.

And this all brings me to next year. Can I really live in a household with more phoniness than now? I really don't think it's possible. And for the $400-plus I"m paying every month to live here, I could put towards an apartment with Eric, Matt, and Craig. I could move somewhere between here and the home town and just commute every day, living with my boys and away from all this shit I'm feeling.

But I really have to get to sleep. I'll most likely write more, since so much shit has happened, but I need at least 4 hours sleep tonight.

11/1/02 - Got some simple short-termstuff on my mind

...as well as some longer-term stuff. First and foremost, I want to get to Wal-Mart before the sister wakes up and get her a few birthday gifts before the party begins. That shouldn't be too big a deal, as I'll try to get mom to drive me.

That brings me to the next thing--a car. I was supposed to hold it for Jackson until he gets out, but now since the paperwork seems like it'll be a pain in the ass, and it's a marked car as it is, maybe it's not such a good idea as it seemed at the time.

I'll have to bum rides off of people, and it's inconvenient for me as well as them, but I'll end up saving a lot of money in insurance, and won't have to deal with the harassment I would have likely faced. Only problem is that I hope this doesn't fuck Jackson too badly, and he's able to get his car back when he gets out.

The other thing on my mind is Lucy. I've been trying not to sweat this girl too much and not think about her or fall for her, and, honestly, that approach seemed to work. I guess she's my girlfriend, according to the talk we had yesterday after messing around. My take is still a little fuzzy, though. I like her a lot: she has no pretenses or attitudes of superiority about her, she's still a virgin, and she makes me laugh and smile, which are all good things. But I'm not 100% on her. I guess it's impossible to be 100%, but it seems like I didn't even get a chance to feel it out or come up with my own thoughts on it, because I was too worried about whether or not she would come around. And now that she has, I have to think that I've made a commitment to be exclusive to her, and not to hurt her in any way. And now my doubts come rushing in: Will she be able to accept my friends? Will they accept her? Will she be willing to hang out with my friends? The ones at school AND the ones in the hometown? Will she understand why I'm friends with them, and accept me as friends of theirs fully? Also, the sexual element is in my head too. Am I always going to be the one to do all the work? Will she break out of her shell? Am I going to get bored with it?

These are the questions that spin in my head all the time. And I haven't even gotten to the fact that she graduates and will probably go back to her mom's house next semester while I stay in the college town.

But I can't think like that. She's a good girl, which is a rarity out there, and I really don't want to fuck this up. So I'll just try to enjoy it for the moment, and let the future unfold however.

6/6/02 - I'm alone in a couple senses of the word

I'm starting to live by myself for the summer for 4 days out of the week in the college town, and I live as isolated as possible from people in the basement here, but what I'm referring to most is that I'm 20 years old and I honestly don't know if or when I'll ever find a girl.

Surprisingly in light of this fact, I'm not really depressed or incredibly lonely. It's more embarrassment, and the feeling that I'm missing out. I guess I feel that because it's never really happened for me, and I don't really fully know what I'm missing.

It used to be a single girl that I would focus on. I would mildly obsess over her, try my hardest to figure out what to do to get her, and then lament over the impossibility of that dream. Sadly, it seems that things have gotten worse. At the very least, I knew what it was I wanted back then. Today, I don't even have that luxury. I went from unattainable goal to nonexistent goal, or at least not one I'm fully conscious of.

What I wouldn't give to be in a situation like I was in freshman year, with Raechel. Had I known that in one year, all those people I made sure weren't offended would go on to turn their backs on me, I would have done what I felt like doing and gone for her. Yes, I regret the way I handled the situation. I chose, quite naively, what I perceived to be potential long-term friendships over what could have been anything from a really good time while it lasted, or even a long-term relationship with a girl I could stand. So as not to piss off my "friends", I ended it. I thought Ronnie, Grace, and Melody would be so proud of me. I dropped the weird quiet girl.

Little did I realize that maybe I'm the weird, quiet boy to certain people. Those three never returned the favor. It had nothing to do with romance, but I had an attachment to them. I felt comfortable with them. I could really talk to them. But, it's all relative, I guess. Perceptions are a bitch. So, yeah, again, I regret it, but I've learned from it. I'll never let it happen again, as far as I consciously can.

But when the hell am I going to get the opportunity? I mean, I love that I have friends that genuinely care about me. Without them, I don't know what I would do. The problem is, I want more. Everyone seems to be finding their place and finding someone to compliment them nicely. Craig's found Jessica, who I have told him is like a perfect compliment to his personality. Matt and Mandie is a little shakier (or I guess a lot shakier) but at least there's something there. Doug's found Irene, which honestly angers me to no end, since he met her by interrupting our conversation at that party. If only I had gotten her number that night, who knows what could have happened. But anyways--

--

Even last summer, I thought Christina or Heidi were potentials. Of course it was misguided, but at least it gave me some semblance of hope. I had a name and a face to strive for. Not it's just an abstraction. They're off doing their thing at Seaside, and they have more than likely wiped me out of their minds for good. I'm done talking to them or thinking about any potential what ifs, but those three won't ever be wiped clear, I don't think. Just like Rebecca, just like Alicia, and just like Mary. Foul women that didn't even know what they meant to me at the time, and never will. It's the same with Christina and Amy#2, and almost even with Heidi, although with her, things did go at least SOMEWHERE.

But the past is the past. Yes, I regret mistakes I make. Everyone does, despite what they might say. But I learn from these mistakes. I have so many regrets, it almost pains me to rethink them. All in all, I can only hope they shape me as an individual, strengthen and build my character, and make me more well-rounded in the future.

I guess I just have to remain patient and await opportunities to come to me. Seems like a pretty simple plan.

5/19 - Man, I never seem to grow out of my insecurity

3/24 - Well, tomorrow it's back to the college house

Back to school. Back to all the shit I've been ignoring and avoiding for the past week.

I hate to dramatize it so much, but I know I'm going to be overwhelmed by the amount of work I am gonna be forced into submerging myself into right away. That's pretty much all I'm dreading. Personally, I can handle the living arrangement another 2 months. I can handle the stagnant relationship that has become of my once tight friendship. I can tolerate feeling like an outcast while I'm with my housemates. That stuff's all petty shit, and I'm above it all. As long as I know I have real friends back home, and the feelings I'll be experiencing will only be temporary, I can just smile and just rise above all that negative shit.

The real hard part is the actual time and effort I'm gonna have to sacrifice. And it all starts tomorrow night with the paper I've been putting off. Then, right away, I have to worry about that stupid fucking assignment where we have to sit around and dickride members of the activist organizations. I'm clearly working with 2 fucking idiots, and I'm gonna have to take control, because sitting back and hoping they get something done has produced shit. Luckily, I got the big exams out of the way, so at least I don't have to worry about them for a couple of weeks.

I just hate the fact that I can never have free time to relax and forget about everything. This week was perfect, and just thinking about going back to that kind of makes my head spin. But I guess it's the sacrifice I make for an education. Or to just have that piece of paper that might get me a job easier.

Either way, I'm still grateful for this week. I got to hang with my crew, laugh harder than I have in a long-ass time, and spend about $150 on absolutely nothing. And I would rather have a bunch of those nights with my birthday money and tax return than some material bullshit that would just further individualize and isolate me.

But, I guess it's time I get back to the real world.

3/22/02 - It's time to write again, just for the sake of writing

It seems I've lost the ability to sit here and articulate life so deeply so as to actually make it clearer to myself and have a better understanding of where I'm coming from.

I want that back.

Maybe it's because of the severe structure I'm under that comes with college. Maybe it's because I get so much more emotion and all out when I'm with my friends. Maybe I've become that much more secure in myself, and I have to direct my writing away from the introspective focus it once had, and start articulating things I don't know as well as myself.

That seems to be the best explanation for this writer's block I've been experiencing. It's the easiest thing in the world to write about yourself and any emotional/physical/financial/social/etc problems you're facing. All your energy is in you, and you seem to come up with sort of an internal dialogue that when written on paper, becomes much clearer and your arguments take more of a tangible form.

I still go through those dialogues in my head, as does every human being with a given problem to work out. So why can't I get them on paper in a coherent manner anymore?

I'm far from completely secure in myself. I still suffer from an unexplainable lack of female companionship. That, in addition to some other social ills, is my main problem.

The thing is, I find myself hesitating when I begin to write about this topic, which means I'm hesitating to really think about it.

What exactly am I looking for? I know a quick fuck won't give me any long-term satisfaction, but maybe it will LEAD to long-term satisfaction, if that makes any sense. Let me explain.

I get my rock off, which leads to a change in demeanor, at least for a short while. In this limited time, maybe my confidence is boosted and I find it easier to talk to certain girls in ways I was prevented from doing earlier. With the ice broken, even after that limited time has passed, maybe those girls become potentials to get back in that zone, keeping the cycle alive. And possibly in those hook-ups, I find a girl I connect with on a higher level and I'm at long-term satisfaction.

I dunno. It's just a theory. And it begins with Amy#1. I have every opportunity to test this theory if I want to, but the problem with that is there are also a couple conflicting theories floating around my head regarding outcomes of that.

The scariest of these is if she's not clean. And that is probably the number one reason that is preventing me from doing this. Both Eric and Craig have had her, and Eric swears she's clean, but how can I be sure? No doubt I'll wear a rubber either way, but even if she IS clean, how will I know?

This leads me to another factor--the backfire. Instead of boosting my confidence and increasing my chances of all that, maybe I'll get paranoid and back out of future opportunities. (note-I always find myself re-phrasing things over and over , and can never really find the words for a lot of what I'm writing about when this topic comes up. That could be pointing to an unhealthy outlook on it.)

Anyways, for such a stupid, meaningless decision, a lot is sure riding on it. And that's what makes me so frustrated with the whole thing.

Now, I'm starting to drift into the whole aesthetics of it all, and losing focus of what I'm writing about, which is another difficulty in writing about this topic. It can't be purely logical, because there seems to be this unexplainable aura that also pulls me apart.

So, I guess I'll just jump in and explore without using words and reason, from here on out. I'm done.

1/26/02 - Regretful Pride

I don't even know what bothers me about it.

Is it that the double standard of Craig's racism and Eric's racism was exposed? Was it that he exposed that I really was giving an empty threat? Was it that he was pissed that I usually take Eric's side? Or is it the lack of respect I got back?

I don't know, it's probably nothing to even get concerned over, but I did make a mistake by taking offense to something because society tells me to.

Truth is, I wasn't offended, but for some reason, my pride made me open my mouth and defend the one half of my blood that I never really even considered myself before around last year.

I'm sure this will do absolutely nothing to change anything in our friendship, but I'm sure he has this thought somewhere in his mind, and that's what bothers me. It's not about who can kick who's ass, nor is it about who can make fun of the other one more, but it's more about who's truer, who's realer, which one is fronting more. And I think that's why I'm bothered so much by it. Because he exposed my front, and I didn't really do anything to his, except for the whole tanning thing.

I'm gonna end this little thing though, because I have reading to do. Best course of action is to be as real as you are, and don't put on fronts. No tough guy fronts, no ghetto fronts, just me as me. Because I've defined my feeling. My front was smashed, and this is the after effect. My bluff called. My poker face read. The end.

1/07/02 - Losing My Grip

I don't even know what exactly to write in here. I hate to keep writing just as an update, or simply to clear my mind before bed, but that's usually what I've done, and I guess that's what I'll continue to do.

It's just such shitty writing to say "I'm fine in this area of my life still, but this and so-and-so is giving me trouble, so here's what I plan to do". Problem is, I don't know how else to do it.

If I could turn my problems into something creative, like artwork, or athletics, or even creative writing, at least I'd have something of use, but I'm just too literal for that type of thing. One thing I do try to do is use humor whenever possible to ease my pain. Also, I sometimes tend to have a flair for the dramatic, so that seems to show in my writing as well, so hopefully these little buds of creativity can develop into something more fruitful as I continue to write.

Another problem I have is that my classes at school mostly involve writing about the subject at hand, burning me out on the activity. On the other hand, it does increase my vocabulary, and help with my writing skill, so maybe it's more of a help than a hindrance after all.

Anyways, I'm just trying to clear my mind and get some stuff I've been thinking about on paper.

First thing is my physical shape. I've been doing my upper body regimen for some 7 months now, but have been falling off over winter break, mostly because I'm hardly home, and when I am, I'm usually too lazy to do it. This might be a problem because our Backyard Fighting III takes place on the 18th, and I'm taking on Al. Starting tomorrow (if I'm healthy enough), every night I'm home, I do it.

Another concern I have is with basketball. My asthma was really acting up after that first game, and my legs and lower body was exhausted and sluggish. It really showed that I was not in shape in that regard, but again, if I'm healthy, I have to play any chance I get. This will hopefully bring my wind back to a little better than now and prepare me for the 18th.

Okay, there it is, my attempt to get everything in my head on paper. There's so much going on in my head that I don't have time to write creatively or use metaphors or focus on any one specific area. It's just a bland description of stuff in my life. Little insignificant stuff. Yet important to me nonetheless.

I'm not even going to start on Lauren, cuz I'm not in a writing mood, so I'll save that for later.

Good night.

1/01/02 - On Edge

Man, I'm just not used to being so on edge all the time. It's kinda funny, because when I'm home from school, I am at my happiest and at my saddest and most angry.

I guess I'm just frustrated. I mean, what can one possibly do about a problem in life that is explicit and preventable, yet just won't go away. This is the ongoing problem of my life, and I've about had it. I'm nearly 20 goddamned years old, and I'm still moping about shit I should have left in my teen years. But this isn't simply a problem that goes away when I get older. It's not something I grow out of. It's the everyday misery of my reality. Nothing epic, but just all the little things in my daily life. A constant reminder of my place in the house, in the family, and in life. And I seriously need to start thinking of ways to end it.

No, not end my life--I love myself too much for that--but end my life as I know it. I know my family can sense that I am slowly drifting away from it, and they have good reason to believe that. Of course, it's not all bad here. As far as my real family goes, from my perspective, it's hunky-fucking-dorie. But that tangible tension, that sentient resentment that lingers in my life prevents me from moving on and instead is pushing me to start moving OUT. Out of this area, to a place where I can worry about shit I'm supposed to worry about, not this bullshit about material possessions, or if my room is clean enough, or how to put a front on that shows how normal everyone here is.

Yeah, this is probably selfish, and I should take all other points of view into consideration, but this isn't about the context of everyone else's life, it's about the context of mine.

I wouldn't curse my worst enemy with this.

12/29/01

Yeah. That's the date. It's about time I start dating my entries for future reference. Guess it starts here.

I'm finally really feeling a need to get my creative juices flowing again. It's been probably about 2 months since I just sat and wrote something. It's been even longer since I've attempted to sketch anything, or even doodle. The past month or so has been dedicated to finals, Christmas shopping, and hanging out. Not to mention playing PS2.

But I'm aching to see if I've lost it. Have I lost my passions? I remember how I used to love nothing more than shooting hoops in my backyard, or just dribbling the ball, inventing my own moves, experimenting with anything I thought might work. But that died. It died for a number of reasons.

First of all, the music I listened to, and the culture I chose to surround myself with was anti-athlete. Come to think of it, punk rock is anti-everything. It doesn't help youth, it discourages it. Unless you strive to play a musical instrument really badly for your friends and basically do anything to piss people off, punk doesn't promote it. It's so much about fashion that there's no room for anyone to grow into a creative individual. That's one big difference between the punk and hip-hop scenes. At the very least, hip-hop rewards talent--balling ability, rhyming ability, etc. Not that it doesn't have its problems, but it doesn't seem as image-intensive.

Anyways, that's got nothing to do with what I'm trying to say. Fact is, I watched that And1 mix tape, and I read about street ballers, and white vs. black athletes, and it just got me thinking what I could be right now if I devoted more time into caring about things and less time into NOT caring.

I think I had, and still have, a decent amount of natural talent. It was always brought out when I would play with the cousins and my uncle. Of course, I was always older, but my uncle always seemed impressed, the cousins always seemed impressed, and even their friends seemed impressed. I always had the highest confidence when playing with them, and that's where I think my talent really shined.

At school, or at home, through, was another story. I always felt intimidated by the more popular kids. I always had the thought in the back of my mind that there was a reason they were more popular, and I just couldn't picture myself being better than them in anything. I did consider myself marginal to that group, so I still felt I could hang with them at ball, but it never occurred to me that the kid that was impressing everybody at my cousin's house was the same kid who was trying out for the school team in middle school and high school. Maybe if I had grown up knowing only that confidence, I wouldn't be able to see it any other way. Maybe my skills could have truly shined, then.

Of course, there are physical attributes that prevent me from quickly mastering certain things in the game. I'm only about 5'4"-5'5", first of all. Also, I have pretty small hands and small feet--not b'ball traits. And also, I never was as in good of shape as I am now, and even now a lot of kids are in better shape than me. So, if you were to look at me, you would not see a ball player. I was short, chubby, had small hands and feet, and lacked self-confidence.

The good thing about that is that I've toned down, and I've gained my self-confidence, mostly through hanging out with my crew. That did wonders for me as a person. And also, I did have good attributes that hopefully carry over to me as a 19 year old that were part of me as a 14-15 year old. The aforementioned talent, my ball-handling skills, my first step that has yet to consistently fail me, my aggressiveness around the rim and even in post-up situations, and my awareness of the court and what's going on. I honestly feel that I possess these skills from the amount of time I did put into the game when I was younger. I just hope they didn't fade over time. I mean, I can now visualize beating someone off the dribble, but do I have the experience and practice to back it up?

If John Smith or Ryan J. or Kyle R. kept their practicing and are as progressively good now as then, would I be able to beat them?

Basically what this is asking is: was confidence the only thing missing? Was that lack of confidence the only reason I couldn't run with them? Or was there a talent or harder work ethic that went into it?

Call it false confidence, but I feel I can run with anybody now that I'm semi-in-shape and don't back down mentally. I'm glad I'll get the opportunity to attempt to show it first-hand next Tuesday at that school thing. This means a lot more to me than I thought it would. It's not just a way to kill time and get in shape for our Backyard Fighting on January 11, but it's a second-chance, a way to prove to myself that I do have the skill and mental capacity to be what I want to be.

Return to Normalcy?

Well, since my last entry, a lot of time has passed. About a month or so. And in this time, I once again realized that words and action, theory and practice, are 2 very separate things. They each have their effects on one another, but they retain some level of autonomy at the same time.

Of course, I'm talking about the "change" Eric has gone through. He has begun going back to church, reading the bible, and changing some of his believs, but on the other hand, he is back to cursing, sex, and just being back to being Eric.

I've pretty much got my life boiled down to my practical needs right now. Some things that are weighing on my mind are money, the crew, sex, and school.

As far as money goes, I'm still pretty strapped, since $100 every 2 weeks or so isn't really a living wage. I have to use that money for gas, utilities, and to cover the rent that my refund check doesn't pay. Not to mention giving at least $50 for car insurance and attempting to pay off my debt from last year. Also, Christmas is coming up, which is always hard on me since I'm so damn strapped around this time. Needless to say, I won't be buying myself anything for a long damn time, so while I do feel some guilt in the fact that I'm getting so much help, at least I can take comfort in the fact that I'm not getting greedy.

In regard to the crew, some of us are tighter than ever and others are just hanging on, at this point. I like the way Eric has put it, calling Bubba, Steve, and Fat Mike, the "B-team" at this point.

It's definitely true that some of them have to prove themselves true if they want respect. But I'm just glad I have them in my life, because if I didn't have that--someone that appreciates and respects my friendship as much as I do theirs, someone that will drop plans, sacrifice their lives, and always have my back no matter what--if I didn't have that, I'd just be another lost soul not knowing my place in the world. Thank god for Eric and Matt. And, to a slightly lesser extent, but still my boy, Craig.

Jackson, I'm going to have to see about. We're cool when we're down, but I have to make sure we can chill with no phoniness. He's definitely someone good to know, though, with his experience and subsequent knowledge, and yeah--he's a good guy to have on your side, too. Fat Mike is cool with me, and we can always chill without awkwardness, but it seems like he suffers from that same lack of bullshit-detector that affects Curtis, which is definitely an obstacle for me in any relationship.

I've realized that through experience. They kind of subconsciously tell that I am truer than these other kids around them that are just entertained by them or whatever, but they can't ever make it explicit. And to equate me as the same level as, say, Courtney or Josh, is to shit on the friendship we've built over the years. But I've gotten off track. This isn't about Curtis, it's about the crew. Bubba is simply too young, mentally, to be considered anywhere within the crew, in my standards. I'll be down with him when I'm around him, but he's the last person that's gonna give me shit, because he, in all actuality, means nothing to me. And if we have to trim the fat, nothing against the kid, but it wouldn't really affect my life if he were gone. Steve I won't even give the dignity of telling why he doesn't belong. It's just too easy.

Now about sex, I'm mentally and physically aching for some. It's been an incredibly long dry spell, and I'm really ready to do something about it. Jackson's advice is always golden, as is Eric's, so I'm gonna follow it. In my own words, it more or less comes down to showing a girl you have interest, but also showing her that at the same time, you have more options in your life than just her. Don't make it seem like she's all or nothing for you. Can't let her see you get torn apart over her. Always have to let her know that you're not gonna be waiting around and if she screws up too much, then she could lose you for good. Emotions don't come into play on your part. It's simply a matter of practicality. Remember, I have enough friends at this point in my life. I'm fully satisfied with the friends, male and female, that I have, which is something I couldn't always say. So, from here on out, friends are not my matter of concern. I'm going to play the game with my extremely limited experience and with the advice I get from the experience of other people. And only by doing it, trying and failing, and figuring out what I did wrong and correcting it. Over and over, with maybe some successes along the way. It's time to get serious about this. No more hoping it'll fall in my lap like last year. That was a rare exception, not the rule. Time to start using your own skills and own game as much as possible.

Finally, as for school, I have mixed feelings. Living there for over 2 months now, I've gotta say I feel out of place. Thank god for me having my own room, though. Alicia is still there, which I've been thinking about. It just recently occurred to me that between her and Melody, I'm a bitch. I do them both favors, whether it's driving Alicia to East Brunswick or walking at 11 PM to Melody's to console her. But when I ask for something back--in Alicia's case, to get a book for me from the library and in Melody's case, just to acknowledge that I'm at the fucking house--I get shit on. So, unless they can prove their friendship, which I have more than done for them, I'm going to either call them on it, which will no doubt lead to a fight, or just cut them out, just push them out of my life, because it's just added stress. If If they can tell that their FRIEND is getting pissed off on account of them, and they make no effort to repair that breach, then they're not worth having in your life. And if it's just a matter of them being thickheaded and not realizing it, then I'll make it blatantly obvious.

So, it goes 1- get pissed 2-let them know you're pissed, and why, and 3- if they don't do anything about it, or don't care, then walk. It will probably be the hardest thing in the world to do, but it will end up saving you stress instead of causing you stress. The benefits will far outweigh the negatives.

As for the rest of school--I'm behind in Soc, Poli-Sci, and Lal;, plus I don't know if I'm gonna get a good schedule next year and I pray to god I do well in my classes. But I'll save all this shit for another entry. Probably in another 2 weeks.

"The rich kids never understood

But I don't care, I can fade away to anywhere
don't stop, cuz you might get dropped,
And if you do, who's gonna pick you up
well I won't, well I won't
They always played a slow song"

Damn, things done changed. Going away to college and leaving my true friends for the first time in my life. I was kind of afraid I'D be the one going through changes, growing up, and eventually growing apart.

But right now I'm sitting idly by and watching Eric become born-again. And it's scary.

Just 2 weeks ago, when I came home, Eric was his usual jokey, uncensored, self. We had a good serious talk with me and him, and Craig in the backyard, where Eric admitted that he acts the way he does because he feels that if he isn't "on" and entertaining us all the time, he's scared we wouldn't hang out with him anymore. And I had an inkling of that. Despite the crazy shit he said and did, whether making racist jokes, yelling out his car at people, or acting like an asshole to random strangers for our amusement, I always knew his heart was in the right place. So, I had expected him to kind of gradually settle down to the point where we would grow up to be somewhat mellow. All of us. Me, Eric, Craig, Jackson, Fat Mike, and Matt.

But what I saw yesterday was something I NEVER expected to see. He had completely dropped every aspect of his personality that could be considered "sinful". Here he was, the kid that could talk the best game I've ever heard, the kid that single-handedly "corrupted" me, the kid with the filthiest mouth I had ever heard, saying things like "long as heck" or "OMG". He had given up swearing. He's stopped having sex. He won't flip the middle finger. He's giving away all his porn.

Damn, this hit like a ton of bricks.

I think a lot of this has to do with the Trade Center bombings from the 11th. It may have put a lot into perspective for him. His mother always pushes for him to go to church anyways, so with that motivation, plus the friendship of Fat Mike, it finally pushed him over the edge and he did it.

And I'm not sure about how I feel about it. Somehow I fear that this could provide just enough distance between the two of us to push us apart. I kinda fear that the way I act, which, by the way, is heavily influenced by him, will ironically be clashing with his new way of life. That somehow, even if he doesn't consciously realize it, he'll be judging me. Every time I say the word "fuck", I know he'll internally cringe, and he'll look at me, in the black-and-white world much of organized religion teaches, as a sinner.

I can't help but wonder how much this is going to change things. Will we be able to hang out like we used to? Just me and him, and maybe Craig, just watching TV and talking about chicks, or going on the internet grossing each other out, or cracking on each other with big smiles on our faces. I don't know, honestly And I know it sounds incredibly selfish, but I don't want to lose those parts of our friendship.

Even if we still kinda do these things, I won't be able to help but wonder just how much of what he says or does is contrived, and not just a natural instinct. Because I don't want him to phony out for me, either. I love this kid, and while it's good to see him growing up, I don't think I like how changed he's becoming.

I'm in an emotional time in my life. I've almost cried twice in the past week. Once when I was laying in bed, at school, mentally going over a fantasy conversation with my mother about how her lifestyle has so restricted a lot of aspects of my life, and again driving home from the college town, listening to "As the Footsteps Die Out Forever" by Catch 22 about his mother dying, but telling her son not to worry about her even as she suffers in her last days.

It's funny how in both instances, I thought about what it would be like if I were separated from my mother, and I didn't like how I felt. I know now that I truly do love my mother. She's not only a source of income or a person to help me out through practical problems. She brought me to this earth and raised me properly without the luxuries of a husband, adequate money, or a socially accepted lifestyle. I realize now how much she has sacrificed for me and the sister, and for that, I am forever grateful. But I guess I'm just perpetually frustrated that I can't live the same life that all other kids do around me. I always think, despite any problems these kids may have, at least they can escape them or talk about them or fight them in some way. The overall problem I have is one in which there is no set course of action. There are no easy answers. I can't hide it for the rest of my life, obviously. I also can't go the rest of my life scared to bring friends and potential girlfriends home in fear that they may find out. I've got to instead face my fears and risk hitting rock bottom. I think if I can grow the balls to risk it, then I'll be man enough to accept the consequences despite what they might be.

On any rate though, I'm just thinking that at this point in my life, my boys are the best thing I've got going for me. I'll continue to work my ass off at school, I'll continue to remain friendly with Aaron, Derrick, Curtis, Josh, Aziz, Courtney, and Ian at college, I'll try and make the best of my current situation, but I know that I've got true happiness out there. I know that there's ALWAYS a place to turn where I can vent, ALWAYS an ear to listen, and that makes me happy.

I guess that's why I'm so disturbed by Eric's change. I just don't want to lose him as a friend. He's my best friend in the world, and I don't want shit getting ruined by our different views on religion or the way we should behave or anything like that. I hope that when he prays at night, that he's praying for us to all be accepted, and not for us "misguided souls" to "see the light".

Things done changed.

Tension

I think it's some sort of coping mechanism I have that forces me into blowing things way out of proportion in my mind so that when shit finally goes down, it's not as bad as I imagined it would be.

Going right along with that, I'm always thinking in Worst Case Scenario terms. I think of a way to deal in the worst possible cases, so that I'll be able to deal with anything a shade better.

A good example is what happened tonight. Eric and Matt fought because of a bonehead move by Matt in which he inadvertently hurt his mother by buying his father something from Dairy Queen and not even asking her. But it wasn't just that simple, at least not in my worst case mind. The way I saw it, Eric was pissed that me and Craig were there in the first place. We weren't invited there, and we didn't hang out with him tonight. Instead, we picked up Matt and hung out with him while Eric worked. So, something just wasn't sitting right with that to him, especially because Kelly was over.

Couple this with the fact that I lost the CD player he gave me, and I have every reason to believe, in my overblown worrying, that Eric is genuinely fed up with me. And that makes me feel like shit. The tension in that room and in that house were off the chart, and I couldn't wait to get out of there.

But I don't want to get too hung up on it. Hopefully, this will all blow over, and we can have a tension-free friendship like we used to.

Grow Up

Well, summer's almost over, so you know what that means--obligatory bitching from every single high school graduate about how their life is ending and all the people they're "leaving behind" will never be seen again.

Specifically, I'm talking about Heidi, the whiniest, bitchiest, most spoiled girl I think I've ever met in my life. She's the type of girl that's not content unless she's got an epic problem in her life. Either she's not talking to you, or if she is, it's whining about the pettiest shit imaginable. I remember one time she complained to me that her friend Christina visits her too much at work, and deduced that she had to be trying to "take over her life".

That's the big thing with girls like Heidi. Everything remotely important is an epic turning point in life, and is going to change the way life is lived from that point on. They don't realize that their life, or anyone's life really, is just a mere thought to so many people. Trust me, when you wear your hospital bracelet from 2 months ago, no one is giving it a second thought, unless that thought is, "Jesus, this girl's fucking starved for attention". But one thing's for sure, they're not getting the same reaction you're expecting--

--

Rejection

Well, I can now add a bunch more money onto my already looming debt. My car got rejected at the inspection station today because of brakes, back lights, sharp edges on the body, and water in the tail light. I don't even want to know how much this is going to cost me in repairs.

I'm disappointed in the Minibus. When I saw it coming down the line behind a Jeep and in front of some luxury sedan, I felt like the father at a little league game of the kid who pisses himself when he's about to go into the game. I could just tell he was gonna fail by looking at him. Well, that's a pretty shitty feeling, so rest assured when I have a kid, he's gonna make up for the embarrassment I went through today. He's gonna live the life the Minibus couldn't, if I have to beat it into him.

Ok, I'm getting off topic here. The point is, even after spending $61 at the Lube Plus earlier today, the Minibus still couldn't thank me by passing a simple test. No, instead, I have to go out and pamper him with a brake re-alignment, fix its tail lights and back lights, and cover up his sharp edges. I spoil that thing way too much.

There might be an alternative, though. I could cheat for him. I can pay Texaco $35 to do an inspection, which are notorious for its lower standards and maybe, just maybe, they'll be low enough to pass the Minibus. Now, of course this is seedy, and underhanded, but I have to think rationally and financially. Do I really have the money to make all of these repairs? NO. Am I willing to gamble 35 bucks on the hope that Texaco will overlook the couple things that the Inspection Station found weren't of a high enough quality to merely pass? Yeah. This definitely seems like the best option for the amount of money I can claim to my name.

There may be a problem though. While Texaco is not afraid to admit that they're whores of the inspection service in the most subtle ways (such as charging money--why charge unless there's some OBVIOUS benefit we'll get?), will they go so far as to take a car that has already been rejected? Further, do they even have that power to reverse the decision of another, free, more professional, better organized, and highly more credible inspection station? This might be my downfall. By not gambling on my car, I may have just forced myself to get at LEAST some of these things repaired, if not all.

This damn car costs me more money than if I had a bastard son. At least if I had a kid, I could just feed him and clothe him without the government making me bring him to an inspection and forcing me to fix anything wrong with him. So far this car cost me $900 itself, 15 to 20 dollars every time I fill it up, $61 for the oil change, filter, and wipers, $50 for a new battery, and now who knows how much for all these repairs coming up. Not to mention that it has no heat or defroster and no cig lighter, which I have to have installed by winter.

I think after I graduate, I'm going to at least try to live in a city populated enough where I don't need a car, because these things are definitely more trouble, frustration, aggravation, and most importantly, money, than they're worth.